I’m sitting here trying to rationalize this whole surgery thing.  I’ve been racking my brain to find the positives.
1.  There is a good chance I won’t have to worry about breast cancer in the future.

2. They won’t get in the way when I do things

3. Running will be more comfortable

4. Don’t have to wear a bra.

5. No more mammograms

6.  Can wear more styles of clothes

7. One less body part to try to kill me

8. Jump start my weight loss program

9. Sports will be easier

10. If I really miss them I can always put fake ones on.

11. People will realize my eyes are green.

12. I hear you get smarter

I’ll try to think of more….

My drain holders came today.  whoo hoo.  How exciting. (feel the sarcasm)  I’ve been reading a lot and watching videos of people who have gone though this.  I say people because men can get breast cancer too and go though this surgery.  I’m trying to prepare myself. Not sure if its helping or hurting at this point.  I’m very torn with my feelings right now. Part of me is in total panic mode and starting to mourn the loss of the girls.  The other part of me is going to be thrilled to get rid of the lethal bitches.  So needless to say emotionally I go from one extreme to the other.

The other thing is I HATE surgery, not a fan of pain and hospitals.  And I honestly really don’t want to do this at all.  But Idon’t really have a choice in the matter.  So I’ll have to suck it up and deal with it.  My last hospital stay was not very favorable.  But it’s a different state and different surgery so maybe it will be a positive experience.

I’m trying to get myself all set up for this.  I’ve downloaded some shows I’ve wanted to watch.  A few books I’ve wanted to read once I get through all my shows.  Today starts the NO LIST.  So no medications, pain killers, vitamins etc. before the big day.   We already pretty much took Cruella down…now it’s time to remove her from the battle field.  I think that’s the part I’m excited about.  Just want to move on to the next phase…..physical therapy!  (then radiation in case she decided to leave something behind…..wench)

But I am going to take a picture of the noggin each month to see the hair growth progres
sion. That will be fun.

I’m now one week out before surgery. I have my button down attire and my drain packs on there way. I have figured out my show line up of Netflix and downloaded shows to keep me entertained.  I have the book ready once I’m over the show catch up.  I’ve got about 2 weeks of hell with the drain tubes that I have to keep myself occupied.  Now just trying to figure out the logistics of how I’m going to do certain things with little to no arm movement.  I’m sure I’ll figure it out.

One thing I have found interesting though this process so far is that people are interesting.  Most people in the beginning are all over you for information and how they can help.  They are very supportive.  Others disappear and won’t talk to you any more.  The ones that are supportive and “If you need anything just let me know” start to die off after a few weeks. This cancer thing is a long road and not everyone has the stamina to keep that up for that long.  Then you get over one hurdle and stop Chemo another group assumes you are cured and it’s over.  Yay you beat cancer and now you can go on being normal. (Nope it’s still there just had to control it before they took it out…advanced stage cancer is much different than early stage cancer) Then out of the people that are still hanging in there with you….Surgery.  Yay you get a boob job. Um no. I’m not getting a boob job.  Everyone seems to think that after a mastectomy they put these perfect breasts into place right afterwards and you are instantly a Baywatch model.  I wish.  So what’s left are a very few people who just want to know how you are doing. They haven’t made any crazy gestures about helping.  They are there for moral support. They haven’t changed how they talk to me.  And I appreciate that. I have learned that my husband is one of the strongest most patient people I have ever known.  He listens to my rants, wipes away my tears, make me laugh through it all and gives me the strength I need to make it though another day.

(Sidenote:  DO NOT insist that you will help and keep saying it and then when it comes up I ask for something you disappear. I am not the type of person who ever asks for help because of this reason.  And this is why going forward I will never ask for help again. I don’t have time for the games and the let down.  People think they need to extend help and do so with no real intention on following through. It makes them feel good by saying it but the whole time dreading you may take them up on it….or they want to do something when it’s convenient for them not you.)

I have also noticed people are afraid of the bald head and “cancer look.”  They do not know how to approach you, and they certainly have no idea what to say to you.  I have noticed this with friends, family, and strangers.  Well I am probably less scary now than I was BC (before cancer).  What do you say to someone with cancer?  What do you not say?  How should you act?  Can you joke with them?  Although people with cancer have probably changed a little bit, for the most part they are pretty much the same person they were before the dreaded C appeared.  I can only speak for myself but the hardest thing is people not being sarcastic to me any more.  I still love to joke around and be sarcastic.

I have spent many days alone with my thoughts over the last few months. And it is starting to sink in that this is going to take a while.  Effects of chemo can last months to years after the last treatment. It’s going to be like 2 years to get all my hair back the way it was.  Surgery.  Ugh. I don’t even know what to think about that at this point.  Reconstruction or no reconstruction.  I have some time to think about it but it’s such a process.  So I may just have cancer chest for the rest of my life unless I want to go through the whole expander thing and surgeries and all the crap that goes along with that.  Barbie Boobs….(no nipples unless you want to get them tattooed on) and they are going to have Frankenstein scars across them so really….

Am I scared though this whole thing?  Yes and No.  Yes because from day 1 it’s the unknown.  You go from “OMG I’m going to die” to “I don’t think I can take much more of this.”  But No because I don’t have a choice.  I’m learning to live outside of my comfort zone on a whole lot of things.  You just get up, put on your battle face and  move forward. My main feeling thought this whole thing is still utter bullshit.

But for people who are afraid of people with cancer, ask them questions.  They will probably explain anything you want to know.  You get poked and prodded and felt up by so many different people that your inhibitions are pretty gone…so no question or topic is off limits..We really aren’t scary.

Went in for blood work, go over MRI and schedule Surgery

Blood work is all good…MRI: Tumor and mass shrunk as well as the nodes. So Surgery is scheduled for June 29th.  I’m having a Bilateral Mastectomy with left Axillary Lymph Node Dissection. Which means they are removing both breasts and the lymph nodes from under my left arm.

I’ll be down for a few weeks.  After the drain tubes come out after a week or two I’ll start physical therapy.  Then radiation. The length of radiation will be determined by what is left over after surgery.  But radiation is typically every day for 5 weeks.  Then we do immunotherapy and up my anti-hormone therapy.  THEN hopefully my margins will be clear.

I was not a candidate for a lumpectomy due to the size of the tumor and the late stage cancer diagnosis. So mastectomy it is.  I’m doing both because although “you aren’t at risk for breast cancer” I don’t want to take my chances with the right side.  And I’m all about symmetry. You hear a lot of people who have reconstruction at the time of the mastectomy but I’m not a candidate for that because I’m having radiation afterwards.  I can have reconstruction at a later date if I choose.  But I’m going to go with the French Waif Model look for a bit.

So another step closer to getting rid of this stupid cancer thing.  It’s a long road….but at least I’ll be alive!

MRI BREAST BILATERAL W WO CONTRAST

DATE OF EXAM: 6/13/2016 5:19 PM

INDICATION: Breast ca s/p neoadjuvant chemo; C50.812 stage III B invasive
lobular breast cancer left breast. Status post neoadjuvant chemotherapy.
Presurgical evaluation.

TECHNIQUE: Bilateral breast magnetic resonance imaging was performed without
and with intravenous contrast using high resolution dynamic imaging on a 1.5
Tesla scanner. The examination was performed using a dedicated breast coil with
dynamic pre and post-contrast imaging. Computer aided evaluation was performed
using CADstream technology on an independent workstation. This includes motion
registration, multiplanar reformatted imaging, and kinetic enhancement
evaluation. The following pulse sequences were obtained: 1) Axial T2 FSE with
chemical fat saturation (FS); 2) Axial 3D T1, dynamic high resolution 3D T1
multiphasic images with FS (VIBRANT); 3) Axial subtraction images; 4) Post
gadolinium sagittal and axial 3D FSPGR T1 images with FS.

CONTRAST: The patient received 8 mL of Gadavist intravenous contrast.

COMPARISON: MRI of the breasts from February 2, 2016

FINDINGS:

There is mild background parenchymal enhancement in both breasts.

Right breast: There are unchanged mildly complicated appearing cysts with
intrinsic T1 shortening and no significant enhancement. This likely represents
proteinaceous debris. These are unchanged in size including a 1.3 cm cyst at the
anterior 12:00 position and a 1.1 cm cyst at the anterior 9:00 position. There
is also mild duct ectasia. There is no enhancing mass or area of nonmass-like
enhancement within the right breast.

Left breast: There is marked decrease in regional nonmass-like enhancement
previously encompassing nearly the entire outer left breast. There is a biopsy
clip positioned at the upper outer left breast at mid depth. Just posterior to
the clip, there is mild residual nonmass-like enhancement extending posteriorly.
There is also subtle nonmass-like enhancement extending posteriorly and
inferiorly at the outer and outer lower breast. The enhancement now shows no
worrisome kinetics without rapid enhancement. There is no residual worrisome
kinetic enhancement. The residual nonmass-like enhancement is very difficult to
measure in size. The most significant residual component within the upper outer
breast measures approximately 2.9 cm in length and 1.9 cm in craniocaudal
dimension. This similar area measured approximately 4.7 x 2.9 cm on the
comparison study.

There has been near complete resolution of level 1 left axillary adenopathy.
There is a very small residual level 1 left-sided axillary node which measures
up to 0.4 cm in short axis. There are no significantly enlarged or
morphologically worrisome right axillary lymph nodes.

There are no enhancing bony lesions.