Tag Archive | cancer
Battle And The Amazon Warrior
If you do not want to see what a double mastectomy scar looks like stop now!
People do not like to see the reality of breast cancer. Everyone sees happy pictures on Facebook and how everything is going right in the world. While that happy face is on, what lies beneath is sadness and anxiety and very mixed emotions about one’s sexuality and overall appearance. What lies beneath is the secret that keeps some cancer patients from feeling feminine or desirable. People automatically think you will just get reconstruction and the world will be better. You will have those perfect perky breasts before you know it and no one will be the wiser. But for some of us we can not have 
reconstructive surgery for months or years after our procedures. We can not wear prosthesis right away. We have to live with and face the raw reality every single day. And to much of people’s surprise there are even some women who choose to never have the reconstructive surgery. For myself I can not tell if I will feel differently in the future, but for what I went through with this surgery, I feel no real need right now to go under and have surgery to help boost my ego and make people around me more comfortable. I am getting to the point where I am starting to feel comfortable in my own skin, battle wounds and all. This is how I feel today. There is no telling my feelings a year or two from now. But I have learned to accept myself as I am right now and not worry too much of the future and what others may say or feel.
With that I’m posting a picture of the battle wounds. If you do not wish to see them then don’t look. I am not embarrassed by them. I am empowered by them. The Greek Mythology of Amazons states that they were a tribe of female warriors that mostly fought with a bow and arrow. When girls became of age to fight, they would remove their right breast to not impede their archery skill. (Yes I will be taking up archery as soon as I’m healed) So the Real Wonder Woman only had one breast!
I don’t look at this as a weakness…I look at it as a strength all 24 scars large and small I have accumulated from this. NOW I am proud to call my self a warrior!!
- The Chest of a Warrior
Patience
Evidently this part of this awesome little journey is patience. Because the whole selling of the house by myself for 3 months wasn’t quite enough. Okay, so patience on a different level. Or maybe the Universe though I forgot and I’m getting a refresher. OR the Universe is letting me know that I’m not in control of this. Fine whatever. The whole reason I went in today was because the Dr. wasn’t going to be here this week. I specifically asked if there was little to no fluid could the other Dr. make the call. I was told yes. This is the ONLY reason we scheduled with another dr (the one who put in my port). We wanted to keep everything on schedule. So I go in, she didn’t want to drain anything because there wasn’t enough to drain. SHE would have had me start PT like 3 weeks ago. BUT we have to wait for my Dr. to come back which won’t be until the 30th. She did try to drain out of one side and got some fluid. But the side where the tumor was she couldn’t get anything. And again I almost passed out because yes I may not have any feeling on the surface of my skin but you go far enough in and it hurts like a bitch. Seriously. So I have to sit and wait until the 30th to see if I can finally start PT. Whatever. I ask if there are any exercises I can do that don’t affect the area we are being concerned about. I get told no. I only ask because I’m having a lot of back problems now because of all this. The nurse then goes. “Did you see a chiropractor?” I just deadpan looked at her face and said “Really?” “I can’t do any type of exercises with my upper body, can’t lay on my side and stomach and you somehow think getting adjusted by a chiropractor isn’t going to upset the balance of the universe.” I was like whatever. The other nurse said we will keep this appointment but if something comes open where they can squeeze me in before then we will. At least he is trying. Bitch is lucky she wasn’t sitting closer to me I would have kicked her. We leave and I’m all upset. I threw my appt sheet away. I’m so over it.
I totally had my hissy fit for about 30 minutes. I’m pretty much over it now. I mean okay, it is what it is. We are being careful and don’t want to create any problems down the road. I get that. Eventually I’ll start PT and it won’t take long for me to get my range of motion back so I can start Radiation. The whole thing is I want to get radiation in before it starts to snow since I have to drive in every single day. That’s the real reason I’m pushing to get this done. I feel like I have a time limit. I don’t. The fact is I’m just kind of over this whole situation and would like to move on…that’s even more why I want this to start now. I will go down the way it goes down. I’ll go though treatments when it’s time for me to do so. It will end when it’s supposed to. I just need to relax, chill out and accept that it is the way it is. “you don’t have to like the rules, but you have to accept them” FINE!
So I’m lining up the books I can read over the next week or two. That should keep me distracted. What’s another couple weeks. Let’s hope my body can start absorbing some fluid!!
A little Closer
I wouldn’t call my trip to the surgeon’s office today a complete setback or failure. The one side had maybe 2cc (16cc the previous week) and the other side (the important side) was down to 13cc (20cc the previous week). While it was not exactly what I was hoping for (0’s) it’s way better than it was. A reduction in fluid is way better than the same or more! I will stay down again this week and try not to do anything stupid. This will be quite the challenge as I have yet to go 2 whole weeks with out stupidity. I mean I barely got by 1 week! But I can do this! Me, the couch and the Olympics. Should keep me out of trouble! I think I’m going to read a book next week. That will keep me down and not all over the place for sure.
Being down all these weeks is starting to take it’s toll on me. I really need to find something constructive to do while I sit here not moving my arms. Why can’t I move my arms you ask? Well. The open pocket that is collecting fluid needs to bind so there is no more pocket. The only way for that to bind is for me to not move it around. Obviously this pocket is on my chest under my armpit. So I have to figure some projects to do. Watching TV for this many hours a day really doesn’t work for me. I mean there are days I don’t turn the TV on at all. We’ll besides the book I’ll have to think of something else. Wonder what language I can try to learn…Not a whole lot of diversity up here in Montana to test it out…Then there’s that genealogy thing. And I can start on some projects for the Holiday season. I mean that’s going to be here before you know it!
One thing I have to do is stay off Facebook more. My lord people. Everyone is in hypersensitive mode about air. Politics, we get it your candidate is better than someone else’s candidate…and this is why…One side tearing the other apart while the other side defends blindly. Well have at that one. Then of course if things don’t get reported quick enough everyone is all up in arms that one side or the other is the reason…they are rebelling or getting back at some group for some reason. Then there is the media who seem to have the distinct job of just stirring the pot and creating nothing but drama. Doesn’t matter if it’s reported correctly…people will believe and react! RANT! RANT! RANT! Nothing can be said without someone looking for a reason to place blame to someone. I don’t have time for that shit. Are some of these issues important to me? Of course they are. But I’m going to see what I can do about it vs. bitching and moaning and pointing fingers. EVERYONE SUCKS!!
Ho Hum…
I totally forgot to update on the last Friday’s aspiration appointment. I was supposed to go to the Radiology Oncologist first so we could get everything set up so I could start radiation. Well because I can’t raise my arms over my head yet, it put that appointment on hold for a bit. So they decided they were going to send me to PT and then reschedule the RO (Radiology Oncology) appt for 2 weeks. Well the RO Dr called up to the Surgeon (I was supposed to see him that afternoon) and they talked. Next thing you know I’m in the Surgeons office and he aspirated again 20cc/15cc. No go on moving forward. I go down to RO to cancel my appointment. Now I’m on hold until the aspiration numbers are at 0cc’s then I can start PT and move forward. So while I wait until Friday to see how much longer it will be to move forward with the world….Let me amuse you with some photographs. I’ve been spending the last few days experimenting with what affects seromas. I have been trying everything from compression/no compression/sitting/laying down/foods. Well it’s been interesting. And we’ll see on Friday if anything has had an impact. But the food thing…. After all these months I’m finally to the stage where I can start focusing on my diet. Through chemo there were certain things that my body just didn’t like. I stuck to the very bland foods that I knew wouldn’t make me sick. Since surgery I’ve been venturing out a bit to see if I can eat certain things again. What I have found is my taste buds have changed. There are also certain foods I used to be able to eat that I can’t eat so much now. I don’t know if this is temporary but it has pushed me to go for the alkaline way of life. We will see how this pans out. Breads, potatoes, starches make things swell and make me very uncomfortable. Certain spices upset my stomach. And of course now we are back to the no dairy because just like before my body does not care for it very much. I have to say that was the one thing about chemo I enjoyed….I could eat ice cream with no side effects. I think it was a good trade off!
This alkaline way of eating isn’t really far off from what I’ve been doing. Just basically need to cut out some of these starches and cut down on the meat and add more vegetables. I had already given up anything from a box and cans are a no-no! Since this whole cancer thing started I’ll tell ya, grocery shopping takes less time. I shop the perimeter of the store and then of course the paper/cleaning isle. So that goes super fast. And we are actually saving money!
Starting to get used to the new body. I really think I’m going to be okay with it. I mean once I’m cleared to start exercising its’ going to be so much easier! I’ll do the prosthetics for going out and when I want to. But I can just take them off when I get home! That will be awesome. The other thing I’m still looking into is the chest tattoo to cover my 18 inch scar. Right now I’m going for some sort of vine/flower/butterfly or hummingbird ordeal. That could change but I’m still looking at stuff. (I have some time….)
The Minion Shirt at the beginning of Chemo
The Minion Shirt after surgery. At least it’s easier to read….
Hair growth 2 months after last Chemo treatment
Impatience Sets in
I really hate seromas! There was less build up on the left sie (25cc) and just a little more on the right (16 cc). So I so I go back on Friday and get drained again. Depending how much fluid build up is there they may put the tubes back in. And they would remain until there is no fluid at all. Can’t start PT until there is no more fluid. The thing with this is there is nothing I can do. So I sit here trying not to do anything too stupid and move suddenly so I don’t pull something or irritate it more. Wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have all the tightness and pain. And at times it’s totally crazy to be hot and cold at the same time. I mean how the heck does that even happen! (rhetorical question…I’m too familiar with why it happens)
I also go in Friday to meet with the Radiology oncologist so we can go over what’s going to happen. There are a few people left in the hospital who haven’t seen my chest yet so why not. I just can’t wait to be able to start exercising and moving on. I know in the overall scheme of things it hasn’t been that long. I mean to get to this point after 6 months is actually pretty good.
Tigger!!!!
I go into the Surgeon to get drained again today. Hoping there isn’t as much fluid build up so I can start physical therapy and radiation and get this show on the road!. It’s been a little over a month since surgery. This by far I think has been the hardest part for me. Chemo was physical with some emotion but surgery has been devastating emotional and extreme physical. Before surgery I really didn’t think I would have that much of an issue with losing both breasts. I mean to an extent I still don’t at times but it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be. I took sponge baths for the first 3 weeks so I didn’t have to really face 18 inches of scars across my chest and 20 minor scars around my ribs. I think taking a shower for the first time after all this was one of the most e
emotional and vulnerable situations I’ve ever had to face. It gets easier and easier with each day but I’m still pretty devastated. Hard to say if this is something that I will get used to and embrace over time. Pete and I have talked about getting a nice big tattoo across my chest. I’m seriously considering it.
Hair is starting to come in. It’s to the point I actually feel like the wig has too much hair. I forgot how much I used to wear my hair up out of the way…especially in the summer. But honestly these days my hair has now become the least of my concerns.
So obviously everywhere around the scars are still numb. My upper arms still feel like they are being bound and I have no range of motion to do anything. The pain is more tolerable now than what it was originally, but it is still there and can get pretty annoying at times. I still have some neuropathy in my hands and feet (side effect from chemo) as well as some swelling. The neuropathy has gotten a little worse since surgery, but that could be from some of the swelling. At this point what’s going to be will be and I have to learn to deal with however this all turns out.
The word for today is: Seroma
Had a lovely day at the hospital yesterday. Met with my Medical Oncologist to see how things are and what’s next on the agenda. We made an appointment with my Radiology Oncologist to see how that is going to play out and how long that treatment will be. Then I went over to my Surgeon and he drained a bunch of fluid out of me. Which means no physical therapy yet. I have to lay low for another week to make sure the fluid has gone down. I meet with him again next week to see where we are with that. If the fluid doesn’t slow down and stop he’s threatening to put the tubes back in. I told him this was not an option….I’m not doing the tubes again!!! So if the world goes right, they will drain out minimal fluid next week and then sign me up for Physical Therapy so I can get my range of motion back. Then I can start Radiation and do that for a few weeks. Then once radiation is complete do the immunotherapy. Then we can see where I am with all this. Still a lot of things to go through but should be pretty much on the down slope of this craziness.
So I’m going to try really hard to be good this week and not do anything crazy like clean and laundry and anything else that uses my upper chest muscles and upper arms. I did get told I can walk around, but I can’t go swinging my arms around like crazy. Fine. I think this part is driving me the most crazy. It’s like you finally feel good physically for the most part and you just want to get up and do everything like normal. (isn’t that cute that I think of the word normal?)
Fine. I will continue to chill out and do this healing thing for another week. But after that…it’s on. Seriously though, the hardest part is trying to get comfortable at night without using your arms to move your body. The recliner and my back are no getting along anymore so I’ve moved into the guest room with a fortress of pillows (and the dog). I’m fine once I get all set up, but until then it’s about hell. Cleo has been very good about just sleeping next to me to keep an eye on me. Okay really she just likes to be able to sleep on the bed with me.
Also went to support group yesterday. I hadn’t been the last few times because of surgery, so it was nice to see everyone and catch up a bit. I wasn’t going to go because I had a drs appt at the same time, but did make the last 10 minutes of the session and then we all sat around and talked for like 45 minutes. They are a pretty good group.
The hair is growing back finally. On my head I can actually get enough to pull it a bit. Eyebrows are slowly coming back as well as eyelashes and hair on my arms! And I think I may actually have to shave my legs soon! I’m not sure I’m too excited about that one…it was really nice not shaving my legs! Everything is at fuzzy birds nest stage. Shouldn’t be long before I’m rockin the pixie look.
I’m starting to kind of get used to my scars. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Right now putting on certain shirts is a little hard. Trying to keep everything baggy at this point. If it was cooler I could at least wear a scarf but not yet. By hard I mean not just hard to get into something that slips over the head but emotionally to see. I mean you go all this time with breasts and then you don’t have them. Not that I particularly liked them anyway, but it’s just the principle of the whole thing I guess. I do think I’m going to be okay eventually just being able to take them off at the end of the day. And it is going to make exercising so much easier.
I haven’t gotten the official pathology report back (which I so should have seen this by now!) but I guessing it was about 5 lbs in breast/tumor tissue. If I had to guess. But I’m down 12 lbs in all since surgery. Once I’m cleared to exercise I have a whole new plan. The body looks much different without the breasts in the way….so totally different perspective.
No more drain Tubes!
Today I got my drain tubes removed. I have been stressing over this for some time. I talked to many people, read many reports, asked lots of questions. I was prepared for it. So they remove the stitches, tell me to take a deep breath and when I breathe out they pull 12 inches of tube out of me. The first side was a bit of a shock and was pretty uncomfortable. Tinge of pain. The other side….they pulled, my blood pressure dropped and I went white. It hurt like a bitch and was the most awful feeling ever. So out of all the things I’ve been though, drain tubes about take me out. Drain tubes suck ass! May I never have to deal with that again.
Overall the incision is healing nicely. Everything is very sore, bruised and just awful looking. I have a lot of constriction in my upper arms and not a whole lot of feeling between my shoulders and ribs. I go back next week. If there is no fluid build up then I start physical therapy the following week. I can then start working on my range of motion and getting back to the new normal. I’m hoping I can avoid the drama of lymphedema. All I can do is keep my fingers crossed and not do anything too stupid. I think that’s my next big hurdle. But for the most part I should be on the downslope of the hill.
So for now I”m going to just chill out for another week and heal some more. I’m one more step closer to being done with all this. There are quite a lot of steps! Next week I also go in to see my medical oncologist and do some blood work and see what the next step is on that end (more anti-hormone therapy and immunotherapy maybe) Also will see when I’ll probably start radiation. I’ll also see when I get fitted for my prosthesis. That will pretty exciting.
1 week since surgery
I have to say this has been the worst surgery I’ve ever had. Took off the dressings yesterday and I was not really prepared for that. I researched and looked at pictures and the whole nine yards to prepare myself for that and its completely different when it’s on your body. So that was a pretty traumatic experience so far. Still in kind of a fog from the pain meds. Pretty much down to 1 every 4 hours. Today I’m going to try to stretch it a little more. Most of the pain is in my left armpit where they took out lymph nodes. Then the left chest area where they took out the tumor. My right side isn’t too bad. I wouldn’t describe my right side as painful…just an annoyance. Still not eating the full range of foods yet. Sticking with the basics…turkey sandwich, peanut butter and jelly, crackers, jello and chicken broth. Not really into food yet.
Not really into being social right now. I’m pretty content sitting here watching shows and sleeping. Pretty much staying off of Facebook because I don’t really care to read all the drama and hate in the world right now. This surgery has really tested my positive outlook on everything. This has been the hardest most emotional part of this fun little journey so far. Emotionally I’m completely numb. I don’t know if it’s the meds or the fact that I just can’t deal with this right now. Part of me is like….”This is no big deal….people go through this all the time…so what.” The other part of me is completely devastated. I’m sure this will also be part of this whole healing thing. I can see how this could change a person. I like to think this isn’t going to completely change me but it already has. Hope I regain my sense of humor, because that would totally suck.
So the positives from the last week….
- I’ve watched season 4 of OTNB. Caught up on season 4 of Wenthworth. Watched season 1 of Mr. Robot. Halfway through season 2 of Gotham. Getting ready to watch Bloodline now….hopefully it’s decent.
- I’ve lost about 10 pounds since surgery. But like 5 of it was breast/tumor so not as worrisome as it sounds.
- I made it through surgery and am here to talk and complain about it.
- The world goes on even if the kitchen isn’t cleaned
- Pete’s boss sent over a casserole.
- Pete’s staff and co-workers sent me a goodie bag filled with some stuff and a card.
- Erik and Ashley sent me some beautiful flowers
- Pete picked me some beautiful flowers from the property
- Cleo sleeps in the recliner next to me or is always close. She’s been pretty good through this so far.
- I continue to have support from people even if they really have no clue what to say to me right now.
