Tag Archive | #diva

Let’s Get this Party Started!!!

Nov15

So the first week after treatment was pretty much a wash. I had a heck of a time with the transition of one of the new meds they put me on. I decided to not take that one anymore and just stick with what they originally had me on (Lorazapam/Ativan).  I’ll take 2 pills vs. 1 pill.  It works well enough most of the time. I would rather do that then deal with the mess of the other stuff. The side effects are pretty minimal for the Aromasin. I’m slow to get moving in the morning and then get pretty fatigued later in the day. I do have muscle and bone pain if I sit too long.  As long as I get up and move regularly I’m pretty okay. I have my ditzy days….I mean trying to do more than one thing at a time is a challenge. I’m going to start doing word puzzles and other mind game things to see if that helps any.

Becuase of my lack of sleep last week I didn’t go to the gym. Went Sunday finally. Only did 20 minutes, but I changed over to the treadmill again.  My initial thought was to start out slow and just take it from ground zero. Then about 10 minutes in I decided to jog every other minute. I wanted to see if I could do it and how it would feel afterward. I was a little swollen in the arms and chest but nothing major. Probably more from my lack of water intake! Yesterday I had a super bad day mentally. I was having issues with doing little things.  I went to the store and what should have taken maybe an hour, took me 4.  Nothing concerning just would lose track of what I was looking for and then got distracted looking at other things. So I’ll start Yoga next Monday!  Today I went and started out on the elliptical again…yeah, I now have this thing in my head. I’m a goal oriented person. So this jogging/walking thing is meeting that.  I got on the treadmill and set it for 20 minutes. Instead of doing every other minute, I had the track setting on so I ran half the track then walked half the track to see how far I would get.  So the goal is to be able to run the full 20 minutes and then add from there.  I had the thought of doing the 5k I did in January when I first got to Missoula. In talking with a friend tonight, she pretty much convinced me that I should set that goal. Now I am not expecting to run the whole thing and place. I just want to be able to run most of it and cross the finish line. I started thinking about it and it would be kinda symbolic for me. Last year’s 5k was on January 29th. I was officially diagnosed February 9th.  So it would be kind of a pick up where I left off sort of thing.

I feel like I’m on the right track. Diet wise I’m doing pretty good, other than not drinking enough water. I’ve started to plan the meals on Sunday. And I actually went grocery shopping by myself for the first time in 9 months. It felt good. It felt normal. So I have my little cards with the dinners for the week. So far it’s working (okay yeah, it’s Tuesday). But I haven’t been too keen on anything overly sweet. It seems if I have anything too sweet or too salty my arms and chest area swell up. So at least I now have a built-in indicator. OH! I got little pill cases with the days of the week on them to make sure I take everything I’m supposed to. I know it’s silly, but these are the things that excite me these days.

Saturday we went out to get a bed frame for the guest room. The mattress has just been sitting on the floor.  Well, they wanted like $80 for just a basic metal frame to get it off the floor.  We went into one of the furniture stores and there was a clearance/scratch and dent section and there was a complete headboard and everything for $200. It was originally $599.  So I think it was a good deal. This thing is so high the side railings are used as steps to get up in the bed.  IT’S AWESOME!!!!! And of course I had to get a new bedspread…then the curtains didn’t match…it just snowballed.  But the guest room is now all set up. Now to work on the craft room so I can start….crafting!

Oh. So I go to look for a picture for this post. I google “Party” and then go to images. Wow…..just wow.  Sorry no picture I’m still processing.  LOL

First Day of the Rest of My life

Nov8

Well…yesterday was my last radiation session. I was doing good emotionally…then I stopped in the Chemo lounge like I usually do to say hi to everyone.  And I lost it.  Luckily the Social Worker was there.  So I asked her if we could talk a bit.  Sunday I had a complete mental breakdown. I had decided I wasn’t going to finish and just quit. (yes with one session left…I’m such a rebel).  She explained to me that it is completely normal. Some people after treatment go back to work after everything (or just continue to work) and like 3 months later it hits them like a ton of bricks.  In my case, I don’t have a job to continue or go back to.  When I got to Montana the plan was to set up house and then get a job and start over.  But this got in the way.  So between the pressure of selling the house last year, and then moving and then getting diagnosed, I folded.  I was to a point where I didnt’ HAVE to be strong anymore.  As I explained to her, throughout this process I would have my little hissy fit and cry for like 5-10 minutes and then shake it off and deal again.  There was that little voice in my head that would tell me to knock it off and woman up and get back in there.  Sunday, that little voice wasn’t there.  It just let me go.  So after talking to her it really helped to hear that it’s okay. That I’m normal. That I need to look at this as an opportunity to do whatever I want. I have a totally blank slate to work with.  And yes it can be scary…but it can also be exciting.  She told me to write down everything I like to do. What I want out of life. Then go and find things to try. Take a class or go to some club meeting.  I have absolutely nothing to lose.   My little voice is back…he is tired…but he is back.  So after treatment we went and had a beer at the place we had a beer the day I was diagnosed. Seemed fitting.

Last night I started a new sleep anti-anxiety medication Trazodone (Desyrel).  I’m not sure how I feel about this one.  I took it at 8:30 and about 20 minutes later I felt like I was floating. Then I was out like a rock. Woke up at midnight. Went back to sleep for 2 hours and then was up from about 2:30 to 4:00am. Went back to sleep until 5:15am. Stayed up for about an hour and then went back to sleep again, woke up about 9:00am.  Now the first 3 hours no dreams, I was out.  Then the next 2 hours I had crazy dreams. I mean at one point I had no idea what was real and what was the dream. I was having dreams within dreams. I mean in my dream I woke up and was telling my husband about the crazy dreams I had.  It got a little better the last few hours…normal kind of dreams but very vivid.  It’s almost like everything that I fear or that has happened that bothers me came out in my dreams.  I’ll see how it goes tonight.  I was a little groggy when I finally woke up…but if the dreams don’t calm down we are going to have to change this med.  I mean I don’t mind vivid…and sometimes they can be entertaining…but some stuff is just down right scary!

Today was my first day on Aromasin (Exemestane).  So far so good.  Took it at 9:30.  Didn’t have my first hot flash until 3:45.  That’s doable.  I don’t expect I’ll start feeling anything terribly different the first day…if I feel any different at all.  I mean a lot of the side effects are the same as the Lupron I’m already on, so they may just intensify a bit and I won’t notice….(let’s hope for that).

I was also supposed to just sit here all day and just watch TV. That was the plan.  I was going to be a total bum!  Well…I went downstairs and ended up starting on my craft room.  Mind you, I haven’t had the energy since we moved in to get to it.  So just about everything is still in boxes.  I have to figure out a shelving system of where I’m going to put all this stuff!  I also organized all the CD’s we have. You know, made sure the right CD was in the right case.  And then proceeded to put them in a box since no one really uses CDs anymore.  But it was fun to see what we have!

So my plan is to finish setting up my craft room.  Then make some stuff. Look to see if there are any classes on anything I might be interested in. Keep an eye on the job boards to see what is out there. I have kinda been doing this since I got here so that won’t really be any different.  I’m going to see how I feel the first of the year and maybe register with the staffing agency in town do some temporary work for a bit, maybe part time until I find something I like to do that they will give me money for.

My goal is to move forward and not look back….there really isn’t anything I need back there.  I’ve spent the last week mentally preparing myself for LIFE AFTER CANCER. Well, here we are. We have broken me down to rock bottom mentally and physically.  And this is how we start to make a Diva…

Because I’m Fabulous!

Nov2

I met with my Medical Oncologist today.  I’m going to start on Aromasin (Exemestane) on Monday.  I take the Lupron shots every 6 months. This shot shuts my ovaries down so I don’t produce any estrogen. The adrenal glands still produce hormones so the Aromasin will stop this production of estrogen. This should ensure that this cancer that is estrogen driven can’t redevelop or do anything. I will be on these two medications for the next 10 years.  So the Lupron forces me into menopause.  Because there is no test to see when exactly my body will go into menopause for real, they are doing 10 years….by that time my body should have hit the natural menopause state. Interesting stuff right?  Now the Aromasin is a bit on the harsh side. Most people get put on Tamoxifen which has fewer side effects but isn’t as effective for my type of cancer. But if I can’t tolerate the Aromasin I’ll get switched over to the Tamoxifen.  If I can tolerate the Aromasin I may end up getting my ovaries removed so I don’t have to do the Lupron shot anymore. That would be one less medication to take. We’ll see how it goes. (just like Christmas…going to be quite the surprise!)

We are also stopping my Ativan (Lorazepam) for insomnia since it has seemed to stop working. We are going to change it up and going to Desyrel (Trazodone) we’ll see how that works out for me.  It’s supposed to not only help me sleep at night but help with any mood swings due to all the lack of hormones in my body. We’ll see how that works out. YAY Drugs!

At this appointment, my oncologist tells me now that I’m pretty much done with treatment that not everyone who goes through the rigorous aggressive course of treatfabment I took makes it.  I honestly didn’t know how to take that?  I mean that’s kinda scary. I have to think she meant that they had to break the treatment up some or change chemo drugs. Go me. Wow. Oh. I honestly have no idea how to react to that.  Just glad I didn’t know the odds before hand.
She checked out the lumps that have been bugging me the last few weeks.  I developed some bb sized lumps in my chest so when I found them a few weeks back my heart just sunk. She said they were probably nothing but we would keep an eye on them. The odds of any cancer developing at this point is about impossible.  But again, we would check them to see if they have changed in 6 weeks when I go back.

After this appointment, I went to Support Group.  Lately, I can only stay for the first 1/2 hour since I have to go to radiation.  Well, there is a new member. She had been diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer 12 years ago. She had a lumpectomy and was good.  A few months ago it came back as metastatic breast cancer – Stage IV. My heart just hurts for her. She was so strong to come to support group and to announce that you have Stage IV cancer has to be just one of the hardest things in the world to do. I just wanted to hug her. While not curable, it is treatable. She’ll go on an oral chemo to keep it under control…..And I was just sitting there freaking out that this new medication said that I could lose my hair.  So I’m no longer freaking out about the possibility of losing my hair again or have it thin. This is why they make wigs.  So be it if it happens. Again something brought me down to the reality of the whole situation and to just be thankful to be alive. I also thought: I’m sure glad I made the decision to have a double mastectomy vs. just the single.  I mean they said that the odds of it coming back in another breast were slim to none. I was like yeah, it was a slim to none chance I got it in the first place so….I’d rather go through this once then have to go through it twice. But hey..there is no guarantee something else won’t develop down the line.  So I think I’ll just enjoy the time I have here and deal with whatever comes when it does.

Then I went to radiation. #30 #2 of the booster. 3 more left.  I’ve resorted to gang signs in the count-down.  But the chest is looking pretty bad ass at this point.  It’s getting quite impressive. Met with the Radiology Oncologist.  I told her about the bb sized lumps and she checked them out and said it was just scar tissue and effects to the tissue from radiation. Nothing to worry about. But again she said that we would keep an eye on it over time when we did CT scans.  Because you know I get to do those every 6 months now. So if anything develops from here on out we will catch it pretty quick. But she wants to see me again on Friday to check the status of my skin to see if we will do the last radiation treatment on Monday or just end it on Friday.  They are pretty impressed that I haven’t had to take a break with radiation. Most people have to take a few weeks off about half way through. It’s because I’m just that fucking amazing….really.

Now I’m not usually the type of person that boasts about myself…I’m actually very modest….even though I joke a lot about the whole Fabulous thing. But you know I think for this I’m going to make an exception.  Don’t worry…I won’t let it get to my head and I’ll only do it for a few days. :)

Oh. The downside of all this anti-hormone nonsense….my drinking days are pretty much over. I suppose it’s okay. I had a good run. And any more when I have wine or beer I feel like crap after just 1…so be it.

 

The Hair – The Journey.

Nov1
2-23-16

First day of Chemo 2/23/16

3-5-16

Just got port in few days prior to this 3/5/16.

3-7-16

Hair starting to thin 3/7/16.  Best to keep it braided…it was a HOT MESS! Literally one day it just started coming out in lumps

3-15-16

Hair really thinning 3/15/16. This was obviously NOT a good day.  Chemo was starting to get pretty rough at this point. And let me point out my head hurt from my hair coming out.

3-30-16-2

Got it shaved 3/30/16. Fuck that noise! Taking control of the situation.

4-30-16

Then it just fell out all over the place.. At least it was little hairs…..Just about gone 4/30/16.  During this time there are no face shots of me bald because we had also just bought a house, moved and something had to give…so this is as good as that got.

 

5-30-16

5/30/16 next to the last day of Chemo – Losing eyebrows and eyelashes. The last few months were pretty rough. I should have taken a picture of my hands.  They were brown and peeling…it was crazy.

6-30-16

6/30/16 a few days after surgery. I felt like one of those hairless cats….Looked like one too!!!! A month after chemo stopped and not a strand of hair on my body. These were probably some of the darkest days. 1 month post chemo

7-30-16

7/30/16 starting to come back. These were my weekly visits to the surgeon days. 2 months post chemo

8-30-16

8/30/16 Actual Hair coming in…feeling pretty bad ass about it. 3 months post chemo

9-30-16-2

9/30/16 Finally stopped wearing the scarf on my head. 4 months post chemo

10-27-16

10/27/16 Almost done with Radiation. Hair at strange awkward stage. 5 months post chemo

 

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11/7/16 Last day of Radiation. Last day of Treatment

 

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11/30/2016 6 months post Chemo. (Wednesdays we wear pink)

 

1/31/17 – 8 months since Chemo. Finally got it colored today! No cut though….

 2/28/17.  9 months since Chemo. Hair looks darker than it really is here. Bad lighting!

 

 3/30/17 10 months since Chemo.  And 1 year since I got my head shaved! Still haven’t gotten it trimmed or anything…just colored. I am wearing a headband so it’s pulled back. But kinda feeling like a hippie.

4/30/17 11 months since chemo. I can almost braid parts of it. It’s out of control and crazy. I have not gotten anything trimmed or cut yet. Still not sure I’ll ever cut it again. The thickness is a little less than it was before but not real noticeable. It’s getting better. Still really curly. I actually blow it out to straighten it. I’ll have to get a “natural” picture. But nice to not have to really use a curling iron yet.

Transition

Oct5

Still going through good days and bad days.  They are a little different than before. Prior treatment was more physical bad days.  Now I’m going through more mental bad days. (Physically I’m exhausted and adjusting to a lot of things that have changed.) It’s more of a “what happens next?” panic.  This usually happens after I am feeling kind of normal and do something I used to do and then have some sort of physical side effect from it. This quickly brings me back to the reality that I’m not all better yet.  I had a discussion withp-3 one of the Radiology Oncologists today about that specific thing.  He told me that it will be a year before I start to feel somewhat normal. So in the meantime remember that I’m still going through treatment and still need to be kind to myself.

Now me being the type of person who needs a timeline, I’m realizing that with this I can’t. But I have to always have a plan.  So, what does someone who needs to always have a plan do in a situation where you have no control over what is going on physically with them? Well…I guess first I’m going to have to be kind to myself for a bit.  I will continue to eat right. I will exercise as many days of the week I can tolerate.  I will not beat myself up if I miss a day or two of exercise or eat something I’m not supposed to.  I know that once I am finished with treatment, I will be able to really focus on rebuilding. And I know even then I need to not be too hard on myself. Right no,w I just feel like I’m in this weird transition. Part of me is so over this and ready to move on. The other part is still in “cancer mode.” But I know that  I will get back into shape. I will get back to my new normal.

Rebuilding!!

Sep28

Went to the gym today. (I know 3 posts in one day…I just thought they should be all different posts rather than one big long one….the average human doesn’t have the attention span to read more than half a page).  I usually get on the treadmill and walk. Yawn. Then I go stretch. Then I go home.  Today I was prepared to do the same thing.  I walked into the locker room to put my stuff in there and look up and this little kid is looking at me confused. Then asks his mom if I was a girl or a boy. The mother reassured him that only girls were allowed in this locker room. So. Yeah. My first reaction was to be very upset and want to cry and leave. Then I’m like…it’s a kid. You see a person with short hair and no boobs it’s kind of a fair question. So as I’m convincing myself to not take it personally and get very self conscience about my appearance (I mean I have just gotten the courage to go without the scarf on my head!)  I get upstairs and look at the treadmill, then look at the elliptical machine. The old me used to do the elliptical and a beastly pace. Well today I decided to see how I would fare on that elliptical Machine. I started out slow. Used the one with the arm poles.  I never used to use those, but I do them on the bike in therapy so why not. It was feeling pretty good at a slow pace. Started getting into the rhythm of the music and then after 5 minutes stepped it up. Still felt good.  So I would do slow and then every 5 minutes do faster for a minute. It felt good to get my heart rate up and start to sweat a little bit.  I thought LEVEL UP! So I’m feeling good enough to up the workout. So I do my 30 minutes on there and I’m leaving and then there is THE MACHINE. It’s a beast. I’m like let me just get on real quick to see what it feels like.  Well I have a goal.

This bugger takes some coordination and is no joke! So I will do 30 minutes on this in the next few weeks!!!

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Keeping up with trends

Sep21

This week is quite the week.  I meet with ALL the Doctors! (AND PT) Of course the song You Wanna Piece of Me runs through my head. But I’ve been noticing I am doing pretty good keeping up with the latest trend in everything. Seems all the cool kids are doing the breast cancer thing..so of course I have to be in on that.

So first up. Appointment with Dr. Evil. Also known as the surgeon. I just call him that because he put me in the most pain through all this. But he’s also the one that removed Cruella so I can’t really not like him…it’s all said with love.  So went into see him and he told me to get out of his office for 6 months.  So I’ve been released 100% (no more seromas….at least not enough to worry about).  I do have to see him every 6 months for the next 5 years to check the chest wall and lymph nodes. Good times.

Next up. Medical Oncologist. Overall things are good.  I wasn’t supposed to have blood work done today but we ended up doing some due to some issues that came up. Looks like my DEXA test came up that I have Osteopenia. I have never heard of this before. But it seems that it’s the step right before Osteoporosis. Most likely caused from the steroids during chemo and the Lupron. Not sure if I will be put on any type of meds to combat this but for now we add some calcium rich foods, supplements, Vitamin D and exercise.  On it. I don’t know how trendy this is yet…but now that I’m doing it I’m sure it will be more popular in the upcoming years.

“Osteopenia refers to bone density that is lower than normal peak density but not low enough to be classified as osteoporosis. Bone density is a measurement of how dense and strong the bones are. If your bone density is low compared to normal peak density, you are said to have osteopenia. Having osteopenia means there is a greater risk that, as time passes, you may develop bone density that is very low compared to normal, known as osteoporosis.” …WebMD

Okay fantastic. So then I go back on October 17th for my Lupron shot. Yay…keep those nasty hormones shut off.  I also got told that I’ll be starting Arimidex towards the end of radiation therapy…so beginning of November.  This is an alternative to Tamoxifen. Just another medication to keep the hormones shut down.  We REALLY REALLY need to shut of my hormones…this will help prevent any cancer (of the breast kind) from returning. We will see. Again…cool kids get Lupron and either Tamoxifen or Arimidex. Because Arimidex is newer…obviously way cooler.  I get to do this for 5 years. (see a trend?)

Then I went to Physical Therapy. Good news my range is getting better. Bad news, got fitted for the lymphedema sleeve today. I’m going back tomorrow for another session and get the information to order my sleeve. It’s minor so hopefully we can keep it minor.  She has me doing the regular stretching exercises but also the massage to keep my lymphatic system moving. So for years I would exercise and especially when I walked for a long time or hiked my hands would swell up. Seems my lymphatic system hasn’t been functioning very well before all this happened.  So when they removed some of the lymph nodes it just put more strain on an already sucky system. What are ya going to do. I will even get a gauntlet…how cool does that sound?  Hey this seems to be a life thing…so how lucky is that?

Let me just say…the fashion statement of the Fall is the compression sleeve…I mean Serena Williams is doing it…and who doesn’t want to be like Serena?

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Iconic – BITCH Get Off My Pole!

Sep20

As I was sitting here the last few days I’ve realized all the things that have gone on the last few years.  Two years ago on September 17th I had my hysterectomy.  I have a whole theory about how this is what threw my body into a hormonal frenzy which brought me to where I am today…but I won’t go into that.  I just remember at the time I thought that was like the worst surgery ever.  I think I would trade it now. So I take that back.

THEN last year on September 17th I left for New York to visit my cousin. See NYC/Madonna 2015 Trip for details.  I look back at some of the pictures and it was like they were telling me something… for instance:

20150918_125127 We were walking down the street and I just happened to pick out this picture and was drawn to it..so I took a picture thinking I may need to be reminded one day. Who knew that this was a message to myself in just a few short months.  I mean between the staying behind to sell the house while the husband moved to Montana, to the finding of the lump just 2 months later and trying to convince myself that it was nothing.  DENIAL!!!!  I don’t think I was really denial, it was me trying to stay positive.

Then there was this beauty:

What the heck possessed me to take this picture in the first place? I mean again…walking through 20150918_142219the park and of all the things to take a picture of…really?  The cosmos trying to tell me something. Not typically the type of picture I would take. But at the time it struck me.

So then we go to the Madonna concert. of course I had been listening to the entire album months prior. I mean one must be able to sing at least 90% of the songs at the concert you are going to!  But one song stuck out more that the rest for me.  Little did I know it would end up being my theme song through everything that has happened the last year. So I ended up playing this song as I left Colorado after being there for 17 years.  I played this as I entered Missoula, a place I had never been to but would end up calling home and a place my life would forever change.  I played this to every Drs appointment, every chemo appointment, going to surgery and will play it through every radiation treatment.  When I start to think I can’t get through something I play this to remind me to be Iconic.

Iconic – Madonna

[Intro – Mike Tyson:]
I’m the best the world has ever seen. (I’m the best ever!)
I’m somebody you’ll never forget cause I work hard and sweat in my tears. (Can’t be stopped!)
I’m never falling again and if I did, I’d come back

[Verse 1 – Madonna:]
If you try and fail, get up again
Destiny will choose you in the end
If you don’t make the choice
And you don’t use your voice
Someone else will speak for you instead
What you want is just within your reach
But you gotta practice what you preach
You pay with sweat and tears
And overcome your fears
Never let the fire inside you leave

[Chorus – Madonna:]
“I can’t”, “icon” – two letters apart
One step away from being lost in the dark
Just shine your light like a beautiful star
Show the world who you are, who you are

Yeah, there’s another part of you no one sees
There’s a burning fire that’s underneath
Baby, don’t you know you were meant to be
Born to be, meant to be

Iconic
Iconic
Ironic
Iconic

[Verse 3 – Madonna:]
Tell me I’m no good and I’ll be great
Say I have to fight and I can’t wait
Standing in the wings
A butterfly that stings
I will rise above cuz it’s my fate

[Chorus – Madonna:]
“I can’t”, “icon” – two letters apart
One step away from being lost in the dark
Just shine your light like a beautiful star
Show the world who you are, who you are

Yeah, there’s another part of you no one sees
There’s a burning fire that’s underneath
Baby, don’t you know you were meant to be
Born to be, meant to be

Iconic
Iconic
Ironic
Iconic

[Bridge – Madonna:]
Born to be a superstar, that’s exactly what you are
Born to be a superstar, that’s exactly what you are

[Verse 4 – Chance The Rapper:]
Alright
Firefly change when they catch ya
Wanna put ya in their net for their light glow
Yellow brick highway
Paparazzi piled up on the high road
They just turned the sun into an idol
They just want to see how high the sky go
Just to find how it feel to fall back
Madonna said I remind her of Michael
Steady blowin’ up my head
Blowin’ up my head
Put it on your wall
Put me in the school book
Put me in your laws
Put me in the desk
And in the synagogues
Firefly glow when they catch ya
Wanna catch ya when ya lights go dim
Wanna turn you to a letter in their logo
Wanna stick you in a jar with a pen
You an icon

[Chorus – Madonna:]
“I can’t”, “icon” – two letters apart
One step away from being lost in the dark
Just shine your light like a beautiful star
Show the world who you are, who you are

Yeah, there’s another part of you no one sees
There’s a burning fire that’s underneath
Baby, don’t you know you were meant to be
Born to be, meant to be

Iconic
Iconic
Ironic
Iconic

Iconic
Iconic
Ironic
Iconic

So in a sense the trip to NYC planned by my cousin was the preamble to my new life.  It was one last hurrah before shit got real. And I will be forever grateful to him for doing all that for me.  Even if he had no idea what it would all end up meaning.

20150918_182506

Oh and then I get all Holy Water (Bitch Get Off My Pole!)

 

 

Battle

Sep11

Its’ amazing how you get a dose of normalcy and then something happens to remind you that you are still fighting.  I have to keep reminding myself that I still have a long way to go here. I am getting stronger to be able to do radiation. I have no idea how that is going to affect me. From what I understand it may make me a bit tired, but nothing crazy. I’m starting to have the symptoms of someone who has sat around for a few months doing nothing.  Oh yeah…I had. So there is a lot of muscle loss and loss of muscle control. In part due to the lack of movement but also with the lack of hormones in my body it’s causing other rather unpleasant side affects.

So as I sit here this morning all upset and feeling defeated I figure I can do one of two things. I can sit around and be defeated, whither away and cry and give in to Cruella’s overall plan to destroy me. Or get mad and totally be like “fuck this shit.”  And kinda the way I am…guess which one we are going with.  So put the battle gear back on (you aren’t done with it yet) and get your ass in there and do something. Plan of attack: 1. Diet. I have alreadth-2y started to eat better, but this just enforces it. 2. Exercise! I have been taking walks around the property every day, but warrior mode time.  We are going to join the gym. My job from here on out is to gain strength both mentally and physically to be able to handle shit.

I talk a lot about the physical side, but mentally it comes and goes.  This part of treatment is kind of sucking because I have days where I’m on top of my game and I feel “normal” and then other days I crash and burn and can’t remember anything. So welcome to limbo. 3. This is why I also decided to do this Sign Language course on line. I’m hoping it will help with the brain part of it.  I also have this airplane game I play where you have to manage the incoming and outgoing aircraft without blowing anyone up.  So it’s using reasoning and deduction skills. Oh that and this cooking game….where you have to take orders and get food out on time. I think it helps.  Who knows!

I’m in the mood to RANT! RANT! RANT! but it turns into me just being a BITCH! BITCH! BITCH! and I’m trying not to do that any more.  See how long that lasts….

I just have to remember to put myself first still and not fall into other people’s drama.

Finding Inspiration

Sep6

I just got back from my weekly poking at the drs. I’m down to 5ccs now…I mean really? We are going to truly ride this out til the very end aren’t we. Whatever. So I go back in 2 weeks.  I’m starting to just accept that every week (now two) I’m going to get a needle stuck in my side to see how much fluid we extract.  Might I say from some of the support boards I’ve been on other people have like major fluid…not this measly amount to deal with.

Anyhoo…I was reading through some blog posts of fun exciting people like myself who have taken this little journey or are currently taking it.  I got to thinking about what my purpose is for even writing a blog. I started this as a way to keep my friends and family updated on my progress.  Of course after the initial “I HAVE CANCER” everyone is interested everyone is concerned.  Then as time goes on fewer and fewer people are engaged in your progress or what you are going through.  I know someone who was diagnosed with breast cancer that told me once she was diagnosed she stopped reading my blog.  Now, I was trying to understand that.  And in part I do. But I am such the opposite. When I was diagnosed I joined a support group though the cancer center and then the on line boards which led me to a lot of different people blogging about their experience. The people I met in Chemo were more than inspiring and I learned so much about not only my cancer but other types of cancer.  I joined a work out group for cancer patients where again listening to people’s stories inspired me and taught me event more. I listened to the struggles of other warriors out there and learned to appreciate my situation. I found comfort that other people were making it through the struggle. They were having bad days too. They weren’t always positive.  They weren’t always negative.  It made me feel that I wasn’t alone in this journey and that some of the things I was going through and feeling were okay.  So now that my friends and family are pretty much over this journey…Many of them think that as soon as you get through a certain point it’s all okay. What I’m finding is that each step has it’s own struggles and it’s far from over.  It’s a long process that I have stated before that not everyone has the stamina to hang in there with you.

So here I am in another limbo (lots of BAM! treatment….sit around and wait) I’m in Physical Therapy, still getting one stupid seroma drained just waiting until the day I can raise my arm over my head so I can start radiation.  So again….if my readership is down why the heck am I still doing this?  I think at this point it is first of all for me.  It’s been helpful to get my thoughts down and go back and re-read where I was at what time. I also THINK my hope is to help someone who has gone through this.  I hope that someone who has been diagnosed or is in some limbo stage where you are frustrated and losing hope that you will get to move on can see that there is a struggle to stay sane through the rough times. That everything must end at some point.  And you will get to move on; not always when or how you want, but you will get to move on.

I know I have a long journey left, and a lot of story to share ahead.  I’m starting to ponder the life after treatments and what the new normal will be like.  Will I always live in fear? Will I finally accept living each day in the present? Will I gain my self confidence back? Will I lose a part of myself? What will I gain?  What lessons will I truly take away from this experience?  And I think, for me, a big part is knowing that my story is not the only story out there.  There are others just like me who are asking these same questions.  I want to find some of these people and learn how they dealt with each stage, each setback, what kept them going. I want to share how I dealt with each of these things as well to hopefully help someone along just like me.

So to those friends and family who still read this silly thing every now and then…thank you.  For those who are going into war or in the war….I hope my posts can help in any way…and never be afraid to ask me questions if you have them.  I have found that you may not win every battle, but as long as you win the war it’s all good.

Side story here:  So when you have breast cancer by the time you go through Chemo and have surgery you are so over any bit of being discreet.  The dr has interns that he brings in…”do you mind” and I’m like “nope…there are still a few people left in the hospital who haven’t gotten to touch my chest yet…so why not”  And like I just take my shirt of before people leave the room….like seriously…nothing to see here…and like I said…so many people have looked and touched my chest the last year…who cares! LOL!