The one thing I have learned on this journey so far is to just relax and appreciate everything around you.  Nothing in this world is that important that you can’t take the time to just enjoy what you have around you.

I wake up and check all the news and social media to get caught up on everything that is going on in the world.  Shake my head because most of it is so ridiculous.  Then go for my walk with the dog through the woods.  at 8:00 in the morning it’s the perfect temperature.  I started out by walking down to the end of the property. Now I’m up to about a mile.  Although yesterday I did do two.  After my walk I get the coffee and my english muffin and sit out on the back deck and listen to the birds and nature.  Just sit there.  No TV, no radio.  As I was sitting there I was thinking how wonderful it is to be in this spot.  Not much to complain about, if anything.  I’m getting to feel more normal every day, I have a roof over my head, food on my plate, a good man by my side, an awesome dog and stress free surroundings in the middle of the woods.  I don’t think it gets much better than that.

I don’t take the days for granted that’s for sure.  And just enjoy not feeling horrible.  I spent 3 months in pain and feeling like death and boy does it feel good not to feel that way.  My heart goes out to those who have to endure chemo for a half a year or years.  There is a guy I met in Chemo that will be going through it for the rest of his life.  It’s what is keeping him alive.  I hate that he has to go through that and to see the tiredness and pain in his eyes is heartbreaking. I just know I don’t wish that on anyone.

So while everyone is bitching and complaining about life in general stop and think if you really have it that bad.  As the old guy in Wal Mart said to me…”I woke up…I’m not in that much pain…it’s going to be a good day!”

Chemo is OVAH!

That’s really all.  I don’t have a whole lot of other information to report.  The tumor has pulled away from the chest wall like it was supposed to and I have a consult with the Surgeon next week to talk about when and what we are going to do.  Then the next week I’m having an MRI done to see what is going on.

I can’t tell you how much of a relief it is to know that I only have like 2 more weeks of the poison flowing through my veins….and more importantly my hair will finally start to grow back in about 2-3 weeks!  VERY EXCITED.

Once I know more I’ll of course report it.

I was thinking though…..This reminds me a lot of Basic Training.  They tear you down and build you back up.  In a lot of ways this is the same thing.  This has tore me down to my core physically and emotionally and will then be responsible for rebuilding myself to be a better person for having gone though all this.  So I guess I better decide what I want to do with this blank slate once I have it.

**UPDATE – They changed my Pre-op to the 16th so that the Surgeon can read the MRI before we meet (what a concept).  So I won’t know anything until the 16th now….OH THE WAITING!  I mean I understand they can’t really do anything until after a few weeks after chemo treatment because it messes with things and I’m not going to be feeling better by then anyway…so it’s all for the best.  But I’m just very anxious to move on to this next phase!!!! Like I would do the surgery tomorrow if they would let me!

Round 2 of chemo started on Tuesday.  They are stacking my Taxol so instead of doing once a week for 12 weeks I’m going to do every other week for 8 weeks.  As long as my numbers stay good I’ll be done on May 31st vs. July 5th.  So that’s good news.  The booster shot (which helps the body produce white blood cells) they give me on day two is just taxing.  Imagine someone sticking knives in  your bones.  This is what it feels like when your body is forced to make white blood cells.  It’s a super good time. Luckily it only lasts for a few days!

I was at my fit to fight session.  I went in pain because it was team competition and of course we won.  I’m not competitive at all.  Anyhoo.  I’m sitting there and this guy comes up to me and asks me if I’m a survivor.   I had no response other than “no I wouldn’t say that. I’m in treatment still so I guess I’m still a fighter.”  He said that he could tell I was on Survivor mode by my look.  Yes sporting the chemo tan, wearing a beanie over the bald head look.  He told me his story, welcomed me to the brother/sisterhood and gave me a fist bump and walked away.  At this point I break down because well I was just given an anti hormone shot the other day and am an emotional wreck because of it.  So that was a good time.  But made me realize I need to toughen the heck up!!!!  I’m not embracing this as I should yet.  I mean I’m getting better, but still not full out warrior. But there is really this community of cancer people that you are automatically accepted into the club if you too have cancer.  Gee…not really a club I wanted to be a part of but…okay I’ll take it.

In a few weeks I’m going to be volunteering for the Fit to Fight Triathlon.   That should be fun.  Maybe being around more cancer survivors will help with this battle mode I need to be in more.

So I have 3 more chemo sessions left (hopefully!).  I am starting to really look at this one day at a time and not get too ahead of myself since I still have quite a road ahead of me still.  The whole thing is quite the roller coaster.  I have my chemo session and day 1 is tiring but not too bad.  Day 2 I get booster shots so still, I’m tired but it’s tolerable. But I’m very emotional and it’s usually a bad day. Days 3, 4 and 5 I am just in pain and tired.  Then about Day 6 I’m just tired but start to want to really go do things.  It builds up til I feel just about normal and then I start all over again.  It’s really exhausting.  Poor Pete has to deal with all this mess.  He should get a vacation when all this is over and done with!  I really think it’s harder on the loved ones than me.

Well the last week has been quite the ride.  I think it builds up.  They said it wouldn’t.  They don’t know shit.

Day of Chemo was fine.  And the day after was okay.  But the next day.  Geeze! I have been dragging for the last few days.  And I got this really cool side effect that my entire body hurts to touch it.  Not a muscle or a bone thing, literally every thing just hurts to the touch.  So that made sleeping pretty non existent for a few nights.  It’s slowly getting better but it has not been a fun run this time around.  Nausea has been at an all time high this week as well.  Bland things are my friend. The only downfall is my taste buds have changed and there are some things that just don’t even sound good.  So to get anything that remotely is eatable is a good thing.  I do manage to eat salads for lunch so that hasn’t changed and it’s still working for me.  Fruit is still my friend.  So I am all about apples and grapes right now. And peanut butter.  Still love me some peanut butter!  I’m hoping that once this next round starts I can get into the habit of eating a little better.  Right now they told me my focus is on just eating anything that will stay down.  Which is great, but I feel like I need to figure something out.  I keep getting told that right now calories are more important than anything.  Okay fine.  Am I eating things I’m not supposed to.  Yep. sure am.  When I talked to the dr and dietitian they told me not to worry about it….as long as I was eating good things too it’s fine.  There will be time to worry more about my diet after chemo ends.

I started reading this book “Anti Cancer – A new way of life” by David Servan-Schreiber.  The plan is to read this by the time I start my next round of chemo and go balls to the wall fight mode.  I’m kind of starting to get a little tired of all this being sick and tired thing.  I would like to get back to living my life again.  But I do realize that I’m on this path for a reason.  And I believe that reason may just be to teach me to stop stressing and learn to take care of myself and just relax and enjoy life.  I was looking back at the last 30 some years….I’ve been high strung, stressed, worried about everything and anything.  I mean you can’t stay like that at all.  So as I sit here during the day and read and chill out and piddle around the house feeling completely useless, I’m also being taught a lesson.  And I have to allow myself to do this.  It’s okay.  And in the end I’m going to enjoy everything around me and not stress any more about things around me.  Things are going to be as they are and no amount of stress or worry is going to change that outcome.  So I’m using this time to reflect.

Not getting into the title but just put a little bit in some water….good stuff. I have never had it before so it was a 50/50 shot. I add a little to water once a day…gets the job done.  My first attempt I drank 4 Oz out of the gates.  Let’s say I will NEVER do that again. Learn that lesson once!!!

Today was my last day of bug juice.  Four cycles of Adriamycin and Cyclophosphamide (A/C). The Adriamycin is the red stuff.  It’s been a rough road with these but not nearly as bad as some other people.  So I’m very grateful for not having quite the side effects as a lot of people!

In 2 weeks I start a 12 cycle once a week run with Paxlitaxel  (Taxol).  Not as potent.  So any cells that didn’t die from the A/C should die with the Taxol.  Between killing cells and the hormones shut down so as to not feed anyone we should be good.  The plan is to kill the cancer cells and starve them so they don’t come back.  Then we take out the dead tumor.  I was told today that it’s okay if the tumor doesn’t shrink as long as the cells die we are good.  But if it shrinks obviously that’s a plus. 

Nice to have phase 1 a down.  On to phase 1b!!!! 

Let’s see.  I joined the Fit to Fight program.  It’s an exercise group for Cancer people.  Meets twice a week at the local gym here in town.  I had the initial baseline test yesterday.  They do the sit to stand test.  You stand and sit in a chair as many times as you can in 30 seconds.  Then you do a balance test.  And finally the treadmill test.  Twenty minutes at 2.0-2.5 mph and increase incline to 15 in 5 minutes intervals.  OR until you hit their number 6 on the perceived exertion scale.  I’m happy to say I got to do the full 20 minutes and 15 incline.  I’m not completely out of shape yet!  But I get a membership to the gym for the 2 months the program is active, and I can go as many times as I want during that time in addition to the 2 classes a week.  The classes are broken down into 3 20 minutes sessions.  The first 20 minutes is an instructional period where she will teach us about different health and fitness topics.  Then the next 20 minutes will be resistance training.  Either bands or the machines.  And finally the cardio portion.  So this should be fun. And one of the physical therapists on the team went to UNC in Greeley…graduated in 2011.  So that’s kind of cool.  Lots of people from Colorado around these parts it seems.

Chemo session today.  Seems as though the treatment is working.  The tumor is shrinking and pulling a way from my body.  It is compartmentalizing which is a good thing.  So Cruella ain’t happy.  Tomorrow when I go in for my Neulasta shot I’ll be getting the anti-hormone shot as well.  Since my type of cancer is very hormone receptive this shot is supposed to help block the hormones from helping the cancer thrive. So it’s another step that’s going to totally piss Cruella off and make her never want to come back to visit.  I have one more chemo session in 2 weeks of the hard core stuff, then we go to phase 2!  One phase will be down.  Then 12 weeks weekly of a much more tame drug.  So we shock and bombard the sucker and then when it’s down for the count we just hit her steady for a prolonged amount of time.  The plan then is to take what’s left of her out about 3 weeks after my last chemo.  Right now it’s mastectomy. I’m really okay with that. Not having the option to have her come back far outweighs my need for an ego at this point. So last chemo session is scheduled for July 5th.  Surgery should be around the week of July 25th.  Then I recover and do radiation.  Oh and I guess when you get radiation they give you a tattoo where they need to treat.  So I’ll be getting my very first tattoo because of this.  Of course they will end up taking it with the mastectomy so it won’t be there for long.

Overall they are very happy with how I have responded and reacted to all this treatment.  I think I am.  Of course I expected the worst.  But I’m totally just taking it one day at a time and one treatment at a time.