Well…yesterday was my last radiation session. I was doing good emotionally…then I stopped in the Chemo lounge like I usually do to say hi to everyone.  And I lost it.  Luckily the Social Worker was there.  So I asked her if we could talk a bit.  Sunday I had a complete mental breakdown. I had decided I wasn’t going to finish and just quit. (yes with one session left…I’m such a rebel).  She explained to me that it is completely normal. Some people after treatment go back to work after everything (or just continue to work) and like 3 months later it hits them like a ton of bricks.  In my case, I don’t have a job to continue or go back to.  When I got to Montana the plan was to set up house and then get a job and start over.  But this got in the way.  So between the pressure of selling the house last year, and then moving and then getting diagnosed, I folded.  I was to a point where I didnt’ HAVE to be strong anymore.  As I explained to her, throughout this process I would have my little hissy fit and cry for like 5-10 minutes and then shake it off and deal again.  There was that little voice in my head that would tell me to knock it off and woman up and get back in there.  Sunday, that little voice wasn’t there.  It just let me go.  So after talking to her it really helped to hear that it’s okay. That I’m normal. That I need to look at this as an opportunity to do whatever I want. I have a totally blank slate to work with.  And yes it can be scary…but it can also be exciting.  She told me to write down everything I like to do. What I want out of life. Then go and find things to try. Take a class or go to some club meeting.  I have absolutely nothing to lose.   My little voice is back…he is tired…but he is back.  So after treatment we went and had a beer at the place we had a beer the day I was diagnosed. Seemed fitting.

Last night I started a new sleep anti-anxiety medication Trazodone (Desyrel).  I’m not sure how I feel about this one.  I took it at 8:30 and about 20 minutes later I felt like I was floating. Then I was out like a rock. Woke up at midnight. Went back to sleep for 2 hours and then was up from about 2:30 to 4:00am. Went back to sleep until 5:15am. Stayed up for about an hour and then went back to sleep again, woke up about 9:00am.  Now the first 3 hours no dreams, I was out.  Then the next 2 hours I had crazy dreams. I mean at one point I had no idea what was real and what was the dream. I was having dreams within dreams. I mean in my dream I woke up and was telling my husband about the crazy dreams I had.  It got a little better the last few hours…normal kind of dreams but very vivid.  It’s almost like everything that I fear or that has happened that bothers me came out in my dreams.  I’ll see how it goes tonight.  I was a little groggy when I finally woke up…but if the dreams don’t calm down we are going to have to change this med.  I mean I don’t mind vivid…and sometimes they can be entertaining…but some stuff is just down right scary!

Today was my first day on Aromasin (Exemestane).  So far so good.  Took it at 9:30.  Didn’t have my first hot flash until 3:45.  That’s doable.  I don’t expect I’ll start feeling anything terribly different the first day…if I feel any different at all.  I mean a lot of the side effects are the same as the Lupron I’m already on, so they may just intensify a bit and I won’t notice….(let’s hope for that).

I was also supposed to just sit here all day and just watch TV. That was the plan.  I was going to be a total bum!  Well…I went downstairs and ended up starting on my craft room.  Mind you, I haven’t had the energy since we moved in to get to it.  So just about everything is still in boxes.  I have to figure out a shelving system of where I’m going to put all this stuff!  I also organized all the CD’s we have. You know, made sure the right CD was in the right case.  And then proceeded to put them in a box since no one really uses CDs anymore.  But it was fun to see what we have!

So my plan is to finish setting up my craft room.  Then make some stuff. Look to see if there are any classes on anything I might be interested in. Keep an eye on the job boards to see what is out there. I have kinda been doing this since I got here so that won’t really be any different.  I’m going to see how I feel the first of the year and maybe register with the staffing agency in town do some temporary work for a bit, maybe part time until I find something I like to do that they will give me money for.

My goal is to move forward and not look back….there really isn’t anything I need back there.  I’ve spent the last week mentally preparing myself for LIFE AFTER CANCER. Well, here we are. We have broken me down to rock bottom mentally and physically.  And this is how we start to make a Diva…