Tag Archive | seroma

Battle

Sep11

Its’ amazing how you get a dose of normalcy and then something happens to remind you that you are still fighting.  I have to keep reminding myself that I still have a long way to go here. I am getting stronger to be able to do radiation. I have no idea how that is going to affect me. From what I understand it may make me a bit tired, but nothing crazy. I’m starting to have the symptoms of someone who has sat around for a few months doing nothing.  Oh yeah…I had. So there is a lot of muscle loss and loss of muscle control. In part due to the lack of movement but also with the lack of hormones in my body it’s causing other rather unpleasant side affects.

So as I sit here this morning all upset and feeling defeated I figure I can do one of two things. I can sit around and be defeated, whither away and cry and give in to Cruella’s overall plan to destroy me. Or get mad and totally be like “fuck this shit.”  And kinda the way I am…guess which one we are going with.  So put the battle gear back on (you aren’t done with it yet) and get your ass in there and do something. Plan of attack: 1. Diet. I have alreadth-2y started to eat better, but this just enforces it. 2. Exercise! I have been taking walks around the property every day, but warrior mode time.  We are going to join the gym. My job from here on out is to gain strength both mentally and physically to be able to handle shit.

I talk a lot about the physical side, but mentally it comes and goes.  This part of treatment is kind of sucking because I have days where I’m on top of my game and I feel “normal” and then other days I crash and burn and can’t remember anything. So welcome to limbo. 3. This is why I also decided to do this Sign Language course on line. I’m hoping it will help with the brain part of it.  I also have this airplane game I play where you have to manage the incoming and outgoing aircraft without blowing anyone up.  So it’s using reasoning and deduction skills. Oh that and this cooking game….where you have to take orders and get food out on time. I think it helps.  Who knows!

I’m in the mood to RANT! RANT! RANT! but it turns into me just being a BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! and I’m trying not to do that any more.  See how long that lasts….

I just have to remember to put myself first still and not fall into other people’s drama.

Finding Inspiration

Sep6

I just got back from my weekly poking at the drs. I’m down to 5ccs now…I mean really? We are going to truly ride this out til the very end aren’t we. Whatever. So I go back in 2 weeks.  I’m starting to just accept that every week (now two) I’m going to get a needle stuck in my side to see how much fluid we extract.  Might I say from some of the support boards I’ve been on other people have like major fluid…not this measly amount to deal with.

Anyhoo…I was reading through some blog posts of fun exciting people like myself who have taken this little journey or are currently taking it.  I got to thinking about what my purpose is for even writing a blog. I started this as a way to keep my friends and family updated on my progress.  Of course after the initial “I HAVE CANCER” everyone is interested everyone is concerned.  Then as time goes on fewer and fewer people are engaged in your progress or what you are going through.  I know someone who was diagnosed with breast cancer that told me once she was diagnosed she stopped reading my blog.  Now, I was trying to understand that.  And in part I do. But I am such the opposite. When I was diagnosed I joined a support group though the cancer center and then the on line boards which led me to a lot of different people blogging about their experience. The people I met in Chemo were more than inspiring and I learned so much about not only my cancer but other types of cancer.  I joined a work out group for cancer patients where again listening to people’s stories inspired me and taught me event more. I listened to the struggles of other warriors out there and learned to appreciate my situation. I found comfort that other people were making it through the struggle. They were having bad days too. They weren’t always positive.  They weren’t always negative.  It made me feel that I wasn’t alone in this journey and that some of the things I was going through and feeling were okay.  So now that my friends and family are pretty much over this journey…Many of them think that as soon as you get through a certain point it’s all okay. What I’m finding is that each step has it’s own struggles and it’s far from over.  It’s a long process that I have stated before that not everyone has the stamina to hang in there with you.

So here I am in another limbo (lots of BAM! treatment….sit around and wait) I’m in Physical Therapy, still getting one stupid seroma drained just waiting until the day I can raise my arm over my head so I can start radiation.  So again….if my readership is down why the heck am I still doing this?  I think at this point it is first of all for me.  It’s been helpful to get my thoughts down and go back and re-read where I was at what time. I also THINK my hope is to help someone who has gone through this.  I hope that someone who has been diagnosed or is in some limbo stage where you are frustrated and losing hope that you will get to move on can see that there is a struggle to stay sane through the rough times. That everything must end at some point.  And you will get to move on; not always when or how you want, but you will get to move on.

I know I have a long journey left, and a lot of story to share ahead.  I’m starting to ponder the life after treatments and what the new normal will be like.  Will I always live in fear? Will I finally accept living each day in the present? Will I gain my self confidence back? Will I lose a part of myself? What will I gain?  What lessons will I truly take away from this experience?  And I think, for me, a big part is knowing that my story is not the only story out there.  There are others just like me who are asking these same questions.  I want to find some of these people and learn how they dealt with each stage, each setback, what kept them going. I want to share how I dealt with each of these things as well to hopefully help someone along just like me.

So to those friends and family who still read this silly thing every now and then…thank you.  For those who are going into war or in the war….I hope my posts can help in any way…and never be afraid to ask me questions if you have them.  I have found that you may not win every battle, but as long as you win the war it’s all good.

Side story here:  So when you have breast cancer by the time you go through Chemo and have surgery you are so over any bit of being discreet.  The dr has interns that he brings in…”do you mind” and I’m like “nope…there are still a few people left in the hospital who haven’t gotten to touch my chest yet…so why not”  And like I just take my shirt of before people leave the room….like seriously…nothing to see here…and like I said…so many people have looked and touched my chest the last year…who cares! LOL!

 

Patience

Aug19

Evidently this part of this awesome little journey is patience.  Because the whole selling of the house by myself for 3 months wasn’t quite enough.  Okay, so patience on a different level. Or maybe the Universe though I forgot and I’m getting a refresher. OR the Universe is letting me know that I’m not in control of this.  Fine whatever.  The whole reason I went in today was because the Dr. wasn’t going to be here this week.  I specifically asked if there was little to no fluid could the other Dr. make the call.  I was told yes. This is the ONLY reason we scheduled with another dr (the one who put in my port). We wanted to keep everything on schedule.  So I go in, she didn’t want to drain anything because there wasn’t enough to drain. SHE would have had me start PT like 3 weeks ago.  BUT we have to wait for my Dr. to come back which won’t be until the 30th. She did try to drain out of one side and got some fluid. But the side where the tumor was she couldn’t get anything. And again I almost passed out because yes I may not have any feeling on the surface of my skin but you go far enough in and it hurts like a bitch. Seriously.  So I have to sit and wait until the 30th to see if I can finally start PT.  Whatever.  I ask if there are any exercises I can do that don’t affect the area we are being concerned about. I get told no. I only ask because I’m having a lot of back problems now because of all this. The nurse then goes. “Did you see a chiropractor?” I just deadpan looked at her face and said “Really?” “I can’t do any type of exercises with my upper body, can’t lay on my side and stomach and you somehow think getting adjusted by a chiropractor isn’t going to upset the balance of the universe.” I was like whatever. The other nurse said we will keep this appointment but if something comes open where they can squeeze me in before then we will. At least he is trying.  Bitch is lucky she wasn’t sitting closer to me I would have kicked her.  We leave and I’m all upset.  I threw my appt sheet away.  I’m so over it.

I totally had my hissy fit for about 30 minutes.  I’m pretty much over it now. I mean okay, it is what it is. We are being careful and don’t want to create any problems down the road. I get that. Eventually I’ll start PT and it won’t take long for me to get my range of motion back so I can start Radiation. The whole thing is I want to get radiation in before it starts to snow since I have to drive in every single day. That’s the real reason I’m pushing to get this done. I feel like I have a time limit. I don’t.  The fact is I’m just kind of over this whole situation and would like to move on…that’s even more why I want this to start now.  I will go down the way it goes down.  I’ll go though treatments when it’s time for me to do so.  It will end when it’s supposed to. I just need to relax, chill out and accept that it is the way it is. “you don’t have to like the rules, but you have to accept them”  FINE!

So I’m lining up the books I can read over the next week or two. That should keep me distracted.  What’s another couple weeks.  Let’s hope my body can start absorbing some fluid!!

A little Closer

Aug12

I wouldn’t call my trip to the surgeon’s office today a complete setback or failure.  The one side had maybe 2cc (16cc the previous week) and the other side (the important side) was down to 13cc (20cc the previous week).  While it was not exactly what I was hoping for (0’s) it’s way better than it was.  A reduction in fluid is way better than the same or more!  I will stay down again this week and try not to do anything stupid. This will be quite the challenge as I have yet to go 2 whole weeks with out stupidity. I mean I barely got by 1 week!  But I can do this! Me, the couch and the Olympics.  Should keep me out of trouble!  I think I’m going to read a book next week.  That will keep me down and not all over the place for sure.

Being down all these weeks is starting to take it’s toll on me. I really need to find something constructive to do while I sit here not moving my arms.  Why can’t I move my arms you ask? Well. The open pocket that is collecting fluid needs to bind so there is no more pocket. The only way for that to bind is for me to not move it around. Obviously this pocket is on my chest under my armpit.  So I have to figure some projects to do.  Watching TV for this many hours a day really doesn’t work for me.  I mean there are days I don’t turn the TV on at all. We’ll besides the book I’ll have to think of something else. Wonder what language I can try to learn…Not a whole lot of diversity up here in Montana to test it out…Then there’s that genealogy thing. And I can start on some projects for the Holiday season.  I mean that’s going to be here before you know it!

One thing I have to do is stay off Facebook more.  My lord people. Everyone is in hypersensitive mode about air. Politics, we get it your candidate is better than someone else’s candidate…and this is why…One side tearing the other apart while the other side defends blindly.  Well have at that one.  Then of course if things don’t get reported quick enough everyone is all up in arms that one side or the other is the reason…they are rebelling or getting back at some group for some reason. Then there is the media who seem to have the distinct job of just stirring the pot and creating nothing but drama. Doesn’t matter if it’s reported correctly…people will believe and react! RANT! RANT! RANT!  Nothing can be said without someone looking for a reason to place blame to someone.  I don’t have time for that shit. Are some of these issues important to me? Of course they are. But I’m going to see what I can do about it vs. bitching and moaning and pointing fingers. EVERYONE SUCKS!!

 

Ho Hum…

Aug8

I totally forgot to update on the last Friday’s aspiration appointment.  I was supposed to go to the Radiology Oncologist first so we could get everything set up so I could start radiation.  Well because I can’t raise my arms over my head yet, it put that appointment on hold for a bit.  So they decided they were going to send me to PT and then reschedule the RO (Radiology Oncology) appt for 2 weeks. Well the RO Dr called up to the Surgeon (I was supposed to see him that afternoon) and they talked. Next thing you know I’m in the Surgeons office and he aspirated again 20cc/15cc. No go on moving forward. I go down to RO to cancel my appointment.  Now I’m on hold until the aspiration numbers are at 0cc’s then I can start PT and move forward.  So while I wait until Friday to see how much longer it will be to move forward with the world….Let me amuse you with some photographs. I’ve been spending the last few days experimenting with what affects seromas.  I have been trying everything from compression/no compression/sitting/laying down/foods. Well it’s been interesting. And we’ll see on Friday if anything has had an impact. But the food thing…. After all these months I’m finally to the stage where I can start focusing on my diet. Through chemo there were certain things that my body just didn’t like.  I stuck to the very bland foods that I knew wouldn’t make me sick.  Since surgery I’ve been venturing out a bit to see if I can eat certain things again.  What I have found is my taste buds have changed.  There are also certain foods I used to be able to eat that I can’t eat so much now.  I don’t know if this is temporary but it has pushed me to go for the alkaline way of life.  We will see how this pans out.  Breads, potatoes, starches make things swell and make me very uncomfortable.  Certain spices upset my stomach.  And of course now we are back to the no dairy because just like before my body does not care for it very much.  I have to say that was the one thing about chemo I enjoyed….I could eat ice cream with no side effects. I think it was a good trade off!

This alkaline way of eating isn’t really far off from what I’ve been doing.  Just basically need to cut out some of these starches and cut down on the meat and add more vegetables. I had already given up anything from a box and cans are a no-no! Since this whole cancer thing started I’ll tell ya, grocery shopping takes less time.  I shop the perimeter of the store and then of course the paper/cleaning isle.  So that goes super fast. And we are actually saving money!

Starting to get used to the new body. I really think I’m going to be okay with it.  I mean once I’m cleared to start exercising its’ going to be so much easier!  I’ll do the prosthetics for going out and when I want to.  But I can just take them off when I get home!  That will be awesome.  The other thing I’m still looking into is the chest tattoo to cover my 18 inch scar.  Right now I’m going for some sort of vine/flower/butterfly or hummingbird ordeal.  That could change but I’m still looking at stuff. (I have some time….)

 

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The Minion Shirt at the beginning of Chemo

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The Minion Shirt after surgery.  At least it’s easier to read….

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Hair growth 2 months after last Chemo treatment

Impatience Sets in

Aug2

I really hate seromas!  There was less build up on the left sie (25cc) and just a little more on the right (16 cc).  So I so I go back on Friday and get drained again.  Depending how much fluid build up is there they may put the tubes back in. And they would remain until there is no fluid at all.  Can’t start PT until there is no more fluid.  The thing with this is there is nothing I can do.  So I sit here trying not to do anything too stupid and move suddenly so I don’t pull something or irritate it more.  Wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have all the tightness and pain.  And at times it’s totally crazy to be hot and cold at the same time.  I mean how the heck does that even happen!  (rhetorical question…I’m too familiar with why it happens)

I also go in Friday to meet with the Radiology oncologist so we can go over what’s going to happen.  There are a few people left in the hospital who haven’t seen my chest yet so why not.  I just can’t wait to be able to start exercising and moving on.  I know in the overall scheme of things it hasn’t been that long.  I mean to get to this point after 6 months is actually pretty good.

Tigger!!!!

Jul29

I go into the Surgeon to get drained again today.  Hoping there isn’t as much fluid build up so I can start physical therapy and radiation and get this show on the road!.  It’s been a little over a month since surgery.  This by far I think has been the hardest part for me.  Chemo was physical with some emotion but surgery has been devastating emotional and extreme physical.  Before surgery I really didn’t think I would have that much of an issue with losing both breasts.  I mean to an extent I still don’t at times but it’s been a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I took sponge baths for the first 3 weeks so I didn’t have to really face 18 inches of scars across my chest and 20 minor scars around my ribs. I think taking a shower for the first time after all this was one of the most etiggeremotional and vulnerable situations I’ve ever had to face.  It gets easier and easier with each day but I’m still pretty devastated.  Hard to say if this is something that I will get used to and embrace over time.  Pete and I have talked about getting a nice big tattoo across my chest.  I’m seriously considering it.

Hair is starting to come in.  It’s to the point I actually feel like the wig has too much hair. I forgot how much I used to wear my hair up out of the way…especially in the summer.  But honestly these days my hair has now become the least of my concerns.

So obviously everywhere around the scars are still numb.  My upper arms still feel like they are being bound and I have no range of motion to do anything.  The pain is more tolerable now than what it was originally, but it is still there and can get pretty annoying at times.  I still have some neuropathy in my hands and feet (side effect from chemo) as well as some swelling.  The neuropathy has gotten a little worse since surgery, but that could be from some of the swelling.  At this point what’s going to be will be and I have to learn to deal with however this all turns out.

 

Tigger Song

 

The word for today is: Seroma

Jul21

Had a lovely day at the hospital yesterday. Met with my Medical Oncologist to see how things are and what’s next on the agenda. We made an appointment with my Radiology Oncologist to see how that is going to play out and how long that treatment will be.  Then I went over to my Surgeon and he drained a bunch of fluid out of me.  Which means no physical therapy yet.  I have to lay low for another week to make sure the fluid has gone down.  I meet with him again next week to see where we are with that.  If the fluid doesn’t slow down and stop he’s threatening to put the tubes back in.  I told him this was not an option….I’m not doing the tubes again!!! So if the world goes right, they will drain out minimal fluid next week and then sign me up for Physical Therapy so I can get my range of motion back.  Then I can start Radiation and do that for a few weeks.  Then once radiation is complete do the immunotherapy.  Then we can see where I am with all this.  Still a lot of things to go through but should be pretty much on the down slope of this craziness.

So I’m going to try really hard to be good this week and not do anything crazy like clean and laundry and anything else that uses my upper chest muscles and upper arms. I did get told I can walk around, but I can’t go swinging my arms around like crazy. Fine. I think this part is driving me the most crazy. It’s like you finally feel good physically for the most part and you just want to get up and do everything like normal. (isn’t that cute that I think of the word normal?)

Fine. I will continue to chill out and do this healing thing for another week. But after that…it’s on.  Seriously though, the hardest part is trying to get comfortable at night without using your arms to move your body.  The recliner and my back are no getting along anymore so I’ve moved into the guest room with a fortress of pillows (and the dog). I’m fine once I get all set up, but until then it’s about hell.  Cleo has been very good about just sleeping  next to me to keep an eye on me. Okay really she just likes to be able to sleep on the bed with me.

Also went to support group yesterday.  I hadn’t been the last few times because of surgery, so it was nice to see everyone and catch up a bit. I wasn’t going to go because I had a drs appt at the same time, but did make the last 10 minutes of the session and then we all sat around and talked for like 45 minutes.  They are a pretty good group.

The hair is growing back finally. On my head I can actually get enough to pull it a bit. Eyebrows are slowly coming back as well as eyelashes and hair on my arms! And I think I may actually have to shave my legs soon! I’m not sure I’m too excited about that one…it was really nice not shaving my legs! Everything is at fuzzy birds nest stage.  Shouldn’t be long before I’m rockin the pixie look.

I’m starting to kind of get used to my scars. Not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Right now putting on certain shirts is a little hard.  Trying to keep everything baggy at this point. If it was cooler I could at least wear a scarf but not yet. By hard I mean not just hard to get into something that slips over the head but emotionally to see.  I mean you go all this time with breasts and then you don’t have them. Not that I particularly liked them anyway, but it’s just the principle of the whole thing I guess.  I do think I’m going to be okay eventually just being able to take them off at the end of the day.  And it is going to make exercising so much easier.

I haven’t gotten the official pathology report back (which I so should have seen this by now!) but I guessing it was about 5 lbs in breast/tumor tissue.  If I had to guess.  But I’m down 12 lbs in all since surgery.  Once I’m cleared to exercise I have a whole new plan. The body looks much different without the breasts in the way….so totally different perspective.