Archive | December 2016

First Change

Dec28

RANT! RANT! RANT! First. I know I say this a lot and

I know I say this a lot and I never quite follow through. I get sucked into the monster that is Facebook. The problem is I don’t want to unfriend anyone because I do like the people or at least find the people I’m friends with interesting and enjoy most of their commentary. I want to keep up with everyone to find out what is going on with them. I’m trying to limit the negativity in my life. Which considering everything going on in the world today is rather difficult at times. But I have noticed that some people tend to be a tad on the dramatic side and take everything to a whole level that I can’t quite deal with at this time. I get it that people are all up in arms about some topic or another. And I’m sure I am criticized at some point for not being vocal enough on the topics of the time. I have plenty to say about things that are going on. I just choose to not share those opinions on social media. Why? I mean it would be nice to express thoughts and then have a civil conversation with people on the topic. Agree or disagree. That would be fantastic. I could totally get into that. But it seems to me that so many people seem to be overly passionate to the point that they can’t call people by their actual names or group name; they have to throw an insult in there. What is the point of name calling? We get it, you don’t like or agree with that person or group. But what does that accomplish? Seems a bit on the childish side. And everyone is quick to point out how immature the other group is being when they are both doing it. So I choose to stay out of it. And venting to one another on Twitter or Facebook isn’t going to solve anything. I mean I don’t know. Maybe the government sits around and reads all the posts on FB tagged with certain words and then they go…”You know what? People aren’t happy. We should do something.” I’m thinking that happens as much as Jesus sits around seeing who has typed “Amen” to a meme.  So maybe all these people should actually do something…contact someone who can actually make something happen. And even if you do contact someone who can do something…you aren’t required to post it on Social Media so that you can make sure everyone knows that “You took a stand.” I mean if you want to post something to the effect of “Stand up and do something…contact XXX” Fantastic. Do that. But otherwise to me is like doing a good deed for someone anonymously then posting about it so everyone knows you did it. Why can’t people do things for themselves, not for “likes.”  Okay done with RANT! RANT! RANT!

Anyway, I’ve decided to try to limit the time I spend on Social Media for 2017. And by limit I mean check it like at the beginning or end of the day and that’s it. Honestly, if something major and life changing is happening in the world I have people that will text me about it. So Change 1.  Social Media time limited to 30 minutes at the beginning or end of the day. I think to help with this I’m going to take it off my phone and only check on my computer. This will make it easier for me to not be tempted.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. I think everything is starting to catch up with me. I NEED A PLAN! LOL! because I can’t seem to function without structure and goals. That is one thing I’ve learned about myself this year. Totally need a schedule or I just wander off into la la land and accomplish nothing for days. So my second change is to come up with a schedule for myself and stick to it. And there lies the problem. Sticking to something. Finding will power. Heck. Finding the will. Maybe I should do the opposite for a change not over think everything and just do shit. I have always created these goals and plans and when I don’t follow through with them I feel like I’ve failed. Hmmm. So I need to either follow through with them or not create them to begin with.

I need to find some classes or volunteer work to start out. Eventually, I’ll need to find an actual job. But until then I need to fill up that time and not sit around and just wait for things to happen. So I guess that’s my other thing. Not sitting around waiting for life to come at me, to go out and get life and make shit happen. (honestly that’s the goal, but at this precise moment getting out of bed or off the couch is a huge victory)  I’ll get there, I just feel like I need some time to process all this and mourn (for lack of a better word). I don’t know, maybe I don’t and I need to stop being a drama queen and buck up and get off my ass and move on. I’m trying not to make the last year a big deal. But the more I think about it, the more I think it was kind of a big deal. But I can’t dwell on it. I have to say “Yep, that sucked, what’s next.”

I am truly grateful for my husband who has been so supportive and I know he’s trying to push me to move on and not get stuck here. But it’s a tough position for him to be in. I mean he has to time what he says just right so I don’t fly off the handle into some drama-laden rant about lord knows what. He should really get a medal or something for all this. I wish he had more support this last year. I can’t imagine what it was like to be in his shoes dealing with all that he had to deal with. I think he has come out stronger through all this as well. But I have to wonder. If I’m going through this transition chaos, he must be going through some sort of chaos of his own….most likely created by yours truly.

Hmmmm. So much to ponder….and that seemed to go off topic a bit.

What Next

Dec27

I’ve been sitting here the last few days trying to figure out what my next steps are. What exactly it is I need to do and what I want to do. I was told at one point to look at this as having a blank slate. So I sit here staring at a blank slate wondering what my first stroke will be. I may be over thinking this. I feel like whatever color I choose or shape I create will define the remainder of my life. Logically I know this isn’t true. But I think I’m putting unnecessary pressure on myself to make sure I do everything just right. It’s like I want this next chapter to be perfect. I know that isn’t right. If I have learned anything I should go in with 3 paint brushes in each hand all different colors and just go nuts. Of course, that’s kind of how I’ve always lived my life it seems. I’ve never had a specific direction. I’ve always just flown by the seat of my pants and wait to see where things take me. I’ve never had a plan.  Which is just crazy for someone who seems to always be planning something. So I’ve been really taking a look at my life and myself. It’s been hard to look at myself from an outside point of view. Being totally objective. Being without personal emotional attachment.

Through treatment, I had been in a bit of a daze. I just went and did what I was told. I didn’t have to think too much about what to do and where I was going. The only thing I needed to know and be aware of is getting through all of it. My whole thought process was very simple, “whatever needs to be done to get this out of my body and make sure it never comes back…let’s do that.” It was all very simple. The drugs from chemo really affected my brain function. Surgery really messed with my mental state. Radiation wore me down mentally and physically. I sit here a month and a half after everything slowly coming out of all this fog. I still have trouble verbally communicating. I have the thought in my head but I can’t think of all the words I’m supposed to use.  Sometimes I can’t think of the order the words are supposed to be in. It’s like my brain and verbal function is not connected sometimes. Other things I have issues with are planning and multitasking. I purposely decided to cook specific things this holiday season because cooking, I have found, helps with all those functions. I have to plan it out and then do things in a specific order and at a specific time. That has helped. Of course, if something goes wrong I panic and then I lose my ability to communicate and reason. On the up side, it has shown me exactly where my weaknesses are and what I need to work on. I’ve been doing a lot of word games to try to help this. I also found some other games that help with order and reasoning.

Physically, I go back and forth between extreme fatigue and wanting to run a marathon. The physical part I’m not as concerned about. I go and work out at least 3-4 times a week at this point. I run, walk, swim and stretch.  Coming up here soon I’ll be upping the work outs a bit more. Weights for my upper body are a tricky thing yet. I tried but I have to be very careful. If I do too much my whole upper body swells.  I figured the swimming will help the upper body some. And I did start to do planks. Eventually, my upper body will be strong enough to start adding weights on dry land. But for now, we keep it in the water.

I’m trying to look at things as positively and realistically as possible. If I were to say 2017 is going to be a fabulous year and there will be nothing but good things happening I would be delusional. I look at 2016 as the year of being torn down. This means 2017 is the year to rebuild. It’s not going to be easy. There are going to be some roadblocks (there always are). It’s going to be a tough road.  Another battle…a different battle. I have to set realistic expectations of myself. Just like “oh treatments over now, it’s done and you can go back to your life” isn’t a reality (although how nice would that be). In reality, it’s “now that treatment is over what the hell am I left with here and how can I make this work.” The major problem that I’m finding is my mental state. This is my biggest hurdle. I find that I don’t seem to care about the same things as much as I did before. My priorities have shifted. The question is have they shifted so much that I’m not going to be able to function. I think there is a balance I have to develop.

For 2017 there are going to be a lot of changes. I want to say I’m never going to look back, but sometimes you have to look back to see how far you have come. I think the key is to not dwell on the past. Look fondly at the experience regardless of what that experience was. Remember the lessons you have learned from it, extract anything that could be useful for a current situation or one you are faced with, and then let it go and move on. Never dwell on the negative and get lost in the details of what happened. I don’t want to live there again. I’m hoping that each year will get easier. Right now appointments are every 3 months. As they become every 6 months and hopefully every year I will be able to relax and find my new place in this life and create things I never thought were possible.  Whatever….Right now I have to try to figure out how to live with this cloud over my head. Maybe someday that will go away too.

Another Year

Dec21

Monday was my 47th birthday. I am glad to have made it this far. Thoughts are all over the place. My step father was 47 when he died of pancreatic cancer. So I feel pretty lucky. I think I’ve been a little blue the last week. One would think that I would be the complete opposite, I mean I have everything to be happy about right now!

I did go on my first job interview Monday. If anything it was a good experience to see where I am as far as being able to answer questions quickly and coherently. I made the decision that it was not a good fit for me for completely unrelated reasons to my mental state of mind. Kind of a bummer because the job seemed like it would have been really fun. It’s nice to actually be in a position to really interview a company and be on the offensive vs. the defensive. But mentally I’m not quite there yet. I’m getting there. I still can’t think of all the words I want to use yet. And my thoughts aren’t up to the level I want them to be. So I continue to do word puzzles and logic games.

So my eyebrows are falling out again. It seems this is normal. Hair has a cycle. When you lose all your hair from chemo all the hairs are on the same cycle so fall out all at once vs at different times.  I hope it is limited to my eyebrows and eye lashes! If my hair falls out again I guess I need to invest in a really good wig.

I’ve been on the Aromasin for a month and a half now. Hot flashes continue, but aren’t too bad. They are tolerable. I’m still getting fatigued which is really annoying. But the biggest complaint I have is the pain in my legs, hips, arms, hands and feet. My hands are swelling a little bit. I also haven’t been working out because I’ve been too tired. But I also haven’t been eating as good as I need to or drinking enough water.

Wow isn’t this turning out to be a total bitch session.  It could be worse. I shouldn’t complain….its a small price to pay for my life.

Oh The People

Dec12

I’ve been swimming. The other day I was in the locker room getting changed and these 2 older women came in. One looked at me then looked at her friend and said “is the the WOMENS locker room? I thought this was the women’s locker room.” and then looked at me again while her friend was answering with a “well it’s supposed to be.” As she and her friend went on and on about which gender is in which locker room, I just looked at her, continued to get dressed and left. I couldn’t say anything. I froze. I didn’t know how to react.  in my mind on the way home I was like “what just happened?” and thought of all kinds of things to say. surprisingly I didn’t cry. I actually felt sorry for her. People really have no concept and are clueless. I go  acknowledge and forth between sharing a piece of my mind with people like that and saying  nothing. I don’t think it would do any good and I would hate to make someone feel bad because they are uneducated and ignorant. I’ll figure out how to get brave to deal with this one day. I’m too busy trying to find normal.

Nothing

Dec7

Nothing really going on. Just bored. Went in for an eye exam today. Yay! New glasses. Shocking, my left eye is getting worse. It’s funny because the Dr is like all apologetic and acting like poor vision is something awful. “It will gradually get worse, but it will stop, I promise.”  I’m like yeah it could be worse. And she’s all “I suppose.” Perspective. I mean I saw a guy today who is getting radiation done near his eye and it’s all open wounded and kinda bandaged up and just looks painful as hell…and at least I have eyes..so yeah…it COULD be worse. 

They don’t read the forms you fill out. It asked for my profession and I replied “recovering cancerholic.” I got nothing. You know I purposefully fill out paperwork with as many smart ass answers as I can just to see if they really do read it. So I’m sitting in the room and they knock before entering. Why? It’s an eye exam. Is there something I don’t know? Of course, who knows. After my sauna experience the other day, anything is possible I suppose.

I can’t sit at home forever. “But you can volunteer” Yeah and I can try to make some money too so I can go places and do things!! I think working at home would be nice but I think I would get bored. I sort of have a love-hate relationship with people. I’m not going to rush the job search or push it. The right one will come along that I’m supposed to have. The most important thing is that I enjoy what I do. And I don’t want to be all stressed out about work. I want a job where I’m helping people and having a good time doing it that has got to be out there somewhere!

Progress

Dec4

My physical therapist told me to start swimming.  So I’m back in the pool. I’m up to 14 laps. (25 meter pool) They are slow laps but they are laps. And I stop and stretch a bit or tread water at the end of each one for 30 seconds. But it has felt really good so far. I think my arms/chest like it.  I’m hoping it will help my lower back as well.  I rotate through strokes…breast, back and free.  

As far as running (jog and walking combo)…I’m up to a 16.30 mile and doing about 1.5 miles at this point. (I started at a 20 min mile even. I go for 25 minutes and see how far I get.  Once I get to 2 miles in 25 minutes I’ll increase to 30 minutes. 

I’m alternating swimming and jogging. The days I jog I do the weights…upper and lower body.

The diet is up and down. I have room for improvement. I do good then go off and pay for it  I understand the moderation concept which or the most part is working well…but still makes me feel like crap when I do it.

I’ll get there slowly but surely. Rebuilding from the ground up making sure I have a good solid foundation to start with.

The hardest part is taking everything and applying what I’ve learned over the last year. The biggest thing has been learning to put me first and take care of myself. I have never been one to spend a lot of time on me (post kids) so it’s going to take some practice.