Archive | July 2016

Tigger!!!!

Jul29

I go into the Surgeon to get drained again today.  Hoping there isn’t as much fluid build up so I can start physical therapy and radiation and get this show on the road!.  It’s been a little over a month since surgery.  This by far I think has been the hardest part for me.  Chemo was physical with some emotion but surgery has been devastating emotional and extreme physical.  Before surgery I really didn’t think I would have that much of an issue with losing both breasts.  I mean to an extent I still don’t at times but it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I took sponge baths for the first 3 weeks so I didn’t have to really face 18 inches of scars across my chest and 20 minor scars around my ribs. I think taking a shower for the first time after all this was one of the most etiggeremotional and vulnerable situations I’ve ever had to face.  It gets easier and easier with each day but I’m still pretty devastated.  Hard to say if this is something that I will get used to and embrace over time.  Pete and I have talked about getting a nice big tattoo across my chest.  I’m seriously considering it.

Hair is starting to come in.  It’s to the point I actually feel like the wig has too much hair. I forgot how much I used to wear my hair up out of the way…especially in the summer.  But honestly these days my hair has now become the least of my concerns.

So obviously everywhere around the scars are still numb.  My upper arms still feel like they are being bound and I have no range of motion to do anything.  The pain is more tolerable now than what it was originally, but it is still there and can get pretty annoying at times.  I still have some neuropathy in my hands and feet (side effect from chemo) as well as some swelling.  The neuropathy has gotten a little worse since surgery, but that could be from some of the swelling.  At this point what’s going to be will be and I have to learn to deal with however this all turns out.

 

Tigger Song

 

The word for today is: Seroma

Jul21

Had a lovely day at the hospital yesterday. Met with my Medical Oncologist to see how things are and what’s next on the agenda. We made an appointment with my Radiology Oncologist to see how that is going to play out and how long that treatment will be.  Then I went over to my Surgeon and he drained a bunch of fluid out of me.  Which means no physical therapy yet.  I have to lay low for another week to make sure the fluid has gone down.  I meet with him again next week to see where we are with that.  If the fluid doesn’t slow down and stop he’s threatening to put the tubes back in.  I told him this was not an option….I’m not doing the tubes again!!! So if the world goes right, they will drain out minimal fluid next week and then sign me up for Physical Therapy so I can get my range of motion back.  Then I can start Radiation and do that for a few weeks.  Then once radiation is complete do the immunotherapy.  Then we can see where I am with all this.  Still a lot of things to go through but should be pretty much on the down slope of this craziness.

So I’m going to try really hard to be good this week and not do anything crazy like clean and laundry and anything else that uses my upper chest muscles and upper arms. I did get told I can walk around, but I can’t go swinging my arms around like crazy. Fine. I think this part is driving me the most crazy. It’s like you finally feel good physically for the most part and you just want to get up and do everything like normal. (isn’t that cute that I think of the word normal?)

Fine. I will continue to chill out and do this healing thing for another week. But after that…it’s on.  Seriously though, the hardest part is trying to get comfortable at night without using your arms to move your body.  The recliner and my back are no getting along anymore so I’ve moved into the guest room with a fortress of pillows (and the dog). I’m fine once I get all set up, but until then it’s about hell.  Cleo has been very good about just sleeping  next to me to keep an eye on me. Okay really she just likes to be able to sleep on the bed with me.

Also went to support group yesterday.  I hadn’t been the last few times because of surgery, so it was nice to see everyone and catch up a bit. I wasn’t going to go because I had a drs appt at the same time, but did make the last 10 minutes of the session and then we all sat around and talked for like 45 minutes.  They are a pretty good group.

The hair is growing back finally. On my head I can actually get enough to pull it a bit. Eyebrows are slowly coming back as well as eyelashes and hair on my arms! And I think I may actually have to shave my legs soon! I’m not sure I’m too excited about that one…it was really nice not shaving my legs! Everything is at fuzzy birds nest stage.  Shouldn’t be long before I’m rockin the pixie look.

I’m starting to kind of get used to my scars. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Right now putting on certain shirts is a little hard.  Trying to keep everything baggy at this point. If it was cooler I could at least wear a scarf but not yet. By hard I mean not just hard to get into something that slips over the head but emotionally to see.  I mean you go all this time with breasts and then you don’t have them. Not that I particularly liked them anyway, but it’s just the principle of the whole thing I guess.  I do think I’m going to be okay eventually just being able to take them off at the end of the day.  And it is going to make exercising so much easier.

I haven’t gotten the official pathology report back (which I so should have seen this by now!) but I guessing it was about 5 lbs in breast/tumor tissue.  If I had to guess.  But I’m down 12 lbs in all since surgery.  Once I’m cleared to exercise I have a whole new plan. The body looks much different without the breasts in the way….so totally different perspective.

 

 

No more drain Tubes!

Jul12

Today I got my drain tubes removed.  I have been stressing over this for some time. I talked to many people, read many reports, asked lots of questions.  I was prepared for it.  So they remove the stitches, tell me to take a deep breath and when I breathe out they pull 12 inches of tube out of me. The first side was a bit of a shock and was pretty uncomfortable. Tinge of pain. The other side….they pulled, my blood pressure dropped and I went white. It hurt like a bitch and was the most awful feeling ever.  So out of all the things I’ve been though, drain tubes about take me out. Drain tubes suck ass! May I never have to deal with that again.

Overall the incision is healing nicely.  Everything is very sore, bruised and just awful looking. I have a lot of constriction in my upper arms and not a whole lot of feeling between my shoulders and ribs. I go back next week. If there is no fluid build up then I start physical therapy the following week. I can then start working on my range of motion and getting back to the new normal. I’m hoping I can avoid the drama of lymphedema. All I can do is keep my fingers crossed and not do anything too stupid. I think that’s my next big hurdle. But for the most part I should be on the downslope of the hill.

So for now I”m going to just chill out for another week and heal some more. I’m one more step closer to being done with all this. There are quite a lot of steps!  Next week I also go in to see my medical oncologist and do some blood work and see what the next step is on that end (more anti-hormone therapy and immunotherapy maybe) Also will see when I’ll probably start radiation.  I’ll also see when I get fitted for my prosthesis. That will pretty exciting.

1 week since surgery

Jul6

I have to say this has been the worst surgery I’ve ever had. Took off the dressings yesterday and I was not really prepared for that. I researched and looked at pictures and the whole nine yards to prepare myself for that and its completely different when it’s on your body. So that was a pretty traumatic experience so far. Still in kind of a fog from the pain meds. Pretty much down to 1 every 4 hours. Today I’m going to try to stretch it a little more. Most of the pain is in my left armpit where they took out lymph nodes.  Then the left chest area where they took out the tumor.  My right side isn’t too bad.  I wouldn’t describe my right side as painful…just an annoyance.  Still not eating the full range of foods yet.  Sticking with the basics…turkey sandwich, peanut butter and jelly, crackers, jello and chicken broth.  Not really into food yet.

Not really into being social right now. I’m pretty content sitting here watching shows and sleeping. Pretty much staying off of Facebook because I don’t really care to read all the drama and hate in the world right now. This surgery has really tested my positive outlook on everything. This has been the hardest most emotional part of this fun little journey so far.  Emotionally I’m completely numb. I don’t know if it’s the meds or the fact that I just can’t deal with this right now.  Part of me is like….”This is no big deal….people go through this all the time…so what.”  The other part of me is completely devastated. I’m sure this will also be part of this whole healing thing. I can see how this could change a person.  I like to think this isn’t going to completely change me but it already has.  Hope I regain my sense of humor, because that would totally suck.

So the positives from  the last week….

  1. I’ve watched season 4 of OTNB. Caught up on season 4 of Wenthworth. Watched season 1 of Mr. Robot. Halfway through season 2 of Gotham. Getting ready to watch Bloodline now….hopefully it’s decent.
  2. I’ve lost about 10 pounds since surgery.  But like 5 of it was breast/tumor so not as worrisome as it sounds.
  3. I made it through surgery and am here to talk and complain about it.
  4. The world goes on even if the kitchen isn’t cleaned
  5. Pete’s boss sent over a casserole.
  6. Pete’s staff and co-workers sent me a goodie bag filled with some stuff and a card.
  7. Erik and Ashley sent me some beautiful flowers
  8. Pete picked me some beautiful flowers from the property
  9. Cleo sleeps in the recliner next to me or is always close.  She’s been pretty good through this so far.
  10. I continue to have support from people even if they really have no clue what to say to me right now.

Surgery

Jul3

Wednesday I went in for the bilateral mastectomy with lymph node dissection. I was pretty okay for the most part. After surgery they said I woke up in recovery but I don’t remember any of it.  I was taken into my room.  I don’t remember much of the first night…just bits and parts. Strange because I have never had that reaction before. I always wake up coherent in recovery.  Spent one night in the hospital and went home Thursday about noonish.

I have pretty much been in the recliner surrounded by pillows since Thursday. I have 4 drain tubes, 2 on each side. I kinda feel like Dr. Octavius with these tubes sticking out of my body. I still have the bandages over the scar but from what I can tell it doesn’t look too bad.  I do have some track marks on my right forearm from the IV…so that’s kinda nice.

I talked to the surgeon Friday evening and the pathology report had come back.  Since it was a lobular tumor it was several small tumors over a 10 cm area. The margins came back negative (clear) for the tumors and 5 out of 17 lymph nodes that were removed were positive.  In short what this means is that it’s highly unlikely that I have any cancer left in my body.  We will do another MRI to determine that it is all gone before I can start getting all excited.

I go get the drain tubes removed on the 12th. I then start physical therapy right after that. I’ll then do radiation to make sure nothing has been left behind. Then do immunotherapy and more (anti) hormone therapy to make sure it never comes back.

Pain wise the section they took the nodes out has been the most excruciating pain I’ve ever felt in my life. The actual mastectomy doesn’t hurt that bad. Everything is sore and numb.  What sucks is the itching and not being able to feel the scratching.

I’d like to say it’s all over but I’m about half way through treatment now.