This situation so far has been quite the lesson in Vanity.  I mean my whole life the importance of looks was always, well…. important.  You had to be a certain size, “Erika you are gaining weight.”  “Erika you may not want to eat that if you really think you are going to fit into THAT” “Erika, you really need to make sure you do your make up” “Erika, you are’t going to go out in public like THAT are you?” So with such an emphasis on being a certain size and being presentable to everyone, this hair loss ordeal has been beyond difficult.

With the love and support of my husband and all my friends and family it has truly made me realize that it really doesn’t matter.  I know people tell you all the time that its what’s inside that counts.  And from my experience I never believe them only because it was to deep rooted into my growing up that people were “just trying to be nice.”  Well my frame of mind has shifted a bit in the last week.  I have had to face the hard cold reality that there are things way more important in life than how one looks.  Now don’t get me wrong, I still want to feel good about myself and have some confidence.  But it’s a different kind of feel good and it’s a different kind of confidence.  (This is where fabulous headgear comes in).

I look at people walking down the street differently.  Where as I may have at one time said “what are they thinking”  I know think “Good for them for having that confidence in themselves.”  You just don’t know a person’s story.  You don’t know their path.  Therefore you have no business to judge.

I know this seems a big preachy but I was just sitting here scratching my scalp playing the “how many hairs can I pull out today” game.  It’s kind of a sick twisted journey that goes on with this hair thing I’m finding.  Like when it first started coming out…I’m like eh, okay shedding a bit more than usual.  Then it comes out a bit more and your scalp starts to itch.  And you are like, “oh shit.”  And then you brush your hair and like we aren’t just talking clumps but like half the hair comes out. But it’s to the point where my scalp just itches and burns.  They say that it will stop once it’s all gone (I’m getting it shaved tomorrow)  But it’s disturbing.  Lots of tears, lots of emotion that goes along with it.  Now I’m not going to say that I’m over the tears yet.  Anyone who knows me knows it’s kind of my thing.  I’m sort of glad I’ve waited to shave my head.  I’m going for the whole experience.  I’m just short of looking like Gollum.  Okay maybe not quite that bad yet but it’s close.  I was very curious how long it would take to go completely bald.  And it looks like from the time it first starts coming out (which is about 2 weeks into chemo) about a week or so.  I am taking pictures and one day I’ll post the journey.  But right now it’s still a little too close to home.

Another hard thing is the fact that you are totally marked in public.  You can feel everyone staring at you.  You are CANCER PATIENT.  I’m sure it won’t bother me here in a few weeks.  And knowing me I’ll end up doing something to throw people off just because I can.  I’m on the boarder of embracing it and totally breaking down.  Which we all know I’ll eventually embrace it because breaking down for a short time is okay…but I can’t stay there.

Its interesting how you just really never know how you are going to be when faced with certain situations in your life.  I remember saying I would never do Chemo after watching others go through it. I would do all natural and fight it the “right” way.  But here I am.  When it came down to it I had to choose the option with the best odds of survival.  And if losing my hair for a bit is going to get me there, then so be it.  Just know it will not be for nothing…cuz if I’m going to have to go through this a positive outcome bess happen large!

I do want to thank all my family and friends who have been so supportive of this whole situation so far.  I know I keep getting asked what can be done, and honestly just knowing that I have the support and love from people means the world to me.