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Finding My Second Wind

Oct7

For the first time in a long while, I feel a spark again.
It’s subtle, but it’s there — a second wind that’s guiding me toward something meaningful. I have a few projects on the horizon that I’m genuinely excited about, and that excitement feels… new. Familiar in a way, yet deeply different. Maybe that’s because this version of me — the one standing here now — isn’t who I used to be.

Over the past months, I’ve spent a lot of time looking inward. Trying to understand this “new me.” The one who carries both strength and fragility. The one who’s learning not to fight every twist in her path, but to flow with it — to dance with it.

A conversation with another member of the Stage 4 club shifted my perspective completely. He told me, “With Stage 4, you’re not a warrior, and you’re not a survivor — you’re a dancer.”
That really hand an impact on me and made me think. Then of course “YAAAAAAAASSSSSS!!!”

Because it’s true.
You stop trying to battle every cell, every scan, every fear — and instead, you learn to move with it. You sway between good days and bad, you rest when your body demands it, and you rise again when your spirit calls. You dance with life, with uncertainty, and yes, even with cancer.

Personally, I call my tumors and lesions “the parties.” They come and go, sometimes loud and wild, sometimes quiet and contained. Every so often, I check in — just to make sure they’re not getting out of control. It’s my way of keeping humor and grace alive in the middle of chaos.

Through reflection (and a lot of honesty), I’m finally starting to come to terms with who I am now — and even more, I’m beginning to appreciate what I’ve been through. Every setback, every scar, every “why me” moment has shaped this version of me that’s ready to create again.

The projects I’m working on are born from that journey. They come from the parts of me that have felt lost, found, broken, rebuilt, and redefined. I can’t wait to share them with you in the coming weeks — not just for those living with metastatic cancer, but for anyone trying to rediscover meaning in their own story.

Because maybe that’s what the second wind really is —
not the return of who we were, but the beginning of who we’re meant to become.

Grieving the Old Me with Stage IV Cancer

Sep1

Grief with stage IV cancer isn’t just about death—it’s about losing pieces of yourself while you’re still here.

I grieve the life I had. The ability to plan a day and actually do it. The energy to say yes without wondering if I’ll be too fatigued, in pain, or stuck at another surprise blood draw. I watch people go on with their lives and sometimes wish I could just jump in without a second thought.

Instead, trips are shorter, closer, slower. They’re built with rest breaks and backup plans. My daily schedule has shifted from “here’s my whole day” to “here’s what I might try this week.” And when I don’t get it all done, it feels like failure—like I wasn’t enough.

The truth is, cancer has taught me a brutal lesson: energy isn’t just physical. Emotional energy drains faster than running a marathon. My body is fighting behind the scenes 24/7. And my brain? Let’s just say it’s its own exhausting full-time job.

So now I live in a rhythm: do a thing, rest, recharge, repeat. High-energy, pre-cancer me would’ve laughed at the idea of needing recovery time after folding laundry. Yet here I am, with a bullet journal (yes, I caved) trying to map out energy like its currency. I may not be able to control my body but I can take charge of how I respond to it.

This grief isn’t the same as mourning a death, but it is mourning—the loss of my old self, of the version of me who didn’t have to measure every ounce of energy just to exist. And yeah, it sucks.

But I’m still here. I’m still me—just reshaped. Different. Learning to live in this “new normal.” (ugh! I hate that term…must find something else like ‘The Realness Era’ or ‘Life 2.0 – with glitches’) And maybe the most defiant thing I can do is name the grief, feel it, and still keep moving forward, just a little slower and without a plan.

And this my friends is what it is to be resilient. One of the most important lessons to learn from your time on this rock.

I’m baaaack!

Jul23

It’s been a minute since I’ve written anything. Been a bit busy. I just looked and I haven’t posted since March 2023! Wow!

Okay, so… We moved to Louisville, Kentucky, in November 2024. Pete actually moved in October 2024, because I stayed behind to deal with the house! I finally just picked up and let our wonderfully amazing realtor, neighbor, and friend take care of things for us. Mindy and Steve are just the most wonderful people. I will for sure miss them the most.

Drove across the country, two dogs and a cat. My sister-in-law, who lives in Wyoming, graciously agreed to keep me company on the trip. We had a pretty good time. Stopped at Devils Tower, Mt. Rushmore, and the Badlands. OH, and Sturgis. It was pretty dead that time of year. But we saw some of the most incredible sights. And we stopped in Indianapolis to see her son, my nephew, for a bit. It was really nice to see him.

We spent 2 months in Airbnb’s with all the animals. That was super fun. I do not recommend. We closed on our house in Montana the same day we closed on the house here. So that was kind of nerve-wracking. We moved in the day before New Year’s Eve. I just wanted to sleep in my own bed! I think we got everything unpacked in less than a week. The house had this bright yellow door. The living room was yellow…I mean YELLOW, the kitchen/dining room was peach. And the bedroom was purple with a silver stripe. It was for sure very colorful. One of the first things we did was have the living room, hall, bedroom, kitchen/dining room, and bathrooms painted. I mean, for the love of all.

Weird being close to family again. Over the holidays, it was very overwhelming. Thanksgiving, my birthday (Pete decided to have a get-together to surprise me), Christmas. I had a family dinner in our house after it was painted and everything. Kind of an open house if you will. But I’m slowly getting used to everything. Weird going from being isolated from town and people all day to living in a neighborhood and having people to do things with.

It was disheartening to leave my DRS in Montana. Very emotional. I have been with them all since the very beginning. Initial diagnosis, the tears, the laughs, the stage IV tragedy. I still miss them like crazy. I have a new team here in Louisville. I have my Oncologist, whom I finally got to smile and laugh a bit. We are still trying to establish a relationship. I have a Cardiologist, because well, the heart thing. I was having heart pains, shortness of breath, and dizziness. Turns out it’s anxiety. I said that, but I guess they need to go through all the things to cover all the bases. I have an Oncology Psychiatrist, primary doctor, a bunch of nurses, and my pharmacy team. I’m going to be getting a Radiology Oncologist here in the next few weeks. But more about that to come.

Trying to learn who does what. Usually, my Medical Oncologist pretty much did it all except a few things. But I think it would have changed a bit had I stayed longer. I was already seeing the nurse most of the time. But the doctor. would always check in on me. It’s for sure a little more corporate here. Everyone has a specific job. Medical Oncologist oversees my cancer and any scans, treatments for cancer. My Onc. Psycharist handles the anxiety meds and keeps me grounded. There is a pain management group I’m in. My cardiologist, of course, is all about my heart and blood pressure, which has been a tad on the high side (shocking). And then my primary doctor, who is an absolute trip. I love him out of all my doctors. He looks at everything and balances everything out. Makes sure overall I’m doing good. He talked to my other doctors to keep everyone in the loop. We just did my cholesterol and well…meh. We also did my A1C. I’ve never had that done before!

Okay, let’s talk about cancer and all the fun. We have reduced my main med (Ibrance) because my white blood cell count has been giving us issues. I’m pretty much going in every other week to get my blood tested to see where we are. I’ve had so many scans: brain, CT, MRI, bone, and heart. I’ve had stress tests, heart monitors for 2 weeks, and I now have a CPAP machine. Evidently, I have sleep apnea, which I don’t snore anymore. So I suppose it’s nice to know I have less chance of dying in my sleep because I stop breathing. We have been playing with anxiety meds and mood stabilizers. I was completely fine with the Lexapro, but they seem to think I have some sort of depression. (News flash! I can’t imagine why.)

My cancer treatment hasn’t changed, just a lower dose of Ibrance; other than that, the same. I’m still doing my Zometa infusions; it seems every 2 months now. But the last time I did my tumor markers, they went up. I was having pain in my hip pretty bad. We did a CT and bone scan. The bone scan was a trip. I’ve never had one like that before. They shoot you up with some radioactive stuff, and you have to wait 3 hours, and then they do the scan. I have learned that during scans, I just zone out and use it to meditate…or sleep if they have my head stabilized. But they are going to zap the lesion on my hip to help with pain and hopefully keep it from growing any more. The reason they didn’t change my meds or are zapping more is because that’s the only one that seems they need to spread the party. Like dude, you have your space, stay in it.

So, yeah. Blood pressure is all over the place. I am on blood pressure meds. Had my cholesterol tested. Total was high. LDL was normal, HDL was high. We will see what they do with that. I’m thinking nothing. And I had my A1C checked. I’ve never had that either. Seems I’m prediabetic. Now, a few weeks ago I met with the oncology dietitian. Oh yeah, I have a dietitian too. She told me how I need to look at eating. Not to worry about calories, but to focus on the food. Basically, every meal should have a protein, a whole grain, and a fruit/vegetable. And of course some healthy fats. She said that this will keep my blood sugar stable, so I don’t go off on some binge. My cardiologist wants me to walk every day. Start low and gradually work up. She said not to worry about distance but time. So start with 10 minutes and every week or so add another 5 minutes. This should all help with my sleep. Did I mention I also have a sleep doctor? I’m going to start making trading cards and collect as many doctors as I can. (ha!)

I have closed my business, shut down all my brilliant ideas (except this one, of course). I’m not doing the magazine anymore. Oh, I was doing the layout for Wedding Planner Magazine for 3 issues, and I just had to stop. That’s a discussion for another time! So my job now is to take care of myself and be happy. I’m getting involved with the cancer community here. And I’m working on a top secret special project that is wonderful because I have no deadlines, and it’s not for anyone but me.

So welcome back to my crazy world!

Crazy Ideas

Feb14

I said I wasn’t going to come back to this site, but I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this past year. I mean one can’t just end this! There is still more to the story.

I don’t want people to get the impression that once treatment is over that’s it. Since I’ve shared so much of myself through here, I should share all of it. The biggest thing is, what happens next? I mean you stop treatment and everything is back to normal. Far from it.

I try very hard to not let all of this define me. I don’t attend support group meetings anymore. I don’t talk about it much at all. Every now and again I may make a comment when someone doesn’t want to be bothered getting a mammogram. But its like I just want to pretend it never happened. It seems some people become all consumed and being a “survivor” consumes them. Others would rather no one knew. I would like to find a balance. I don’t want to be THAT person who makes everything about cancer. But I realize I can’t disregard it because its a part of who I am whether I like it or not. I still am being affected. As much as I’d like to say I’m 100% over it and everything is just like it was, I’d be lying.

2016 the year of cancer

2017 the year of recovery

2018 the year to rebuild

2019 the comeback

They say it takes a while to get back some sort of normal. I can honestly say that now coming up on year 3 I’m just feeling like the fog is being lifted a little more and things are becoming clearer. So my biggest piece of advice AC (after cancer) is to be kind and patient with yourself. Some things will eventually go back to normal, but a lot of things won’t, at least they haven’t for me yet!

Ultimately, I’d like people to find this so they find some comfort in the unknown. Yes, everyone’s journey is very different. No two people react the same. I just remember how scary and devastating everything is.

So here’s to the next section of the journey….

 

New Direction!

Mar25

Greetings all.

So I feel like I’ve come to an end of my journey here on this site. What started out as a blog to help me track my progress in getting healthy and getting in shape in my 40s turned into my cancer blog. It’s been a year and 4 months since treatment ended. So it’s time for me to move on. I feel like I’ve graduated to Diva at this point and no longer need the training!

20180313_102118

It has been fabulous to have an outlet through the whole cancer thing. I hope that I have helped and inspired at least one person who went through the same ordeal. As you can see from the picture, my hair is back, and with my prosthesis in you would never know I ever went through anything. Mentally I still have moments of panic. I still wonder what if. Every now and then I have a moment, especially when it’s something emotional. But for the most part, I’m good. I don’t cry every day anymore.  I don’t fear going to sleep because I think I’ll never wake up.  And I’m pretty sure if it comes back, it will be okay.

I’ve come to terms with the way my body is now and I’m really okay with it. People seem horrified when they find out I never had reconstruction. It’s okay. I quite enjoy taking the foobs off at the end of the day! I am not exhausted all the time like I was. I still have pain and days I don’t feel well. But I think between the medication and old age it’s about as good as it’s going to get. I can exercise, play tennis and I’m starting to add some weight to my workouts. I still have to stretch my arms and shoulders every day or they tighten up. I have to be careful what I eat because my chest area will swell. Yeah, that’s a new feature I’ve obtained. But it could be worse.

I feel like for the most part, I’m over all the after-effects of cancer and treatment. This is about as normal as I think it’s going to get! So I close the book on this chapter of my life and start a new one. I am moving over to www.erikasherek.com. Here I’ll be talking more about what I’m doing and my goals to get back in shape as well as the hobbies I have and the goings on at Sherek Acres!

I want to thank all of you for your support over the last few years. It has meant the world to me. This site will still be up for anyone who wants to reference anything or has questions. I am always available to answer questions or to just vent at! Hopefully, I won’t need to come back here except when I want to reflect. I’m banking on not having to add to this blog anymore!

Always be fabulous!!!!

Erika – Full Fledged Diva

 

 

October

Oct1

Oh October. It’s this love-hate relationship. My Dad’s birthday would have been tomorrow…69th birthday. And my mothers birthday would have been on the 7th, the big 70.  Several other birthdays and losses in the month of October. It’s also that Breast Cancer Awareness month that I have come to have a really hard time with. I’ll spare you that rant…because we all know my feelings of the bullshit that surrounds that early detecting crap. Been kind of blue the last few days. I’m sure it has something to do with all of the above. I haven’t been moody or anything lately so I’m sure it was just a matter of time.

Anyhoo the things we love about October! it’s a BER month! Which means it’s getting colder, which makes me happy! I’m leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow for the Wedding MBA. I’m super excited about this week. I mean 3 full days of learning stuff from industry experts and meeting a bunch of people that I’ve only emailed and chatted with on FaceBook. So it’s going to be a blast. I’m hoping to come out of this with a lot of information to figure out my plan for 2018.

I start getting a little freaked out about business and then realize that I’m 2 events ahead of what I was this past year. So much can change day to day. I think that’s the hard part is that you can go months with no leads and then all of a sudden you get a bunch. It’s like it goes in waves. The other thing I have to keep remembering is not a lot of people get married around here in the winter months! But I have to try to think of things I want to offer and expand out to keep myself afloat for 12 months out of the year. The first year of the business seems like a mess. I mean learning the area, figuring everything out. I know next year will be better and each year it will improve. And I have to stay away from reading about other planners in the area. There are one or two that honestly don’t bother me and I am happy to help them as much as I can. But some, drive me up a wall. And perception is an interesting thing. I just have to remember to keep my eyes on my own mat! (yoga reference) It can be hard sometimes, but I need to just worry about what I’m doing.

I think the main thing that gets me is that everyone seems to be into doing these styled shoots. I don’t know. I mean I don’t consider myself a designer by any means. And how many styled shoots can one do in a year? And what for? I get it that it’s supposed to promote what you can do, but again, not a designer…I’m an organizer and a planner….hard to do a photoshoot of that! It just seems that people are putting so much effort into that. I start to wonder if I too need to be doing this. I mean if it’s getting them business then great, but if not….just don’t get it. So I don’t know. I feel weird asking all these companies to do yet another styled shoot around here. Seems like there are so many of them going on. I don’t know, I’ll have to investigate this a little more.

I’ve been in the throws of SEO for my site. This winter I’m focusing a lot on marketing and making sure I’m found. I also am trying to figure out exactly who I want to target. I reached out to my clients from this past year to see if I can’t get some reviews for facebook. Seems this is important. A lot of the seminars I’m going to this week are surrounding all this marketing thing and how to drive your SEO. So maybe I’ll learn a thing or two. I can totally see how you need a person to do nothing but make sure your ranking goes up in the world of Google and Bing. I’m completely amazed at the people out there that are giving workshops on this and charging so much money to do this. I had a company call me and they wanted $950 a month.  Or I can take a 6-week class for $1000. I can’t afford that right now! So I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to be smart about this. This first year was just a tester to see how things went. Now I know where I need to put my energy and effort.

It will be interesting what I learn from this week and what direction I’m going to end up taking this business. I have a lot of ideas, I just have to figure out which ones are going to work in this area!

 

Stuff, Stuff and More Stuff

Jun12

So many things going on these days, its sort of a whirlwind! I am in the midst of trying to wrap my head around some sort of schedule. I feel like the last few months I’ve just been flying by the seat of my pants and have no control over anything. Not that there is anything particularly wrong with that, it’s just that it makes me feel like I’m completely out of control. Of course, with all this, I also worry about going back to my old ways…BC.  I think that’s the thing I struggle with the most. Am I going to go back into the same habits that lead me to this point in the first place. The whole thing I wanted was to be less stressed and enjoy life. But I think about life BC and now, and it is very different. I have control over what I do and don’t do. And yes I often have the thought “can I be trusted to even be in control of that!” I know that may not make sense, but I have a tendency to just go with things without thinking and the next thing you know I”m all over the place!

But I digress….The schedule. I’m getting to the point with the event side of the business that all the processes are down and everything is set up. I’ve moved my workout time to the mornings vs. afternoons because well…I’m finding if I wait too long in the day I get wrapped up in other things and end up blowing it off. So, mornings it will be. I’m also trying to compartmentalize all the tasks I have to do so I’m not spending too much time on things I shouldn’t be. Part of my schedule is to set time each week to blog! I haven’t been very good about it all.

My next little project is to get my Signing Agent certification out of the way. I’ve been putting it off for a few months now. So I need to get on it.  My goal is to get that finished up by the end of this month. I started to get more of a feel for that over the last few days. That will be my other little business. Once I get that up and running I can look at the 3rd element of my little empire. Now, one is probably thinking, wait. I thought you were just doing event planning? What is this other stuff you are talking about? Well, I decided to not put all my eggs in one basket. The idea is that if one business is slow, I have something else to fill in the gaps. So what is this 3rd component? Aaaahhhhh….working on that….will reveal once I have it all figured out in my head.

Let’s see, healthwise, things are going okay. I get tired a bit here and there, but I also haven’t been working out. So I have to get my butt in gear on that. Certain things are always in the back of my mind. Every little pain and weird feeling puts me on alert. I don’t’ know if that will ever change. But honestly the only thing I can do is exercise, eat right and try to keep my stress down. Outside of that, whatever will be will be.

Next week is the last anniversary in the teens. Geeze! 19 years! That kinda seems crazy. We are going to celebrate by going to the coast. I’ve never seen the Pacific ocean so I’m pretty excited about the whole thing. We are spending 1 night on the coast of Oregon and then 2 nights in Portland since he hasn’t been there. I suspect it’s going to be a really good time. We have friends in the Portland area, so I’m pretty sure we will all get together. We haven’t seen them in years! It will be a good time. BUT it will be the first time we take Cleo to a kennel. I like to refer to it as camp. It makes me feel better. I’m sure she will survive it and be just fine. The mom always has a harder time leaving her kids than they do!

Social Media…

May25

downloadI’ve been spending quite a bit of time on social media these days.  Developing a “presence.” While I create and write stuff it also makes me think. So I guess it’s doing what creating and writing is supposed to do. So that’s a good thing I suppose. I’ve noticed that everyone is very busy these days doing something. Remember the old days when you would reach out and talk to friends and family on the phone to catch up and see what is going on? Or you would meet them in person somewhere? I was thinking how this seems to happen less and less. At first I was starting to take all this non communication from people personally.  But then it kind of hit me. No body needs to communicate directly any more. Most people post their day to day (minute by minute) happenings on Social Media. First, don’t I think it’s cute that anyone actually reads anything I put out there? But I’m going to humor myself and assume that people pay attention to my stuff.

I know I find myself doing this all the time. I read their Facebook posts so I kinda know what is going on with everybody. Some people have stopped posting on Facebook, so I just assume they want to be left alone, and it’s nothing more than just wanting to unplug from the world. Which is probably something I should try doing for a bit.  I know I try to reach out to people that I’m close to outside of the online world. And honestly there is only like 1 person that I don’t live with that I talk to on the phone to catch up. Really just because happenings are just too complex with some things to type… Everyone else, a text, a post response…something very non-intimate.

Then I start to think about the lack of communication in the dealings with people on a day to day basis. You would think with the world overly communicating that everyone would be super good at it. Well, not so much. It seems that everyone although very “vocal” on a keyboard, has trouble communicating with actual people. I suppose that makes sense. This would also explain why everyone is very self centered. Everything is about ME ME ME ME ME. People don’t know how to listen. This is because they don’t practice this. They don’t have to. They sit on a computer or their phone and have one way conversations. They pay no attention to what is actually being said or printed. People skim articles, emails and posts. They don’t know how to comprehend. To slow down enough and stop waiting to respond enough to pay attention to what is being said or written. I think we are seeing this not only with our friends and family, but in our businesses and our government. I also believe this is why there is so much misunderstanding in the world. I don’t think it’s necessarily that so many people think so differently about topics, it’s that no one is listening to one another about them.

social mediaThe art of listening. Of taking the time to focus on something other than your own thoughts and feelings. People may just learn a thing or two not only about who they are communicating with, but about themselves.

So that’s my little mini rant today. Over nothing specific or particular. Just something I was thinking about while I was self indulged in my own self, blocking out the reset of the world. So homework for myself. (Yeah, see how this has become a theme lately? weird) Anyway….homework…To talk less and listen more. To not be so anxious to share my thoughts while other people are talking so I’m not listening or paying attention to them.

Now again, my disclaimer: These are my opinions as I see them. Open to interpretation. And always willing to hear people’s thoughts or opinions.

May Update

May21

I guess I’m only going to update once a month these days. I’m kind of slacking, but, in my defense, I’ve been super busy with things. So it’s been kind of crazy. So let’s see what’s gone on the last 2 months!

Business: Geeze. So much work. I pretty much have most everything in place. I’m working on a few other ideas I have. Weddings seem to be taking precedence over everything right now for some reason. I have everything up on WeddingWire and a few other sites. I have all my forms and processes pretty much down. I just have to finish my Wedding Workbook for clients. I think I’m going to include it in full planning and be purchased for any other package. The website is pretty much done. I have to work on the SEO side of it right now. But there is also the Boutique that needs to be added. That’s going to be something I work on for next year I think.  I have 2 weddings booked for July at this point and a meeting for one next August. So the wedding side of thing is starting to move along. The next thing I want to tackle is the Funeral portion. and then finally the social. I’ll do corporate events but I don’t know that I’m going to promote it a whole lot. We’ll see how things plan out.  So in addition to all this planning stuff, I’m working on my Signing Agent Certification. I have to do a little more research with this. I have some time.  The more I think about things the more I think I need to start pushing the boutique a little sooner than later.  I have so many ideas on what I want to do and I’m kinda just going for it all. I will have my empire before too long!

Health: Eh. I’ve actually been doing pretty good. Had my lupron shot last month and it was ugly for a few days, but not nearly as bad as before. But I am getting to the gym at least 4 days a week. Pilates and yoga on the weekend and eating half way decent. And then this week hit. OMG, I’ve been down all week. I blame it on the airplane! That’s the only viable explanation.  So once I get past this I can get back on track. It’s driving me nuts to not be able to do what I want to do! It started with a sore throat, then the fever blisters, then coughing. So much coughing. Then the left eye got all red, swollen, itchy and burning. Then the other eye got the same way. So my eyes are all leaky and get stuck shut. But what’s funny now is, Pete asked me how I was yesterday and my automatic response was “I’ve felt worse.” As much as I’m not a fan of being sick, I’m just glad I didn’t get this while I was in treatment. Things may have turned out a bit different.

Family: Went to go see the kids for mothers day last weekend. I had a wonderful time. It was nice to just hang out and be included in their lives for a few days. I got to spend time with each of them separately and together. I got to watch my son play hockey. It honestly couldn’t have been more wonderful.

So I know the last time I posted I gave myself some “homework” to do. Which for the most part I did stick to. The only thing I really didn’t stick with was the no sugar thing. That’s really hard. But I’m going to keep trying until it sticks. Not in my nature to give up on things. Well, that’s not entirely true. This is my struggle. I feel like I’m always the one that is reaching out to certain people to check in with them. It’s like I’m forcing to keep some sort of relationship. I think it’s harder when those people are family. I mean it’s obvious that they don’t think or care enough about me to just take 20 seconds to just say hi. So why do I continue? I understand that life gets busy and it’s hard to keep up sometimes. But in this day and age with email, texting and social media, I just don’t buy it. If you want to have someone in your life regardless of the miles between you, you will make an effort. But I think you have to come to the realization at some point that not everyone wants YOU in THEIR life. And as sad as that is to me, I think it’s okay. A friend posted something that made me think: “I don’t care about losing people that don’t want to be in my life anymore. I’ve lost people that mean the world to me and I’m doing just fine”

Because I’m not very good at giving up, I feel the same way about people. I don’t like to give up on them. I always have the idea that maybe they are going through a rough patch and they should know that no matter what I will be there if and when they need me. But another part of me is like, come on, other people don’t do that for me, so why should I do it for them. Life is too short to waste time on people who don’t appreciate you. It’s part of my “I have to please everyone” syndrome. Guess that’s something I need to figure out. You know when I was going through treatment, it was the first time in my life I put myself first above everyone else. Becuase I had to. And it seems that having done that I lost some people along the way. I guess I need to take the rose-colored glasses off and see things (and people) for who they really are. I need to focus on all those people who stuck with me and who I realized truly cared. These are the people I need to give my time and energy to.

So again things for me to work on…

  1. keep exercising!
  2. keep eating lots of fruit and vegetables
  3. stay away from added sugars
  4. once a week journal and blog! (personal and professional) I struggle with this!
  5. Appreciate the right people in your life

Updates and fun things

Apr1

I updated my hair chronicles and I didn’t realize I haven’t posted since the end of January. So Here we are 10 months post chemo, 9 months post surgery and almost 5 months since radiation and treatment ended. Seems like a complete life ago. I still tell people I just moved here because I really don’t remember 2016 at all. And as I sit here in do taxes it’s been a challenge to come to the realization that 2016 did, in fact, happen regardless if I was in it or not.

The end of January I decided I was going to register with the staffing agency to see if I can get warmed up and stop sitting around the house. I was very apprehensive about starting any type of job…with people…because I really didn’t feel like my mind was altogether there quite yet. I spent a lot of time doing word games and mind games on the computer. Brain exercises if you will. But I was convinced the only way to truly exercise my brain and get it back together was to get out there and use it in real world situations. On February 3rd I started a temp job. It was doing HR stuff so basically what I was doing before I left Colorado. So something familiar. That was good.  It was nice to talk to people on the phone. I realized when I do interviews now I view them very differently.  Every interview that I do I learn something from. Even when interviewing for an intern position.  In fact, I think I have learned more from the younger men and women around here than the seasoned ones.  It’ has been a good experience for me to get back into the swing of things. Remind me what I like and don’t like if that’s changed. And tested my patience. I have to admit. At first, I had way more patience than I do now. I found myself getting into old mindsets and old habits. For a few days, I was very disappointed in myself because I hadn’t seemed to learn much of anything over the past year. I stopped working out as much. I stopped going to support group. I stopped eating right. I stopped journaling. I stopped listening to my body.  And just the other day I did something that I am completely ashamed of which made me stop in my tracks. I had signed up for a Living Art class for current and former cancer patients.  It is a 6-week course that is supposed to give you your “me time” and help with the mental journey. The night I was supposed to start, I got held up at work and made the decision to pick work over this class. So there we have it. I had learned absolutely nothing. I went right back to putting a job (a temp job mind you) ahead of my own self and well-being.  As I was updating my hair post I started reading some of my old entries and it brought me back down to the reality of it all.  This assignment ends this Friday. Although I wish I could just stay there, I think it’s best for me to take a step back and regroup. Take what I’ve learned these last 2 months and really think about things.

So in the midst of all this, I’m trying to get this business started. As I get deeper into it, I’m starting to come up with more idea on how I can truly make this a viable business. Of course, now I want to change the entire look and feel of my website. I decided I don’t like it anymore. It’s just BASIC! So I have to see what I can do. I need new and fresh and it’s kinda clunky and awkward I think. And as much as I LOVE flowers I need to not have them maybe so prominent on my page.  So I’m going to do that this weekend while I rest from doing taxes (yes I wait longer than I should)

We did start doing Pilates on Saturday mornings and Yoga on Sunday mornings. Um yeah. So pilates is hard. Yoga is hard. I’m sore for like 3 days afterward. But I’m getting back on track here. With my theme of picking up where I left off a year ago, I’ve got my exercise schedule all figured out. And today is day one with no sugar. For the record, I want to rip eyes out. When I say no sugar I’m talking, besides the obvious of anything with refined sugar in it, but bread and anything that has added sugar in it. Like there is some kick-ass potato salad in the refrigerator right now I would love to get into. But I must be strong. I am only asking myself for 30 days. The month of April. Nothing but vegetables, fruit, meat, legumes, some olive oil and of course spices.  So I usually use myfitnesspal. And as much as I love it. And will probably still update it, I got this book to track everything. I’m a tactile person and the act of physically writing down what goes in my mouth and seeing it a certain way on paper works better for me. (Thanks Pam!)

Now the last time I did this I started out for 30 days and ended up going 3 months and lost 30 pounds and felt wonderful. I didn’t feel great the first few weeks, but I had so much more energy.  I believe some of my very first posts on this blog were surrounding this program. I’m sure if I went back and read them I would read something to the effect of “I will never do this again as long as I live!” So much drama.

My pledge to myself is for 30 days:

  1. No sugar added into anything. (Vegetables, Fruit, Meat and legumes)
  2. Track everything that goes into my mouth! (don’t be nastiiieee!)
  3. Exercise at least 4 days a week
  4. Journal every day. I need to get my thoughts down and out of my head!
  5. Blog once a week on something here.  (I also have to start blogging for my business site)
  6. DO NOT GET ON A SCALE!
  7. Get at least 8 hours of sleep. Easier said than done but this means basically that I need to actually go to bed at a decent hour during the week.

They say it takes something like 21 days to form a habit. I don’t know we’ll see.