Its’ amazing how you get a dose of normalcy and then something happens to remind you that you are still fighting.  I have to keep reminding myself that I still have a long way to go here. I am getting stronger to be able to do radiation. I have no idea how that is going to affect me. From what I understand it may make me a bit tired, but nothing crazy. I’m starting to have the symptoms of someone who has sat around for a few months doing nothing.  Oh yeah…I had. So there is a lot of muscle loss and loss of muscle control. In part due to the lack of movement but also with the lack of hormones in my body it’s causing other rather unpleasant side affects.

So as I sit here this morning all upset and feeling defeated I figure I can do one of two things. I can sit around and be defeated, whither away and cry and give in to Cruella’s overall plan to destroy me. Or get mad and totally be like “fuck this shit.”  And kinda the way I am…guess which one we are going with.  So put the battle gear back on (you aren’t done with it yet) and get your ass in there and do something. Plan of attack: 1. Diet. I have already started to eat better, but this just enforces it. 2. Exercise! I have been taking walks around the property every day, but warrior mode time.  We are going to join the gym. My job from here on out is to gain strength both mentally and physically to be able to handle shit.

I talk a lot about the physical side, but mentally it comes and goes.  This part of treatment is kind of sucking because I have days where I’m on top of my game and I feel “normal” and then other days I crash and burn and can’t remember anything. So welcome to limbo. 3. This is why I also decided to do this Sign Language course on line. I’m hoping it will help with the brain part of it.  I also have this airplane game I play where you have to manage the incoming and outgoing aircraft without blowing anyone up.  So it’s using reasoning and deduction skills. Oh that and this cooking game….where you have to take orders and get food out on time. I think it helps.  Who knows!

I’m in the mood to RANT! RANT! RANT! but it turns into me just being a BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! and I’m trying not to do that any more.  See how long that lasts….

I just have to remember to put myself first still and not fall into other people’s drama.

I just got back from my weekly poking at the drs. I’m down to 5ccs now…I mean really? We are going to truly ride this out til the very end aren’t we. Whatever. So I go back in 2 weeks.  I’m starting to just accept that every week (now two) I’m going to get a needle stuck in my side to see how much fluid we extract.  Might I say from some of the support boards I’ve been on other people have like major fluid…not this measly amount to deal with.

Anyhoo…I was reading through some blog posts of fun exciting people like myself who have taken this little journey or are currently taking it.  I got to thinking about what my purpose is for even writing a blog. I started this as a way to keep my friends and family updated on my progress.  Of course after the initial “I HAVE CANCER” everyone is interested everyone is concerned.  Then as time goes on fewer and fewer people are engaged in your progress or what you are going through.  I know someone who was diagnosed with breast cancer that told me once she was diagnosed she stopped reading my blog.  Now, I was trying to understand that.  And in part I do. But I am such the opposite. When I was diagnosed I joined a support group though the cancer center and then the on line boards which led me to a lot of different people blogging about their experience. The people I met in Chemo were more than inspiring and I learned so much about not only my cancer but other types of cancer.  I joined a work out group for cancer patients where again listening to people’s stories inspired me and taught me event more. I listened to the struggles of other warriors out there and learned to appreciate my situation. I found comfort that other people were making it through the struggle. They were having bad days too. They weren’t always positive.  They weren’t always negative.  It made me feel that I wasn’t alone in this journey and that some of the things I was going through and feeling were okay.  So now that my friends and family are pretty much over this journey…Many of them think that as soon as you get through a certain point it’s all okay. What I’m finding is that each step has it’s own struggles and it’s far from over.  It’s a long process that I have stated before that not everyone has the stamina to hang in there with you.

So here I am in another limbo (lots of BAM! treatment….sit around and wait) I’m in Physical Therapy, still getting one stupid seroma drained just waiting until the day I can raise my arm over my head so I can start radiation.  So again….if my readership is down why the heck am I still doing this?  I think at this point it is first of all for me.  It’s been helpful to get my thoughts down and go back and re-read where I was at what time. I also THINK my hope is to help someone who has gone through this.  I hope that someone who has been diagnosed or is in some limbo stage where you are frustrated and losing hope that you will get to move on can see that there is a struggle to stay sane through the rough times. That everything must end at some point.  And you will get to move on; not always when or how you want, but you will get to move on.

I know I have a long journey left, and a lot of story to share ahead.  I’m starting to ponder the life after treatments and what the new normal will be like.  Will I always live in fear? Will I finally accept living each day in the present? Will I gain my self confidence back? Will I lose a part of myself? What will I gain?  What lessons will I truly take away from this experience?  And I think, for me, a big part is knowing that my story is not the only story out there.  There are others just like me who are asking these same questions.  I want to find some of these people and learn how they dealt with each stage, each setback, what kept them going. I want to share how I dealt with each of these things as well to hopefully help someone along just like me.

So to those friends and family who still read this silly thing every now and then…thank you.  For those who are going into war or in the war….I hope my posts can help in any way…and never be afraid to ask me questions if you have them.  I have found that you may not win every battle, but as long as you win the war it’s all good.

Side story here:  So when you have breast cancer by the time you go through Chemo and have surgery you are so over any bit of being discreet.  The dr has interns that he brings in…”do you mind” and I’m like “nope…there are still a few people left in the hospital who haven’t gotten to touch my chest yet…so why not”  And like I just take my shirt of before people leave the room….like seriously…nothing to see here…and like I said…so many people have looked and touched my chest the last year…who cares! LOL!