The Hair – The Journey.

Nov1
2-23-16

First day of Chemo 2/23/16

3-5-16

Just got port in few days prior to this 3/5/16.

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Hair starting to thin 3/7/16.  Best to keep it braided…it was a HOT MESS! Literally one day it just started coming out in lumps

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Hair really thinning 3/15/16. This was obviously NOT a good day.  Chemo was starting to get pretty rough at this point. And let me point out my head hurt from my hair coming out.

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Got it shaved 3/30/16. Fuck that noise! Taking control of the situation.

4-30-16

Then it just fell out all over the place.. At least it was little hairs…..Just about gone 4/30/16.  During this time there are no face shots of me bald because we had also just bought a house, moved and something had to give…so this is as good as that got.

 

5-30-16

5/30/16 next to the last day of Chemo – Losing eyebrows and eyelashes. The last few months were pretty rough. I should have taken a picture of my hands.  They were brown and peeling…it was crazy.

6-30-16

6/30/16 a few days after surgery. I felt like one of those hairless cats….Looked like one too!!!! A month after chemo stopped and not a strand of hair on my body. These were probably some of the darkest days. 1 month post chemo

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7/30/16 starting to come back. These were my weekly visits to the surgeon days. 2 months post chemo

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8/30/16 Actual Hair coming in…feeling pretty bad ass about it. 3 months post chemo

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9/30/16 Finally stopped wearing the scarf on my head. 4 months post chemo

10-27-16

10/27/16 Almost done with Radiation. Hair at strange awkward stage. 5 months post chemo

 

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11/7/16 Last day of Radiation. Last day of Treatment

 

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11/30/2016 6 months post Chemo. (Wednesdays we wear pink)

 

1/31/17 – 8 months since Chemo. Finally got it colored today! No cut though….

 2/28/17.  9 months since Chemo. Hair looks darker than it really is here. Bad lighting!

 

 3/30/17 10 months since Chemo.  And 1 year since I got my head shaved! Still haven’t gotten it trimmed or anything…just colored. I am wearing a headband so it’s pulled back. But kinda feeling like a hippie.

4/30/17 11 months since chemo. I can almost braid parts of it. It’s out of control and crazy. I have not gotten anything trimmed or cut yet. Still not sure I’ll ever cut it again. The thickness is a little less than it was before but not real noticeable. It’s getting better. Still really curly. I actually blow it out to straighten it. I’ll have to get a “natural” picture. But nice to not have to really use a curling iron yet.

Bring it.

Nov1

After 28 full radiation sessions which consisted of the lymph nodes and the entire left chest area, the last 5 are right to the scar and that’s it.  So there is a new cut out and new positions for this. The cut out is the shape of my scar and they put it down real close with a barrier between the machine and my skin. Then ZAP! So 29 down, 4 to go.

I’m kinda glad we are done with under my armpit for the lymph nodes because it’s really kinda gnarly looking at this point.  And yes it hurts like a motherfucker.  So I just have to keep my scar area from getting all blistery and shit, and I’m home free.

Tomorrow I see both my Medical and Radiology oncologists.  So the Medical oncologist is first…we are going to put me on some more medications to help stop hormones.  Really? Because I’m such a joy and a half already. It will be interesting to see what side effects I get from that one.  It’s like Christmas….you just never know what gift lies ahead with all these treatments.  And then with Radiology she is going to look at my skin to see if we end Friday or Monday.  And to let me know when my follow-up appointment with her is.  Because you know they don’t just drop you…oh no…you are in it for life.   At least I will only have to go in every 6 months to see everyone.

I didn’t go to the gym yesterday and I didn’t go today.  There’s a 90% chance I won’t go tomorrow either.  I’m sticking to stretching and keeping it low until my skin heals under my arm and chest.  I tried to work out without moving my arm, but you see then there is this sweat thing that happens and boy does that not feel good.  So laying low for a week isn’t going to kill me.  Nothing is really working out as I planned…but I should be used to it by now. Oh and since I didn’t get to partake in Halloween candy yesterday I got a bite-sized peanut butter cup from the Chemo Lab (Because it’s the day after a holiday and they always have candy in there!)  Then I stopped at the Drugstore to get some aloe. (LOL….yeah..lame drug store…) and ended up getting 5 tiny tootsie rolls, 5 Hershey’s kisses and a tootsie pop (cherry).  I think that’s way better than my plan to stop by Dairy Queen for a Blizzard (and get sick from it)

I’ve also come to the point where my positivity has evolved.  I used to be all “I got this!” “Gooooooo me!” “WARRIOR!”  “FIGHT CANCER AND EVERYTHING ELSE!!!!”  “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH”  Yeah, whatever.  Now I’m like “eh…whatever happens happens and I’m just going to stay on my own mat.”  It seems of all the treatments radiation is the one to wear me down and be all like…fuck it….doesn’t matter.  Now don’t get me wrong…don’t take my lack of enthusiasm for giving up or not being strong.  I now just wait to see what is thrown at me and with a deep sigh under my breath “bring it.”

The Home Stretch

Oct30

stretch

Tomorrow is the last full dose of radiation treatment. It’s the last one to my lymph nodes. The remaining 5 are boosts to the tumor site. I’ve been very emotional the last week over all this. I mean I’m ecstatic that I’m down to the end. I’m excited about rebuilding myself both physically and mentally. But at the same time, I’m scared to death of what comes next. The possibility of it all coming back. The being alone again. All the cheerleaders have stopped. All the support ceases. You have beat cancer and now you must pick up all your pieces and start over and figure out what to do with them all.

People have been very interesting through this journey. From the people who dissapear because they don’t know what to say, to the people who you are just like…shut up while you can still save yourself. I get it, unless you have been through it it’s a crap shoot. Unless you really know the person you really don’t know what to say.  I have one relative who from day one has been there. He was at a lost at first and we talked about it. But he knows me so he knew what he could and shouldn’t say. He knew for the most part to just talk to me like a person and update me on what is going on. Talk about the same things we have always talked about. He’s one of the only people who realized I was still me.  And he would ask me questions about the cancer. He wanted to understand and know everything. Now I had a few close friends who have been the same way, and I appreciate these people more than they will ever know.

Now I have had conversations with people who just don’t get it. They don’t know the facts, they don’t want to know the facts, they have no concept of this journey, and they don’t want to know about it. They assume they know. Knowing someone who has had cancer or having a relative or friend who is in the industry in some way shape or form does not make you the expert on it.  I mean my husband is a pathology supervisor. He diagnosis all the lumps and bumps for a living. I don’t claim to know what he knows.  And he never having cancer doesn’t claim to know what I know. On the good side we have helped eachother understand from eachother’s point of view.  So that has been good.  But I digress.  If you have never actually been thorugh it, choose your advice and thoughts and knowledge of the subject with caution. But like they say…opinions are like assholes…everyone has one.

My issue is that when someone says something that is untrue (or talking out of their ass) it stays with me. It eats at me. I dwell on it. My mind won’t rest for days because of it. So what I need to do is stop listening to people who have their opinion.  I mean it’s great that they have one, but doesn’t mean it’s correct. I need to just nod and take it with a grain of salt and then just let it go.  Thats the part I have a hard time with. Letting things go from my mind.  THIS will be the hardest part of the Project me phase.  How to not let people get in your head.  This has always been an issue with me so I suppose it’s another reason I’m down this path….I’m my own worst enemy.

So outside of that the radiation site is probably a 2nd degree burn at this point.  They had mentioned taking a break at one point, but since I was so close to being done we are just going to go ahead and move forward. I have some creams to put on to help.  But besides the skin burning I have a pain inside which I’m sure is more things waking up and going “oh shit.” We have put physical thereapy on hold until my skin heals up. I go back on the 17th of November. Just one last check up and go over exercises that I’m going to continue on without them and then they will discharge me  there.

epicFatigue has been up and down. For the most part I’m able to get in 3-4 days at the gym.  So I do my cardio for 35 minutes then some core strenthening and then stretching. Once I’m done with radiation and my energy comes up a bit I’m going to start yoga a few times a week.  Once I get the core stronger and my full range of motion back then I’ll add weights.  All this working out though radiation is just to keep my energy up so I can make it through. I’m not trying to get buff or anything at this point.  This whole process is just going to be baby steps.  Slow and steady.  And just stay on my own mat.

I’ll say it again I’m sure but, a huge shout out to my rock in life and the one who has been there with me and has gotten me through the darkest of days, my husband.  And to my cousin who is more like a brother to me who has been there with me, who needed to learn as much as he could, to keep me laughing and take my mind off of things when I needed it most. To my Aunt and Uncle who came to see me. Two of my oldest friends who are my sounding boards that listen to my rants about anything and everything. And all my other friends and family who have supported me to keep my spirits up through all this craziness.  (Coloring books, oragami,  water bottles, blankets, tote bags,TastyKakes, scarves, hats, cards, inspirational books, fuzzy pajamas, and other goodes) I love you all. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart….I couldn’t have done it all without you.

 

Montana Sherek Update

Oct20

wp-1476998272783.jpgIt’s been a few weeks since I posted here and only a week or so since I posted on FB. But let’s see what has been going on on Sherek Acres:

So I’m sure I’ve mentioned that we joined the gym…part of that new healthy lifestyle and something positive and productive in our lives.  They have a racquet club so Pete has been getting back into tennis.  He’s been getting some good court time a few days a week and then is swimming and working out on the days he’s not hitting balls.  I guess this weekend the club is having some charity benefit that we are going to go watch some pros play.  And Pete is going to hit with some pros for an hour.  That should be a good time. Pete also hit his year anniversary of living in Montana.  He left Colorado on October 16th.

Working on the house has slowed down a bit.  We were going to redo the bathrooms but decided to just wait until next spring since the weather is starting to get a little on the nippy side. (Winter is Coming)  But I did decorate the master bath so that the layout doesn’t bother us as much. The main floor bathroom…eh…not much to do with it really…but I just don’t like it. And the bathroom in the basement just needs to be gutted.  But I got some rugs and a shower curtain…it will have to do for a few more months.  Outside of that, my craft room is the store all for everything and the guest room is okay, but would still like to do a few more things in there. We finally got the 4th bedroom/utility room pretty much cleaned out.  We are toying with putting in a water softener in.  Still figuring that one out.  I think Pete’s garage is going to be a constant work in progress. Again, he chisels away at it a little bit at a time.  We did just get a truck load of gravel for the drive way. It evened it out better than it was…but I think we are going to have to do something else come spring. The thing is everything looks just SO different from when we moved in. It’s just crazy the amount of work Pete put into the house.

I’m coming towards the end of my radiation. 11 more to go. (22 down). There are days where I’m completely exhausted but I try to force myself to go to the gym and do at least 30 minutes of exercise.  Now it doesn’t always happen. Some days I just can’t. But I’ve been getting at least 3 days a week in.  Cardio, lots of stretching and core exercises. My back went out because of my lack of activity after surgery so core work has been key to a lot of this recovery stuff.  I am going to physical therapy once a week.  I had my Lupron shot Friday, that was a wild ride.  I hope that gets better, the side effects are pretty annoying for the first 48 hours and then slowly start getting better. My skin is holding up okay from radiation. A few spots that are getting red and itchy. Getting a wicked tan under my arm. I meet with my oncologist on November 2nd to discuss my next phase of treatment. Whoo Hoo.

So now since it’s the end of October I’m kinda bummed that we won’t be doing the Halloween party this year. I mean…it’s been a highlight of the year usually! A kick-off to the holiday season. Fine. Whatever. I will just jump to figuring out the Thanksgiving menu and of course, need to start planning and thinking about December and those festivities.

Warrioring is Hard

Oct11

This past weekend was the Team Up Montana festivities. We did the parade then tailgate then the Football game. I was interviewed on TV which I really wish I had prepared statements ready. I am really no good at popping cohesive sentences together without some thought. But we had a really good time.

I had radiation treatment number 14 today. Almost half way through. It’s starting to kick my ass. And I think it’s showing since the last few times I’ve gone in the nurses have commented on how tired I look. I’ve been forcing myself to go to the gym after treatment. Usually right after treatment I’m drained and feel sick to my stomach. By the time I get on the elliptical machine it pretty much goes away.  So I’m doing at least 30 minutes of cardio of some type. Right now it’s the elliptical. Then I go do some strength exercises.  I’m doing tiredvery light to no weights for my upper body right now.  So I’m either just going through the movement of the exercise or using 3 pound weights. I have to go slow. My body is very good at telling me when to stop. Like today…my mind wanted to keep going but my body told me I was done for the day.  I’m also doing low weight and high reps for lower body. Then I’m doing stretching. Lots of stretching and back strengthening exercises. When I get home I try to walk Cleo up the hill and do my loop on the upper part of the property.

I would like nothing more than to just lay in bed all day and sleep. But I’m convinced that the only way to get through this is to keep my immune system strong and my energy up. The best way to do that is with Exercise and eating right.  It’s similar to what I did to get through Chemo but a higher level.  The eating thing is the same but different. I have no desire to eat any sort of meat.  So I stick to fruit and vegetables and protein drinks. But I’m definitely exercising more.  It’s funny because I still can’t drink anything that is THAT color red! I wonder if that will ever go away.

I’m also taking a high dose of Vitamin D for 8 weeks to help with my bone loss issue.  This is supposed to help with energy levels and depression. (Depression? what the hell would I have to be depressed about??!!!!)  I don’t know if it’s working. But I would have to assume that I would be in worse shape if I wasn’t taking it.

Wednesdaylotions I meet with the Doctor to check how everything is going. So far I only have one spot that is pretty tender and that’s where the tumor was up against the chest wall.  But overall the skin is holding up okay. They stressed how skin care is critical to this whole thing…and they are correct.  So I’ve actually been following directions on this.

On Thursdays they retake pictures and see if they need to make any changes.

But I only have 19 more to go! I’m in the teens! Goooooooo Warrior!

Transition

Oct5

Still going through good days and bad days.  They are a little different than before. Prior treatment was more physical bad days.  Now I’m going through more mental bad days. (Physically I’m exhausted and adjusting to a lot of things that have changed.) It’s more of a “what happens next?” panic.  This usually happens after I am feeling kind of normal and do something I used to do and then have some sort of physical side effect from it. This quickly brings me back to the reality that I’m not all better yet.  I had a discussion withp-3 one of the Radiology Oncologists today about that specific thing.  He told me that it will be a year before I start to feel somewhat normal. So in the meantime remember that I’m still going through treatment and still need to be kind to myself.

Now me being the type of person who needs a timeline, I’m realizing that with this I can’t. But I have to always have a plan.  So, what does someone who needs to always have a plan do in a situation where you have no control over what is going on physically with them? Well…I guess first I’m going to have to be kind to myself for a bit.  I will continue to eat right. I will exercise as many days of the week I can tolerate.  I will not beat myself up if I miss a day or two of exercise or eat something I’m not supposed to.  I know that once I am finished with treatment, I will be able to really focus on rebuilding. And I know even then I need to not be too hard on myself. Right no,w I just feel like I’m in this weird transition. Part of me is so over this and ready to move on. The other part is still in “cancer mode.” But I know that  I will get back into shape. I will get back to my new normal.

Rebuilding!!

Sep28

Went to the gym today. (I know 3 posts in one day…I just thought they should be all different posts rather than one big long one….the average human doesn’t have the attention span to read more than half a page).  I usually get on the treadmill and walk. Yawn. Then I go stretch. Then I go home.  Today I was prepared to do the same thing.  I walked into the locker room to put my stuff in there and look up and this little kid is looking at me confused. Then asks his mom if I was a girl or a boy. The mother reassured him that only girls were allowed in this locker room. So. Yeah. My first reaction was to be very upset and want to cry and leave. Then I’m like…it’s a kid. You see a person with short hair and no boobs it’s kind of a fair question. So as I’m convincing myself to not take it personally and get very self conscience about my appearance (I mean I have just gotten the courage to go without the scarf on my head!)  I get upstairs and look at the treadmill, then look at the elliptical machine. The old me used to do the elliptical and a beastly pace. Well today I decided to see how I would fare on that elliptical Machine. I started out slow. Used the one with the arm poles.  I never used to use those, but I do them on the bike in therapy so why not. It was feeling pretty good at a slow pace. Started getting into the rhythm of the music and then after 5 minutes stepped it up. Still felt good.  So I would do slow and then every 5 minutes do faster for a minute. It felt good to get my heart rate up and start to sweat a little bit.  I thought LEVEL UP! So I’m feeling good enough to up the workout. So I do my 30 minutes on there and I’m leaving and then there is THE MACHINE. It’s a beast. I’m like let me just get on real quick to see what it feels like.  Well I have a goal.

This bugger takes some coordination and is no joke! So I will do 30 minutes on this in the next few weeks!!!

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Radiation Explained.

Sep28

I was going to start out with “I had radiation today” but then was like…duh, you have radiation every day!  I was thinking about how they do it and started to freak out about frying my lungs and heart and stuff.  Now I know they went over everything with me but they didn’t have pictures.  So I went in today with all my questions.  When you walk through to the treatment room you pass this console and it has your pictures on it.  So I stopped and looked at the CT scan of my chest.  There are all sorts of lines and things written all over it.  So I finally asked them to explain how this works for real.  So When they draw the lines on me it marks the area they are administering radiation…the line divides treatment into it two separate parts.  I was thinking they were doing the whole area to the right of my dots over my chest in the back too.  So the first zap is to the back under the arm to get to the backside of the lymph nodes. The second zap is to the front of the same spot to get the front of the lymph nodes.  The third zap they change the machine and put a pad on my chest and move the machine in closer. This zap is the one that gets where the tumor was. It doesn’t go as deep but it concentrates with the help of the padding.  So it doesn’t go deep enough to hit my lungs or heart. If it does it’s very minimal.

So here’s my awesome drawing to explain what they are doing for radiation. (I’m making a fist with my right hand there so back up off my hands!)

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Hooray for Boobies (part 2)

Sep28

The last time I had this title I was announcing that my breasts were trying to kill me and I had Breast Cancer. Today, I’m celebrating the new ones I have. (and am getting)  So I”m not just settling for one size any more!  I want it all!!!!!  I’ve pretty much come to the conclusion that I’m not going to have reconstructive surgery. I mean I don’t want to go under the knife again if I don’t HAVE to, and I hear the procedure is pretty painful.  Considering I have a section where the tumor was very close to the wall the skin lays right on the bone, so it’s kinda thin and well kinda weird.  I don’t know how well that would work and I’m not about to risk unnecessary complications. Besides no one is ever putting drain tubes in my chest again!!  And ya’ll with your own breasts can’t just take them off at the end of the day when you get tired of them.  AND You can’t change the size of them depending on your mood.  So….

Yesterday I went in to get fitted for my prosthesis.  To be honest I had no idea what to expect at all. I’ve never been in for an actual bra fitting before so I really didn’t know how that worked either.  I mean when you go bra shopping you pick what you think looks right put it on determined to fit within certain numbers and be comfortable and look decent under clothes. So the first part of the fitting is determining what size breast you want.  They measure you for band size first and then take a stab to start with a cup size that sounds good to you. WELL not only did I have no idea that you take your rib measurement and add 5 inches and fit to the last hook on the bra, but as the band number goes up the cup increases.  In addition to this every bra manufacturer has different parameters. Ladies this is why we have such a hard time with this task…nothing is standard. And when you find a bra you love and know that it will be discontinued after a year or so, you start the pain all over again.

The other thing I found out is that different countries have different parameters as well. European bras cup sizes and band sizes are a little different.  The company that I am getting my bras and prosthesis thorough is a German company.  So I said lets start with a C cup because that’s what I was most comfortable with most of my life. (before I gained weight and hormones took over my breast size).  I put on a C and I was like “The Germans like a woman with a nice ample breast don’t they!?!”  I would put a German C cup at an American DD.  Because those puppies were the size I had when they were removed!  And no thank you…don’t want to do that.  So after a lot of feeling myself up and having some strange woman feel me up for an hour I finally decided on a nice set.

For more on bra sizing and countries here’s an interesting link:  Bra Size Comparisons.

They didn’t have an extra set of the size I got (7 for the curious mind which is about an American C). I had to leave with a little smaller size (6) which is fine…for the days I want to be a little more demure. But they are a silicone base and feel just like a real one.  I’m sure I”ll name them once they come in.  Now for those of you uber curious types here are pictures!  Yay! pictures of boobies!  There are 2 different kind the same size…hey these were free what do you want!  I’ll take pictures of my “real” fake ones when they come in.

So as you can see they come in a nice little case. And they have a nice little formed bed to rest in. And they are squishy.

ZAPPED!!!!

Sep22

20160922_082725Welcome to the last phase of treatment!!  Yes I will be starting an additional anti hormone drug in November. But this will be the last treatment I have to physically go in and have something done to me over time. And to commemorate this I will be parking in front of the “Fire tree” in the garage.  So Radiation!  I have 32 sessions left after today. (33 in total) They never add and they will not release me early.  Evidently there is this magic number of 33 they come up with that gives the best results with doing the least damage.  If I miss one due to weather or because I need to take a break due to skin issues they tack those to the end. 20160922_101433

I did the math of the number of hours spent with Chemo and the number spent with Radiation…Chemo still wins with spending the most time there.  Roughly 56 hours with chemo and 16.50 hours total for Radiation.  I guess Radiation seems like more because its every day M-F for 33 days.  But the sessions are only 15-30 minutes. Note these times include set up time. But anyway….

I went in and I put the very stylish hospital gown on. (just top half). I had to wait in the dressing room until they came to get me. 20160922_103122 Then I met my radiology team. There are 5 of them. I lay down on my back on the cool machine and they get me all lined up against all my awesome tattoos. They drew some lines on my chest. Evidently they will draw these lines every day. The theory is they come off in the shower…so they will know!!!!  LOL  Anyway, They took some pictures of my chest and finally zapped me. They do the top side and then the back side. So they radiate the entire area every day. Then they put this thing on my chest (not sure what it’s called yet…I’m sure I’ll learn more over the next few weeks). This pad on my chest is to force a concentration of radiation to the specific tissue where Cruella was. That was it.20160922_105104

I asked if there was anything I needed to do or not do. Any special creams or whatever they needed to give me.  I was told to just not put any lotion on my body like 3 hours before radiation treatment. Use all natural soaps and lotions and if I need to use deodorant on my left arm it should be natural (no aluminum). But they will give me things as I need them as things come up.  There is nothing they can give me to prevent skin issues, but there are things I should not use to keep skin issues from happening. We’ll see how any side effects (if any) come about.  Would be nice if I get out of this without any.  So far I’m a little tired today and I had some water and it tasted like metal.  Could be completely unrelated but I’ll keep an eye on it.

So this is my thing for the next month and a half.  Whoo Hoo.

In other news I had PT and it’s going to be real important to massage my arms and chest area and lymphatic massage.  Radiation will tighten things up so I need to really take care of that area and my skin. They sent over the prescription for my sleeve and glove today.  If the glove makes my hand feel better I’ll get one for my right hand as well.  I’ll only have to wear the sleeve and glove when I work out, any type of exercise or when it feels swollen. Hopefully it will stay that way and we can stay ahead of it.  If it gets worse we will deal with it at that time.