It’s been quite some time since I’ve contributed anything here. Been a bit busy with the business and trying to figure out what to do next! Trying to get a business up and running is a lot of work. In addition to the event planning (which is really just wedding planning at this point) I’ve been doing refinance signings. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. But it’s something. Oh and the son got married 2 weeks ago, so I’ve been all over the place. It’s coming to the end of wedding season and I’m trying to come up with ways to promote the business as well as trying to figure out exactly which direction I want to go in with this. I live in an area that is very big on the DIY thing. Everyone thinks that planning is the same as organizing and decorating. Oh if it were only that much.

So in addition to all that I’ve been kind of struggling with my lack of care and thought about the whole cancer thing. I talk to people who have been through it and I don’t seem to really care about it as much as I think I should. I mean yes it happened. Yes, it was horrible. Yes, I never want to go through it again. But I’m finding that I’m moving on. Anniversaries are coming up and I look back and yes I get emotional over it. I think about how hard it was and how far I’ve come.  I haven’t gone to a support group meeting in forever. And it’s not for any other reason other than I suppose I don’t really need the support anymore. But I start thinking, yeah, you don’t, but maybe you can help someone going through it who needs some sort of positivity. But then I think I don’t want to get pulled back into all that. I honestly and selfishly just want to put it behind me. Not to the point of pretending it never happened, but to just move on from it. I suppose it would be something like not wanting to live in the past or dwelling on it. But is that really what’s happening there? I mean there has got to be some balance there. This is one of those instances where you don’t have to go to extremes.

I just find it interesting that mentally this is where I am. I feel like I have no fear with things. I’m in this weird mental limbo. It’s like I don’t think, I just do things. Yet I over think and plan everything. I have a very strong lust for life and “just do it” kind of attitude but at the same time, I’m just numb. It’s a very interesting place. I feel like I’m trying so desperately to get out of the woods, but I’m not quite to the edge yet. Just when I think everything is “normal” something reels me back in to remind me. So I wonder if this is going to be my “new normal” or if I’m still in a transition. It seems like it all happened so long ago, yet I haven’t been out of treatment a year yet.

I sometimes feel like I jumped into things too soon. I have those “what the hell did I do?” moments. But then the panic stops and I feel like if I didn’t jump into things I wouldn’t be as far along with getting back to some sort of normalcy. I’m sure I’m totally over thinking all this. I need to just go with things and see where they take me!

So with that, I guess I can pick up on my little Diva journey where I left off. I still think it’s funny that this whole blog started off as a weight loss journey to reclaim my confidence back and this is how it played out. SOOOOO…..what have we learned from this little detour? Eat right. Exercise. Manage stress. Stay positive. Do what makes you happy. Live life to the fullest. You need to have a truly balanced life all around.

And so we resume Making of a Diva….