Stuff, Stuff and More Stuff

Jun12

So many things going on these days, its sort of a whirlwind! I am in the midst of trying to wrap my head around some sort of schedule. I feel like the last few months I’ve just been flying by the seat of my pants and have no control over anything. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with that, it’s just that it makes me feel like I’m completely out of control. Of course, with all this, I also worry about going back to my old ways…BC.  I think that’s the thing I struggle with the most. Am I going to go back into the same habits that lead me to this point in the first place. The whole thing I wanted was to be less stressed and enjoy life. But I think about life BC and now, and it is very different. I have control over what I do and don’t do. And yes I often have the thought “can I be trusted to even be in control of that!” I know that may not make sense, but I have a tendency to just go with things without thinking and the next thing you know I”m all over the place!

But I digress….The schedule. I’m getting to the point with the event side of the business that all the processes are down and everything is set up. I’ve moved my workout time to the mornings vs. afternoons because well…I’m finding if I wait too long in the day I get wrapped up in other things and end up blowing it off. So, mornings it will be. I’m also trying to compartmentalize all the tasks I have to do so I’m not spending too much time on things I shouldn’t be. Part of my schedule is to set time each week to blog! I haven’t been very good about it all.

My next little project is to get my Signing Agent certification out of the way. I’ve been putting it off for a few months now. So I need to get on it.  My goal is to get that finished up by the end of this month. I started to get more of a feel for that over the last few days. That will be my other little business. Once I get that up and running I can look at the 3rd element of my little empire. Now, one is probably thinking, wait. I thought you were just doing event planning? What is this other stuff you are talking about? Well, I decided to not put all my eggs in one basket. The idea is that if one business is slow, I have something else to fill in the gaps. So what is this 3rd component? Aaaahhhhh….working on that….will reveal once I have it all figured out in my head.

Let’s see, healthwise, things are going okay. I get tired a bit here and there, but I also haven’t been working out. So I have to get my butt in gear on that. Certain things are always in the back of my mind. Every little pain and weird feeling puts me on alert. I don’t’ know if that will ever change. But honestly the only thing I can do is exercise, eat right and try to keep my stress down. Outside of that, whatever will be will be.

Next week is the last anniversary in the teens. Geeze! 19 years! That kinda seems crazy. We are going to celebrate by going to the coast. I’ve never seen the Pacific ocean so I’m pretty excited about the whole thing. We are spending 1 night on the coast of Oregon and then 2 nights in Portland since he hasn’t been there. I suspect it’s going to be a really good time. We have friends in the Portland area, so I’m pretty sure we will all get together. We haven’t seen them in years! It will be a good time. BUT it will be the first time we take Cleo to a kennel. I like to refer to it as camp. It makes me feel better. I’m sure she will survive it and be just fine. The mom always has a harder time leaving her kids than they do!

Social Media…

May25

downloadI’ve been spending quite a bit of time on social media these days.  Developing a “presence.” While I create and write stuff it also makes me think. So I guess it’s doing what creating and writing is supposed to do. So that’s a good thing I suppose. I’ve noticed that everyone is very busy these days doing something. Remember the old days when you would reach out and talk to friends and family on the phone to catch up and see what is going on? Or you would meet them in person somewhere? I was thinking how this seems to happen less and less. At first I was starting to take all this non communication from people personally.  But then it kind of hit me. No body needs to communicate directly any more. Most people post their day to day (minute by minute) happenings on Social Media. First, don’t I think it’s cute that anyone actually reads anything I put out there? But I’m going to humor myself and assume that people pay attention to my stuff.

I know I find myself doing this all the time. I read their Facebook posts so I kinda know what is going on with everybody. Some people have stopped posting on Facebook, so I just assume they want to be left alone, and it’s nothing more than just wanting to unplug from the world. Which is probably something I should try doing for a bit.  I know I try to reach out to people that I’m close to outside of the online world. And honestly there is only like 1 person that I don’t live with that I talk to on the phone to catch up. Really just because happenings are just too complex with some things to type… Everyone else, a text, a post response…something very non-intimate.

Then I start to think about the lack of communication in the dealings with people on a day to day basis. You would think with the world overly communicating that everyone would be super good at it. Well, not so much. It seems that everyone although very “vocal” on a keyboard, has trouble communicating with actual people. I suppose that makes sense. This would also explain why everyone is very self centered. Everything is about ME ME ME ME ME. People don’t know how to listen. This is because they don’t practice this. They don’t have to. They sit on a computer or their phone and have one way conversations. They pay no attention to what is actually being said or printed. People skim articles, emails and posts. They don’t know how to comprehend. To slow down enough and stop waiting to respond enough to pay attention to what is being said or written. I think we are seeing this not only with our friends and family, but in our businesses and our government. I also believe this is why there is so much misunderstanding in the world. I don’t think it’s necessarily that so many people think so differently about topics, it’s that no one is listening to one another about them.

social mediaThe art of listening. Of taking the time to focus on something other than your own thoughts and feelings. People may just learn a thing or two not only about who they are communicating with, but about themselves.

So that’s my little mini rant today. Over nothing specific or particular. Just something I was thinking about while I was self indulged in my own self, blocking out the reset of the world. So homework for myself. (Yeah, see how this has become a theme lately? weird) Anyway….homework…To talk less and listen more. To not be so anxious to share my thoughts while other people are talking so I’m not listening or paying attention to them.

Now again, my disclaimer: These are my opinions as I see them. Open to interpretation. And always willing to hear people’s thoughts or opinions.

May Update

May21

I guess I’m only going to update once a month these days. I’m kind of slacking, but, in my defense, I’ve been super busy with things. So it’s been kind of crazy. So let’s see what’s gone on the last 2 months!

Business: Geeze. So much work. I pretty much have most everything in place. I’m working on a few other ideas I have. Weddings seem to be taking precedence over everything right now for some reason. I have everything up on WeddingWire and a few other sites. I have all my forms and processes pretty much down. I just have to finish my Wedding Workbook for clients. I think I’m going to include it in full planning and be purchased for any other package. The website is pretty much done. I have to work on the SEO side of it right now. But there is also the Boutique that needs to be added. That’s going to be something I work on for next year I think.  I have 2 weddings booked for July at this point and a meeting for one next August. So the wedding side of thing is starting to move along. The next thing I want to tackle is the Funeral portion. and then finally the social. I’ll do corporate events but I don’t know that I’m going to promote it a whole lot. We’ll see how things plan out.  So in addition to all this planning stuff, I’m working on my Signing Agent Certification. I have to do a little more research with this. I have some time.  The more I think about things the more I think I need to start pushing the boutique a little sooner than later.  I have so many ideas on what I want to do and I’m kinda just going for it all. I will have my empire before too long!

Health: Eh. I’ve actually been doing pretty good. Had my lupron shot last month and it was ugly for a few days, but not nearly as bad as before. But I am getting to the gym at least 4 days a week. Pilates and yoga on the weekend and eating half way decent. And then this week hit. OMG, I’ve been down all week. I blame it on the airplane! That’s the only viable explanation.  So once I get past this I can get back on track. It’s driving me nuts to not be able to do what I want to do! It started with a sore throat, then the fever blisters, then coughing. So much coughing. Then the left eye got all red, swollen, itchy and burning. Then the other eye got the same way. So my eyes are all leaky and get stuck shut. But what’s funny now is, Pete asked me how I was yesterday and my automatic response was “I’ve felt worse.” As much as I’m not a fan of being sick, I’m just glad I didn’t get this while I was in treatment. Things may have turned out a bit different.

Family: Went to go see the kids for mothers day last weekend. I had a wonderful time. It was nice to just hang out and be included in their lives for a few days. I got to spend time with each of them separately and together. I got to watch my son play hockey. It honestly couldn’t have been more wonderful.

So I know the last time I posted I gave myself some “homework” to do. Which for the most part I did stick to. The only thing I really didn’t stick with was the no sugar thing. That’s really hard. But I’m going to keep trying until it sticks. Not in my nature to give up on things. Well, that’s not entirely true. This is my struggle. I feel like I’m always the one that is reaching out to certain people to check in with them. It’s like I’m forcing to keep some sort of relationship. I think it’s harder when those people are family. I mean it’s obvious that they don’t think or care enough about me to just take 20 seconds to just say hi. So why do I continue? I understand that life gets busy and it’s hard to keep up sometimes. But in this day and age with email, texting and social media, I just don’t buy it. If you want to have someone in your life regardless of the miles between you, you will make an effort. But I think you have to come to the realization at some point that not everyone wants YOU in THEIR life. And as sad as that is to me, I think it’s okay. A friend posted something that made me think: “I don’t care about losing people that don’t want to be in my life anymore. I’ve lost people that mean the world to me and I’m doing just fine”

Because I’m not very good at giving up, I feel the same way about people. I don’t like to give up on them. I always have the idea that maybe they are going through a rough patch and they should know that no matter what I will be there if and when they need me. But another part of me is like, come on, other people don’t do that for me, so why should I do it for them. Life is too short to waste time on people who don’t appreciate you. It’s part of my “I have to please everyone” syndrome. Guess that’s something I need to figure out. You know when I was going through treatment, it was the first time in my life I put myself first above everyone else. Becuase I had to. And it seems that having done that I lost some people along the way. I guess I need to take the rose-colored glasses off and see things (and people) for who they really are. I need to focus on all those people who stuck with me and who I realized truly cared. These are the people I need to give my time and energy to.

So again things for me to work on…

  1. keep exercising!
  2. keep eating lots of fruit and vegetables
  3. stay away from added sugars
  4. once a week journal and blog! (personal and professional) I struggle with this!
  5. Appreciate the right people in your life

Updates and fun things

Apr1

I updated my hair chronicles and I didn’t realize I haven’t posted since the end of January. So Here we are 10 months post chemo, 9 months post surgery and almost 5 months since radiation and treatment ended. Seems like a complete life ago. I still tell people I just moved here because I really don’t remember 2016 at all. And as I sit here in do taxes it’s been a challenge to come to the realization that 2016 did, in fact, happen regardless if I was in it or not.

The end of January I decided I was going to register with the staffing agency to see if I can get warmed up and stop sitting around the house. I was very apprehensive about starting any type of job…with people…because I really didn’t feel like my mind was altogether there quite yet. I spent a lot of time doing word games and mind games on the computer. Brain exercises if you will. But I was convinced the only way to truly exercise my brain and get it back together was to get out there and use it in real world situations. On February 3rd I started a temp job. It was doing HR stuff so basically what I was doing before I left Colorado. So something familiar. That was good.  It was nice to talk to people on the phone. I realized when I do interviews now I view them very differently.  Every interview that I do I learn something from. Even when interviewing for an intern position.  In fact, I think I have learned more from the younger men and women around here than the seasoned ones.  It’ has been a good experience for me to get back into the swing of things. Remind me what I like and don’t like if that’s changed. And tested my patience. I have to admit. At first, I had way more patience than I do now. I found myself getting into old mindsets and old habits. For a few days, I was very disappointed in myself because I hadn’t seemed to learn much of anything over the past year. I stopped working out as much. I stopped going to support group. I stopped eating right. I stopped journaling. I stopped listening to my body.  And just the other day I did something that I am completely ashamed of which made me stop in my tracks. I had signed up for a Living Art class for current and former cancer patients.  It is a 6-week course that is supposed to give you your “me time” and help with the mental journey. The night I was supposed to start, I got held up at work and made the decision to pick work over this class. So there we have it. I had learned absolutely nothing. I went right back to putting a job (a temp job mind you) ahead of my own self and well-being.  As I was updating my hair post I started reading some of my old entries and it brought me back down to the reality of it all.  This assignment ends this Friday. Although I wish I could just stay there, I think it’s best for me to take a step back and regroup. Take what I’ve learned these last 2 months and really think about things.

So in the midst of all this, I’m trying to get this business started. As I get deeper into it, I’m starting to come up with more idea on how I can truly make this a viable business. Of course, now I want to change the entire look and feel of my website. I decided I don’t like it anymore. It’s just BASIC! So I have to see what I can do. I need new and fresh and it’s kinda clunky and awkward I think. And as much as I LOVE flowers I need to not have them maybe so prominent on my page.  So I’m going to do that this weekend while I rest from doing taxes (yes I wait longer than I should)

We did start doing Pilates on Saturday mornings and Yoga on Sunday mornings. Um yeah. So pilates is hard. Yoga is hard. I’m sore for like 3 days afterward. But I’m getting back on track here. With my theme of picking up where I left off a year ago, I’ve got my exercise schedule all figured out. And today is day one with no sugar. For the record, I want to rip eyes out. When I say no sugar I’m talking, besides the obvious of anything with refined sugar in it, but bread and anything that has added sugar in it. Like there is some kick-ass potato salad in the refrigerator right now I would love to get into. But I must be strong. I am only asking myself for 30 days. The month of April. Nothing but vegetables, fruit, meat, legumes, some olive oil and of course spices.  So I usually use myfitnesspal. And as much as I love it. And will probably still update it, I got this book to track everything. I’m a tactile person and the act of physically writing down what goes in my mouth and seeing it a certain way on paper works better for me. (Thanks Pam!)

Now the last time I did this I started out for 30 days and ended up going 3 months and lost 30 pounds and felt wonderful. I didn’t feel great the first few weeks, but I had so much more energy.  I believe some of my very first posts on this blog were surrounding this program. I’m sure if I went back and read them I would read something to the effect of “I will never do this again as long as I live!” So much drama.

My pledge to myself is for 30 days:

  1. No sugar added into anything. (Vegetables, Fruit, Meat and legumes)
  2. Track everything that goes into my mouth! (don’t be nastiiieee!)
  3. Exercise at least 4 days a week
  4. Journal every day. I need to get my thoughts down and out of my head!
  5. Blog once a week on something here.  (I also have to start blogging for my business site)
  6. DO NOT GET ON A SCALE!
  7. Get at least 8 hours of sleep. Easier said than done but this means basically that I need to actually go to bed at a decent hour during the week.

They say it takes something like 21 days to form a habit. I don’t know we’ll see.

8 months since chemo. 

Jan31

So here I am 8 months after chemo and a week shy of 1 year since diagnosis.  Today to celebrate I got my hair colored! Starting to feel more normal. I don’t have anything against my natural hair color…but getting rid of the gray and lighting it up a bit makes me feel better. 

Over the weekend I ran my 1sr 5k AC (After cancer). This was the race I ran a week before I was diagnosed. I had suspicions but it haven’t been confirmed yet. So to be able to run it one year later was a milestone I set for myself. And with that I’m picking up where I left off….

Tomorrow I start back to work. I signed up with the staffing agency in town. This gives me some flexibility easing back into work after a year (and 3 months). So temporary sign mentioned for 3 months full time.  Not exactly easing into it but this is how it’s going to work out. Haven’t decided if I’m excited, nervous or dreading it.  At this moment I’m indifferent.  I’m more concerned with the snow and icy roads tomorrow morning than anything. Oh and Cleo will be by herself all day. She is not going to be happy. I have to move my working out to 5:30. I guess we’ll see how much energy I have by the end of the day.

The business. Still slowly working on this. Trying to decide if I really want to do weddings. There is so much drama with that.  But I’m still researching a bit.

One year ago….

Jan18

I really hope I don’t do this forever. Tomorrow is a really big day. First, my one and only child was born 26 years ago tomorrow.  I hope he has a most wonderful day tomorrow.  I miss not being there. It does make me happy that he has started his own life and is starting his own family.

NOW. One year ago I went to the Dr so I could get a mammogram. I’ll never forget the look on the Dr’s face when he was examining my breast. I’ve never seen that look on a doctor’s face before and it scared the shit out of me. Not 10 minutes after I was being rushed around the hospital getting set up with “the best” doctors and surgeons in Missoula.  My head was spinning. For the next 3 weeks being poked and prodded. And exactly 3 weeks later I was diagnosed. It’s just so crazy. It’s strange to try to explain that it’s been a year since “normal.” The whole year has been very surreal. I’m now transitioning into my new normal and realizing that it’s going to be okay. We had one of the Oncologists speak at the support group meeting today. I was a little hesitant to go at first because the topic was stated as “Reoccurrence.” And I didn’t know how I felt about that. Well, I’m glad I went because he just basically had an open forum to answer any questions. So it was good. One of the ladies in our little social group is stage 4 and didn’t have good news today. I’m glad I went to the meeting to see her. We have a group of 5 of us who usually do lunch on the weeks we don’t have support group.  I really enjoy our little group. We have all been at different stages so it’s good to get different perspectives and support each other.

So the business is officially a business with the state of Montana. Got that certification today. So that was pretty exciting. I have to get myself into some sort of rhythm with this whole thing.  I didn’t really work on it today because of support group and working out.  But tomorrow is a new day. I do have to call the staffing agency tomorrow….phone screen. I figured I can work part time or temp jobs while this business thing gets started. As much as I would love to sit around the house I think it would be best for me to start really getting out there. I would love to do something remotely. Still going to keep an eye out for that.

Right now I’m on this “I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING!” kind of mode!  I’m sure I’ll settle down after awhile

I’m on day 2 of the real work-out program. Up until now, I’ve been doing light cardio…walking, jogging, swimming. Yesterday I added actual weights. Slow, low weight, high reps. Yesterday was upper body and cardio.  Today was lower body and cardio. I’m sore and it feels wonderful! It’s the first time I’ve felt normal pain in a year. I have also realized that as long as I exercise I don’t really feel the side effects of the meds. Except for the hot flashes…but yeah, I’m kinda getting over those….so whatever.

Random Scattered Thoughts

Jan17

I know it’s a super original header. But at this point, it’s good for me. I’ve been fighting a bit of a cold, lack of motivation and depression the last few weeks. Just really have no desire to do much other than sit and watch tv. My great accomplishment thus far has been to finally finish Breaking Bad. I lost countless hours of sleep and wasted way too many hours of my day but I got it done. See…I make things happen.

Actually I have been working on revamping the business. I setting on Erika’s Event Planning & Consulting. Again it doesn’t have that creative flair I was looking for. But it is simple and to the point. My board of directors  (i.e. Pete) says to keep it as simple as possible. I really wanted to continue with Merry we Meet, but with the addition of Memorial planning just didn’t seem appropriate. And I suppose that chapter needs to close considering all that is behind it. But damn. We spent so much time getting to that point. Oh well. one must move on. The last few weeks I’ve been working on branding and business plans. I want so badly to have all my ducks in a line before I put anything out, but of course, I didn’t. I think because it’s going to take a bit of time to round up some business it should work out just fine.  I’m waiting to hear back from the State on my name register. And then once I have that I can go get the business license. I think it’s just silly, but those are the rules. So hopefully next week I can do the license and background check. The business plan is pretty much done. I just have to do some final tweaks and it’s done. I’d just like to have it all in line when I go get this license….just in case they ask.

It’s been a lot of work but I had a lot of this already set up with Merry We Meet so it’s just a matter of changing a few things here and there.  But it’s been good to keep me occupied and get my mind rolling for some other projects I have thought of along the way. So I was a notary for Colorado for years (technically still am I suppose) But for Montana you can notarize for Wyoming and one of the Dakotas…I forget which one. I find that interesting.

I found some on line courses I’m taking. Figure why not. Just basic self improvement, business and brushing up on skills kind of things. The other thing I was toying with was learning another language. So I busted out the Duolingo app. I was going to start with the mother-tounges. I’ll do German first because it’s the easier of the lot for me. Then I’ll do Spanish, because well it makes sense. Let’s throw French in there.  But the real challenge is going to be Polish. Such a mess of a language. So I take the preliminary tests for these to see how I’ll do. German is obviously my strongest. I am shocked I remembered as much as I did. Spanish is 2nd. Polish is 3rd and French is 4th. Really? Well it’ll be fun. The real thing I want to do is learn Sign Language. I think that would be super fun to learn and may actually be helpful.

Well, I found out the pretty much the same symptoms from treatment are the same for menopause.  Yeah, that’s not helpful. So I don’t know if what I’m feeling is treatment related or menopausal related. I think I’m going to go with a little bit of both and hope that it all goes away soon. I mean it hasn’t been awful lately. In the beginning, it was bad and I was NOT a happy camper. Now I get the occasional hot flash, then get super cold (of course it has been sub-zero temperatures so that really may not be a factor).  I’ll get stiff when I sit too long. I have nausea and an over all feeling of blah. (this could be me fighting some cold too) But my arms and hands are always swollen (I also haven’t been eating a low sodium diet the last few weeks) So yeah, there’s no telling. So I’m going to just chalk it all up to the fact that I’m 47 and aging. I haven’t been going to the gym as much the past 2 weeks. Honestly, the reason is because it’s been too damn cold out and the roads are icy and I’m just not going out in that stuff to exercise. The truth hurts. I know I need to get over that.

Now we have our first support group meeting of the year tomorrow. The topic is “Reoccurrence.” Really? I have mixed feelings about going to this meeting. One one side, I don’t want to think about reoccurrence. I know it’s always a factor and outside of eating right and exercising and taking care of myself, I have no control over that. So why sit and worry over it. If it does happen what do you do….go back, see what treatments are available and go back into cancer mode. On the other hand, maybe there is some information or train of thought I don’t know about. Maybe it will be good information for me to keep in the back of my mind.  Most likely I will go because I enjoy seeing the group.

Here we go….

Jan5

I was sitting here thinking today….1 year ago was my last day in Colorado before the move to finally be with my husband in Montana. It was a year ago that I had a wonderful dinner with my son and we spent the evening painting the master bedroom and doing the final packing up of the car and everything before I left in the morning. It was a year ago that I hugged him in the entryway before he left and we cried. It was a year ago that I was so excited yet so sad at the same time. It was a year ago I was going to leave my baby behind and move on to the next chapter of our life…one that for the first time in 25 years didn’t include my only child.

Friday will be my one year anniversary of arriving in Missoula. I was thinking Friday will be the day I can pick up where I left off like the last year never happened. Then I realized all the “1 year ago today” scenarios were also coming.  They all start on the 19th when I first went to the drs here and they started to scramble to get me all these drs appointments the same day. The 25th anniversary of me giving birth to my son. I remember thinking as I was sitting in the drs office and they were calling surgeons and other doctors how surreal the whole thing was.

I have to try to find a way to not let this year of 1st anniversaries consume me in a negative way. I need to find a way to look at it as a positive.  I have to look at it as I’m alive and well. I’ve made it through to the other side. Another year in the books. I should be celebrating. I find myself mourning. It was such an emotion packed rough year. This day imparticular was devastating to me emotionally. But I made it through. I have to keep reminding myself that.

I didn’t go to the gym today because I feel like I need to get myself together emotionally today. And I didn’t sleep much because I was up all night worrying about the pipes freezing.  I have a follow-up radiology appointment tomorrow. Then I don’t have another oncology appointment until Valentine’s day. I still feel like I’m in limbo. I now need to dig down and find the strength to push myself through this limbo stage.

I know this sounds stupid, but I changed my cell phone number to try to help me mentally move on and not live in the past. Who knows if that will work. I’m sure on some level that makes sense.

 

First Change

Dec28

RANT! RANT! RANT! First. I know I say this a lot and

I know I say this a lot and I never quite follow through. I get sucked into the monster that is Facebook. The problem is I don’t want to unfriend anyone because I do like the people or at least find the people I’m friends with interesting and enjoy most of their commentary. I want to keep up with everyone to find out what is going on with them. I’m trying to limit the negativity in my life. Which considering everything going on in the world today is rather difficult at times. But I have noticed that some people tend to be a tad on the dramatic side and take everything to a whole level that I can’t quite deal with at this time. I get it that people are all up in arms about some topic or another. And I’m sure I am criticized at some point for not being vocal enough on the topics of the time. I have plenty to say about things that are going on. I just choose to not share those opinions on social media. Why? I mean it would be nice to express thoughts and then have a civil conversation with people on the topic. Agree or disagree. That would be fantastic. I could totally get into that. But it seems to me that so many people seem to be overly passionate to the point that they can’t call people by their actual names or group name; they have to throw an insult in there. What is the point of name calling? We get it, you don’t like or agree with that person or group. But what does that accomplish? Seems a bit on the childish side. And everyone is quick to point out how immature the other group is being when they are both doing it. So I choose to stay out of it. And venting to one another on Twitter or Facebook isn’t going to solve anything. I mean I don’t know. Maybe the government sits around and reads all the posts on FB tagged with certain words and then they go…”You know what? People aren’t happy. We should do something.” I’m thinking that happens as much as Jesus sits around seeing who has typed “Amen” to a meme.  So maybe all these people should actually do something…contact someone who can actually make something happen. And even if you do contact someone who can do something…you aren’t required to post it on Social Media so that you can make sure everyone knows that “You took a stand.” I mean if you want to post something to the effect of “Stand up and do something…contact XXX” Fantastic. Do that. But otherwise to me is like doing a good deed for someone anonymously then posting about it so everyone knows you did it. Why can’t people do things for themselves, not for “likes.”  Okay done with RANT! RANT! RANT!

Anyway, I’ve decided to try to limit the time I spend on Social Media for 2017. And by limit I mean check it like at the beginning or end of the day and that’s it. Honestly, if something major and life changing is happening in the world I have people that will text me about it. So Change 1.  Social Media time limited to 30 minutes at the beginning or end of the day. I think to help with this I’m going to take it off my phone and only check on my computer. This will make it easier for me to not be tempted.

I’ve been in a bit of a funk the last few weeks. I think everything is starting to catch up with me. I NEED A PLAN! LOL! because I can’t seem to function without structure and goals. That is one thing I’ve learned about myself this year. Totally need a schedule or I just wander off into la la land and accomplish nothing for days. So my second change is to come up with a schedule for myself and stick to it. And there lies the problem. Sticking to something. Finding will power. Heck. Finding the will. Maybe I should do the opposite for a change not over think everything and just do shit. I have always created these goals and plans and when I don’t follow through with them I feel like I’ve failed. Hmmm. So I need to either follow through with them or not create them to begin with.

I need to find some classes or volunteer work to start out. Eventually, I’ll need to find an actual job. But until then I need to fill up that time and not sit around and just wait for things to happen. So I guess that’s my other thing. Not sitting around waiting for life to come at me, to go out and get life and make shit happen. (honestly that’s the goal, but at this precise moment getting out of bed or off the couch is a huge victory)  I’ll get there, I just feel like I need some time to process all this and mourn (for lack of a better word). I don’t know, maybe I don’t and I need to stop being a drama queen and buck up and get off my ass and move on. I’m trying not to make the last year a big deal. But the more I think about it, the more I think it was kind of a big deal. But I can’t dwell on it. I have to say “Yep, that sucked, what’s next.”

I am truly grateful for my husband who has been so supportive and I know he’s trying to push me to move on and not get stuck here. But it’s a tough position for him to be in. I mean he has to time what he says just right so I don’t fly off the handle into some drama-laden rant about lord knows what. He should really get a medal or something for all this. I wish he had more support this last year. I can’t imagine what it was like to be in his shoes dealing with all that he had to deal with. I think he has come out stronger through all this as well. But I have to wonder. If I’m going through this transition chaos, he must be going through some sort of chaos of his own….most likely created by yours truly.

Hmmmm. So much to ponder….and that seemed to go off topic a bit.

What Next

Dec27

I’ve been sitting here the last few days trying to figure out what my next steps are. What exactly it is I need to do and what I want to do. I was told at one point to look at this as having a blank slate. So I sit here staring at a blank slate wondering what my first stroke will be. I may be over thinking this. I feel like whatever color I choose or shape I create will define the remainder of my life. Logically I know this isn’t true. But I think I’m putting unnecessary pressure on myself to make sure I do everything just right. It’s like I want this next chapter to be perfect. I know that isn’t right. If I have learned anything I should go in with 3 paint brushes in each hand all different colors and just go nuts. Of course, that’s kind of how I’ve always lived my life it seems. I’ve never had a specific direction. I’ve always just flown by the seat of my pants and wait to see where things take me. I’ve never had a plan.  Which is just crazy for someone who seems to always be planning something. So I’ve been really taking a look at my life and myself. It’s been hard to look at myself from an outside point of view. Being totally objective. Being without personal emotional attachment.

Through treatment, I had been in a bit of a daze. I just went and did what I was told. I didn’t have to think too much about what to do and where I was going. The only thing I needed to know and be aware of is getting through all of it. My whole thought process was very simple, “whatever needs to be done to get this out of my body and make sure it never comes back…let’s do that.” It was all very simple. The drugs from chemo really affected my brain function. Surgery really messed with my mental state. Radiation wore me down mentally and physically. I sit here a month and a half after everything slowly coming out of all this fog. I still have trouble verbally communicating. I have the thought in my head but I can’t think of all the words I’m supposed to use.  Sometimes I can’t think of the order the words are supposed to be in. It’s like my brain and verbal function is not connected sometimes. Other things I have issues with are planning and multitasking. I purposely decided to cook specific things this holiday season because cooking, I have found, helps with all those functions. I have to plan it out and then do things in a specific order and at a specific time. That has helped. Of course, if something goes wrong I panic and then I lose my ability to communicate and reason. On the up side, it has shown me exactly where my weaknesses are and what I need to work on. I’ve been doing a lot of word games to try to help this. I also found some other games that help with order and reasoning.

Physically, I go back and forth between extreme fatigue and wanting to run a marathon. The physical part I’m not as concerned about. I go and work out at least 3-4 times a week at this point. I run, walk, swim and stretch.  Coming up here soon I’ll be upping the work outs a bit more. Weights for my upper body are a tricky thing yet. I tried but I have to be very careful. If I do too much my whole upper body swells.  I figured the swimming will help the upper body some. And I did start to do planks. Eventually, my upper body will be strong enough to start adding weights on dry land. But for now, we keep it in the water.

I’m trying to look at things as positively and realistically as possible. If I were to say 2017 is going to be a fabulous year and there will be nothing but good things happening I would be delusional. I look at 2016 as the year of being torn down. This means 2017 is the year to rebuild. It’s not going to be easy. There are going to be some roadblocks (there always are). It’s going to be a tough road.  Another battle…a different battle. I have to set realistic expectations of myself. Just like “oh treatments over now, it’s done and you can go back to your life” isn’t a reality (although how nice would that be). In reality, it’s “now that treatment is over what the hell am I left with here and how can I make this work.” The major problem that I’m finding is my mental state. This is my biggest hurdle. I find that I don’t seem to care about the same things as much as I did before. My priorities have shifted. The question is have they shifted so much that I’m not going to be able to function. I think there is a balance I have to develop.

For 2017 there are going to be a lot of changes. I want to say I’m never going to look back, but sometimes you have to look back to see how far you have come. I think the key is to not dwell on the past. Look fondly at the experience regardless of what that experience was. Remember the lessons you have learned from it, extract anything that could be useful for a current situation or one you are faced with, and then let it go and move on. Never dwell on the negative and get lost in the details of what happened. I don’t want to live there again. I’m hoping that each year will get easier. Right now appointments are every 3 months. As they become every 6 months and hopefully every year I will be able to relax and find my new place in this life and create things I never thought were possible.  Whatever….Right now I have to try to figure out how to live with this cloud over my head. Maybe someday that will go away too.