I’ve been sitting here the last few days trying to figure out what my next steps are. What exactly it is I need to do and what I want to do. I was told at one point to look at this as having a blank slate. So I sit here staring at a blank slate wondering what my first stroke will be. I may be over thinking this. I feel like whatever color I choose or shape I create will define the remainder of my life. Logically I know this isn’t true. But I think I’m putting unnecessary pressure on myself to make sure I do everything just right. It’s like I want this next chapter to be perfect. I know that isn’t right. If I have learned anything I should go in with 3 paint brushes in each hand all different colors and just go nuts. Of course, that’s kind of how I’ve always lived my life it seems. I’ve never had a specific direction. I’ve always just flown by the seat of my pants and wait to see where things take me. I’ve never had a plan.  Which is just crazy for someone who seems to always be planning something. So I’ve been really taking a look at my life and myself. It’s been hard to look at myself from an outside point of view. Being totally objective. Being without personal emotional attachment.

Through treatment, I had been in a bit of a daze. I just went and did what I was told. I didn’t have to think too much about what to do and where I was going. The only thing I needed to know and be aware of is getting through all of it. My whole thought process was very simple, “whatever needs to be done to get this out of my body and make sure it never comes back…let’s do that.” It was all very simple. The drugs from chemo really affected my brain function. Surgery really messed with my mental state. Radiation wore me down mentally and physically. I sit here a month and a half after everything slowly coming out of all this fog. I still have trouble verbally communicating. I have the thought in my head but I can’t think of all the words I’m supposed to use.  Sometimes I can’t think of the order the words are supposed to be in. It’s like my brain and verbal function is not connected sometimes. Other things I have issues with are planning and multitasking. I purposely decided to cook specific things this holiday season because cooking, I have found, helps with all those functions. I have to plan it out and then do things in a specific order and at a specific time. That has helped. Of course, if something goes wrong I panic and then I lose my ability to communicate and reason. On the up side, it has shown me exactly where my weaknesses are and what I need to work on. I’ve been doing a lot of word games to try to help this. I also found some other games that help with order and reasoning.

Physically, I go back and forth between extreme fatigue and wanting to run a marathon. The physical part I’m not as concerned about. I go and work out at least 3-4 times a week at this point. I run, walk, swim and stretch.  Coming up here soon I’ll be upping the work outs a bit more. Weights for my upper body are a tricky thing yet. I tried but I have to be very careful. If I do too much my whole upper body swells.  I figured the swimming will help the upper body some. And I did start to do planks. Eventually, my upper body will be strong enough to start adding weights on dry land. But for now, we keep it in the water.

I’m trying to look at things as positively and realistically as possible. If I were to say 2017 is going to be a fabulous year and there will be nothing but good things happening I would be delusional. I look at 2016 as the year of being torn down. This means 2017 is the year to rebuild. It’s not going to be easy. There are going to be some roadblocks (there always are). It’s going to be a tough road.  Another battle…a different battle. I have to set realistic expectations of myself. Just like “oh treatments over now, it’s done and you can go back to your life” isn’t a reality (although how nice would that be). In reality, it’s “now that treatment is over what the hell am I left with here and how can I make this work.” The major problem that I’m finding is my mental state. This is my biggest hurdle. I find that I don’t seem to care about the same things as much as I did before. My priorities have shifted. The question is have they shifted so much that I’m not going to be able to function. I think there is a balance I have to develop.

For 2017 there are going to be a lot of changes. I want to say I’m never going to look back, but sometimes you have to look back to see how far you have come. I think the key is to not dwell on the past. Look fondly at the experience regardless of what that experience was. Remember the lessons you have learned from it, extract anything that could be useful for a current situation or one you are faced with, and then let it go and move on. Never dwell on the negative and get lost in the details of what happened. I don’t want to live there again. I’m hoping that each year will get easier. Right now appointments are every 3 months. As they become every 6 months and hopefully every year I will be able to relax and find my new place in this life and create things I never thought were possible.  Whatever….Right now I have to try to figure out how to live with this cloud over my head. Maybe someday that will go away too.