I’ve been kind of depressed the last few weeks. I don’t know what triggered it. Surgery, the weather, the holidays. I’m sure all the above. When I get like this I either throw myself into work or stay in bed and binge watch TV. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been doing both. Now, I stay in bed with my laptop and work while I binge watch. Fantastic.  One of the things that has been weighing on my mind lately is life after Cancer. During treatment it was physical. I was so drugged up I really had no idea what was going on. I would be lying if I said I remembered 2016. It’s like a dream. When I say it was physical, I refer to the treatment and the surgery and radiation, so draining on a physical level. Spending all that time in the gym to keep myself going.

Physically I’m trying to accept some of the aftermaths of 2016. My hair is growing, but it’s not as thick as it was. I still don’t have breasts and never will. The scars are “healing nicely.” I have very mixed feelings about that part still. On one hand, it’s really nice not having them. I have prosthesis that I wear sometimes and the joy of taking those things off when I get home is wonderful. The scars are ugly and make me sad. It’s a constant reminder of the hell. I don’t feel the least bit attractive, and it’s really hard to feel any sort of sensuality. This is one of those things I’m really trying to work through. The other thing is I don’t have hormones anymore. The big one being estrogen. So this makes any bit of intimacy a challenge, to say the least. So mentally this has been a hard obstacle to get over. I’m going to have the Mona Lisa procedure done after the first of the year and I hear that makes everything better. So that part is temporary. I don’t think that ER/PR positive cancer patients should have to pay for the procedure. I think it should be part of treatment. They take away just about everything that defines you as a woman. Insurance will cover breast reconstruction but they won’t make it so you can have a sex life or not have constant UTIs? Well, that’s great. Obviously having breasts are more important than normal functions. That seems fair. I’m sure I will express my opinion on this matter coming up to people who don’t care. Then there is the pain that still goes on. The bone pain. The kidney pain. The liver pain. The intestinal pain. The hot flashes and all that is getting better, but it’s very strange to be hot and cold at the same time.

With all these physical things I’m dealing with it’s really messing with my mental state. In addition to all this, I’m trying so hard to accept and get used to, we are in winter, where the sun doesn’t come out. It’s always overcast. So it’s dark and cold. That does not help my mood. And the holidays. Deep down I love the holiday season. But I am in such a place mentally that it’s very confusing. So how the hell am I going to get past this? I mean I know in 2016 I would have my breakdown that I couldn’t do this anymore and then I would be fine. Last night I had a total meltdown and started to think the same way. But then I’m like, You’ve come this far, don’t let THIS beat you.

I wasn’t going to decorate this year, but then I started thinking about it. I need to. I need to be surrounded by things that make me happy (and sad too). I need to look at all these things I made to remind me that I can do things and I am good at things. I’ve spent the last year in the event community and everyone seems so good at the decorating and making things. I mean I look at everyone’s pictures and I’m amazed. I think why can’t I do that kind of thing. Why don’t I have that talent? It’s so easy for me to think I’m not good at stuff. (yes this is part of my downward spiral all related to the above…if you were wondering how this ties in). So as I’m pulling out the Christmas decorations, I’m looking at stuff and I’m like, wow! that’s awesome. I then look through pictures of things I have done and made. And you know, I’m just as good as these other people. And professional pictures can usually make anything look good with the right lighting and angles. (Just say’n)

Okay so while I’m sitting here having my pity party and trying to give myself a pep talk, I’m thinking, how can I get my shit together? Whereas 2016 was physical and I don’t remember anything, 2017 has been very mental and I feel like I’m all over the place. It’s like in 2017 we took all my feelings and emotions and threw them up in the air and scattered them everywhere. People ask me how I am or how I feel, and of course I say fine, but honestly, I don’t know. So all I know is I have to find a way to keep pushing through. It’s so funny because people forget. When you are going through treatment everyone is pulling for you and then you end treatment and is like…oh….she made it, she’s fine. No, really. I’m not. But hey, thanks for not asking.

I am finding myself going back to some of my old ways. Like I want to try to help people as much as I can. I extend myself and go out of my way to talk to people and be of assistance. Well, I need to stop. I also need to stop caring about what other people think. I do have to say 2016 was great for that…I didn’t give two shits about anyone or anything, or how they felt. Wasn’t important. So as I come out of the fog, I’m starting to care again. Maybe I should write a post: Things I learned from Cancer! So, I’m not going to try to help people anymore unless they specifically ask. Obviously, for certain organizations and stuff I will, but not individuals. The biggest thing I learned from my cancer experience is 1. put yourself first. 2. who cares what people say or think. I quite enjoyed not being part of the drama. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t give a shit.

I’m hoping that things start to balance out a little more in 2018. I’m not asking for complete normalcy because that’s just not going to happen. I have to realize that there are still some things that are not forever. After I have this procedure that should make the world of difference and one less issue to deal with. (Mona Lisa Touch….look it up. if you are going through Menopause or have had a full hysterectomy or you have gone through cancer treatment look into this. I’ve heard amazing life changing stories! And yes I will give a full report once I’m done!) That will be one down. I really need to get back to the gym. I think my lack of energy and depression has to do with my lack of exercise lately. I’m at about 85% from my last surgery (Had oophorectomy so I could stop taking the Lupron shots and be less miserable) So that will help with that. The breast thing. I’m just going to have to deal and embrace it. If you are asking…”why don’t you just have reconstruction done if it bothers you so much?” Well…I’ve heard a lot of stories about it and I’m choosing the lesser of the two evils. I don’t have any extra skin so they would have to graph it and the expanders and the possibility of tubes again, and the pain. No thanks. I’ve heard and seen some pretty awful horror stories about reconstruction after double mastectomy and I will NEVER volunteer to have a surgery done that could cause more problems than not.

Okay so I know where I need to be and how to get there. Now it’s a matter of following through. But as usual….I got this!