It’s been a little over a month since I wrote anything. Yes I’ve been busy, but I’ve also been spending a lot of time getting my thoughts together. It’s been quite the roller coaster to say the least.

Zometa infusion number two was on March 2nd. It was much better without COVID for sure! I was down for a couple days but that’s about it. Mostly fatigue. Debilitating fatigue. My blood work looked good and my tumor markers went down. So that’s a positive. This means it’s working.

I had to go in for another blood test on the 15th just to see if my white blood cells were down due to the Ibrance since I was also on my week off. Well, I had to postpone taking the next cycle of Ibrance because my white blood count isn’t where they want it to be. So I’m going in this week to get the blood test redone. Hopefully, it comes back with better news so I can move forward with cycle 2 of Ibrance. After I finish that cycle my oncologist is going to lower the dose a bit from 125mg to 100mg. That should help with the white blood cell count (we hope!)

The pain has not been that bad. And when I say not bad I mean, I feel pain every now and then for a brief time, and then it goes away. It’s not like it’s constant. Except for my back. My back hurts all the time. But I don’t know if that is cancer-related or me sitting most of the day working related. When I get pain it’s in my rib, spine, and pelvis mostly. After my Zometa infusion, the pain is pretty much all over.

I finally did it I started the Making of a Diva Podcast! I didn’t want it to be exactly like the blog, I mean that’s just no fun and well, redundant. So with the Podcast, I’m trying to hit the pillars of being a Diva which covers the Mind, Body, and Spirit. I want to enlighten people about being more present and in tune with themselves. Ways that others handle and deal with situations so that someone may have an ah-ha moment. I want to cover all topics from cancer to infertility and adoption. I was very apprehensive about putting myself out there and being seen. So I hope people get something out of it and enjoy it.

I have met up with a cancer group here in town that I didn’t know existed. It’s the Cancer Support Community. What a wonderful program they have. I’ve started to see one of their counselors who is pretty cool. I also attended my first METS support group today. It’s online because it’s from people all over Montana. I appreciate and love the other support groups in the area, but I was looking specifically for one with Stage IV members only. It’s a different mindset and a different conversation. Not everyone in the group has breast cancer. But we all have the commonality of what you go through when you hit IV. I can’t tell you how insightful it was today to listen to the members and tell their story and their outlook. I was able to ask the hard questions that no one wants to talk about. And everyone seems to have a great sense of humor.

There were so many things I took away today from this meeting. The first was a discussion we had about not looking at it as a battle and fighting. Not one of us in the group considers ourselves warriors with cancer or something we have to fight each day. As they put it, it’s like a dance. Sometimes you lead, and sometimes it leads. But the main thing is that we are learning to live with it and roll with it. This was a very different mindset with early-stage cancer. Because you knew you could beat it. With us, we aren’t going to beat it so you just have to learn to live with it.

The other thing I found insightful is how they thought about cancer in general. They do not let it consume them. They are not the victim of this disease. They treat it like any other thing that goes on with your health. They just live life the best they can and enjoy the time that is left. It is what it is. And I know a lot of people hate that phrase, but that’s about what it is for Stage 4’ers. It’s interesting because everyone is going to die. It’s just that those with Stage IV are a little more aware that it’s really inevitable and it’s very real.

We discussed how even before cancer and people without cancer, have good days and bad days. It’s just that our good and bad days have a little more attached to them. Maybe we are just hyper-focused on them as are the people around us. But we have the advantage of knowing why we are having a good or bad day, whereas noncancer people may not always know.

One of the first things that go through your mind when you are told you are terminal is that you have weeks or months to live. Every person’s cancer is different. Even two people with the same exact diagnosis are not going to have the same treatment because there are so many variables that are unique to the individual. And just when we think we have it down, new information comes up or things change. So treatment is a moving target.

As horrible as cancer is and all the negativity, I’ll tell you, I have met some of the most incredible people through this journey. And I would have never met them if it wasn’t for having to go through all of this. Not just other patients but, nurses and doctors, rad techs, and support staff. There are truly genuine people out there who care and are empathetic and want to help. I have grown tremendously over the last 7 years. And I keep growing and learning and listening to others’ thoughts, experiences, and take on situations. It has been the best learning experience ever.

And there are so many people who don’t die from cancer but from the treatment. And of course, something else could take you out like a meteor, avocado truck, or plane crash. So what it comes down to is, no one knows. We don’t put things off til later because later is already here.