Still going through good days and bad days.  They are a little different than before. Prior treatment was more physical bad days.  Now I’m going through more mental bad days. (Physically I’m exhausted and adjusting to a lot of things that have changed.) It’s more of a “what happens next?” panic.  This usually happens after I am feeling kind of normal and do something I used to do and then have some sort of physical side effect from it. This quickly brings me back to the reality that I’m not all better yet.  I had a discussion with one of the Radiology Oncologists today about that specific thing.  He told me that it will be a year before I start to feel somewhat normal. So in the meantime remember that I’m still going through treatment and still need to be kind to myself.

Now me being the type of person who needs a timeline, I’m realizing that with this I can’t. But I have to always have a plan.  So, what does someone who needs to always have a plan do in a situation where you have no control over what is going on physically with them? Well…I guess first I’m going to have to be kind to myself for a bit.  I will continue to eat right. I will exercise as many days of the week I can tolerate.  I will not beat myself up if I miss a day or two of exercise or eat something I’m not supposed to.  I know that once I am finished with treatment, I will be able to really focus on rebuilding. And I know even then I need to not be too hard on myself. Right no,w I just feel like I’m in this weird transition. Part of me is so over this and ready to move on. The other part is still in “cancer mode.” But I know that  I will get back into shape. I will get back to my new normal.