Tag Archive | #happiness

First Day of the Rest of My life

Nov8

Well…yesterday was my last radiation session. I was doing good emotionally…then I stopped in the Chemo lounge like I usually do to say hi to everyone.  And I lost it.  Luckily the Social Worker was there.  So I asked her if we could talk a bit.  Sunday I had a complete mental breakdown. I had decided I wasn’t going to finish and just quit. (yes with one session left…I’m such a rebel).  She explained to me that it is completely normal. Some people after treatment go back to work after everything (or just continue to work) and like 3 months later it hits them like a ton of bricks.  In my case, I don’t have a job to continue or go back to.  When I got to Montana the plan was to set up house and then get a job and start over.  But this got in the way.  So between the pressure of selling the house last year, and then moving and then getting diagnosed, I folded.  I was to a point where I didnt’ HAVE to be strong anymore.  As I explained to her, throughout this process I would have my little hissy fit and cry for like 5-10 minutes and then shake it off and deal again.  There was that little voice in my head that would tell me to knock it off and woman up and get back in there.  Sunday, that little voice wasn’t there.  It just let me go.  So after talking to her it really helped to hear that it’s okay. That I’m normal. That I need to look at this as an opportunity to do whatever I want. I have a totally blank slate to work with.  And yes it can be scary…but it can also be exciting.  She told me to write down everything I like to do. What I want out of life. Then go and find things to try. Take a class or go to some club meeting.  I have absolutely nothing to lose.   My little voice is back…he is tired…but he is back.  So after treatment we went and had a beer at the place we had a beer the day I was diagnosed. Seemed fitting.

Last night I started a new sleep anti-anxiety medication Trazodone (Desyrel).  I’m not sure how I feel about this one.  I took it at 8:30 and about 20 minutes later I felt like I was floating. Then I was out like a rock. Woke up at midnight. Went back to sleep for 2 hours and then was up from about 2:30 to 4:00am. Went back to sleep until 5:15am. Stayed up for about an hour and then went back to sleep again, woke up about 9:00am.  Now the first 3 hours no dreams, I was out.  Then the next 2 hours I had crazy dreams. I mean at one point I had no idea what was real and what was the dream. I was having dreams within dreams. I mean in my dream I woke up and was telling my husband about the crazy dreams I had.  It got a little better the last few hours…normal kind of dreams but very vivid.  It’s almost like everything that I fear or that has happened that bothers me came out in my dreams.  I’ll see how it goes tonight.  I was a little groggy when I finally woke up…but if the dreams don’t calm down we are going to have to change this med.  I mean I don’t mind vivid…and sometimes they can be entertaining…but some stuff is just down right scary!

Today was my first day on Aromasin (Exemestane).  So far so good.  Took it at 9:30.  Didn’t have my first hot flash until 3:45.  That’s doable.  I don’t expect I’ll start feeling anything terribly different the first day…if I feel any different at all.  I mean a lot of the side effects are the same as the Lupron I’m already on, so they may just intensify a bit and I won’t notice….(let’s hope for that).

I was also supposed to just sit here all day and just watch TV. That was the plan.  I was going to be a total bum!  Well…I went downstairs and ended up starting on my craft room.  Mind you, I haven’t had the energy since we moved in to get to it.  So just about everything is still in boxes.  I have to figure out a shelving system of where I’m going to put all this stuff!  I also organized all the CD’s we have. You know, made sure the right CD was in the right case.  And then proceeded to put them in a box since no one really uses CDs anymore.  But it was fun to see what we have!

So my plan is to finish setting up my craft room.  Then make some stuff. Look to see if there are any classes on anything I might be interested in. Keep an eye on the job boards to see what is out there. I have kinda been doing this since I got here so that won’t really be any different.  I’m going to see how I feel the first of the year and maybe register with the staffing agency in town do some temporary work for a bit, maybe part time until I find something I like to do that they will give me money for.

My goal is to move forward and not look back….there really isn’t anything I need back there.  I’ve spent the last week mentally preparing myself for LIFE AFTER CANCER. Well, here we are. We have broken me down to rock bottom mentally and physically.  And this is how we start to make a Diva…

How to save your heart

Aug23

I tend to have this habit of always looking at the good in all people. Even people who may not, on the surface, seem like good people…somewhere in there there is always some compassion and good.  I was brought up this way by my grandmother. Even people who have done awful things in the past I have moved on to forgive them. For I don’t want to be bogged down with their negativity and unhappiness.  Over the last year this has kind of th (2)been something I’ve worked on. Letting go. Not letting the actions or words of others affect you. People can only hurt you if you let them. With this I have been leading a very tranquil stress free life.  Every day I am grateful and happy for those around me and for the things that surround me.  I am not a religious person in the aspect that I pray to a specific God.  I do not believe in organized religion, I find it unnecessary for me. I think for some people it is a wonderful thing that helps them.  I am of a more spiritual type of person. I look within myself and nature to find my strength and understanding to get me through and find answers. This works for me.  I spent my entire child hood going to a Catholic Church, I was baptized Episcopal. In the military I attended the Episcopal church to get back to my roots. So I have tried this and it is not something that works for me.

So being the very content happy and accepting of life as I know it, I thought I would reach out to someone that there was once a rough patch with.  I quickly found that not everyone is as forgiving and accepting as I am. I have to say I have never met someone with so much sadness and anger in their hearts over something that happened so many years ago. At first I was very upset. I lashed out at those around me that did not deserve it. The entire situation threw me off balance…I had lost my tranquil being. After talking to my rock in life, he explained to me that some people are just unhappy. They have not found a way to let go and enjoy life.  For some people everything has to be a competition, everything has to be an argument. That is not normal and it’s very dysfunctional.

I think I get so easily sucked back into this because for the most part I was brought up that everything was a fight. There always had to be a winner.  Someone was always right and someone was always wrong. There was always a struggle of power within the family.  It took me a very long time to realize that this was so damaging and so not the way it should be. The last 20 years I learned that husbands and wives should work together not compete against one another. That if there is a disagreement to discuss and come to a mutual resolution that both parties can accept. I have tried to raise my own son this way and I surly hope he understands

Yesterday my past who has not learned this got the better of me. It bothered me a lot last night. I upset some of the most treasured people in my life over it. I will take this as a learning experience that I have to be stronger with some people and can’t assume just because I have changed to see they have changed to see.  I can not be angry but I will be more cautious moving forward.