Another Year

Dec21

Monday was my 47th birthday. I am glad to have made it this far. Thoughts are all over the place. My step father was 47 when he died of pancreatic cancer. So I feel pretty lucky. I think I’ve been a little blue the last week. One would think that I would be the complete opposite, I mean I have everything to be happy about right now!

I did go on my first job interview Monday. If anything it was a good experience to see where I am as far as being able to answer questions quickly and coherently. I made the decision that it was not a good fit for me for completely unrelated reasons to my mental state of mind. Kind of a bummer because the job seemed like it would have been really fun. It’s nice to actually be in a position to really interview a company and be on the offensive vs. the defensive. But mentally I’m not quite there yet. I’m getting there. I still can’t think of all the words I want to use yet. And my thoughts aren’t up to the level I want them to be. So I continue to do word puzzles and logic games.

So my eyebrows are falling out again. It seems this is normal. Hair has a cycle. When you lose all your hair from chemo all the hairs are on the same cycle so fall out all at once vs at different times.  I hope it is limited to my eyebrows and eye lashes! If my hair falls out again I guess I need to invest in a really good wig.

I’ve been on the Aromasin for a month and a half now. Hot flashes continue, but aren’t too bad. They are tolerable. I’m still getting fatigued which is really annoying. But the biggest complaint I have is the pain in my legs, hips, arms, hands and feet. My hands are swelling a little bit. I also haven’t been working out because I’ve been too tired. But I also haven’t been eating as good as I need to or drinking enough water.

Wow isn’t this turning out to be a total bitch session.  It could be worse. I shouldn’t complain….its a small price to pay for my life.

Oh The People

Dec12

I’ve been swimming. The other day I was in the locker room getting changed and these 2 older women came in. One looked at me then looked at her friend and said “is the the WOMENS locker room? I thought this was the women’s locker room.” and then looked at me again while her friend was answering with a “well it’s supposed to be.” As she and her friend went on and on about which gender is in which locker room, I just looked at her, continued to get dressed and left. I couldn’t say anything. I froze. I didn’t know how to react.  in my mind on the way home I was like “what just happened?” and thought of all kinds of things to say. surprisingly I didn’t cry. I actually felt sorry for her. People really have no concept and are clueless. I go  acknowledge and forth between sharing a piece of my mind with people like that and saying  nothing. I don’t think it would do any good and I would hate to make someone feel bad because they are uneducated and ignorant. I’ll figure out how to get brave to deal with this one day. I’m too busy trying to find normal.

Nothing

Dec7

Nothing really going on. Just bored. Went in for an eye exam today. Yay! New glasses. Shocking, my left eye is getting worse. It’s funny because the Dr is like all apologetic and acting like poor vision is something awful. “It will gradually get worse, but it will stop, I promise.”  I’m like yeah it could be worse. And she’s all “I suppose.” Perspective. I mean I saw a guy today who is getting radiation done near his eye and it’s all open wounded and kinda bandaged up and just looks painful as hell…and at least I have eyes..so yeah…it COULD be worse. 

They don’t read the forms you fill out. It asked for my profession and I replied “recovering cancerholic.” I got nothing. You know I purposefully fill out paperwork with as many smart ass answers as I can just to see if they really do read it. So I’m sitting in the room and they knock before entering. Why? It’s an eye exam. Is there something I don’t know? Of course, who knows. After my sauna experience the other day, anything is possible I suppose.

I can’t sit at home forever. “But you can volunteer” Yeah and I can try to make some money too so I can go places and do things!! I think working at home would be nice but I think I would get bored. I sort of have a love-hate relationship with people. I’m not going to rush the job search or push it. The right one will come along that I’m supposed to have. The most important thing is that I enjoy what I do. And I don’t want to be all stressed out about work. I want a job where I’m helping people and having a good time doing it that has got to be out there somewhere!

Progress

Dec4

My physical therapist told me to start swimming.  So I’m back in the pool. I’m up to 14 laps. (25 meter pool) They are slow laps but they are laps. And I stop and stretch a bit or tread water at the end of each one for 30 seconds. But it has felt really good so far. I think my arms/chest like it.  I’m hoping it will help my lower back as well.  I rotate through strokes…breast, back and free.  

As far as running (jog and walking combo)…I’m up to a 16.30 mile and doing about 1.5 miles at this point. (I started at a 20 min mile even. I go for 25 minutes and see how far I get.  Once I get to 2 miles in 25 minutes I’ll increase to 30 minutes. 

I’m alternating swimming and jogging. The days I jog I do the weights…upper and lower body.

The diet is up and down. I have room for improvement. I do good then go off and pay for it  I understand the moderation concept which or the most part is working well…but still makes me feel like crap when I do it.

I’ll get there slowly but surely. Rebuilding from the ground up making sure I have a good solid foundation to start with.

The hardest part is taking everything and applying what I’ve learned over the last year. The biggest thing has been learning to put me first and take care of myself. I have never been one to spend a lot of time on me (post kids) so it’s going to take some practice.

Fa La La La La

Nov29

Oh the holidays. I’ve finally recovered from Thanksgiving.  I had my son and his fiance here for a week. So much excitement and so much emotion and so much cooking and cleaning. I took a week off from the gym because I was just exhausted. Had about enough energy to cook thanksgiving and stay up til 9:30-10:00 every day.  First day back to the gym today. I somehow managed to not gain any weight over Thanksgiving. So that’s promising.

My scar is healing nicely. I should be able to get in the pool next week. My last physical therapy session is tomorrow.  I’ve been doing all the stretching and stuff.  But of course the last week I haven’t been working out and boy have I felt it.  Things I’ve learned the last 2 weeks.

  1. Aromasin makes me super emotional.  It’s really kind of annoying. So I am trying to learn how to manage that. (I bet the answer is going to involve diet and exercise)
  2. I really need to exercise every day. I NEED to stretch and do cardio. It makes me feel better.  When I don’t my arms and chest swell.  (part of the reason)  And I think when I do the cardio it really helps with my emotions. I was doing the elliptical but I find walking/jogging really works better for me. I need to add the yoga and then take some classes. I like to move it…move it.  I also started to do strength training. Legs right now. After PT tomorrow I’ll see what they say about how I’m going to do this upper body thing.
  3. My body doesn’t do well with not good food. (the other part that makes my arms and chest swell) So traditional thanksgiving is a bad thing. I only had a little bit of everything which was good, because ugh. I paid for it. So eating whole foods is crucial for my over all physical and mental health. It’s really incredible how it affects me. Salt and sugar are the worst.

So back on track. Went to the gym today. Trying to get all my vegetables back into the lineup today. I made a pot of turkey soup.  I’m kind of on that right now.

Starting from the ground up is really hard. I’m not going to lie. I have to come up with something that will keep me motivated.  I’m very goal oriented. I must plan!!!!

Let’s Get this Party Started!!!

Nov15

So the first week after treatment was pretty much a wash. I had a heck of a time with the transition of one of the new meds they put me on. I decided to not take that one anymore and just stick with what they originally had me on (Lorazapam/Ativan).  I’ll take 2 pills vs. 1 pill.  It works well enough most of the time. I would rather do that then deal with the mess of the other stuff. The side effects are pretty minimal for the Aromasin. I’m slow to get moving in the morning and then get pretty fatigued later in the day. I do have muscle and bone pain if I sit too long.  As long as I get up and move regularly I’m pretty okay. I have my ditzy days….I mean trying to do more than one thing at a time is a challenge. I’m going to start doing word puzzles and other mind game things to see if that helps any.

Becuase of my lack of sleep last week I didn’t go to the gym. Went Sunday finally. Only did 20 minutes, but I changed over to the treadmill again.  My initial thought was to start out slow and just take it from ground zero. Then about 10 minutes in I decided to jog every other minute. I wanted to see if I could do it and how it would feel afterward. I was a little swollen in the arms and chest but nothing major. Probably more from my lack of water intake! Yesterday I had a super bad day mentally. I was having issues with doing little things.  I went to the store and what should have taken maybe an hour, took me 4.  Nothing concerning just would lose track of what I was looking for and then got distracted looking at other things. So I’ll start Yoga next Monday!  Today I went and started out on the elliptical again…yeah, I now have this thing in my head. I’m a goal oriented person. So this jogging/walking thing is meeting that.  I got on the treadmill and set it for 20 minutes. Instead of doing every other minute, I had the track setting on so I ran half the track then walked half the track to see how far I would get.  So the goal is to be able to run the full 20 minutes and then add from there.  I had the thought of doing the 5k I did in January when I first got to Missoula. In talking with a friend tonight, she pretty much convinced me that I should set that goal. Now I am not expecting to run the whole thing and place. I just want to be able to run most of it and cross the finish line. I started thinking about it and it would be kinda symbolic for me. Last year’s 5k was on January 29th. I was officially diagnosed February 9th.  So it would be kind of a pick up where I left off sort of thing.

I feel like I’m on the right track. Diet wise I’m doing pretty good, other than not drinking enough water. I’ve started to plan the meals on Sunday. And I actually went grocery shopping by myself for the first time in 9 months. It felt good. It felt normal. So I have my little cards with the dinners for the week. So far it’s working (okay yeah, it’s Tuesday). But I haven’t been too keen on anything overly sweet. It seems if I have anything too sweet or too salty my arms and chest area swell up. So at least I now have a built-in indicator. OH! I got little pill cases with the days of the week on them to make sure I take everything I’m supposed to. I know it’s silly, but these are the things that excite me these days.

Saturday we went out to get a bed frame for the guest room. The mattress has just been sitting on the floor.  Well, they wanted like $80 for just a basic metal frame to get it off the floor.  We went into one of the furniture stores and there was a clearance/scratch and dent section and there was a complete headboard and everything for $200. It was originally $599.  So I think it was a good deal. This thing is so high the side railings are used as steps to get up in the bed.  IT’S AWESOME!!!!! And of course I had to get a new bedspread…then the curtains didn’t match…it just snowballed.  But the guest room is now all set up. Now to work on the craft room so I can start….crafting!

Oh. So I go to look for a picture for this post. I google “Party” and then go to images. Wow…..just wow.  Sorry no picture I’m still processing.  LOL

First Day of the Rest of My life

Nov8

Well…yesterday was my last radiation session. I was doing good emotionally…then I stopped in the Chemo lounge like I usually do to say hi to everyone.  And I lost it.  Luckily the Social Worker was there.  So I asked her if we could talk a bit.  Sunday I had a complete mental breakdown. I had decided I wasn’t going to finish and just quit. (yes with one session left…I’m such a rebel).  She explained to me that it is completely normal. Some people after treatment go back to work after everything (or just continue to work) and like 3 months later it hits them like a ton of bricks.  In my case, I don’t have a job to continue or go back to.  When I got to Montana the plan was to set up house and then get a job and start over.  But this got in the way.  So between the pressure of selling the house last year, and then moving and then getting diagnosed, I folded.  I was to a point where I didnt’ HAVE to be strong anymore.  As I explained to her, throughout this process I would have my little hissy fit and cry for like 5-10 minutes and then shake it off and deal again.  There was that little voice in my head that would tell me to knock it off and woman up and get back in there.  Sunday, that little voice wasn’t there.  It just let me go.  So after talking to her it really helped to hear that it’s okay. That I’m normal. That I need to look at this as an opportunity to do whatever I want. I have a totally blank slate to work with.  And yes it can be scary…but it can also be exciting.  She told me to write down everything I like to do. What I want out of life. Then go and find things to try. Take a class or go to some club meeting.  I have absolutely nothing to lose.   My little voice is back…he is tired…but he is back.  So after treatment we went and had a beer at the place we had a beer the day I was diagnosed. Seemed fitting.

Last night I started a new sleep anti-anxiety medication Trazodone (Desyrel).  I’m not sure how I feel about this one.  I took it at 8:30 and about 20 minutes later I felt like I was floating. Then I was out like a rock. Woke up at midnight. Went back to sleep for 2 hours and then was up from about 2:30 to 4:00am. Went back to sleep until 5:15am. Stayed up for about an hour and then went back to sleep again, woke up about 9:00am.  Now the first 3 hours no dreams, I was out.  Then the next 2 hours I had crazy dreams. I mean at one point I had no idea what was real and what was the dream. I was having dreams within dreams. I mean in my dream I woke up and was telling my husband about the crazy dreams I had.  It got a little better the last few hours…normal kind of dreams but very vivid.  It’s almost like everything that I fear or that has happened that bothers me came out in my dreams.  I’ll see how it goes tonight.  I was a little groggy when I finally woke up…but if the dreams don’t calm down we are going to have to change this med.  I mean I don’t mind vivid…and sometimes they can be entertaining…but some stuff is just down right scary!

Today was my first day on Aromasin (Exemestane).  So far so good.  Took it at 9:30.  Didn’t have my first hot flash until 3:45.  That’s doable.  I don’t expect I’ll start feeling anything terribly different the first day…if I feel any different at all.  I mean a lot of the side effects are the same as the Lupron I’m already on, so they may just intensify a bit and I won’t notice….(let’s hope for that).

I was also supposed to just sit here all day and just watch TV. That was the plan.  I was going to be a total bum!  Well…I went downstairs and ended up starting on my craft room.  Mind you, I haven’t had the energy since we moved in to get to it.  So just about everything is still in boxes.  I have to figure out a shelving system of where I’m going to put all this stuff!  I also organized all the CD’s we have. You know, made sure the right CD was in the right case.  And then proceeded to put them in a box since no one really uses CDs anymore.  But it was fun to see what we have!

So my plan is to finish setting up my craft room.  Then make some stuff. Look to see if there are any classes on anything I might be interested in. Keep an eye on the job boards to see what is out there. I have kinda been doing this since I got here so that won’t really be any different.  I’m going to see how I feel the first of the year and maybe register with the staffing agency in town do some temporary work for a bit, maybe part time until I find something I like to do that they will give me money for.

My goal is to move forward and not look back….there really isn’t anything I need back there.  I’ve spent the last week mentally preparing myself for LIFE AFTER CANCER. Well, here we are. We have broken me down to rock bottom mentally and physically.  And this is how we start to make a Diva…

No going topless for a year!

Nov4

My skin seems to be holding up so Monday will be my very last radiation treatment. It also will be the very end of the treatment trilogy.  (Chemo, surgery, radiation).  Monday I start on my 10-year stint of meds. whoo hoo.  I’m excited.  But the radiation nurse gave me this information hand-out of how to take care of the radiation site and what to expect for the next month.  In the section for “Skin”, it says that “you should protect the treated area from the sun for at least a year.”  I’m glad they told me because I could totally see me walking around without a shirt on everywhere over the next year.  Then I just thought about the men with prostate cancer….no junk in the sun….

I also met with the nutritionist.  That was good. I’m glad I did that.  Of course, the oncology department has their own nutritional team…why wouldn’t they.  So we figured out how many calories I should eat in a day. In the 1500 range. She explained the plate method to me. Which is:  Divide your plate in half.  One-half is non-starchy vegetables. Then divide the other half in half and you have your starchy foods and then protein. And off to the side, you have your fruit.  plate

Now I won’t be eating anything out of a can because well…anything canned is bad in my mind so I can’t change that. She said to stay away from any “Diet” or eating plan that tells you to cut out a food group.  Unless you have a food allergy or some sort of intolerance to a food or food group….it’s not off limits.  Focus your plate on vegetables and then having starches (whole grain) and protein as the sides.  Eat whole foods. Eat small meals throughout the day….at least 4.  Breakfast, lunch, Dinner, Snack.  And you can add a second snack if it keeps you from eating too much.  But always have a fruit/vegetable and a protein with each meal. (And never listen to Dr. Oz.)  There is no evidence that anything you ingest will change the pH of your body.  If you are drinking enough water and eating properly, your body will regulate your pH level. So baking soda, AC Vinegar….all that….unless it just makes you feel better taking it or keeps you from eating more (which is most likely just the water you are drinking fills you up). So YES to potatoes! Yes to whole wheat pasta! Yes to brown rice!  And I don’t have to give up chocolate.

So that solves that issue in my life.  Add exercise 3-4 times a week and I should be good to go.  OH…and do not weigh myself every day.  In fact…weigh yourself once a month if you must….but keep track of your progress by doing measurements.  I do measurements every week too…but I have to stop worrying about that number.  So I’m going to find a dress I want to be able to fit into and put that out and hide the scale!

I feel like I’m starting to get a good base for my new normal.  It all goes down on Monday!  Did I mention the medication I’m on says it highly recommends that you do not consume alcohol?  Well, I don’t think every now and then is going to kill me. But my days of hitting the bottle of wine days are over.  Which really isn’t a huge deal, I suppose.  I haven’t had much to drink the last 10 months anyway….haven’t been able to.  But I had a shot of amaretto in some black coffee the other day that was just fabulous. Normally, I have it in a cup of cappuccino.  They didn’t have cappuccino, so I made do.  OMG. It was just enough sweet. THAT will end up being my treat when I drink!

Preparing for The New Normal

Nov3

I’ve spent a lot of today doing research on this new medication I’m going to be starting on Monday. Talking to the Doctors, the Pharmacists, reading medical papers. I started reading people’s experiences, but I don’t know how crazy or truthful these testimonies are…I mean, perception is different for everyone.  Everyone’s situation is different, and everyone reacts differently to things, so it really isn’t helping me. Whatever side effects I get, I will just have to deal with them. I had a total mental breakdown today after talking to the pharmacist….she’s a cancer survivor and she doesn’t candy coat things.  Which is good.

failing

I’m meeting with the nutritionist tomorrow after my radiation treatment. Going to figure out the eating portion of my new normal. See what I’m going to avoid and eat more of. That should be interesting.  Then I have to set up an appointment with the trainer at the gym to see what the best plan of attack is on that end.  It’s going to be quite the challenge because I’m fighting against a lot of things. I have to strengthen my bones since I have osteopenia.  I have joint and muscle pain from the Lupron already, and it may get worse when I start the Aromasin.  There are also the energy levels, and trying to keep my metabolism up.  So I am really going to have to force myself.  I have been doing that already through radiation fatigue.  I like to think I’m a little ahead of the game on that front.

One of the things I’m trying desperately to do is focus on myself. I’ve deleted my Facebook account at this point to make sure I don’t go on to peek. I know there is nothing going on there that could possibly contribute to my happiness or well-being.  Although there are a few people who I really do enjoy their posts…I’ve got some characters as friends.  But I’m trying to stay off my phone and all social media. This is the only social media I’m allowed on right now. I figure once I get myself set and I feel mentally and physically strong, and get into a good solid routine, I will go back on.

preparing4

So my big challenges to keep healthy and going are going to be diet, exercise, and sleep. Gee, that’s totally different than what I’ve been trying to work on for the last 20 years of my life.  Stakes are a little higher, and it’s kind of not an option now.  Before, I had the option of eating healthy and exercising, and not getting all stressed.  Now…not so much.

But I have wanted to change my life and get healthy…obviously, it took this whole ordeal to get me to actually do it. So much drama!!!  (In retrospect, I should have asked for something a little less invasive)

Because I’m Fabulous!

Nov2

I met with my Medical Oncologist today.  I’m going to start on Aromasin (Exemestane) on Monday.  I take the Lupron shots every 6 months. This shot shuts my ovaries down so I don’t produce any estrogen. The adrenal glands still produce hormones so the Aromasin will stop this production of estrogen. This should ensure that this cancer that is estrogen driven can’t redevelop or do anything. I will be on these two medications for the next 10 years.  So the Lupron forces me into menopause.  Because there is no test to see when exactly my body will go into menopause for real, they are doing 10 years….by that time my body should have hit the natural menopause state. Interesting stuff right?  Now the Aromasin is a bit on the harsh side. Most people get put on Tamoxifen which has fewer side effects but isn’t as effective for my type of cancer. But if I can’t tolerate the Aromasin I’ll get switched over to the Tamoxifen.  If I can tolerate the Aromasin I may end up getting my ovaries removed so I don’t have to do the Lupron shot anymore. That would be one less medication to take. We’ll see how it goes. (just like Christmas…going to be quite the surprise!)

We are also stopping my Ativan (Lorazepam) for insomnia since it has seemed to stop working. We are going to change it up and going to Desyrel (Trazodone) we’ll see how that works out for me.  It’s supposed to not only help me sleep at night but help with any mood swings due to all the lack of hormones in my body. We’ll see how that works out. YAY Drugs!

At this appointment, my oncologist tells me now that I’m pretty much done with treatment that not everyone who goes through the rigorous aggressive course of treatfabment I took makes it.  I honestly didn’t know how to take that?  I mean that’s kinda scary. I have to think she meant that they had to break the treatment up some or change chemo drugs. Go me. Wow. Oh. I honestly have no idea how to react to that.  Just glad I didn’t know the odds before hand.
She checked out the lumps that have been bugging me the last few weeks.  I developed some bb sized lumps in my chest so when I found them a few weeks back my heart just sunk. She said they were probably nothing but we would keep an eye on them. The odds of any cancer developing at this point is about impossible.  But again, we would check them to see if they have changed in 6 weeks when I go back.

After this appointment, I went to Support Group.  Lately, I can only stay for the first 1/2 hour since I have to go to radiation.  Well, there is a new member. She had been diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer 12 years ago. She had a lumpectomy and was good.  A few months ago it came back as metastatic breast cancer – Stage IV. My heart just hurts for her. She was so strong to come to support group and to announce that you have Stage IV cancer has to be just one of the hardest things in the world to do. I just wanted to hug her. While not curable, it is treatable. She’ll go on an oral chemo to keep it under control…..And I was just sitting there freaking out that this new medication said that I could lose my hair.  So I’m no longer freaking out about the possibility of losing my hair again or have it thin. This is why they make wigs.  So be it if it happens. Again something brought me down to the reality of the whole situation and to just be thankful to be alive. I also thought: I’m sure glad I made the decision to have a double mastectomy vs. just the single.  I mean they said that the odds of it coming back in another breast were slim to none. I was like yeah, it was a slim to none chance I got it in the first place so….I’d rather go through this once then have to go through it twice. But hey..there is no guarantee something else won’t develop down the line.  So I think I’ll just enjoy the time I have here and deal with whatever comes when it does.

Then I went to radiation. #30 #2 of the booster. 3 more left.  I’ve resorted to gang signs in the count-down.  But the chest is looking pretty bad ass at this point.  It’s getting quite impressive. Met with the Radiology Oncologist.  I told her about the bb sized lumps and she checked them out and said it was just scar tissue and effects to the tissue from radiation. Nothing to worry about. But again she said that we would keep an eye on it over time when we did CT scans.  Because you know I get to do those every 6 months now. So if anything develops from here on out we will catch it pretty quick. But she wants to see me again on Friday to check the status of my skin to see if we will do the last radiation treatment on Monday or just end it on Friday.  They are pretty impressed that I haven’t had to take a break with radiation. Most people have to take a few weeks off about half way through. It’s because I’m just that fucking amazing….really.

Now I’m not usually the type of person that boasts about myself…I’m actually very modest….even though I joke a lot about the whole Fabulous thing. But you know I think for this I’m going to make an exception.  Don’t worry…I won’t let it get to my head and I’ll only do it for a few days. :)

Oh. The downside of all this anti-hormone nonsense….my drinking days are pretty much over. I suppose it’s okay. I had a good run. And any more when I have wine or beer I feel like crap after just 1…so be it.