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Crazy Ideas

Feb14

I said I wasn’t going to come back to this site, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this past year. I mean one can’t just end this! There is still more to the story.

I don’t want people to get the impression that once treatment is over that’s it. Since I’ve shared so much of myself through here, I should share all of it. The biggest thing is, what happens next? I mean you stop treatment and everything is back to normal. Far from it.

I try very hard to not let all of this define me. I don’t attend support group meetings anymore. I don’t talk about it much at all. Every now and again I may make a comment when someone doesn’t want to be bothered getting a mammogram. But its like I just want to pretend it never happened. It seems some people become all consumed and being a “survivor” consumes them. Others would rather no one knew. I would like to find a balance. I don’t want to be THAT person who makes everything about cancer. But I realize I can’t disregard it because its a part of who I am whether I like it or not. I still am being affected. As much as I’d like to say I’m 100% over it and everything is just like it was, I’d be lying.

2016 the year of cancer

2017 the year of recovery

2018 the year to rebuild

2019 the comeback

They say it takes a while to get back some sort of normal. I can honestly say that now coming up on year 3 I’m just feeling like the fog is being lifted a little more and things are becoming clearer. So my biggest piece of advice AC (after cancer) is to be kind and patient with yourself. Some things will eventually go back to normal, but a lot of things won’t, at least they haven’t for me yet!

Ultimately, I’d like people to find this so they find some comfort in the unknown. Yes, everyone’s journey is very different. No two people react the same. I just remember how scary and devastating everything is.

So here’s to the next section of the journey….

 

New Direction!

Mar25

Greetings all.

So I feel like I’ve come to an end of my journey here on this site. What started out as a blog to help me track my progress in getting healthy and getting in shape in my 40s turned into my cancer blog. It’s been a year and 4 months since treatment ended. So it’s time for me to move on. I feel like I’ve graduated to Diva at this point and no longer need the training!

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It has been fabulous to have an outlet through the whole cancer thing. I hope that I have helped and inspired at least one person who went through the same ordeal. As you can see from the picture, my hair is back, and with my prosthesis in you would never know I ever went through anything. Mentally I still have moments of panic. I still wonder what if. Every now and then I have a moment, especially when it’s something emotional. But for the most part, I’m good. I don’t cry every day anymore.  I don’t fear going to sleep because I think I’ll never wake up.  And I’m pretty sure if it comes back, it will be okay.

I’ve come to terms with the way my body is now and I’m really okay with it. People seem horrified when they find out I never had reconstruction. It’s okay. I quite enjoy taking the foobs off at the end of the day! I am not exhausted all the time like I was. I still have pain and days I don’t feel well. But I think between the medication and old age it’s about as good as it’s going to get. I can exercise, play tennis and I’m starting to add some weight to my workouts. I still have to stretch my arms and shoulders every day or they tighten up. I have to be careful what I eat because my chest area will swell. Yeah, that’s a new feature I’ve obtained. But it could be worse.

I feel like for the most part, I’m over all the after-effects of cancer and treatment. This is about as normal as I think it’s going to get! So I close the book on this chapter of my life and start a new one. I am moving over to www.erikasherek.com. Here I’ll be talking more about what I’m doing and my goals to get back in shape as well as the hobbies I have and the goings on at Sherek Acres!

I want to thank all of you for your support over the last few years. It has meant the world to me. This site will still be up for anyone who wants to reference anything or has questions. I am always available to answer questions or to just vent at! Hopefully, I won’t need to come back here except when I want to reflect. I’m banking on not having to add to this blog anymore!

Always be fabulous!!!!

Erika – Full Fledged Diva

 

 

The Silent Hell of Cancer After Treatment

Jan12

Everyone thinks that once you finish chemo, surgery and radiation it’s done. You go right back to normal and aren’t you the survivor for getting through all that. Yay you!. Well, I sometimes think during treatment is the easy part. They tell you where to go, what you are doing and why. You spend a year just doing what you are told and try to keep up your strength to make it all happen. Then treatment ends. And when it ends. It just ENDS! Sure, you go in for follow up appointments that you have panic attacks over starting a week before. But no one talks about all the physical damage that you are left to tend to.

Right after you finish treatment you have a few days of excitement because you are done. Then you start to freak out and get depressed and anxious because all of a sudden you have no one to tell you what to do and you have to pick up all the pieces and put your life back together. It takes a year or more to get your mental capacity to work correctly. Right about the time your mind starts to work you then realize that your body is an absolute mess.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my Med. Onc. We did bloodwork again because I have some numbers that are out of wack and we are trying to figure out why. But they ask you all these questions about pain, which in the past I’ve brushed off. Well, when you have ER/PR Positive breast cancer you get to take these really cool meds for the next 10 years. I got to be put on Aromasin (exemestane).  I started out doing Lupron shots every 6 months to stop my ovaries from producing estrogen, and then the Aromasin to inhibit any estrogen that is still being produced from other sources. There are side effects to all these. I was in a really bad place after my last Lupron shot. I was just miserable. So we decided to just remove my ovaries so I didn’t have to endure the lupron any longer. Fabulous. At this point, I’ve been in menopause for the last year. And when you don’t have any estrogen being produced in your body, it starts to break down and change.

Right now because of the extream bone and joint pain I have, I’m stopping the exemestane for a few weeks to see if it gets better. If it does then we are switching me to Tamoxifen. I’m kind of hoping that this happens because then I won’t have the bone pain for sure and my hair will get thicker. (in theory!!) Oh…when you take exemestane it thins your hair so you see your scalp. Although better than being bald, it’s just unnerving.  But Tamoxifen is supposed to strengthen bones. So that would be nice. I would love to move without pain!!

A major issue that no one talks about with breast cancer is what happens to the ladybits. One of the major drawbacks of not producing estrogen is vaginal dryness. And I’m not talking you can just use some cream and it’s better. We are talking full out atrophy. Imagine your lips chapped to the point where they are dry cracked and bleeding. It hurts to talk. Same premise. They tell you to use over the counter suppositories but for some people, it doesn’t work. Yay! I’m some people. Now we have to sit around and talk about my lady parts to everyone.

Let me just say that when you go through breast cancer you lose all your inhibitions about your body. You have had more people look at, examine, study and touch your breasts that it doesn’t phase you anymore. And once you don’t have any breasts it’s very strange because you still cover up and hide things and there is nothing to hide but two really big ugly scars and a huge brown/gray circle where the radiation was done. So you ALWAYS know exactly where it was! Yes, I’m a little bitter about the whole thing still. I was not given the option of reconstruction. I was told by all my Drs. that it would probably be best if I didn’t. I didn’t push it because honestly…I heard the surgery can really suck, especially when you weren’t set up for it after a DMX. And I do actually like not having to worry about them.

Okay so now we are going to talk about the only thing I have that distinguishes me as a woman (in my eyes). And that doesn’t even work anymore! It hurts to do everything! So they have this procedure called the Mona Lisa Touch. I have been told about it for the last year. At first, I blew it off because…I won’t need it! I’m too young to have to worry about this yet!. HA! You also just went through a year of hell and yeah…you need to worry about it. When I was having my ovaries removed my Dr. (bless his heart) said that it was really bad and there was no discussion. I had to have this done. Okay. sign me up let’s do it. I had to wait until after my surgery to schedule it so I could heal from that.

Let me just explain. Insurance does not pay for this. As I was told…When the machine and technique came over to the US they didn’t want to have to wait for all the correct paperwork and regulations so they designated it under “cosmetic.” And insurance won’t pay for anything “cosmetic.” My argument is that if you are a cancer patient and insurance will pay for reconstruction of breasts…which is cosmeitc….they should pay for the reconstruction of your lady parts! But I digress.

I was told that it took like 5 minutes and was painless. Your initial treatments are 3 sessions 6 weeks apart and then once a year for maintenance. Okay. No problem. It costs $1950 for the first 3. $750 for each individual treatment. Well, okay, let’s do it.

I go in for my appointment. They explain what everything is and how it works. Basically, it’s like microdermabrasion on your ladybits….inside and out….with a laser. The whole thing is to remove the layer of skin that is atrophied so it can produce collagen and become healthy. Great!  There is a metal cylinder with markings on it, the actual machine and then a vacuum to suck up the flying debris of skin. Doesn’t this sound like it’s going to be fun?

They put a lidocaine cream over your bits and let you sit there for 7-10 minutes so you numb up. (wait…why do you need to numb anything…I thought this was painless!!!)

They come back and ask if you can feel anything. I’m like, um, yeah I still can. Well, my bits are atrophied to the point where I guess we are not going to get all the way numb. Yay! At this point, I’m super excited about the whole thing. They give you some cool glasses and a mask to put on. Of course, I ask why we are doing this. And it’s because of cells flying and well…this laser.

The first thing they do is a pH test. Evidentally the pH level of the vaginal area should be between 3.5-4.0. Who knew. Mine was 7.4. Yep….not good. As we do each procedure the pH level should go down as everything gets health, er.

Okay lets do this! They insert the cylinder. Fantastic. Then they insert this other thing that has the laser and also vibrates. It’s a very bizarre feeling, but it doesn’t hurt. Whew! Up until this point, I’m good. Then they start.  You’ve got the Dr doing the procedure and the nurse assisting. They start inside at the top and work their way down. For the most part, it was fine, every now and then it felt like either a pinprick or someone dragging a string along your skin. So I’m like, this is doable. Then they get towards the end. This is also where it’s the worst. And OMG. I felt it. Now I couldn’t feel all of it, just the parts that were super bad. Take that same pin, switch it to a larger needle and start jabbing. I jumped a few times, but it was tolerable. The last part they do is outside the vaginal canal. They go from the clitoris down to the perineum and everything in-between. It wasn’t excruciating, but it wasn’t pleasant either. I held my breath the whole time and I do have nail marks on my hands from holding them together. They did ask if I wanted to take a break at any point, and I said no. I didn’t curse at the Doc and tell him off…so it wasn’t completely awful.

When you are done they give you an ice pack. Yep. ice is good. It’s hot, it burns. This goes away after a few hours. Then you apply Aquaphor for the next few days. (no baths, clean the area 2-3 times a day and keep it moisturized while it heals) The whole thing from start to finish took about 30 minutes. So a little different than that 5 minutes mark they say.

Afterwards, my poor doctor just felt so bad that I was in any discomfort or pain. It so wasn’t his fault. I mean. the nurses who have reached menopause who had it done did not have the same experience I did. They did not have any pain and it didn’t take as long. I think if you are getting it done due to cancer treatments it’s not going to be a la la walk in the park. I mean why would it be. When you go into menopause naturally it’s gradual and your body has time to adjust. When you go into menopause medically, BOOM! You’re here! No gradual anything and it’s a lot harder on your body. Besides chemo and the medication you are on amplifies everything. So just keep in mind when these nurses say they had it done and it’s a piece of cake, they are coming from a different place than anyone coming from Cancerland.

When I got home I laid down with my ice pack and just rested. I did take some ibuprofen to help with the pain and discomfort. I removed the icepack about 5 hours after the procedure. Oh and the first time you have to go to the bathroom it hurts like a bitch! Sleeping was a bit uncomfortable. There will be blood so don’t freak out. That’s normal. And it doesn’t last. I mean, you just got a layer of skin obliterated from your body…

Today, as expected, everything is itchy and uncomfortable. No pain though, just a mild stinging that is like when you have a sunburn. I’ll lay low today and tomorrow should be even better.

I do believe that the next session will not be like this. I think it’s like when you get a really bad sunburn and the first time you put anything on it, it hurts like a bugger and then it gets better each time you do it. I do believe that the next procedure will have less pain and won’t take as long. But of course you know that I will do anothe update!

The next step in become a real girl again.

If anyone has any questions about anything please don’t hesitate to ask.

DX: 2/9/16 | Breast Cancer | Stage 3B | Chemo – DMX – RAD | NED: 11/7/16

 

I recently had a friend who made a comment about being at a store and a lady in front of her started talking to her about how she just had this procedure done. My friend was appalled that anyone would talk about something like this and with a complete stranger. I know to normal people it seems very odd. But until you go through it, you can’t possibly understand. When you have been in pain and suffering and you finally get a treatment to end it, it’s amazing. You are so excited that you do want to share with everyone. The fact that this is available to women and we don’t have to suffer in silence anymore is major. All I keep thinking about is all the women who can’t afford this and continue to suffer because insurance won’t pay for the treatment. It’s a very emotional subject that women haven’t been able to talk about. I feel so blessed that this treatment is available to me and that I’m in a situation that I can afford it.

I’ve got to do some research to see if there is any assistance for women to get this done. Noone should have to suffer.

 

Reality has set in

Dec2

I’ve been kind of depressed the last few weeks. I don’t know what triggered it. Surgery, the weather, the holidays. I’m sure all the above. When I get like this I either throw myself into work or stay in bed and binge watch TV. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been doing both. Now, I stay in bed with my laptop and work while I binge watch. Fantastic.  One of the things that has been weighing on my mind lately is life after Cancer. During treatment it was physical. I was so drugged up I really had no idea what was going on. I would be lying if I said I remembered 2016. It’s like a dream. When I say it was physical, I refer to the treatment and the surgery and radiation, so draining on a physical level. Spending all that time in the gym to keep myself going.

Physically I’m trying to accept some of the aftermaths of 2016. My hair is growing, but it’s not as thick as it was. I still don’t have breasts and never will. The scars are “healing nicely.” I have very mixed feelings about that part still. On one hand, it’s really nice not downloadhaving them. I have prosthesis that I wear sometimes and the joy of taking those things off when I get home is wonderful. The scars are ugly and make me sad. It’s a constant reminder of the hell. I don’t feel the least bit attractive, and it’s really hard to feel any sort of sensuality. This is one of those things I’m really trying to work through. The other thing is I don’t have hormones anymore. The big one being estrogen. So this makes any bit of intimacy a challenge, to say the least. So mentally this has been a hard obstacle to get over. I’m going to have the Mona Lisa procedure done after the first of the year and I hear that makes everything better. So that part is temporary. I don’t think that ER/PR positive cancer patients should have to pay for the procedure. I think it should be part of treatment. They take away just about everything that defines you as a woman. Insurance will cover breast reconstruction but they won’t make it so you can have a sex life or not have constant UTIs? Well, that’s great. Obviously having breasts are more important than normal functions. That seems fair. I’m sure I will express my opinion on this matter coming up to people who don’t care. Then there is the pain that still goes on. The bone pain. The kidney pain. The liver pain. The intestinal pain. The hot flashes and all that is getting better, but it’s very strange to be hot and cold at the same time.

With all these physical things I’m dealing with it’s really messing with my mental state. download (3)In addition to all this, I’m trying so hard to accept and get used to, we are in winter, where the sun doesn’t come out. It’s always overcast. So it’s dark and cold. That does not help my mood. And the holidays. Deep down I love the holiday season. But I am in such a place mentally that it’s very confusing. So how the hell am I going to get past this? I mean I know in 2016 I would have my breakdown that I couldn’t do this anymore and then I would be fine. Last night I had a total meltdown and started to think the same way. But then I’m like, You’ve come this far, don’t let THIS beat you.

I wasn’t going to decorate this year, but then I started thinking about it. I need to. I need to be surrounded by things that make me happy (and sad too). I need to look at all these things I made to remind me that I can do things and I am good at things. I’ve spent the last year in the event community and everyone seems so good at the decorating and making things. I mean I look at everyone’s pictures and I’m amazed. I think why can’t I do that kind of thing. Why don’t I have that talent? It’s so easy for me to think I’m not good at stuff. (yes this is part of my downward spiral all related to the above…if you were wondering how this ties in). So as I’m pulling out the Christmas decorations, I’m looking at stuff and I’m like, wow! that’s awesome. I then look through pictures of things I have done and made. And you know, I’m just as good as these other people. And professional pictures can usually make anything look good with the right lighting and angles. (Just say’n)

Okay so while I’m sitting here having my pity party and trying to give myself a pep talk, I’m thinking, how can I get my shit together? Whereas 2016 was physical and I don’t remember anything, 2017 has been very mental and I feel like I’m all over the place. It’s like in 2017 we took all my feelings and emotions and threw them up in the air and download (2)scattered them everywhere. People ask me how I am or how I feel, and of course I say fine, but honestly, I don’t know. So all I know is I have to find a way to keep pushing through. It’s so funny because people forget. When you are going through treatment everyone is pulling for you and then you end treatment and is like…oh….she made it, she’s fine. No, really. I’m not. But hey, thanks for not asking.

I am finding myself going back to some of my old ways. Like I want to try to help people as much as I can. I extend myself and go out of my way to talk to people and be of assistance. Well, I need to stop. I also need to stop caring about what other people think. I do have to say 2016 was great for that…I didn’t give two shits about anyone or anything, or how they felt. Wasn’t important. So as I come out of the fog, I’m starting to care again. Maybe I should write a post: Things I learned from Cancer! So, I’m not going to try to help people anymore unless they specifically ask. Obviously, for certain organizations and stuff I will, but not individuals. The biggest thing I learned from my cancer experience is 1. put yourself first. 2. who cares what people say or think. I quite enjoyed not being part of the drama. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t give a shit.

I’m hoping that things start to balance out a little more in 2018. I’m not asking for complete normalcy because that’s just not going to happen. I have to realize that there are still some things that are not forever. After I have this procedure that should make the world of difference and one less issue to deal with. (Mona Lisa Touch….look it up. if you are going through Menopause or have had a full hysterectomy or you have gone through cancer treatment look into this. I’ve heard amazing life changing stories! And yes I will give a full report once I’m done!) That will be one down. I really need to get back to the gym. I think my lack of energy and depression has to do with my ladownload (1)ck of exercise lately. I’m at about 85% from my last surgery (Had oophorectomy so I could stop taking the Lupron shots and be less miserable) So that will help with that. The breast thing. I’m just going to have to deal and embrace it. If you are asking…”why don’t you just have reconstruction done if it bothers you so much?” Well…I’ve heard a lot of stories about it and I’m choosing the lesser of the two evils. I don’t have any extra skin so they would have to graph it and the expanders and the possibility of tubes again, and the pain. No thanks. I’ve heard and seen some pretty awful horror stories about reconstruction after double mastectomy and I will NEVER volunteer to have a surgery done that could cause more problems than not.

Okay so I know where I need to be and how to get there. Now it’s a matter of following through. But as usual….I got this!

1 Year Later

Nov13

Just completed my first year out of treatment. The entire thing is still very surreal. I go back and forth between normalcy and my world being upside down. When I first stopped treatment I had this idea that everything is over and that’s it. I can just go back to the way things were. But I quickly realize that is far from the case. There are so many transitions to go through. I have just spent the last year being told where to go and what to do, people encouraging me and treating me like I was going to break. Then it all stops 20161107_121028and you are left with a bunch of broken pieces and what to do with them. I wanted so badly to just put it all behind me and just forget that it ever happened. I mean if I take this approach then things will go back to normal faster. And for a bit, it went well. I just pretended that it never happened. I would not bring it up because if I didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t real. Then I had to go to a doctors appointment. I was getting Lupron shots every 6 months and I had to sit in the infusion room with all these sick people. I would do fine until the infusion machine beeped. This brought everything back down to reality and I had to face the fact that yes, this all did happen and you have a lot to deal with. I would come out of these appointments a total mess. I would sit and cry for days confused not knowing what the heck to do. Besides the emotional aspect of this, there were the physical side effects from this shot I had forgotten about. It’s amazing how short my memory has become to certain things lately.

This last appointment was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. (odd saying) But I was just an absolute mess afterward. Could I deal with this up and down rollercoaster of emotion for the next 9 years? Could my husband deal with all this for the next 9 years? No. So we talked about what we could do to avoid this. And we decided that it would be best to just take the ovaries out. This way I wouldn’t have to deal with these shots anymore. In one way I felt like maybe this was a cop-out.  Instead of facing all this treatment and what had happened, I was running from it. After many conversations with the doctors and my husband, I came to realize that it was not that at all. Why go through this torment every 6 months for such a long span of time? But yay, another surgery. I promised myself under no circumstances would I have surgery unless I absolutely needed it. Well, this was one that was in the best interest of myself and those around me, so surgery was scheduled. There were concerns about how my body would react, but co

nsidering the shots were keeping my ovaries from doing anything anyway, there would really be no change. We are already depleting my body of all estrogen anyway, so why not.

On the anniversary of my, one year out of treatment surgery was scheduled. What a way to celebrate. It wasn’t going to be a major surgery in the sense that I would go home the same day. It would be just like when I had the hysterectomy but not as bad. I could

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deal with that. Surgery this time was very different. Maybe because they got me in and out super fast. But I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t freaked out like I usually am. I got to do my wave to the OR and the song that was playing that I sang until they knocked me out was “Whoop! There it is!” Which was perfect! I had been a little freaked the night before since the last surgery was a bit traumatic. But I woke up in recovery, then got dressed and went home. Sat my ass on the couch for a week (still there part-time). Can’t lay down flat for too long yet, so I’m still sleeping on the couch. Which beats the chair I was in for 3 months last surgery!

So as I’m sitting here in recovery, I have a lot of time to ponder. But you know me, I’ve been working the last week…I’m sure that’s not necessarily a good idea! I start to feel normal and then something triggers me and makes me remember all the horrible things. I look at my body and it’s a constant reminder. There are some days when I just don’t want to deal and I can’t wrap my head around all of this. I still ask why. Then there are other days I can totally cope and I’m going to conquer the world. I suppose looking at all this I’ve come a long way the last year. But I realize I still have a long way to go. When you are in treatment everyone is engaged and you have that support behind you. When you finish treatment you are left to figure it out on your own. Now I know some people are thinking…no you don’t! Lean on friends or go talk to someone…you don’t have to go this alone! Well, yes and no. Unless you have been through it you may not quite understand what I mean by “figuring it out on your own.” But ultimately that’s what it comes down to.

Now on to the next stage. I would say last stage, but I’m pretty sure that there will be more after this one. I have to try to not overthink. I really do get caught up in the “WHYYYYY… WHYYYY MEEEEEE????” (Nancy Kerrigan reference real quick) There is my logical brain that says, shit like this just happens. You didn’t do anything specific. There is nothing you could have done differently to avoid this. But there is the other side that doesn’t buy it. Maybe had I….(fill in the blank). Well, one thing I do know…is I’m back at a rebuild and start over stage. Yay! I’m getting good at this part.

I just have to mention something real quick here. When I started writing this I automatically write in the 2nd or 3rd person. Which I find very interesting. For me to write any of this in the first person these days is a step towards acceptance. May not seem like a big deal to some, but for me, it’s an emotional barrier that I have crossed. I’m allowing myself to admit that this has happened. I’m giving my permission to myself that this is who I am. And it’s okay.

Getting sucked back in….

Oct18

Last week  I had to go in for my Lupron shot. Which is always a pleasant experience. Not down with having to sit in the infusion room while you wait. It’s like they put you there on purpose so you get to relive every painstaking moment you went through in Chemo. At first I don’t sit in the treatment chairs because in my mind I’m NOT a chemo patient and those chairs are specifically reserved for PATIENTS. Then you realize after a bit that you had better sit in the chair or else they will never get to you. So you take a deep breath and sit in the chair.  I was doing totally fine until the infusion machine started to beep. You know after awhile you forget about that beep. Until you hear it again. For those of you who don’t know. The infusion machine beeps when the drug is done.  So when you are in chemo you are there for like 4-5 hours and go through like 4 different bags of drugs. It’s a total PTSD thing.

Well, I know that every time I get this shot I’m a miserable mess for like 3 days afterward! Well, this time it was just unbearable.  I kept trying to decide if I want to do 9 more years of this. I had my appointment with the GYN on Monday and we decided that this surgery would be the best overall treatment. I mean, yes it’s not ideal, but the benefits outweigh the negatives. So I guess we’ll see!

I really need to get this eating sugar thing back under control. It’s bad. I literally have no control over this. I’m going to have to lock myself in a room for 3 days and go through the withdraws or something. It makes me sick every time I do it so you would think I would just stop. I was doing pretty good this week. Then I went to support group today because I hadn’t been in awhile and it’s the annual Breast Cancer celebration. Well, there were brownies. I had like 2 of them. Yes, they were good, but I got the worst hot flashes afterward and about passed out. It’s really not worth it to eat that sort of thing anymore. Which really makes me sad because I love it. But I think it is now to the point where it may be a serious issue. So much for my normal streak!

I have parties to go to in the next few months! How to be social and not offend everyone when you can’t drink alcohol or eat junk food! Here’s where the willpower, mind over matter thing comes in. UGH!

In other news, I am trying to design a booth for the upcoming Bridal Fair in November. I think I kind of have an idea. Now it’s just making that vision come to life. So the next week or so should be kind of fun. I’m still fighting with the SEO. Seems I have to Blog on a regular basis. I’m so not good at that! I guess I’m going to have to learn and accept it.

It Never Ends

Oct13

I went to Las Vegas for the Wedding MBA conference. Learned so much. I’m putting together a plan to implement all of this stuff. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I’m hoping it will all pay off in the end!

So I had a drs appointment to get my 6 month Lupron shot. It’s such a pleasant experience (sarcasm). But I had to insist on them doing bloodwork since I haven’t had anything done since I finished treatment and I’ve felt a little off. Drives me nuts that I had to insist. So I got my blood drawn and the results came back. Not exactly stellar results. Lots of high numbers and some low ones. They are putting me on the super dose of Vitamin D. Seems I’m having liver/kidney/bone issues. I go back in a few weeks to get my blood drawn again to see if the D helps with anything. And if not we figure out what to do next. But I have an appointment on Monday with my GYN to see if we can remove the ovaries so I don’t have to keep taking this awful shot every 6 months.

I’m trying not to let my imagination run rampant. I already made the mistake of looking things up on the internet. And of course, I didn’t find anything overly positive of course. Well. What are you going to do I suppose… Now I’ll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what I can do to make this better. Of course, if I have learned anything it’s not to get freaked out until you know anything. So I’m going to just not worry about it until I get the results back from the next blood test and then we’ll take it from there.

I have been rather lax the last few months though. I’ve been trying to pretend none of this happened and tried to just be normal. And this is what happens when we play “normal” I suppose. So I go back to being overly cautious about what I eat and back on my exercise kick. I’m not going to lie. I’m a bit down because of it. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. But that’s not realistic. I’m really not digging this new normal crap at all. It’s a lot of work. Well, I guess I’m going to spend today trying to figure out how to balance all this and how to save my liver, kidneys, and bones in the process.

The dr had mentioned a bone treatment Zometa to help with the bone issue before I had my blood work done. But I’m not sure about it yet. I’m still thinking about it. I’m not digging going back to the infusion lab on a regular basis and an IV once a month. But it’s hard on the kidneys and liver soooooo….not sure if this is going to be an option now.  Well again….I guess it will all get figured out over the next few weeks.

Yay! I guess this will still fall into my overall grand plan. Healthy…blah blah blah…..

Happy Anniversary!

Jun29

One year ago today I had my double mastectomy. I didn’t think I would get emotional, and then the “on this day” post came up on the Facebook feed. As I was reading the updates and words of encouragement, and them my first response out of surgery “Nastiiieeee, yay crackers.”, I started to ponder the feelings and emotions from that day. I have to say I had never been so terrified in my life. The entire experience is kind of a blur. I remember the tears rolling down my face and trying not to panic as they put me under. So many different thoughts and emotions and then just being numb. I remember waking up in my room, not having remembered a thing from being in the recovery room. I remember how sick I felt and how I had never experienced pain like this before. I remember feeling like I hit rock bottom. Hairless, flat chested and unable to think straight. Tubes hanging out of my sides and unable to feel anything, physically and emotionally. People trying to comfort me but there was no comfort to be had. Feeling like everything was taken away from me. The realization that I was literally going to have to rebuild myself from the ground up.

If ever there was a darkest time in my life, this would be that time. Only those who have gone through this can relate, although others would tell me about their surgeries and time in the hospital. And those people who reassured me that I would have reconstruction before I knew it so it wasn’t that big of a deal. The jokes about all this to get a new set of boobs. Realizing how utterly ignorant people were.

So here I am 1 year later. I am still not a candidate for reconstruction. And I’m really okay with it. I still have numbness where the scars are and the surrounding area. I still get pains in my chest and under my arms. I still freak out with feeling the clips and scar tissue wondering for a brief moment if I’m going to have to face round two.

The psychological part of all this is getting better. I’m getting used to my new body and rolling with the changes of new normal. I still don’t have the upper body strength or range of motion I once had, but I’m working on it and it all gets better every day. I do yoga once a week (which I really need to do it more). I’ve started to lift weights (about 20 lbs).  I’ve had a few setbacks over the last year, but I’m definitely better than I was! I would estimate that I’m at about 75% at this point.  (physically and mentally)

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t talk about any of this anymore. I’m trying not to dwell in the past. Now I’m not saying that I will ever forget any of this, I am just trying to move forward. When I was going through everything I was very open about every step. Now I find myself keeping much if it to myself. This last year has been a very exhausting journey personally. I think I’m not sharing as much because I don’t want to use it as a crutch and people just get sick and tired of hearing about it. But mostly because it’s been such a personal growth experience for me.

The further away it gets the less real it seems to have been. I know over the years, people will forget. People will never realize the impact and the pain and the struggle. There are still times when I feel so completely alone because of all of this. The friends and family that have fizzled away. Those who are bothered that I’m not quite the same person as I once was. Those who can’t understand why I sometimes get quiet and lose myself in thought. Why sometimes I think about it and just break down because it is still so overwhelming.

So I will celebrate the anniversaries over the years, and look back to remember the struggle and how far I have come. I will celebrate how I overcame so much in one year.  I will celebrate how it has shaped me emotionally and physically. And I will celebrate being alive.

 

May Update

May21

I guess I’m only going to update once a month these days. I’m kind of slacking, but, in my defense, I’ve been super busy with things. So it’s been kind of crazy. So let’s see what’s gone on the last 2 months!

Business: Geeze. So much work. I pretty much have most everything in place. I’m working on a few other ideas I have. Weddings seem to be taking precedence over everything right now for some reason. I have everything up on WeddingWire and a few other sites. I have all my forms and processes pretty much down. I just have to finish my Wedding Workbook for clients. I think I’m going to include it in full planning and be purchased for any other package. The website is pretty much done. I have to work on the SEO side of it right now. But there is also the Boutique that needs to be added. That’s going to be something I work on for next year I think.  I have 2 weddings booked for July at this point and a meeting for one next August. So the wedding side of thing is starting to move along. The next thing I want to tackle is the Funeral portion. and then finally the social. I’ll do corporate events but I don’t know that I’m going to promote it a whole lot. We’ll see how things plan out.  So in addition to all this planning stuff, I’m working on my Signing Agent Certification. I have to do a little more research with this. I have some time.  The more I think about things the more I think I need to start pushing the boutique a little sooner than later.  I have so many ideas on what I want to do and I’m kinda just going for it all. I will have my empire before too long!

Health: Eh. I’ve actually been doing pretty good. Had my lupron shot last month and it was ugly for a few days, but not nearly as bad as before. But I am getting to the gym at least 4 days a week. Pilates and yoga on the weekend and eating half way decent. And then this week hit. OMG, I’ve been down all week. I blame it on the airplane! That’s the only viable explanation.  So once I get past this I can get back on track. It’s driving me nuts to not be able to do what I want to do! It started with a sore throat, then the fever blisters, then coughing. So much coughing. Then the left eye got all red, swollen, itchy and burning. Then the other eye got the same way. So my eyes are all leaky and get stuck shut. But what’s funny now is, Pete asked me how I was yesterday and my automatic response was “I’ve felt worse.” As much as I’m not a fan of being sick, I’m just glad I didn’t get this while I was in treatment. Things may have turned out a bit different.

Family: Went to go see the kids for mothers day last weekend. I had a wonderful time. It was nice to just hang out and be included in their lives for a few days. I got to spend time with each of them separately and together. I got to watch my son play hockey. It honestly couldn’t have been more wonderful.

So I know the last time I posted I gave myself some “homework” to do. Which for the most part I did stick to. The only thing I really didn’t stick with was the no sugar thing. That’s really hard. But I’m going to keep trying until it sticks. Not in my nature to give up on things. Well, that’s not entirely true. This is my struggle. I feel like I’m always the one that is reaching out to certain people to check in with them. It’s like I’m forcing to keep some sort of relationship. I think it’s harder when those people are family. I mean it’s obvious that they don’t think or care enough about me to just take 20 seconds to just say hi. So why do I continue? I understand that life gets busy and it’s hard to keep up sometimes. But in this day and age with email, texting and social media, I just don’t buy it. If you want to have someone in your life regardless of the miles between you, you will make an effort. But I think you have to come to the realization at some point that not everyone wants YOU in THEIR life. And as sad as that is to me, I think it’s okay. A friend posted something that made me think: “I don’t care about losing people that don’t want to be in my life anymore. I’ve lost people that mean the world to me and I’m doing just fine”

Because I’m not very good at giving up, I feel the same way about people. I don’t like to give up on them. I always have the idea that maybe they are going through a rough patch and they should know that no matter what I will be there if and when they need me. But another part of me is like, come on, other people don’t do that for me, so why should I do it for them. Life is too short to waste time on people who don’t appreciate you. It’s part of my “I have to please everyone” syndrome. Guess that’s something I need to figure out. You know when I was going through treatment, it was the first time in my life I put myself first above everyone else. Becuase I had to. And it seems that having done that I lost some people along the way. I guess I need to take the rose-colored glasses off and see things (and people) for who they really are. I need to focus on all those people who stuck with me and who I realized truly cared. These are the people I need to give my time and energy to.

So again things for me to work on…

  1. keep exercising!
  2. keep eating lots of fruit and vegetables
  3. stay away from added sugars
  4. once a week journal and blog! (personal and professional) I struggle with this!
  5. Appreciate the right people in your life

Updates and fun things

Apr1

I updated my hair chronicles and I didn’t realize I haven’t posted since the end of January. So Here we are 10 months post chemo, 9 months post surgery and almost 5 months since radiation and treatment ended. Seems like a complete life ago. I still tell people I just moved here because I really don’t remember 2016 at all. And as I sit here in do taxes it’s been a challenge to come to the realization that 2016 did, in fact, happen regardless if I was in it or not.

The end of January I decided I was going to register with the staffing agency to see if I can get warmed up and stop sitting around the house. I was very apprehensive about starting any type of job…with people…because I really didn’t feel like my mind was altogether there quite yet. I spent a lot of time doing word games and mind games on the computer. Brain exercises if you will. But I was convinced the only way to truly exercise my brain and get it back together was to get out there and use it in real world situations. On February 3rd I started a temp job. It was doing HR stuff so basically what I was doing before I left Colorado. So something familiar. That was good.  It was nice to talk to people on the phone. I realized when I do interviews now I view them very differently.  Every interview that I do I learn something from. Even when interviewing for an intern position.  In fact, I think I have learned more from the younger men and women around here than the seasoned ones.  It’ has been a good experience for me to get back into the swing of things. Remind me what I like and don’t like if that’s changed. And tested my patience. I have to admit. At first, I had way more patience than I do now. I found myself getting into old mindsets and old habits. For a few days, I was very disappointed in myself because I hadn’t seemed to learn much of anything over the past year. I stopped working out as much. I stopped going to support group. I stopped eating right. I stopped journaling. I stopped listening to my body.  And just the other day I did something that I am completely ashamed of which made me stop in my tracks. I had signed up for a Living Art class for current and former cancer patients.  It is a 6-week course that is supposed to give you your “me time” and help with the mental journey. The night I was supposed to start, I got held up at work and made the decision to pick work over this class. So there we have it. I had learned absolutely nothing. I went right back to putting a job (a temp job mind you) ahead of my own self and well-being.  As I was updating my hair post I started reading some of my old entries and it brought me back down to the reality of it all.  This assignment ends this Friday. Although I wish I could just stay there, I think it’s best for me to take a step back and regroup. Take what I’ve learned these last 2 months and really think about things.

So in the midst of all this, I’m trying to get this business started. As I get deeper into it, I’m starting to come up with more idea on how I can truly make this a viable business. Of course, now I want to change the entire look and feel of my website. I decided I don’t like it anymore. It’s just BASIC! So I have to see what I can do. I need new and fresh and it’s kinda clunky and awkward I think. And as much as I LOVE flowers I need to not have them maybe so prominent on my page.  So I’m going to do that this weekend while I rest from doing taxes (yes I wait longer than I should)

We did start doing Pilates on Saturday mornings and Yoga on Sunday mornings. Um yeah. So pilates is hard. Yoga is hard. I’m sore for like 3 days afterward. But I’m getting back on track here. With my theme of picking up where I left off a year ago, I’ve got my exercise schedule all figured out. And today is day one with no sugar. For the record, I want to rip eyes out. When I say no sugar I’m talking, besides the obvious of anything with refined sugar in it, but bread and anything that has added sugar in it. Like there is some kick-ass potato salad in the refrigerator right now I would love to get into. But I must be strong. I am only asking myself for 30 days. The month of April. Nothing but vegetables, fruit, meat, legumes, some olive oil and of course spices.  So I usually use myfitnesspal. And as much as I love it. And will probably still update it, I got this book to track everything. I’m a tactile person and the act of physically writing down what goes in my mouth and seeing it a certain way on paper works better for me. (Thanks Pam!)

Now the last time I did this I started out for 30 days and ended up going 3 months and lost 30 pounds and felt wonderful. I didn’t feel great the first few weeks, but I had so much more energy.  I believe some of my very first posts on this blog were surrounding this program. I’m sure if I went back and read them I would read something to the effect of “I will never do this again as long as I live!” So much drama.

My pledge to myself is for 30 days:

  1. No sugar added into anything. (Vegetables, Fruit, Meat and legumes)
  2. Track everything that goes into my mouth! (don’t be nastiiieee!)
  3. Exercise at least 4 days a week
  4. Journal every day. I need to get my thoughts down and out of my head!
  5. Blog once a week on something here.  (I also have to start blogging for my business site)
  6. DO NOT GET ON A SCALE!
  7. Get at least 8 hours of sleep. Easier said than done but this means basically that I need to actually go to bed at a decent hour during the week.

They say it takes something like 21 days to form a habit. I don’t know we’ll see.