Its’ amazing how you get a dose of normalcy and then something happens to remind you that you are still fighting.  I have to keep reminding myself that I still have a long way to go here. I am getting stronger to be able to do radiation. I have no idea how that is going to affect me. From what I understand it may make me a bit tired, but nothing crazy. I’m starting to have the symptoms of someone who has sat around for a few months doing nothing.  Oh yeah…I had. So there is a lot of muscle loss and loss of muscle control. In part due to the lack of movement but also with the lack of hormones in my body it’s causing other rather unpleasant side affects.

So as I sit here this morning all upset and feeling defeated I figure I can do one of two things. I can sit around and be defeated, whither away and cry and give in to Cruella’s overall plan to destroy me. Or get mad and totally be like “fuck this shit.”  And kinda the way I am…guess which one we are going with.  So put the battle gear back on (you aren’t done with it yet) and get your ass in there and do something. Plan of attack: 1. Diet. I have already started to eat better, but this just enforces it. 2. Exercise! I have been taking walks around the property every day, but warrior mode time.  We are going to join the gym. My job from here on out is to gain strength both mentally and physically to be able to handle shit.

I talk a lot about the physical side, but mentally it comes and goes.  This part of treatment is kind of sucking because I have days where I’m on top of my game and I feel “normal” and then other days I crash and burn and can’t remember anything. So welcome to limbo. 3. This is why I also decided to do this Sign Language course on line. I’m hoping it will help with the brain part of it.  I also have this airplane game I play where you have to manage the incoming and outgoing aircraft without blowing anyone up.  So it’s using reasoning and deduction skills. Oh that and this cooking game….where you have to take orders and get food out on time. I think it helps.  Who knows!

I’m in the mood to RANT! RANT! RANT! but it turns into me just being a BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! and I’m trying not to do that any more.  See how long that lasts….

I just have to remember to put myself first still and not fall into other people’s drama.