So here I am 8 months after chemo and a week shy of 1 year since diagnosis.  Today to celebrate I got my hair colored! Starting to feel more normal. I don’t have anything against my natural hair color…but getting rid of the gray and lighting it up a bit makes me feel better. 

Over the weekend I ran my 1sr 5k AC (After cancer). This was the race I ran a week before I was diagnosed. I had suspicions but it haven’t been confirmed yet. So to be able to run it one year later was a milestone I set for myself. And with that I’m picking up where I left off….

Tomorrow I start back to work. I signed up with the staffing agency in town. This gives me some flexibility easing back into work after a year (and 3 months). So temporary sign mentioned for 3 months full time.  Not exactly easing into it but this is how it’s going to work out. Haven’t decided if I’m excited, nervous or dreading it.  At this moment I’m indifferent.  I’m more concerned with the snow and icy roads tomorrow morning than anything. Oh and Cleo will be by herself all day. She is not going to be happy. I have to move my working out to 5:30. I guess we’ll see how much energy I have by the end of the day.

The business. Still slowly working on this. Trying to decide if I really want to do weddings. There is so much drama with that.  But I’m still researching a bit.

I really hope I don’t do this forever. Tomorrow is a really big day. First, my one and only child was born 26 years ago tomorrow.  I hope he has a most wonderful day tomorrow.  I miss not being there. It does make me happy that he has started his own life and is starting his own family.

NOW. One year ago I went to the Dr so I could get a mammogram. I’ll never forget the look on the Dr’s face when he was examining my breast. I’ve never seen that look on a doctor’s face before and it scared the shit out of me. Not 10 minutes after I was being rushed around the hospital getting set up with “the best” doctors and surgeons in Missoula.  My head was spinning. For the next 3 weeks being poked and prodded. And exactly 3 weeks later I was diagnosed. It’s just so crazy. It’s strange to try to explain that it’s been a year since “normal.” The whole year has been very surreal. I’m now transitioning into my new normal and realizing that it’s going to be okay. We had one of the Oncologists speak at the support group meeting today. I was a little hesitant to go at first because the topic was stated as “Reoccurrence.” And I didn’t know how I felt about that. Well, I’m glad I went because he just basically had an open forum to answer any questions. So it was good. One of the ladies in our little social group is stage 4 and didn’t have good news today. I’m glad I went to the meeting to see her. We have a group of 5 of us who usually do lunch on the weeks we don’t have support group.  I really enjoy our little group. We have all been at different stages so it’s good to get different perspectives and support each other.

So the business is officially a business with the state of Montana. Got that certification today. So that was pretty exciting. I have to get myself into some sort of rhythm with this whole thing.  I didn’t really work on it today because of support group and working out.  But tomorrow is a new day. I do have to call the staffing agency tomorrow….phone screen. I figured I can work part time or temp jobs while this business thing gets started. As much as I would love to sit around the house I think it would be best for me to start really getting out there. I would love to do something remotely. Still going to keep an eye out for that.

Right now I’m on this “I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING!” kind of mode!  I’m sure I’ll settle down after awhile

I’m on day 2 of the real work-out program. Up until now, I’ve been doing light cardio…walking, jogging, swimming. Yesterday I added actual weights. Slow, low weight, high reps. Yesterday was upper body and cardio.  Today was lower body and cardio. I’m sore and it feels wonderful! It’s the first time I’ve felt normal pain in a year. I have also realized that as long as I exercise I don’t really feel the side effects of the meds. Except for the hot flashes…but yeah, I’m kinda getting over those….so whatever.

I know it’s a super original header. But at this point, it’s good for me. I’ve been fighting a bit of a cold, lack of motivation and depression the last few weeks. Just really have no desire to do much other than sit and watch tv. My great accomplishment thus far has been to finally finish Breaking Bad. I lost countless hours of sleep and wasted way too many hours of my day but I got it done. See…I make things happen.

Actually I have been working on revamping the business. I setting on Erika’s Event Planning & Consulting. Again it doesn’t have that creative flair I was looking for. But it is simple and to the point. My board of directors  (i.e. Pete) says to keep it as simple as possible. I really wanted to continue with Merry we Meet, but with the addition of Memorial planning just didn’t seem appropriate. And I suppose that chapter needs to close considering all that is behind it. But damn. We spent so much time getting to that point. Oh well. one must move on. The last few weeks I’ve been working on branding and business plans. I want so badly to have all my ducks in a line before I put anything out, but of course, I didn’t. I think because it’s going to take a bit of time to round up some business it should work out just fine.  I’m waiting to hear back from the State on my name register. And then once I have that I can go get the business license. I think it’s just silly, but those are the rules. So hopefully next week I can do the license and background check. The business plan is pretty much done. I just have to do some final tweaks and it’s done. I’d just like to have it all in line when I go get this license….just in case they ask.

It’s been a lot of work but I had a lot of this already set up with Merry We Meet so it’s just a matter of changing a few things here and there.  But it’s been good to keep me occupied and get my mind rolling for some other projects I have thought of along the way. So I was a notary for Colorado for years (technically still am I suppose) But for Montana you can notarize for Wyoming and one of the Dakotas…I forget which one. I find that interesting.

I found some on line courses I’m taking. Figure why not. Just basic self improvement, business and brushing up on skills kind of things. The other thing I was toying with was learning another language. So I busted out the Duolingo app. I was going to start with the mother-tounges. I’ll do German first because it’s the easier of the lot for me. Then I’ll do Spanish, because well it makes sense. Let’s throw French in there.  But the real challenge is going to be Polish. Such a mess of a language. So I take the preliminary tests for these to see how I’ll do. German is obviously my strongest. I am shocked I remembered as much as I did. Spanish is 2nd. Polish is 3rd and French is 4th. Really? Well it’ll be fun. The real thing I want to do is learn Sign Language. I think that would be super fun to learn and may actually be helpful.

Well, I found out the pretty much the same symptoms from treatment are the same for menopause.  Yeah, that’s not helpful. So I don’t know if what I’m feeling is treatment related or menopausal related. I think I’m going to go with a little bit of both and hope that it all goes away soon. I mean it hasn’t been awful lately. In the beginning, it was bad and I was NOT a happy camper. Now I get the occasional hot flash, then get super cold (of course it has been sub-zero temperatures so that really may not be a factor).  I’ll get stiff when I sit too long. I have nausea and an over all feeling of blah. (this could be me fighting some cold too) But my arms and hands are always swollen (I also haven’t been eating a low sodium diet the last few weeks) So yeah, there’s no telling. So I’m going to just chalk it all up to the fact that I’m 47 and aging. I haven’t been going to the gym as much the past 2 weeks. Honestly, the reason is because it’s been too damn cold out and the roads are icy and I’m just not going out in that stuff to exercise. The truth hurts. I know I need to get over that.

Now we have our first support group meeting of the year tomorrow. The topic is “Reoccurrence.” Really? I have mixed feelings about going to this meeting. One one side, I don’t want to think about reoccurrence. I know it’s always a factor and outside of eating right and exercising and taking care of myself, I have no control over that. So why sit and worry over it. If it does happen what do you do….go back, see what treatments are available and go back into cancer mode. On the other hand, maybe there is some information or train of thought I don’t know about. Maybe it will be good information for me to keep in the back of my mind.  Most likely I will go because I enjoy seeing the group.

I was sitting here thinking today….1 year ago was my last day in Colorado before the move to finally be with my husband in Montana. It was a year ago that I had a wonderful dinner with my son and we spent the evening painting the master bedroom and doing the final packing up of the car and everything before I left in the morning. It was a year ago that I hugged him in the entryway before he left and we cried. It was a year ago that I was so excited yet so sad at the same time. It was a year ago I was going to leave my baby behind and move on to the next chapter of our life…one that for the first time in 25 years didn’t include my only child.

Friday will be my one year anniversary of arriving in Missoula. I was thinking Friday will be the day I can pick up where I left off like the last year never happened. Then I realized all the “1 year ago today” scenarios were also coming.  They all start on the 19th when I first went to the drs here and they started to scramble to get me all these drs appointments the same day. The 25th anniversary of me giving birth to my son. I remember thinking as I was sitting in the drs office and they were calling surgeons and other doctors how surreal the whole thing was.

I have to try to find a way to not let this year of 1st anniversaries consume me in a negative way. I need to find a way to look at it as a positive.  I have to look at it as I’m alive and well. I’ve made it through to the other side. Another year in the books. I should be celebrating. I find myself mourning. It was such an emotion packed rough year. This day imparticular was devastating to me emotionally. But I made it through. I have to keep reminding myself that.

I didn’t go to the gym today because I feel like I need to get myself together emotionally today. And I didn’t sleep much because I was up all night worrying about the pipes freezing.  I have a follow-up radiology appointment tomorrow. Then I don’t have another oncology appointment until Valentine’s day. I still feel like I’m in limbo. I now need to dig down and find the strength to push myself through this limbo stage.

I know this sounds stupid, but I changed my cell phone number to try to help me mentally move on and not live in the past. Who knows if that will work. I’m sure on some level that makes sense.

RANT! RANT! RANT! First. I know I say this a lot and

I know I say this a lot and I never quite follow through. I get sucked into the monster that is Facebook. The problem is I don’t want to unfriend anyone because I do like the people or at least find the people I’m friends with interesting and enjoy most of their commentary. I want to keep up with everyone to find out what is going on with them. I’m trying to limit the negativity in my life. Which considering everything going on in the world today is rather difficult at times. But I have noticed that some people tend to be a tad on the dramatic side and take everything to a whole level that I can’t quite deal with at this time. I get it that people are all up in arms about some topic or another. And I’m sure I am criticized at some point for not being vocal enough on the topics of the time. I have plenty to say about things that are going on. I just choose to not share those opinions on social media. Why? I mean it would be nice to express thoughts and then have a civil conversation with people on the topic. Agree or disagree. That would be fantastic. I could totally get into that. But it seems to me that so many people seem to be overly passionate to the point that they can’t call people by their actual names or group name; they have to throw an insult in there. What is the point of name calling? We get it, you don’t like or agree with that person or group. But what does that accomplish? Seems a bit on the childish side. And everyone is quick to point out how immature the other group is being when they are both doing it. So I choose to stay out of it. And venting to one another on Twitter or Facebook isn’t going to solve anything. I mean I don’t know. Maybe the government sits around and reads all the posts on FB tagged with certain words and then they go…”You know what? People aren’t happy. We should do something.” I’m thinking that happens as much as Jesus sits around seeing who has typed “Amen” to a meme.  So maybe all these people should actually do something…contact someone who can actually make something happen. And even if you do contact someone who can do something…you aren’t required to post it on Social Media so that you can make sure everyone knows that “You took a stand.” I mean if you want to post something to the effect of “Stand up and do something…contact XXX” Fantastic. Do that. But otherwise to me is like doing a good deed for someone anonymously then posting about it so everyone knows you did it. Why can’t people do things for themselves, not for “likes.”  Okay done with RANT! RANT! RANT!

Anyway, I’ve decided to try to limit the time I spend on Social Media for 2017. And by limit I mean check it like at the beginning or end of the day and that’s it. Honestly, if something major and life changing is happening in the world I have people that will text me about it. So Change 1.  Social Media time limited to 30 minutes at the beginning or end of the day. I think to help with this I’m going to take it off my phone and only check on my computer. This will make it easier for me to not be tempted.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. I think everything is starting to catch up with me. I NEED A PLAN! LOL! because I can’t seem to function without structure and goals. That is one thing I’ve learned about myself this year. Totally need a schedule or I just wander off into la la land and accomplish nothing for days. So my second change is to come up with a schedule for myself and stick to it. And there lies the problem. Sticking to something. Finding will power. Heck. Finding the will. Maybe I should do the opposite for a change not over think everything and just do shit. I have always created these goals and plans and when I don’t follow through with them I feel like I’ve failed. Hmmm. So I need to either follow through with them or not create them to begin with.

I need to find some classes or volunteer work to start out. Eventually, I’ll need to find an actual job. But until then I need to fill up that time and not sit around and just wait for things to happen. So I guess that’s my other thing. Not sitting around waiting for life to come at me, to go out and get life and make shit happen. (honestly that’s the goal, but at this precise moment getting out of bed or off the couch is a huge victory)  I’ll get there, I just feel like I need some time to process all this and mourn (for lack of a better word). I don’t know, maybe I don’t and I need to stop being a drama queen and buck up and get off my ass and move on. I’m trying not to make the last year a big deal. But the more I think about it, the more I think it was kind of a big deal. But I can’t dwell on it. I have to say “Yep, that sucked, what’s next.”

I am truly grateful for my husband who has been so supportive and I know he’s trying to push me to move on and not get stuck here. But it’s a tough position for him to be in. I mean he has to time what he says just right so I don’t fly off the handle into some drama-laden rant about lord knows what. He should really get a medal or something for all this. I wish he had more support this last year. I can’t imagine what it was like to be in his shoes dealing with all that he had to deal with. I think he has come out stronger through all this as well. But I have to wonder. If I’m going through this transition chaos, he must be going through some sort of chaos of his own….most likely created by yours truly.

Hmmmm. So much to ponder….and that seemed to go off topic a bit.

Monday was my 47th birthday. I am glad to have made it this far. Thoughts are all over the place. My step father was 47 when he died of pancreatic cancer. So I feel pretty lucky. I think I’ve been a little blue the last week. One would think that I would be the complete opposite, I mean I have everything to be happy about right now!

I did go on my first job interview Monday. If anything it was a good experience to see where I am as far as being able to answer questions quickly and coherently. I made the decision that it was not a good fit for me for completely unrelated reasons to my mental state of mind. Kind of a bummer because the job seemed like it would have been really fun. It’s nice to actually be in a position to really interview a company and be on the offensive vs. the defensive. But mentally I’m not quite there yet. I’m getting there. I still can’t think of all the words I want to use yet. And my thoughts aren’t up to the level I want them to be. So I continue to do word puzzles and logic games.

So my eyebrows are falling out again. It seems this is normal. Hair has a cycle. When you lose all your hair from chemo all the hairs are on the same cycle so fall out all at once vs at different times.  I hope it is limited to my eyebrows and eye lashes! If my hair falls out again I guess I need to invest in a really good wig.

I’ve been on the Aromasin for a month and a half now. Hot flashes continue, but aren’t too bad. They are tolerable. I’m still getting fatigued which is really annoying. But the biggest complaint I have is the pain in my legs, hips, arms, hands and feet. My hands are swelling a little bit. I also haven’t been working out because I’ve been too tired. But I also haven’t been eating as good as I need to or drinking enough water.

Wow isn’t this turning out to be a total bitch session.  It could be worse. I shouldn’t complain….its a small price to pay for my life.