Went to my first support group meeting yesterday.  It was an open forum so we could talk about anything.  It was very insightful.  There are about 8 women at all different stages.  I’m the new kid on the block.  They serve lunch, which was soup and a salad with grilled chicken and a brownie.  It was pretty yummy.

We went around the room and everyone introduced themselves to me.  It’s a pretty diverse group. Good to get to hear what everyone has gone through and what they are going through. They gave me tips and the do’s and don’ts and the what to watch out for’s.  I guess there is a retreat in October and in a couple weeks they are talking about going on a fly fishing trip.  Okay, I don’t fly fish, but I asked if they would teach me and they said of course.  Now fly fishing…the motion is good for lymphedema and post surgery. (really hoping I don’t get lymphedema…doesn’t look like fun)  It was a really good experience.  I’m glad I went.  Of course it also made me realize what a long road it is and that there is no more normal.  This is my new normal…at least for quite some time.  Then I get a new normal once I become a survivor.

Needless to say, yesterday ended up not being a good day at all. Total melt down.  Which happens. I mean I have my breakdown for a bit and then move on.  Today was a good day.  I think sometimes I need to just lose it to work through things.  I actually figured out that one of the reasons I have these little melt downs is because I have no structure in my life right now.  I mean ever other Tuesday I go in for Chemo and then the next day shot.  Oh and meds.  But I am a planner. I am so used to having everything planned out and doing something.  I am the type of person that if I don’t have a schedule to follow and a goal I melt down and do nothing and then the downward spiral happens.  Well we certainly can’t have that!  So I planned out my activities for the rest of the week. (yes I realize it’s Thursday…baby steps here)  And I’m going back to planning out my week on Sunday’s.

The hardest thing I struggle with is not letting this control me.  I find myself falling into this pattern of “I have cancer and I can’t do…”  Well bullshit.  I am Erika and I happen to have cancer and I can do…. Yes there are days I struggle to do what I really want and am a little to worn down. But it doesn’t mean I can’t do anything and won’t do anything.  So….here we go back on track.  Back to exercising. Back to doing some on line class or something to keep me occupied.  Back to working on transferring my business model up here.  Focus.  And of course I have the house stuff to fill in the rest of the time.  I have to stop letting this define me but make me define it.  You don’t OWN me….

Well, I entertained myself this evening by taking pictures of the back of my head. I mean I have to say I have never seen the back of my own head before like this.  Considering the last time I had no hair I was like 1….So that was interesting.  And I’m kind of shocked of how absolutely near perfect the noggen is.  I mean, I don’t have any crazy lumps or marks.  I thought for sure I would have some freckles or beauty marks or something.  But outside of the few little bumps here and there…I’m kind of impressed.  I think it would be a perfect spot for someone’s logo.  Just puttin it out there….Marketing op!!!!

Well blah blah blah….RANT RANT RANT.