Tomorrow is the last full dose of radiation treatment. It’s the last one to my lymph nodes. The remaining 5 are boosts to the tumor site. I’ve been very emotional the last week over all this. I mean I’m ecstatic that I’m down to the end. I’m excited about rebuilding myself both physically and mentally. But at the same time, I’m scared to death of what comes next. The possibility of it all coming back. The being alone again. All the cheerleaders have stopped. All the support ceases. You have beat cancer and now you must pick up all your pieces and start over and figure out what to do with them all.
People have been very interesting through this journey. From the people who dissapear because they don’t know what to say, to the people who you are just like…shut up while you can still save yourself. I get it, unless you have been through it it’s a crap shoot. Unless you really know the person you really don’t know what to say. I have one relative who from day one has been there. He was at a lost at first and we talked about it. But he knows me so he knew what he could and shouldn’t say. He knew for the most part to just talk to me like a person and update me on what is going on. Talk about the same things we have always talked about. He’s one of the only people who realized I was still me. And he would ask me questions about the cancer. He wanted to understand and know everything. Now I had a few close friends who have been the same way, and I appreciate these people more than they will ever know.
Now I have had conversations with people who just don’t get it. They don’t know the facts, they don’t want to know the facts, they have no concept of this journey, and they don’t want to know about it. They assume they know. Knowing someone who has had cancer or having a relative or friend who is in the industry in some way shape or form does not make you the expert on it. I mean my husband is a pathology supervisor. He diagnosis all the lumps and bumps for a living. I don’t claim to know what he knows. And he never having cancer doesn’t claim to know what I know. On the good side we have helped eachother understand from eachother’s point of view. So that has been good. But I digress. If you have never actually been thorugh it, choose your advice and thoughts and knowledge of the subject with caution. But like they say…opinions are like assholes…everyone has one.
My issue is that when someone says something that is untrue (or talking out of their ass) it stays with me. It eats at me. I dwell on it. My mind won’t rest for days because of it. So what I need to do is stop listening to people who have their opinion. I mean it’s great that they have one, but doesn’t mean it’s correct. I need to just nod and take it with a grain of salt and then just let it go. Thats the part I have a hard time with. Letting things go from my mind. THIS will be the hardest part of the Project me phase. How to not let people get in your head. This has always been an issue with me so I suppose it’s another reason I’m down this path….I’m my own worst enemy.
So outside of that the radiation site is probably a 2nd degree burn at this point. They had mentioned taking a break at one point, but since I was so close to being done we are just going to go ahead and move forward. I have some creams to put on to help. But besides the skin burning I have a pain inside which I’m sure is more things waking up and going “oh shit.” We have put physical thereapy on hold until my skin heals up. I go back on the 17th of November. Just one last check up and go over exercises that I’m going to continue on without them and then they will discharge me there.
Fatigue has been up and down. For the most part I’m able to get in 3-4 days at the gym. So I do my cardio for 35 minutes then some core strenthening and then stretching. Once I’m done with radiation and my energy comes up a bit I’m going to start yoga a few times a week. Once I get the core stronger and my full range of motion back then I’ll add weights. All this working out though radiation is just to keep my energy up so I can make it through. I’m not trying to get buff or anything at this point. This whole process is just going to be baby steps. Slow and steady. And just stay on my own mat.
I’ll say it again I’m sure but, a huge shout out to my rock in life and the one who has been there with me and has gotten me through the darkest of days, my husband. And to my cousin who is more like a brother to me who has been there with me, who needed to learn as much as he could, to keep me laughing and take my mind off of things when I needed it most. To my Aunt and Uncle who came to see me. Two of my oldest friends who are my sounding boards that listen to my rants about anything and everything. And all my other friends and family who have supported me to keep my spirits up through all this craziness. (Coloring books, oragami, water bottles, blankets, tote bags,TastyKakes, scarves, hats, cards, inspirational books, fuzzy pajamas, and other goodes) I love you all. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart….I couldn’t have done it all without you.
It’s been a few weeks since I posted here and only a week or so since I posted on FB. But let’s see what has been going on on Sherek Acres:
very light to no weights for my upper body right now. So I’m either just going through the movement of the exercise or using 3 pound weights. I have to go slow. My body is very good at telling me when to stop. Like today…my mind wanted to keep going but my body told me I was done for the day. I’m also doing low weight and high reps for lower body. Then I’m doing stretching. Lots of stretching and back strengthening exercises. When I get home I try to walk Cleo up the hill and do my loop on the upper part of the property.
s I meet with the Doctor to check how everything is going. So far I only have one spot that is pretty tender and that’s where the tumor was up against the chest wall. But overall the skin is holding up okay. They stressed how skin care is critical to this whole thing…and they are correct. So I’ve actually been following directions on this.
one of the Radiology Oncologists today about that specific thing. He told me that it will be a year before I start to feel somewhat normal. So in the meantime remember that I’m still going through treatment and still need to be kind to myself.