How to save your heart

Aug23

I tend to have this habit of always looking at the good in all people. Even people who may not, on the surface, seem like good people…somewhere in there there is always some compassion and good. I was brought up this way by my grandmother. Even people who have done awful things in the past I have moved on to forgive them. For I don’t want to be bogged down with their negativity and unhappiness. Over the last year this has kind of th (2) been something I’ve worked on. Letting go. Not letting the actions or words of others affect you. People can only hurt you if you let them. With this I have been leading a very tranquil stress free life. Every day I am grateful and happy for those around me and for the things that surround me. I am not a religious person in the aspect that I pray to a specific God. I do not believe in organized religion, I find it unnecessary for me. I think for some people it is a wonderful thing that helps them. I am of a more spiritual type of person. I look within myself and nature to find my strength and understanding to get me through and find answers. This works for me. I spent my entire child hood going to a Catholic Church, I was baptized Episcopal. In the military I attended the Episcopal church to get back to my roots. So I have tried this and it is not something that works for me.

So being the very content happy and accepting of life as I know it, I thought I would reach out to someone that there was once a rough patch with. I quickly found that not everyone is as forgiving and accepting as I am. I have to say I have never met someone with so much sadness and anger in their hearts over something that happened so many years ago. At first I was very upset. I lashed out at those around me that did not deserve it. The entire situation threw me off balance…I had lost my tranquil being. After talking to my rock in life, he explained to me that some people are just unhappy. They have not found a way to let go and enjoy life. For some people everything has to be a competition, everything has to be an argument. That is not normal and it’s very dysfunctional.

I think I get so easily sucked back into this because for the most part I was brought up that everything was a fight. There always had to be a winner. Someone was always right and someone was always wrong. There was always a struggle of power within the family. It took me a very long time to realize that this was so damaging and so not the way it should be. The last 20 years I learned that husbands and wives should work together not compete against one another. That if there is a disagreement to discuss and come to a mutual resolution that both parties can accept. I have tried to raise my own son this way and I surly hope he understands

Yesterday my past who has not learned this got the better of me. It bothered me a lot last night. I upset some of the most treasured people in my life over it. I will take this as a learning experience that I have to be stronger with some people and can’t assume just because I have changed to see they have changed to see. I can not be angry but I will be more cautious moving forward.

WEDDINGS!!!!!!!

Aug4

My son does have a little bit of romance in his bones. Recently he and his girlfriend went to Europe on vacation. First my son has been wanting to go to Germany forever. And to see the Neuschwanstein Castle was like the ultimate. They went to visit a friend in Amsterdam, then went to Berlin, Munich, and Hamburg. (Oh and the flew in and out of Stockholm). I haven’t seen all the pictures yet, but they are working on them! In their defense they have only been back from vacation for like 2 days.

And let me say how proud I am of myself for keeping this a secret as long as I did! I mean from the time he told me he was going to propose…to buying the ring…I said nothing! See…I can keep a secret! (MONTHS!!!!!!)

So they rode bikes up to the castle and he proposed to her there…right at Neuschwanstein Castle. How freakin romantic is that! I don’t know all the details yet. I’m just so stinking excited about the whole thing. I mean ever since he was little I would drill things into his head. And when it came to it, he actually listened to me. I think that’s what gets me more than anything with this. A little more validation that he did listen to all my talking over the years. I’m so glad he has done everything right up to this point. Makes a mother proud.

The only thing I ever wanted for my son was for him to be able to be a productive member of society and to respect people…especially the person he was going to choose to spend the rest of his life with. It makes me happy that he respects her. It makes all the horrible things that happened in the past not so horrible. Maybe he had to go through all that to become the man he is today. He is strong, caring, sensitive and will make a good husband. He better or I’ll clock him!

So now to pass the torch on to his soon to be wife. I can still worry about him and miss him…and I will. But knowing that he has someone who loves him and will take care of him and respect him makes it a little easier for me. I want nothing but love and happiness for them both. I think they are really good together. They seem to bring out the best in eachother. And I’m very happy to be gaining a daughter.

No news is good news

May10

I haven’t written in a while. Nothing really to report. The treatment is going okay. Because my white blood count was good they didn’t give me the Neulasta shot this last time. So we’ll see how that works. The only real side effect besides being tired all the time and the needles and pins from my knees down. I’ve been doing pretty good with the nausea for the most part as long as I keep on top of my meds. I’ve been overly emotional the last few weeks. You would think that with the whole anti-hormone thing I would be emotionless or something. HA! They did put me on an anti depressant (lots of anti stuff going on). The only thing I can think of is so it’s set up and ready to go for the impending surgery. I have a feeling that’s going to be kinda hard. All I know about that so far is I have 2 more chemo treatments then we are going to take some pictures to see what is going on. Then if everything looks good we will talk more about the surgery. I’ve been thinking about it. Hard to say how I really am going to react. I could be totally fine with it or I’ll totally lose it. It’ll be interesting that’s for sure.

Still don’t have a full kitchen. I have cabinets. I have counter tops. I have a dishwasher and a sink. Waiting on the oven and the refrigerator still. This should happen on Thursday of this week. Then we just have to wait for all the trim for the cabinets and it will be done.

Spent part of mothers day in the ER. Pete was fixing part of the house (oh we are getting gutters on Thursday!) and he was cutting a piece of wood that flung off the table saw into his gut. He didn’t think much of it at first and then it started to swell up. So to be safe we went to the ER. They did an ultrasound just to make sure there was no damage. He’s good. Bruised up a bit but he’s fine.

Fit to Fight

Mar29

Last night I went to my first Fit to Fight class. It meets 2 days a week and is for cancer patients and survivors. Met a wonderful group of people. There are about 15 of us. All different types and stages of cancer. I came out feeling pretty lucky. I mean don’t get me wrong all cancer sucks. But I could have it so much worse than I do. So for that I am truly grateful.

Everyone seems very nice. There are two gentlemen in the group (brothers) and of course where are they from? Philly! They left like 46 years ago, but still have the accent. It was nice to talk to someone who sounds like “home.” So it’s the little things. But there is also a mother/daughter in the group as well. Seems most people have some family history. So for that my diagnosis is a bit odd. But nothing to do about that at this point.

The first session we did a getting to know you ordeal. Took a tour of the facility and just kinda got our feet wet. Every session we will focus on a new type of exercise for 20 minutes. Then do 20 minutes of strength on the machines and the last 20 minutes of some sort of cardio. I think it’s going to be a really good thing. It’s very interesting to hear the journey of some of the others in the group and what they have gone through and are going though.

On the health side of the world, I’m doing okay. I really try to pace myself. The chemo is starting to really ware on me. Where as I had all kinds of energy a week after treatment, now I am just kind of wore out a lot with bursts of normalcy. Still trying to keep everything from ruling me. Which is getting a bet easier for the most part. I just hate not being able to go full force like I’m used to. So it takes me a bit longer to get things done around the house and in general. On the up side I only have one more treatment of the A/C and then I go to a “normal” chemo. I’m hoping that won’t take as much out of me. So we’ll see.

We moved into the house. I don’t have a kitchen yet, but the bedroom is pretty much set up and I have the kitchen table up against the wall as a work space. We do have the grill and the camping stove set up in the garage along with the old refrigerator. So it’s kinda like camping….It’s going to make me appreciate my new kitchen all the more once it’s in in the next few weeks. If all goes well I should have a kitchen by the end of April. (hopefully sooner). But in the meantime, I pick a box and unpack as much as I can. We still have to finish painting. So we just do a little bit at a time. Luckily we have no deadline or time frame to have every thing complete. Although I would like to have everything done in the house by the time I have surgery. That would be ideal.

It is nice to have a little more space. And at this time I have at least one of my desks up in my craft room so I can actually sit at a desk and do weird things like pay bills. Oh and taxes…there’s a story for you….yay identity theft! But I’ll save that one for another day. I do have to try to get those done this weekend. At least I know all our stuff is in one place now!!

Yesterday and today we are getting the radon mitigation system put in. It will be finished today. So now the house is radon free. Which is a good thing because Lord knows I don’t want to end up with Lung cancer after all this! Basically they run a pipe from under your foundation and have it go out the roof. There is a fan that pulls the radon gas out so it’s not seeping into the living space any more. Being in the mountains it’s kind of a thing. But it is a thing no longer for us! Whoo hoo!

Last thing I want to say today is how grateful I am for all my family and friends. I mean everyone has been so wonderfully supportive of both me and Pete through this so far. And I just wanted to shout out to everyone and let you know how much you are appreciated! Every bit of positive vibrations count!

Things are moving along!!!!

Mar10

Pete pulled out all the carpet and cabinets in the house the last few days. It looks so empty! The hard wood guy came out and started sanding existing hardwood yesterday. He’s bringing in the remainder hardwood to match the rest of the area today and will start instillation tomorrow. The carpet guy came and remeasured yesterday. I went and paid the deposit down on the carpet material so that will be getting underway in about 10 days. And the mitigation guy is scheduled for the end of the month (radon mitigation system). AND the septic tank is being pumped and all cleaned and serviced tomorrow. Looks like everything is on schedule so we can officially move in by the end of this month.

I love it when things are happening!

We probably won’t need to get Cleo a friend since there are 3 dogs that live down the road that like to come visit. They play together, so I think that will be a good balance for her (and us).

More updates to come!!!!!

Busy Busy Busy

Dec21

I have been in the throws of packing and purging. I rented one of those dumpster bins. I got rid of like everything. Beds, shelves, wood, trash, desks, lights, chairs….gone! I have to say the actual throwing away of things was very therapeutic. But the destruction of some of these things was beyond therapeutic. I’m sure there is a term, but it was amazing! Something about smashing the hell out of things with a hammer and then getting to throw it away. It was an amazing experience. See…channeling my stress….

The movers are scheduled, the truck is scheduled, the disassembling of the pool table is scheduled. I’m spending the next week packing the remainder of the stuff in the house. I only have like 17 days so I have to go to like minimum. I have to stop being afraid to just pack it up! No one else is going to do it so… All the packing materials came today. So no excuses at all. Tomorrow I start in the loft and I’m just going to work my way around. Then I have to organize the garage! So I am going to be crazy busy.

Birthday was kind of a success. Even though Pete was not here….he still sent me a birthday present. (the computer was supposed to be the birthmas present but…) The kids came over and totally surprised me with the necklace I wanted. I honestly didn’t think he would really get it. So I was kind of in shock! We did Christmas too. That was fun. Then we ate a lot of snack food, tiramisu, cannolis, almond amaretto cake, and tiramisu gelato. It was pretty amazing.

Broke down and finally gave up my Galaxy today. It was driving me crazy. I am going to give this Windows Lumina 950 a shot. See how that works out. It’s very different than what I’m used to. But I’m going to give it a shot. I don’t want to get another Galaxy because it has its own issues. I refuse to have another iPhone. So I’m running out of options. Pete hates his LG, but Erik loves his Nokia. I’m totally going to live on the edge! (no pun intended) The one thing I do wish is that it had the same apps as the desktop version. But there was a time Andriod didn’t have as many as Apple. So who knows. It could be a major contender in a few years! I just can’t do Galaxy for the same reason I won’t do iPhone. They are out of control. Galaxy is the iPhone of the android world in my mind. They are too commercialized. I’ve never been one to go along with the crowd! Galaxy wasn’t real popular when I switched from the iPhone…now look what happened! So maybe I can make the Windows phone the next big thing!

I’m still playing with it. Some things I really like. Some things I think I just have to get used to. I mean I’ve had an Andriod for quite a few years, and I really just wanted a whole new feel and experience. Well, I’m getting that! But I’m finding it amazing how hard it is to cross over from Google to Windows. There are some things that work…but others that don’t. So we’ll see if they give in and give access to some google apps (Hangouts, Chrome….why Windows 10 hates Chrome so much…) Well…I’ll give this a couple years and see how it goes. I do have to say, the actual phone works a lot better! I talked to Pete and with my Galaxy he was all garbled and I couldn’t never really hear him…very frustrating. But with the Windows phone….didn’t have that problem. So that was nice. And the camera is kind of cool. Definitely pros and cons.

I got nuthin

Dec9

Not much going on at this point. I don’t really have anything to rant about outside the usual incompetence and ignorance of the human race. So nothing new on this front. All I will say on that topic is 1. you are not the only one in the world…you actually share this planet with others. 2. Read. Do research. Don’t take the word of a meme or overly zealous friend ranting on their opinion. 3. Think before you talk. And before you open your mouth think if someone was saying that to you. How would you take your own words?

I think I’m done with all the holiday shopping. Ten more days until we do our little celebration. I have that to get excited about. I sent out a package to Pete today. (I just had a total deja vu moment!) I’m still trying to decide if I’m going to decorate. I am still totally up in the air about it. I’ll have to see how I feel about it this weekend. I think it’s going to come down to the fate of the universe in the next few days.

It was 69 degrees today. Which is really weird for this time of year. But I’m not going to complain about it. I got the leaves all raked up today. That was fun. A big yard is great until you have to rake that shit. So I don’t know if I would want to rake a yard any bigger than we have. I have a love-hate relationship with yard work at this juncture of my life. Maybe if I was in better shape I would feel different about it. I keep trying to look at it as the Rocky Balboa school of getting in shape.

I was supposed to go back to my cutting out the grains/wheat/dairy this week. I’ve been so stressed over the state of the house that I did good for a day, but that was about it. So I am going to try it again this weekend. Tomorrow I’m going to try not to be too stupid. I really wanted ice cream (frozen yogurt) but quickly remembered every time I eat any type of frozen desert it never ends well. So I opted for a cup of tea. I have to get back into the state of mind of when I feel like I deserve a treat to just drink a glass of water or a cup of tea.

Let’s hope we get some good news tomorrow and I can move forward with everything!

PACK-RAT

Dec4

I really never thought I had a problem. I mean I save things because I like to keep what people give me. I save things because you never know if you may need it again someday. And I save things because when you come across it every so often it’s like getting presents!

I’m in the process of packing the house up. And of course, you have to go through everything. On the up side, I found my DD214 I thought I lost…and my VA loan certificate. So it was kind of an eventful evening! Wow. Some of the things I keep. I really need to go through and file everything at least. I suppose I could do that now since I really have nothing else to do. But most likely I will wait. It will be part of my setting up and organizing the new house when that time comes. We must not rush into these things!

I’m sure there are a whole lot of things I could still get rid of. But the fact that I am actually throwing stuff out is a good thing. It’s a big deal for me to get rid of things. So I’m totally going to do this in stages. I think it’s the best solution for me at this time.

I’m in the process of tackling the loft i.e. the reading room. I went through the closet and next are books. I have hundreds of books. So my plan is to keep the ones I absolutely can’t part with. Then take the rest over to the library or maybe the bookstore in town. I just need to know that they will go somewhere that people will appreciate them.

Once the loft is cleared out I can move to what used to be my craft room. that isn’t going to take much time since I pretty much already went through this room once. It’s just a matter of putting things that are left in boxes. (Have no idea how I’m going to transport mom…that’s a whole different story…poor mom)

but I’m just going to go through one room at a time. Trying to keep myself occupied at this point. I’m sort of a wreck. Inspection is on Monday and although I know everything will be fine, I have to be the forever pessimist just in case something goes wrong and I’m not disappointed. I really have to stop doing that…positive feeds positive…. Anyhoo. After next week hopefully I’ll be a little more relaxed about most things. Because then there is a whole different phase of stress to deal with. I have been trying to compartmentalize the entire situation. Working very hard on just worrying about one thing at a time. I think if I were to try to handle everything at once I would drive myself crazy. So now that I’m over the stressing over the showings and why no one has made an offer yet….I’m onto OMG I hope these people don’t back out and everything goes smooth regarding all the inspections and loan processes and titles. After that is done I can worry about packing everything and the logistics of the actual move. And then the whole once I get to Montana deal….I can’t go there yet.

Needless to say, I have moved from wine to Rum and/or vodka.

IT’S ALL A MESS!!!!!!!!!!

Freedom of Speech

Nov30

I have finally decided to give up posting anything on FaceBook. It’s not worth it anymore. I usually post things that I think are funny. The things I post don’t always reflect my actual opinion. Some things I post on purpose to play devils advocate. I like to see if I can’t get people thinking. Well, anymore everyone just takes everything so serious and gets offended. So it’s just pretty useless to make light of something, be sarcastic, joke, like something, comment on something or share your opinion on anything. I feel it’s only going to get worse as time goes on. download

I just find it very interesting that people think that by posting something they are going to change everyone’s mind. Instead of having a civil conversation on issues that are not agreed upon, everyone results to name calling and putting people down. There is no respect for opinion. The last I heard this was a free country and part of living in a free country is to have your own individual opinions. You don’t have to like everyone’s opinion, but I think you should respect it.

The biggest issue I see is if people don’t agree with me, they will go on to tell me how stupid and uninformed or uneducated I am. They will tell me that my opinion is wrong. I don’t understand how someone can be wrong for their beliefs. That’s kind of why people left Europe and came to the new world….at least that’s what I thought. But it seems everyone has forgotten this.

Now….you have a group of people that do not want to understand what is going on. They take short cuts in their “research” of what is going on in the world. They take meme’s as truth. They think that just because someone posted something that is worded in a factual context that it is in fact …well….fact. You have people who bitch and moan about how wrong everything is and how corrupt government is, yet they will not vote. They think that voting for a specific person for President is what is going to change the world we live in vs. their local government including their Representatives, Senators, and judges. This is where the real change takes place.

I guess my point here is that whether or not you think someone’s opinion is right or wrong, it’s still their opinion and they are entitled to it. if people want to base their opinions off of made up stuff…that is their right as well. But I just hope when people are forming these opinions they are looking at all sides of the situation and listening to everyone so that it is a true opinion.

Thanksgiving and Fa la la la la

Nov25

So my holiday rant.

RANT! RANT! RANT!

This will be the first time I have ever spent the actual Thanksgiving holiday alone. It has always been MY HOLIDAY! I mean for years I always make a big spread. It’s kind of the joke because I cook way too much food all the time. But it’s something that I really enjoy doing. Except for this year. This year I will be sitting here playing some stupid video game watching TV. And probably crying. (I do that a lot lately). But….it’s all part of this whole journey bullshit thing I have to go through I’m sure. I mean Pete will be here tomorrow night and we are doing Thanksgiving on Friday vs. Thursday. So it’s not like it’s a huge deal really.

But the one thing I will not do regardless of the fact that I’ll be sitting home by myself is going to a flippin store. I mean if ever there was a time for me to hit stores for Black Friday on Thanksgiving it would totally be this year. I mean I have absolutely NOTHING to do until 9:00 pm when I have to head to the airport. But then I sit and think about it. One year Erik and I went out because I had never experienced Black Friday. And after that experience. I will never ever do it again. I really dislike people anyway. And when you have a bunch of ungrateful assholes grabbing and fighting over something they think is a huge deal (and it’s not because they have jacked the price up and then cut it so it’s really like what it should be anyway). So I will be completely content keeping warm in my nice cozy room by myself vs. that bit of craziness. I mean I just don’t understand the importance of having to get so much STUFF! I have been images (7) packing and going through all my shit and geeze…why? There is no reason to have things. To give presents just to give shit….whether you really want it or need it. And how long are you really going to use it? I mean of course there are some things that I have gotten that I use CONSTANTLY! But I have so much stuff that I forgot I had. Which is why my mom and I used to do the regifting thing. Everyone thinks I’m crazy, but every year there are a set of presents specifically for this. It’s stuff that has been given before. The stuff that only gets played with or looked at for a day or two and then stuffed somewhere to be forgotten. It took everyone 4 years to figure out that I had been giving them the same thing every single year. Which is exactly my point. But it comes down to everyone basically gets like one real gift. The rest of it is necessities…socks, underwear, shirts. Two years ago I didn’t get Erik socks and he about had a cow. These are the things they look forward. They roll their eyes at them…but they are the most appreciated.

I think it’s hysterical that all these people preach about their religion and what the holidays mean, yet these are the same people that are out fighting with people over saving a few bucks for some unnecessary item they have to have more so out of principle than necessity. Which is in part why I think the whole holiday season is crap. Now don’t get me wrong. I absolutely love to decorate. I love all the festivities. (one wouldn’t think I would but…it’s kind of my time of year.) I love the social aspect of the family together and spending time together. Playing games and just being silly. That’s what I love about the holidays. I do enjoy watching people open gifts. But if you know me my gifts are all either hand made or silly. I believe that gift giving should either be from the heart and/or fun. And if you can do both with one shot…all the better.

But let me just state my opinion about these parents that are buying their toddlers and young children iPads and $200 headphones. Really people? I mean REALLY!? Why is it necessary for a 6-year-old to have an iPad? What the fuck are they doing? And Beats headphones? I mean come on. They are 6! Mozart seemed to do just fine and I highly doubt your little protege is the next Mozart. You know why kids are ungrateful entitled ass holes? Because you are buying them every fucking thing they want. Oh! I know…they have worked so hard and saved up their own money…bullshit. If that were the case you would make them use that money to buy whatever they wanted. And I don’t get it. When I was 6 and had money my ass wanted candy! I know…but you got them on sale so you didn’t pay full price. You know what? Why is it so important for you to make sure your kids can compete with other kids in this realm? It’s like back in the 70’s-80’s I wanted a pair of Jordache jeans. My mother said absolutely not! You don’t need to spend that much money to have someone’s name on your ass. So my ass had no name on it and you know what….I survived.

So as we go into this holiday season. Seriously think about how much of a freakin hypocrite you are being as you are out purchasing some bullshit item someone or you want out of greed…