Archive | June 2017

Happy Anniversary!

Jun29

One year ago today I had my double mastectomy. I didn’t think I would get emotional, and then the “on this day” post came up on the Facebook feed. As I was reading the updates and words of encouragement, and them my first response out of surgery “Nastiiieeee, yay crackers.”, I started to ponder the feelings and emotions from that day. I have to say I had never been so terrified in my life. The entire experience is kind of a blur. I remember the tears rolling down my face and trying not to panic as they put me under. So many different thoughts and emotions and then just being numb. I remember waking up in my room, not having remembered a thing from being in the recovery room. I remember how sick I felt and how I had never experienced pain like this before. I remember feeling like I hit rock bottom. Hairless, flat chested and unable to think straight. Tubes hanging out of my sides and unable to feel anything, physically and emotionally. People trying to comfort me but there was no comfort to be had. Feeling like everything was taken away from me. The realization that I was literally going to have to rebuild myself from the ground up.

If ever there was a darkest time in my life, this would be that time. Only those who have gone through this can relate, although others would tell me about their surgeries and time in the hospital. And those people who reassured me that I would have reconstruction before I knew it so it wasn’t that big of a deal. The jokes about all this to get a new set of boobs. Realizing how utterly ignorant people were.

So here I am 1 year later. I am still not a candidate for reconstruction. And I’m really okay with it. I still have numbness where the scars are and the surrounding area. I still get pains in my chest and under my arms. I still freak out with feeling the clips and scar tissue wondering for a brief moment if I’m going to have to face round two.

The psychological part of all this is getting better. I’m getting used to my new body and rolling with the changes of new normal. I still don’t have the upper body strength or range of motion I once had, but I’m working on it and it all gets better every day. I do yoga once a week (which I really need to do it more). I’ve started to lift weights (about 20 lbs).  I’ve had a few setbacks over the last year, but I’m definitely better than I was! I would estimate that I’m at about 75% at this point.  (physically and mentally)

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t talk about any of this anymore. I’m trying not to dwell in the past. Now I’m not saying that I will ever forget any of this, I am just trying to move forward. When I was going through everything I was very open about every step. Now I find myself keeping much if it to myself. This last year has been a very exhausting journey personally. I think I’m not sharing as much because I don’t want to use it as a crutch and people just get sick and tired of hearing about it. But mostly because it’s been such a personal growth experience for me.

The further away it gets the less real it seems to have been. I know over the years, people will forget. People will never realize the impact and the pain and the struggle. There are still times when I feel so completely alone because of all of this. The friends and family that have fizzled away. Those who are bothered that I’m not quite the same person as I once was. Those who can’t understand why I sometimes get quiet and lose myself in thought. Why sometimes I think about it and just break down because it is still so overwhelming.

So I will celebrate the anniversaries over the years, and look back to remember the struggle and how far I have come. I will celebrate how I overcame so much in one year.  I will celebrate how it has shaped me emotionally and physically. And I will celebrate being alive.

 

Stuff, Stuff and More Stuff

Jun12

So many things going on these days, its sort of a whirlwind! I am in the midst of trying to wrap my head around some sort of schedule. I feel like the last few months I’ve just been flying by the seat of my pants and have no control over anything. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with that, it’s just that it makes me feel like I’m completely out of control. Of course, with all this, I also worry about going back to my old ways…BC.  I think that’s the thing I struggle with the most. Am I going to go back into the same habits that lead me to this point in the first place. The whole thing I wanted was to be less stressed and enjoy life. But I think about life BC and now, and it is very different. I have control over what I do and don’t do. And yes I often have the thought “can I be trusted to even be in control of that!” I know that may not make sense, but I have a tendency to just go with things without thinking and the next thing you know I”m all over the place!

But I digress….The schedule. I’m getting to the point with the event side of the business that all the processes are down and everything is set up. I’ve moved my workout time to the mornings vs. afternoons because well…I’m finding if I wait too long in the day I get wrapped up in other things and end up blowing it off. So, mornings it will be. I’m also trying to compartmentalize all the tasks I have to do so I’m not spending too much time on things I shouldn’t be. Part of my schedule is to set time each week to blog! I haven’t been very good about it all.

My next little project is to get my Signing Agent certification out of the way. I’ve been putting it off for a few months now. So I need to get on it.  My goal is to get that finished up by the end of this month. I started to get more of a feel for that over the last few days. That will be my other little business. Once I get that up and running I can look at the 3rd element of my little empire. Now, one is probably thinking, wait. I thought you were just doing event planning? What is this other stuff you are talking about? Well, I decided to not put all my eggs in one basket. The idea is that if one business is slow, I have something else to fill in the gaps. So what is this 3rd component? Aaaahhhhh….working on that….will reveal once I have it all figured out in my head.

Let’s see, healthwise, things are going okay. I get tired a bit here and there, but I also haven’t been working out. So I have to get my butt in gear on that. Certain things are always in the back of my mind. Every little pain and weird feeling puts me on alert. I don’t’ know if that will ever change. But honestly the only thing I can do is exercise, eat right and try to keep my stress down. Outside of that, whatever will be will be.

Next week is the last anniversary in the teens. Geeze! 19 years! That kinda seems crazy. We are going to celebrate by going to the coast. I’ve never seen the Pacific ocean so I’m pretty excited about the whole thing. We are spending 1 night on the coast of Oregon and then 2 nights in Portland since he hasn’t been there. I suspect it’s going to be a really good time. We have friends in the Portland area, so I’m pretty sure we will all get together. We haven’t seen them in years! It will be a good time. BUT it will be the first time we take Cleo to a kennel. I like to refer to it as camp. It makes me feel better. I’m sure she will survive it and be just fine. The mom always has a harder time leaving her kids than they do!