Tag Archive | Rebuilding

First Day of the Rest of My life

Nov8

Well…yesterday was my last radiation session. I was doing good emotionally…then I stopped in the Chemo lounge like I usually do to say hi to everyone.  And I lost it.  Luckily the Social Worker was there.  So I asked her if we could talk a bit.  Sunday I had a complete mental breakdown. I had decided I wasn’t going to finish and just quit. (yes with one session left…I’m such a rebel).  She explained to me that it is completely normal. Some people after treatment go back to work after everything (or just continue to work) and like 3 months later it hits them like a ton of bricks.  In my case, I don’t have a job to continue or go back to.  When I got to Montana the plan was to set up house and then get a job and start over.  But this got in the way.  So between the pressure of selling the house last year, and then moving and then getting diagnosed, I folded.  I was to a point where I didnt’ HAVE to be strong anymore.  As I explained to her, throughout this process I would have my little hissy fit and cry for like 5-10 minutes and then shake it off and deal again.  There was that little voice in my head that would tell me to knock it off and woman up and get back in there.  Sunday, that little voice wasn’t there.  It just let me go.  So after talking to her it really helped to hear that it’s okay. That I’m normal. That I need to look at this as an opportunity to do whatever I want. I have a totally blank slate to work with.  And yes it can be scary…but it can also be exciting.  She told me to write down everything I like to do. What I want out of life. Then go and find things to try. Take a class or go to some club meeting.  I have absolutely nothing to lose.   My little voice is back…he is tired…but he is back.  So after treatment we went and had a beer at the place we had a beer the day I was diagnosed. Seemed fitting.

Last night I started a new sleep anti-anxiety medication Trazodone (Desyrel).  I’m not sure how I feel about this one.  I took it at 8:30 and about 20 minutes later I felt like I was floating. Then I was out like a rock. Woke up at midnight. Went back to sleep for 2 hours and then was up from about 2:30 to 4:00am. Went back to sleep until 5:15am. Stayed up for about an hour and then went back to sleep again, woke up about 9:00am.  Now the first 3 hours no dreams, I was out.  Then the next 2 hours I had crazy dreams. I mean at one point I had no idea what was real and what was the dream. I was having dreams within dreams. I mean in my dream I woke up and was telling my husband about the crazy dreams I had.  It got a little better the last few hours…normal kind of dreams but very vivid.  It’s almost like everything that I fear or that has happened that bothers me came out in my dreams.  I’ll see how it goes tonight.  I was a little groggy when I finally woke up…but if the dreams don’t calm down we are going to have to change this med.  I mean I don’t mind vivid…and sometimes they can be entertaining…but some stuff is just down right scary!

Today was my first day on Aromasin (Exemestane).  So far so good.  Took it at 9:30.  Didn’t have my first hot flash until 3:45.  That’s doable.  I don’t expect I’ll start feeling anything terribly different the first day…if I feel any different at all.  I mean a lot of the side effects are the same as the Lupron I’m already on, so they may just intensify a bit and I won’t notice….(let’s hope for that).

I was also supposed to just sit here all day and just watch TV. That was the plan.  I was going to be a total bum!  Well…I went downstairs and ended up starting on my craft room.  Mind you, I haven’t had the energy since we moved in to get to it.  So just about everything is still in boxes.  I have to figure out a shelving system of where I’m going to put all this stuff!  I also organized all the CD’s we have. You know, made sure the right CD was in the right case.  And then proceeded to put them in a box since no one really uses CDs anymore.  But it was fun to see what we have!

So my plan is to finish setting up my craft room.  Then make some stuff. Look to see if there are any classes on anything I might be interested in. Keep an eye on the job boards to see what is out there. I have kinda been doing this since I got here so that won’t really be any different.  I’m going to see how I feel the first of the year and maybe register with the staffing agency in town do some temporary work for a bit, maybe part time until I find something I like to do that they will give me money for.

My goal is to move forward and not look back….there really isn’t anything I need back there.  I’ve spent the last week mentally preparing myself for LIFE AFTER CANCER. Well, here we are. We have broken me down to rock bottom mentally and physically.  And this is how we start to make a Diva…

Preparing for The New Normal

Nov3

I’ve spent a lot of today doing research on this new medication I’m going to be starting on Monday. Talking to the Doctors, the Pharmacists, reading medical papers. I started reading people’s experiences, but I don’t know how crazy or truthful these testimonies are…I mean, perception is different for everyone.  Everyone’s situation is different, and everyone reacts differently to things, so it really isn’t helping me. Whatever side effects I get, I will just have to deal with them. I had a total mental breakdown today after talking to the pharmacist….she’s a cancer survivor and she doesn’t candy coat things.  Which is good.

failing

I’m meeting with the nutritionist tomorrow after my radiation treatment. Going to figure out the eating portion of my new normal. See what I’m going to avoid and eat more of. That should be interesting.  Then I have to set up an appointment with the trainer at the gym to see what the best plan of attack is on that end.  It’s going to be quite the challenge because I’m fighting against a lot of things. I have to strengthen my bones since I have osteopenia.  I have joint and muscle pain from the Lupron already, and it may get worse when I start the Aromasin.  There are also the energy levels, and trying to keep my metabolism up.  So I am really going to have to force myself.  I have been doing that already through radiation fatigue.  I like to think I’m a little ahead of the game on that front.

One of the things I’m trying desperately to do is focus on myself. I’ve deleted my Facebook account at this point to make sure I don’t go on to peek. I know there is nothing going on there that could possibly contribute to my happiness or well-being.  Although there are a few people who I really do enjoy their posts…I’ve got some characters as friends.  But I’m trying to stay off my phone and all social media. This is the only social media I’m allowed on right now. I figure once I get myself set and I feel mentally and physically strong, and get into a good solid routine, I will go back on.

preparing4

So my big challenges to keep healthy and going are going to be diet, exercise, and sleep. Gee, that’s totally different than what I’ve been trying to work on for the last 20 years of my life.  Stakes are a little higher, and it’s kind of not an option now.  Before, I had the option of eating healthy and exercising, and not getting all stressed.  Now…not so much.

But I have wanted to change my life and get healthy…obviously, it took this whole ordeal to get me to actually do it. So much drama!!!  (In retrospect, I should have asked for something a little less invasive)

The Home Stretch

Oct30

stretch

Tomorrow is the last full dose of radiation treatment. It’s the last one to my lymph nodes. The remaining 5 are boosts to the tumor site. I’ve been very emotional the last week over all this. I mean I’m ecstatic that I’m down to the end. I’m excited about rebuilding myself both physically and mentally. But at the same time, I’m scared to death of what comes next. The possibility of it all coming back. The being alone again. All the cheerleaders have stopped. All the support ceases. You have beat cancer and now you must pick up all your pieces and start over and figure out what to do with them all.

People have been very interesting through this journey. From the people who dissapear because they don’t know what to say, to the people who you are just like…shut up while you can still save yourself. I get it, unless you have been through it it’s a crap shoot. Unless you really know the person you really don’t know what to say.  I have one relative who from day one has been there. He was at a lost at first and we talked about it. But he knows me so he knew what he could and shouldn’t say. He knew for the most part to just talk to me like a person and update me on what is going on. Talk about the same things we have always talked about. He’s one of the only people who realized I was still me.  And he would ask me questions about the cancer. He wanted to understand and know everything. Now I had a few close friends who have been the same way, and I appreciate these people more than they will ever know.

Now I have had conversations with people who just don’t get it. They don’t know the facts, they don’t want to know the facts, they have no concept of this journey, and they don’t want to know about it. They assume they know. Knowing someone who has had cancer or having a relative or friend who is in the industry in some way shape or form does not make you the expert on it.  I mean my husband is a pathology supervisor. He diagnosis all the lumps and bumps for a living. I don’t claim to know what he knows.  And he never having cancer doesn’t claim to know what I know. On the good side we have helped eachother understand from eachother’s point of view.  So that has been good.  But I digress.  If you have never actually been thorugh it, choose your advice and thoughts and knowledge of the subject with caution. But like they say…opinions are like assholes…everyone has one.

My issue is that when someone says something that is untrue (or talking out of their ass) it stays with me. It eats at me. I dwell on it. My mind won’t rest for days because of it. So what I need to do is stop listening to people who have their opinion.  I mean it’s great that they have one, but doesn’t mean it’s correct. I need to just nod and take it with a grain of salt and then just let it go.  Thats the part I have a hard time with. Letting things go from my mind.  THIS will be the hardest part of the Project me phase.  How to not let people get in your head.  This has always been an issue with me so I suppose it’s another reason I’m down this path….I’m my own worst enemy.

So outside of that the radiation site is probably a 2nd degree burn at this point.  They had mentioned taking a break at one point, but since I was so close to being done we are just going to go ahead and move forward. I have some creams to put on to help.  But besides the skin burning I have a pain inside which I’m sure is more things waking up and going “oh shit.” We have put physical thereapy on hold until my skin heals up. I go back on the 17th of November. Just one last check up and go over exercises that I’m going to continue on without them and then they will discharge me  there.

epicFatigue has been up and down. For the most part I’m able to get in 3-4 days at the gym.  So I do my cardio for 35 minutes then some core strenthening and then stretching. Once I’m done with radiation and my energy comes up a bit I’m going to start yoga a few times a week.  Once I get the core stronger and my full range of motion back then I’ll add weights.  All this working out though radiation is just to keep my energy up so I can make it through. I’m not trying to get buff or anything at this point.  This whole process is just going to be baby steps.  Slow and steady.  And just stay on my own mat.

I’ll say it again I’m sure but, a huge shout out to my rock in life and the one who has been there with me and has gotten me through the darkest of days, my husband.  And to my cousin who is more like a brother to me who has been there with me, who needed to learn as much as he could, to keep me laughing and take my mind off of things when I needed it most. To my Aunt and Uncle who came to see me. Two of my oldest friends who are my sounding boards that listen to my rants about anything and everything. And all my other friends and family who have supported me to keep my spirits up through all this craziness.  (Coloring books, oragami,  water bottles, blankets, tote bags,TastyKakes, scarves, hats, cards, inspirational books, fuzzy pajamas, and other goodes) I love you all. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart….I couldn’t have done it all without you.

 

Transition

Oct5

Still going through good days and bad days.  They are a little different than before. Prior treatment was more physical bad days.  Now I’m going through more mental bad days. (Physically I’m exhausted and adjusting to a lot of things that have changed.) It’s more of a “what happens next?” panic.  This usually happens after I am feeling kind of normal and do something I used to do and then have some sort of physical side effect from it. This quickly brings me back to the reality that I’m not all better yet.  I had a discussion withp-3 one of the Radiology Oncologists today about that specific thing.  He told me that it will be a year before I start to feel somewhat normal. So in the meantime remember that I’m still going through treatment and still need to be kind to myself.

Now me being the type of person who needs a timeline, I’m realizing that with this I can’t. But I have to always have a plan.  So, what does someone who needs to always have a plan do in a situation where you have no control over what is going on physically with them? Well…I guess first I’m going to have to be kind to myself for a bit.  I will continue to eat right. I will exercise as many days of the week I can tolerate.  I will not beat myself up if I miss a day or two of exercise or eat something I’m not supposed to.  I know that once I am finished with treatment, I will be able to really focus on rebuilding. And I know even then I need to not be too hard on myself. Right no,w I just feel like I’m in this weird transition. Part of me is so over this and ready to move on. The other part is still in “cancer mode.” But I know that  I will get back into shape. I will get back to my new normal.

Rebuilding!!

Sep28

Went to the gym today. (I know 3 posts in one day…I just thought they should be all different posts rather than one big long one….the average human doesn’t have the attention span to read more than half a page).  I usually get on the treadmill and walk. Yawn. Then I go stretch. Then I go home.  Today I was prepared to do the same thing.  I walked into the locker room to put my stuff in there and look up and this little kid is looking at me confused. Then asks his mom if I was a girl or a boy. The mother reassured him that only girls were allowed in this locker room. So. Yeah. My first reaction was to be very upset and want to cry and leave. Then I’m like…it’s a kid. You see a person with short hair and no boobs it’s kind of a fair question. So as I’m convincing myself to not take it personally and get very self conscience about my appearance (I mean I have just gotten the courage to go without the scarf on my head!)  I get upstairs and look at the treadmill, then look at the elliptical machine. The old me used to do the elliptical and a beastly pace. Well today I decided to see how I would fare on that elliptical Machine. I started out slow. Used the one with the arm poles.  I never used to use those, but I do them on the bike in therapy so why not. It was feeling pretty good at a slow pace. Started getting into the rhythm of the music and then after 5 minutes stepped it up. Still felt good.  So I would do slow and then every 5 minutes do faster for a minute. It felt good to get my heart rate up and start to sweat a little bit.  I thought LEVEL UP! So I’m feeling good enough to up the workout. So I do my 30 minutes on there and I’m leaving and then there is THE MACHINE. It’s a beast. I’m like let me just get on real quick to see what it feels like.  Well I have a goal.

This bugger takes some coordination and is no joke! So I will do 30 minutes on this in the next few weeks!!!

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