Thing have been going pretty good. About 6-8 months ago I started to get a pain in my sternum. I just figured I slept on it wrong because I am kind of one of those all over the place sleepers. I was doing a wedding on June 16th and this feeling I haven’t felt in a long time came over me. I actually said to myself out loud, “It’s back.”

I have been going to the oncologist every 6 months and nothing seemed out of the ordinary. I mean yes I was tired and having bone pain but we figured it was because of the Tamoxifen. So we decided to take a break from it for a bit and then get me going to start exercising more while I had the energy and hopefully develop a habit that would override the affects of the meds. We were talking about these new meds and I was concerned about my heart. I mean having a family history of heart disease I figured this was something that was probably good to consider. So they made a referral to the cardiology department. They found my blood pressure was a bit high for their liking and had me track it and set up a CT scan vs an Echo just so they could see more.

Results came back with a sclerosis of the 4-5th rib and sternum, and some nodes on my lungs. So okay, we are now going to do a PET scan because of findings. Now keep in mind I’m all worried about my lungs because well I am. And this sclerosis with the sternum and ribs figured okay well that’s why that hurts. Again not thinking much of it at all. Note the cardiologist seemed unusually upset and weird and said they were going to turn it over to oncology. Okay, note I’m still not thinking anything major except for these nodules on my lungs! Oh, but my heart is just fine!

While I was waiting for the PET scan day to come up we went down and and the most amazing time with the kids in Colorado. Everything about it was great. It was so good to be around family and friends for a week!

Come back have to wait like a week before. So threw myself into work because that’s what I do. Then PET scan day comes. I’m trying to not freak out on the way there. I mean, nothing that will change the outcome for better or worse so no need to react.

I pull my shit together, they get me prepped. Yes Valium is a marvelous thing. Do the whole test thing. Great.

The first thing I do is go get a cheesesteak, kandy kakes and butterscotch Oh and vanilla cream soda. I mean I feel I deserve this.

The rest of the day I just tried to keep busy checking MyChart every 5 minutes. No results yet.

The next morning the results come through. I’m reading and everything looks good, lungs are good and I’m like “YES!” I scan through everything else and then the phone rings. My oncologist. Dr Scott. She is very upset. (Why are all these people upset all the time!) And she runs through and tells me what everything means. Something about Stage IV, terminal, metastasized to bones, not curable but can be treated, this is what will take your life. I’m still not comprehending much. So I’m like, um…so what exactly are you saying? She repeats what she said. I’m like oh, so I get to see you for the rest of my life. She kind of laughed and said yes.

Hung up and just kind of laid there. Then it started to hit me. I sent the findings report over to Pete and let him know. He called me and said he was coming home. I’m like, no, it’s fine. Well no it wasn’t. Next thing I know Pete is home. Lots of crying on Friday and talking about what we were going to do and not going to do. We went out to lunch and ran some errands. Then came home and drank.

On Tuesday we have a meeting with Dr. Scott to go over all the details and talk about treatment.

It’s all very surreal. I’m not going to just sit around and wait to die. I have heard of many people living years with Stage IV especially Mets to the bones. So I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing until I can’t do it any more. I mean we are all going to die and it’s not until something like this happens that you understand your mortality. But it’s very different this time around. I mean at least now I don’t have to sit around and stress about whether or not the cancer will come back! Like she’s here and here to stay, so we are going to figure out how to live together as long as possible. Like having a roommate in your body. Bitch better not get out of line!

Now of course I had to name her. I mean, the initial cancer was Cruella. But this one is different. She’s the ultimate villain. She’s not going anywhere and she’s in til the end. So what better villain than Maleficent! I mean she’s the ultimate. And just seems very fitting. So from here on we will have the tale of Maleficent and of course the inevitable Dragon Maleficent.

On a more serious note. I will be spending some time pondering what my priorities are and exactly how I want to live out the rest of my life. I’m not going to stop working quite yet. I think it will keep me going. I will eventually have to change some of the things I do that are more physical, but I was moving towards that way anyway.

I’m also going back and forth between giving a shit and not. I mean part of me is like, what the fuck do I care? But I don’t know if I can really ever do that. I guess we will see.

Next update will be after the meeting with Dr. Scott and THE PLAN….