I was sitting here thinking today….1 year ago was my last day in Colorado before the move to finally be with my husband in Montana. It was a year ago that I had a wonderful dinner with my son and we spent the evening painting the master bedroom and doing the final packing up of the car and everything before I left in the morning. It was a year ago that I hugged him in the entryway before he left and we cried. It was a year ago that I was so excited yet so sad at the same time. It was a year ago I was going to leave my baby behind and move on to the next chapter of our life…one that for the first time in 25 years didn’t include my only child.

Friday will be my one year anniversary of arriving in Missoula. I was thinking Friday will be the day I can pick up where I left off like the last year never happened. Then I realized all the “1 year ago today” scenarios were also coming.  They all start on the 19th when I first went to the drs here and they started to scramble to get me all these drs appointments the same day. The 25th anniversary of me giving birth to my son. I remember thinking as I was sitting in the drs office and they were calling surgeons and other doctors how surreal the whole thing was.

I have to try to find a way to not let this year of 1st anniversaries consume me in a negative way. I need to find a way to look at it as a positive.  I have to look at it as I’m alive and well. I’ve made it through to the other side. Another year in the books. I should be celebrating. I find myself mourning. It was such an emotion packed rough year. This day imparticular was devastating to me emotionally. But I made it through. I have to keep reminding myself that.

I didn’t go to the gym today because I feel like I need to get myself together emotionally today. And I didn’t sleep much because I was up all night worrying about the pipes freezing.  I have a follow-up radiology appointment tomorrow. Then I don’t have another oncology appointment until Valentine’s day. I still feel like I’m in limbo. I now need to dig down and find the strength to push myself through this limbo stage.

I know this sounds stupid, but I changed my cell phone number to try to help me mentally move on and not live in the past. Who knows if that will work. I’m sure on some level that makes sense.