Reality has set in

Dec2

I’ve been kind of depressed the last few weeks. I don’t know what triggered it. Surgery, the weather, the holidays. I’m sure all the above. When I get like this I either throw myself into work or stay in bed and binge watch TV. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been doing both. Now, I stay in bed with my laptop and work while I binge watch. Fantastic. One of the things that has been weighing on my mind lately is life after Cancer. During treatment it was physical. I was so drugged up I really had no idea what was going on. I would be lying if I said I remembered 2016. It’s like a dream. When I say it was physical, I refer to the treatment and the surgery and radiation, so draining on a physical level. Spending all that time in the gym to keep myself going.

Physically I’m trying to accept some of the aftermaths of 2016. My hair is growing, but it’s not as thick as it was. I still don’t have breasts and never will. The scars are “healing nicely.” I have very mixed feelings about that part still. On one hand, it’s really nice not download having them. I have prosthesis that I wear sometimes and the joy of taking those things off when I get home is wonderful. The scars are ugly and make me sad. It’s a constant reminder of the hell. I don’t feel the least bit attractive, and it’s really hard to feel any sort of sensuality. This is one of those things I’m really trying to work through. The other thing is I don’t have hormones anymore. The big one being estrogen. So this makes any bit of intimacy a challenge, to say the least. So mentally this has been a hard obstacle to get over. I’m going to have the Mona Lisa procedure done after the first of the year and I hear that makes everything better. So that part is temporary. I don’t think that ER/PR positive cancer patients should have to pay for the procedure. I think it should be part of treatment. They take away just about everything that defines you as a woman. Insurance will cover breast reconstruction but they won’t make it so you can have a sex life or not have constant UTIs? Well, that’s great. Obviously having breasts are more important than normal functions. That seems fair. I’m sure I will express my opinion on this matter coming up to people who don’t care. Then there is the pain that still goes on. The bone pain. The kidney pain. The liver pain. The intestinal pain. The hot flashes and all that is getting better, but it’s very strange to be hot and cold at the same time.

With all these physical things I’m dealing with it’s really messing with my mental state. download (3) In addition to all this, I’m trying so hard to accept and get used to, we are in winter, where the sun doesn’t come out. It’s always overcast. So it’s dark and cold. That does not help my mood. And the holidays. Deep down I love the holiday season. But I am in such a place mentally that it’s very confusing. So how the hell am I going to get past this? I mean I know in 2016 I would have my breakdown that I couldn’t do this anymore and then I would be fine. Last night I had a total meltdown and started to think the same way. But then I’m like, You’ve come this far, don’t let THIS beat you.

I wasn’t going to decorate this year, but then I started thinking about it. I need to. I need to be surrounded by things that make me happy (and sad too). I need to look at all these things I made to remind me that I can do things and I am good at things. I’ve spent the last year in the event community and everyone seems so good at the decorating and making things. I mean I look at everyone’s pictures and I’m amazed. I think why can’t I do that kind of thing. Why don’t I have that talent? It’s so easy for me to think I’m not good at stuff. (yes this is part of my downward spiral all related to the above…if you were wondering how this ties in). So as I’m pulling out the Christmas decorations, I’m looking at stuff and I’m like, wow! that’s awesome. I then look through pictures of things I have done and made. And you know, I’m just as good as these other people. And professional pictures can usually make anything look good with the right lighting and angles. (Just say’n)

Okay so while I’m sitting here having my pity party and trying to give myself a pep talk, I’m thinking, how can I get my shit together? Whereas 2016 was physical and I don’t remember anything, 2017 has been very mental and I feel like I’m all over the place. It’s like in 2017 we took all my feelings and emotions and threw them up in the air and download (2) scattered them everywhere. People ask me how I am or how I feel, and of course I say fine, but honestly, I don’t know. So all I know is I have to find a way to keep pushing through. It’s so funny because people forget. When you are going through treatment everyone is pulling for you and then you end treatment and is like…oh….she made it, she’s fine. No, really. I’m not. But hey, thanks for not asking.

I am finding myself going back to some of my old ways. Like I want to try to help people as much as I can. I extend myself and go out of my way to talk to people and be of assistance. Well, I need to stop. I also need to stop caring about what other people think. I do have to say 2016 was great for that…I didn’t give two shits about anyone or anything, or how they felt. Wasn’t important. So as I come out of the fog, I’m starting to care again. Maybe I should write a post: Things I learned from Cancer! So, I’m not going to try to help people anymore unless they specifically ask. Obviously, for certain organizations and stuff I will, but not individuals. The biggest thing I learned from my cancer experience is 1. put yourself first. 2. who cares what people say or think. I quite enjoyed not being part of the drama. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t give a shit.

I’m hoping that things start to balance out a little more in 2018. I’m not asking for complete normalcy because that’s just not going to happen. I have to realize that there are still some things that are not forever. After I have this procedure that should make the world of difference and one less issue to deal with. (Mona Lisa Touch….look it up. if you are going through Menopause or have had a full hysterectomy or you have gone through cancer treatment look into this. I’ve heard amazing life changing stories! And yes I will give a full report once I’m done!) That will be one down. I really need to get back to the gym. I think my lack of energy and depression has to do with my la download (1) ck of exercise lately. I’m at about 85% from my last surgery (Had oophorectomy so I could stop taking the Lupron shots and be less miserable) So that will help with that. The breast thing. I’m just going to have to deal and embrace it. If you are asking…”why don’t you just have reconstruction done if it bothers you so much?” Well…I’ve heard a lot of stories about it and I’m choosing the lesser of the two evils. I don’t have any extra skin so they would have to graph it and the expanders and the possibility of tubes again, and the pain. No thanks. I’ve heard and seen some pretty awful horror stories about reconstruction after double mastectomy and I will NEVER volunteer to have a surgery done that could cause more problems than not.

Okay so I know where I need to be and how to get there. Now it’s a matter of following through. But as usual….I got this!

1 Year Later

Nov13

Just completed my first year out of treatment. The entire thing is still very surreal. I go back and forth between normalcy and my world being upside down. When I first stopped treatment I had this idea that everything is over and that’s it. I can just go back to the way things were. But I quickly realize that is far from the case. There are so many transitions to go through. I have just spent the last year being told where to go and what to do, people encouraging me and treating me like I was going to break. Then it all stops 20161107_121028 and you are left with a bunch of broken pieces and what to do with them. I wanted so badly to just put it all behind me and just forget that it ever happened. I mean if I take this approach then things will go back to normal faster. And for a bit, it went well. I just pretended that it never happened. I would not bring it up because if I didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t real. Then I had to go to a doctors appointment. I was getting Lupron shots every 6 months and I had to sit in the infusion room with all these sick people. I would do fine until the infusion machine beeped. This brought everything back down to reality and I had to face the fact that yes, this all did happen and you have a lot to deal with. I would come out of these appointments a total mess. I would sit and cry for days confused not knowing what the heck to do. Besides the emotional aspect of this, there were the physical side effects from this shot I had forgotten about. It’s amazing how short my memory has become to certain things lately.

This last appointment was kind of the straw that broke the camels back. (odd saying) But I was just an absolute mess afterward. Could I deal with this up and down rollercoaster of emotion for the next 9 years? Could my husband deal with all this for the next 9 years? No. So we talked about what we could do to avoid this. And we decided that it would be best to just take the ovaries out. This way I wouldn’t have to deal with these shots anymore. In one way I felt like maybe this was a cop-out. Instead of facing all this treatment and what had happened, I was running from it. After many conversations with the doctors and my husband, I came to realize that it was not that at all. Why go through this torment every 6 months for such a long span of time? But yay, another surgery. I promised myself under no circumstances would I have surgery unless I absolutely needed it. Well, this was one that was in the best interest of myself and those around me, so surgery was scheduled. There were concerns about how my body would react, but co

nsidering the shots were keeping my ovaries from doing anything anyway, there would really be no change. We are already depleting my body of all estrogen anyway, so why not.

On the anniversary of my, one year out of treatment surgery was scheduled. What a way to celebrate. It wasn’t going to be a major surgery in the sense that I would go home the same day. It would be just like when I had the hysterectomy but not as bad. I could

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deal with that. Surgery this time was very different. Maybe because they got me in and out super fast. But I wasn’t nervous, I wasn’t freaked out like I usually am. I got to do my wave to the OR and the song that was playing that I sang until they knocked me out was “Whoop! There it is!” Which was perfect! I had been a little freaked the night before since the last surgery was a bit traumatic. But I woke up in recovery, then got dressed and went home. Sat my ass on the couch for a week (still there part-time). Can’t lay down flat for too long yet, so I’m still sleeping on the couch. Which beats the chair I was in for 3 months last surgery!

So as I’m sitting here in recovery, I have a lot of time to ponder. But you know me, I’ve been working the last week…I’m sure that’s not necessarily a good idea! I start to feel normal and then something triggers me and makes me remember all the horrible things. I look at my body and it’s a constant reminder. There are some days when I just don’t want to deal and I can’t wrap my head around all of this. I still ask why. Then there are other days I can totally cope and I’m going to conquer the world. I suppose looking at all this I’ve come a long way the last year. But I realize I still have a long way to go. When you are in treatment everyone is engaged and you have that support behind you. When you finish treatment you are left to figure it out on your own. Now I know some people are thinking…no you don’t! Lean on friends or go talk to someone…you don’t have to go this alone! Well, yes and no. Unless you have been through it you may not quite understand what I mean by “figuring it out on your own.” But ultimately that’s what it comes down to.

Now on to the next stage. I would say last stage, but I’m pretty sure that there will be more after this one. I have to try to not overthink. I really do get caught up in the “WHYYYYY… WHYYYY MEEEEEE????” (Nancy Kerrigan reference real quick) There is my logical brain that says, shit like this just happens. You didn’t do anything specific. There is nothing you could have done differently to avoid this. But there is the other side that doesn’t buy it. Maybe had I….(fill in the blank). Well, one thing I do know…is I’m back at a rebuild and start over stage. Yay! I’m getting good at this part.

I just have to mention something real quick here. When I started writing this I automatically write in the 2nd or 3rd person. Which I find very interesting. For me to write any of this in the first person these days is a step towards acceptance. May not seem like a big deal to some, but for me, it’s an emotional barrier that I have crossed. I’m allowing myself to admit that this has happened. I’m giving my permission to myself that this is who I am. And it’s okay.

Getting sucked back in….

Oct18

Last week I had to go in for my Lupron shot. Which is always a pleasant experience. Not down with having to sit in the infusion room while you wait. It’s like they put you there on purpose so you get to relive every painstaking moment you went through in Chemo. At first I don’t sit in the treatment chairs because in my mind I’m NOT a chemo patient and those chairs are specifically reserved for PATIENTS. Then you realize after a bit that you had better sit in the chair or else they will never get to you. So you take a deep breath and sit in the chair. I was doing totally fine until the infusion machine started to beep. You know after awhile you forget about that beep. Until you hear it again. For those of you who don’t know. The infusion machine beeps when the drug is done. So when you are in chemo you are there for like 4-5 hours and go through like 4 different bags of drugs. It’s a total PTSD thing.

Well, I know that every time I get this shot I’m a miserable mess for like 3 days afterward! Well, this time it was just unbearable. I kept trying to decide if I want to do 9 more years of this. I had my appointment with the GYN on Monday and we decided that this surgery would be the best overall treatment. I mean, yes it’s not ideal, but the benefits outweigh the negatives. So I guess we’ll see!

I really need to get this eating sugar thing back under control. It’s bad. I literally have no control over this. I’m going to have to lock myself in a room for 3 days and go through the withdraws or something. It makes me sick every time I do it so you would think I would just stop. I was doing pretty good this week. Then I went to support group today because I hadn’t been in awhile and it’s the annual Breast Cancer celebration. Well, there were brownies. I had like 2 of them. Yes, they were good, but I got the worst hot flashes afterward and about passed out. It’s really not worth it to eat that sort of thing anymore. Which really makes me sad because I love it. But I think it is now to the point where it may be a serious issue. So much for my normal streak!

I have parties to go to in the next few months! How to be social and not offend everyone when you can’t drink alcohol or eat junk food! Here’s where the willpower, mind over matter thing comes in. UGH!

In other news, I am trying to design a booth for the upcoming Bridal Fair in November. I think I kind of have an idea. Now it’s just making that vision come to life. So the next week or so should be kind of fun. I’m still fighting with the SEO. Seems I have to Blog on a regular basis. I’m so not good at that! I guess I’m going to have to learn and accept it.

It Never Ends

Oct13

I went to Las Vegas for the Wedding MBA conference. Learned so much. I’m putting together a plan to implement all of this stuff. It’s going to be a lot of work, but I’m hoping it will all pay off in the end!

So I had a drs appointment to get my 6 month Lupron shot. It’s such a pleasant experience (sarcasm). But I had to insist on them doing bloodwork since I haven’t had anything done since I finished treatment and I’ve felt a little off. Drives me nuts that I had to insist. So I got my blood drawn and the results came back. Not exactly stellar results. Lots of high numbers and some low ones. They are putting me on the super dose of Vitamin D. Seems I’m having liver/kidney/bone issues. I go back in a few weeks to get my blood drawn again to see if the D helps with anything. And if not we figure out what to do next. But I have an appointment on Monday with my GYN to see if we can remove the ovaries so I don’t have to keep taking this awful shot every 6 months.

I’m trying not to let my imagination run rampant. I already made the mistake of looking things up on the internet. And of course, I didn’t find anything overly positive of course. Well. What are you going to do I suppose… Now I’ll spend the rest of the day trying to figure out what I can do to make this better. Of course, if I have learned anything it’s not to get freaked out until you know anything. So I’m going to just not worry about it until I get the results back from the next blood test and then we’ll take it from there.

I have been rather lax the last few months though. I’ve been trying to pretend none of this happened and tried to just be normal. And this is what happens when we play “normal” I suppose. So I go back to being overly cautious about what I eat and back on my exercise kick. I’m not going to lie. I’m a bit down because of it. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. But that’s not realistic. I’m really not digging this new normal crap at all. It’s a lot of work. Well, I guess I’m going to spend today trying to figure out how to balance all this and how to save my liver, kidneys, and bones in the process.

The dr had mentioned a bone treatment Zometa to help with the bone issue before I had my blood work done. But I’m not sure about it yet. I’m still thinking about it. I’m not digging going back to the infusion lab on a regular basis and an IV once a month. But it’s hard on the kidneys and liver soooooo….not sure if this is going to be an option now. Well again….I guess it will all get figured out over the next few weeks.

Yay! I guess this will still fall into my overall grand plan. Healthy…blah blah blah…..

October

Oct1

Oh October. It’s this love-hate relationship. My Dad’s birthday would have been tomorrow…69th birthday. And my mothers birthday would have been on the 7th, the big 70. Several other birthdays and losses in the month of October. It’s also that Breast Cancer Awareness month that I have come to have a really hard time with. I’ll spare you that rant…because we all know my feelings of the bullshit that surrounds that early detecting crap. Been kind of blue the last few days. I’m sure it has something to do with all of the above. I haven’t been moody or anything lately so I’m sure it was just a matter of time.

Anyhoo the things we love about October! it’s a BER month! Which means it’s getting colder, which makes me happy! I’m leaving for Las Vegas tomorrow for the Wedding MBA. I’m super excited about this week. I mean 3 full days of learning stuff from industry experts and meeting a bunch of people that I’ve only emailed and chatted with on FaceBook. So it’s going to be a blast. I’m hoping to come out of this with a lot of information to figure out my plan for 2018.

I start getting a little freaked out about business and then realize that I’m 2 events ahead of what I was this past year. So much can change day to day. I think that’s the hard part is that you can go months with no leads and then all of a sudden you get a bunch. It’s like it goes in waves. The other thing I have to keep remembering is not a lot of people get married around here in the winter months! But I have to try to think of things I want to offer and expand out to keep myself afloat for 12 months out of the year. The first year of the business seems like a mess. I mean learning the area, figuring everything out. I know next year will be better and each year it will improve. And I have to stay away from reading about other planners in the area. There are one or two that honestly don’t bother me and I am happy to help them as much as I can. But some, drive me up a wall. And perception is an interesting thing. I just have to remember to keep my eyes on my own mat! (yoga reference) It can be hard sometimes, but I need to just worry about what I’m doing.

I think the main thing that gets me is that everyone seems to be into doing these styled shoots. I don’t know. I mean I don’t consider myself a designer by any means. And how many styled shoots can one do in a year? And what for? I get it that it’s supposed to promote what you can do, but again, not a designer…I’m an organizer and a planner….hard to do a photoshoot of that! It just seems that people are putting so much effort into that. I start to wonder if I too need to be doing this. I mean if it’s getting them business then great, but if not….just don’t get it. So I don’t know. I feel weird asking all these companies to do yet another styled shoot around here. Seems like there are so many of them going on. I don’t know, I’ll have to investigate this a little more.

I’ve been in the throws of SEO for my site. This winter I’m focusing a lot on marketing and making sure I’m found. I also am trying to figure out exactly who I want to target. I reached out to my clients from this past year to see if I can’t get some reviews for facebook. Seems this is important. A lot of the seminars I’m going to this week are surrounding all this marketing thing and how to drive your SEO. So maybe I’ll learn a thing or two. I can totally see how you need a person to do nothing but make sure your ranking goes up in the world of Google and Bing. I’m completely amazed at the people out there that are giving workshops on this and charging so much money to do this. I had a company call me and they wanted $950 a month. Or I can take a 6-week class for $1000. I can’t afford that right now! So I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to be smart about this. This first year was just a tester to see how things went. Now I know where I need to put my energy and effort.

It will be interesting what I learn from this week and what direction I’m going to end up taking this business. I have a lot of ideas, I just have to figure out which ones are going to work in this area!

Back on Track!

Sep19

Of course, now that I’ve committed myself to getting my self together and back on track, this means I’ll probably be posting a lot more. Yay! More blog activity! I’m starting all this with baby steps. And again, I’m trying to learn from the past 20 months! I have always had an issue of having this all or nothing type of attitude. Which helps with some things, but doesn’t always work for others. If I’ve learned one thing with me, it doesn’t work with food or exercise. The patterns I have noticed: I decide I’m going to start eating “right” so I go full force, no sugar, no white flour, no processed. I eat meat, vegetables, and fruit. (Wait! am I allowed to have meat…they said that’s bad for you too!) I typically go strong for 2 weeks. Then something happens and I have 1 cheat meal. Which then turns into a cheat day….weekend….week…month…you see how that works. So step one for me is that I’m not going to say I CAN’T have something. I have learned with my personality if I deprive myself of something it’s like a challenge….that little voice inside me says… “oh yea? watch this!” And I reach a point and go overboard. Cue in rummaging the cabinets for butter and powdered sugar to make icing!

Okay, so how does one find that balance to still eat healthy and not totally go off the deep end? Honestly, I am the type of person who needs structure in their lives. I thrive off of it. If I don’t have a plan or roadmap I get lost. Look! Shiney things! So I have to

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decide what I’m going to eat in advance, write it down beforehand and check it off as I do it. I know all the journals are blank and the instructions that I always thought was that you write down what you actually put in your mouth. Well good for you if you have that kind of self-control. Personally, I do not. Therefore I need a whole special set of rules…because well…I’m special…my mother told me that! My rules are to get that new journal and fill in what I’m going to eat the night before or that morning. I’m not going to pretend that I can fill this out the beginning of the week because I know that by Thursday I’m not going to feel like grilled chicken, so I’m going to try to plan the day’s meals as close to that day as possible. The only thing I’m not like that with is breakfast. For some reason, I can have the same exact breakfast every day for a month and it doesn’t bother me. Sometimes the same with lunch. But when it comes to dinner. I don’t know…I get all finicky! Dinner is my problem meal. The first step to solving this is knowing that the problem exists!

Now. I know I’m going to sit down the end of the day (or first thing in the morning…when my schedule allows) and plan out my eating plan for the day. How am I going to decide what I’m going to eat? This is where things get tricky. I would love to say that I’m not a picky eater and I’ll eat about anything. That would be a lie. I’m not crazy about steak unless it’s a tenderloin, I only like chicken cooked a certain way. Not a fan of vegetables, but I do like salad. I LOVE bread and butter. And I love anything in a cream sauce. As you can see I’m predisposed to bad eating habits just based on my likes and dislikes. This means I have to plan and work a little harder. Also with any relationship, there is going to have to be some give and take. I think that sounds fair. th (5)

When planning my meals I’m mostly going for balance. I’m going to be more concerned with the nutritional aspect of what I’m eating rather than the overall calories. Are the calories still going to be a factor…of course, but not to the extent as I have in the past. We are going to go a little off topic here for a minute. A perfect example of why I can’t do the “points” system or calories. Years ago I was on Weight Watchers and I could have 22 points a day. Great! So the way my mind works is how can I maximize the amount of food for the points. I gave up eating real food for junk. I found that I could have 22 meringue cookies for 4 points. Score! So I ate a lot of meringue cookies during that time, and I didn’t lose any weight. Yes, there were weeks I ate nothing but meringue cookies and wine. I was still within my points so…what’s the problem? I did the same thing with calories and the low-fat diet. All I’m going to say is gummy bears and jelly beans. Now you know a little of how my mind works. So no more points and no more calories (really).

I was having a discussion with my son, who seems to have a really good grasp on nutrition and exercise, and he was explaining Macros to me. Okay…. He sent me to this website that IIFYM-How-to-calculate-macros-square explained how all the macro stuff works. In short, my body needs a certain amount of nutrition to function properly. Well, duh, I knew that….I just chose not to listen. So he then sent me to the IIFYM site and said: “start there.” (not I’m not in any way affiliated with or have ever purchased anything from them. You can do a search and use any macros calculator. I’ve actually downloaded an app for my phone to check as well) You put in your information and they calculate how many calories you should eat and what percentage your macros should be. Well okay! We have the beginnings of a roadmap. For those who are going…”I’m not following…what are macros?” Macros are the percentage of Carbs, Fat, and Protein you eat. (in Weigh Watchers defense, this is what the points system is based on along with fiber…I just found a loophole to eat what I want! I need to be held responsible for real numbers!)

Okay so now I know what my macros should be AND how many calories I need. See…you really aren’t going to get away with forgoing the calorie thing. In my opinion, if you are eating the proper percentage of macros and not going off and eating a bunch of high fat and sugar you are going to come in close to your calorie goal. Most of the time! There are always exceptions and that’s why I’m still going to keep an eye on it….I’m just not putting all my focus on calories, but macros. See? Now because I just spent all this time in treatment and I’m taking certain medications I personally need to make sure I’m getting enough vitamin D. So nutrients are another aspect of this little roadmap that I’m going to be keeping an eye on. The whole basis of this is just not about making sure I don’t eat too many calories and I exercise enough. I mean yes this is a fact and plays a role in the whole weight loss plan but, I’m not JUST concerned about losing WEIGHT! I’m working on my overall health. So I need to pay attention to the amounts of nutrients and types of nutrients going into my body. iifym

Nutrition and food is the part I struggle with the most. I have my macros calculator and my daily eating menu. I plan what I’m going to eat prior to putting anything in my mouth. I check off as I consume what is on my list. And then at the end of the day, I enter it all into MyFitnessPal (no don’t work with them either, just the app I use). This will show me where I landed with my macros and nutrition for the day. I look at it and see what I could improve on and then plan for the next day.

Now that I have the food thing figured out. We move on to exercise. Again. I tend to overdo it and go in full force. Again, what I have learned the last 20 months is to listen to your body. Just recently I decided I was going to add a little weight and reps to my upper body workout. Well, I must have done an exercise I haven’t tried since surgery and totally jacked up my shoulder. Yeah…don’t do that! It’s okay to start out slow. It’s okay to not do all the reps and all sets and all the weight at first! Listen to your body! Start out slow. Add slowly. Same thing with cardio. Geeze…work up to that. After surgery, I started walking. Every week I would walk a little longer and a little further. Then I started to add in some running. I would walk and then jog for 30 seconds. I slowly built up and after a year I’m up to running 2 miles without stopping. (not every day though! Haven’t reached that goal yet!) I eventually added weights. Very slowly. I do yoga once a week (should do it more) I stretch, swim, dance, hike and anything else I feel like! The most important thing I’ve found with exercise is to find something you like to do. YOU like to do! If you don’t like it, you won’t do it. balance-rings

I have gone through a thing where I’m exercising 5 days a week and I can’t figure out why I’m not losing weight. Well, the one thing I’ve learned with weight loss and getting healthy is you need ALL components of health. Nutrition is number 1. I don’t care what anyone says if you aren’t putting the right fuel into your body nothing is going to go right. (I could go on about this and disease and a multitude of other topics, but I’ll save it) The second thing is stress management and sleep. I’m going to throw mental health in here..but it could totally be on its own. If you aren’t allowing your body to rest and recover, again it’s not going to help anything. And finally, exercise. Excercise will help with the stress and sleep part (in theory, again…I could take off on a rant here). But you need to strengthen your muscles, bones and keep your body moving. I didn’t mention water so I’ll throw it in here. Drink lots of water!!! I truly believe weight loss and overall health needs all 3 of these to get the results I’m looking for. It is so beyond just losing weight. It’s about overall health and not just a number on the scale.

Whew! There is so much to this! No wonder everyone wants to find a quick fix to health!

Disclaimer: Because we live in the world we live in today, I don’t want anyone to get their feathers ruffled. I am not a doctor or a nutritionist or have any training in any type of health field. I am expressing what I have learned through other professionals and my own experience. These are just my views and am not suggesting anyone follow anything that I have written without the consent of your healthcare professional (doctors, nutritionists etc.) Everything that I have written is my own personal thoughts and experiences. Please consult a doctor or health care professional before you attempt any diet or exercise program.

The next 3 months

Sep18

So I’m looking at the calendar and I’ve got 92 days until my 48th birthday. (GEEZE!) Gosh, that seems old! Well, beats the alternative! My goal was to be in the best shape I could be in when I hit 50. Okay. We’ve got 2 years. I think that’s realistic. As long as my overall goals are realistic! Obviously, some of my original goals have changed a bit. But, I’m thinking at this point I need to get down another 20 lbs. That puts me at 140. Which I think is a reasonable weight for a 50-year-old! I also have this idea that I want to build up my pecs. Now, this would be kind of a new goal. But after my mishap with the weight thing the other day, and current minor injury to the shoulder, I have to do a bit more research on the upper body weight training as it pertains to my current situation. The double mastectomy monkey wrench got thrown in there. But I think with some modifications, and probably a little different route, I can still obtain what I’m going for.

I’m going to concentrate on the cardio, weight training, nutrition and stress management. But most of all the diet. Boy, do I seem to struggle with this aspect of getting healthy. Again, same problem, so many different people telling you different things. It’s no wonder the American population is so overweight! The industry confuses everyone so they don’t know what to do. They seem to keep changing the rules on what’s good and what’s bad. SO….I suppose this is where 2016 is going to play into my favor. I obviously spent a lot of time last year talking to doctors and nutritionists on what is the best thing to eat and what is not. The first thing is to throw away all the weight loss books and forget about all the pills and everything else they say will help. No more listening to “the industry.” Now on the same note, I have to say that I found out that doctors don’t really know anything about nutrition. I mean they know medicine and they are not nutritionists. Which is exactly why there is a whole separate career as a dietician going on! I’ve talked to enough of them over the last year or so and realized they are all saying the same thing. What it all comes down to is Moderation. Do you need to cut out anything from your diet? No, you don’t. Are there things you shouldn’t eat? Well, of course, there are. Like the Cheetos flavored waffles are probably not a good idea. The hard part is I really really like all the bad things!

Now let’s see if I can remember everything I learned!!!!

Let the games begin!

In a mental limbo

Sep18

It’s been quite some time since I’ve contributed anything here. Been a bit busy with the business and trying to figure out what to do next! Trying to get a business up and running is a lot of work. In addition to the event planning (which is really just wedding planning at this point) I’ve been doing refinance signings. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. But it’s something. Oh and the son got married 2 weeks ago, so I’ve been all over the place. It’s coming to the end of wedding season and I’m trying to come up with ways to promote the business as well as trying to figure out exactly which direction I want to go in with this. I live in an area that is very big on the DIY thing. Everyone thinks that planning is the same as organizing and decorating. Oh if it were only that much.

So in addition to all that I’ve been kind of struggling with my lack of care and thought about the whole cancer thing. I talk to people who have been through it and I don’t seem to really care about it as much as I think I should. I mean yes it happened. Yes, it was horrible. Yes, I never want to go through it again. But I’m finding that I’m moving on. Anniversaries are coming up and I look back and yes I get emotional over it. I think about how hard it was and how far I’ve come. I haven’t gone to a support group meeting in forever. And it’s not for any other reason other than I suppose I don’t really need the support anymore. But I start thinking, yeah, you don’t, but maybe you can help someone going through it who needs some sort of positivity. But then I think I don’t want to get pulled back into all that. I honestly and selfishly just want to put it behind me. Not to the point of pretending it never happened, but to just move on from it. I suppose it would be something like not wanting to live in the past or dwelling on it. But is that really what’s happening there? I mean there has got to be some balance there. This is one of those instances where you don’t have to go to extremes.

I just find it interesting that mentally this is where I am. I feel like I have no fear with things. I’m in this weird mental limbo. It’s like I don’t think, I just do things. Yet I over think and plan everything. I have a very strong lust for life and “just do it” kind of attitude but at the same time, I’m just numb. It’s a very interesting place. I feel like I’m trying so desperately to get out of the woods, but I’m not quite to the edge yet. Just when I think everything is “normal” something reels me back in to remind me. So I wonder if this is going to be my “new normal” or if I’m still in a transition. It seems like it all happened so long ago, yet I haven’t been out of treatment a year yet.

I sometimes feel like I jumped into things too soon. I have those “what the hell did I do?” moments. But then the panic stops and I feel like if I didn’t jump into things I wouldn’t be as far along with getting back to some sort of normalcy. I’m sure I’m totally over thinking all this. I need to just go with things and see where they take me!

So with that, I guess I can pick up on my little Diva journey where I left off. I still think it’s funny that this whole blog started off as a weight loss journey to reclaim my confidence back and this is how it played out. SOOOOO…..what have we learned from this little detour? Eat right. Exercise. Manage stress. Stay positive. Do what makes you happy. Live life to the fullest. You need to have a truly balanced life all around.

And so we resume Making of a Diva….

The Zen of Hiking

Jul11

Two weekends ago we went on our first major hike since we have been here. And as usual, every time I hike I get very introspective. My mind starts to think about each step and how the hike I’m on parallels my life. The last hike I did this on was to Finch Lake in Colorado. 5 miles in and 5 miles back. It was probably the hardest hike I’ve ever been on. This hike to St. Mary Peak would probably be ranked number 2. A very closer number 2.

The hike was 3.5 miles uphill. And then another 3.5 miles back downhill. And when I say hill I mean mountain. When I first start out I have a lot of energy and hope that this is going to be a piece of cake and will breeze right through. Then about 1/2 mile into it I start to get tired. I stop a lot along the way to catch my breath. I get to a point where I don’t think I continue and that’s when the zen of the hike sets in. I start to correlate the hike to life. If I can go through cancer, I can hike up this mountain. If I quit it will have beat me. What if I had done that when I was going through treatment? Then I begin to realize that the journey of the hike is very similar to life’s journey. You get to a point where you are just exhausted; physically and mentally you are done. You start to make deals with yourself if you get to the end. The worst part of the journey is when you can see the end in sight, but it still seems so far away. You are out of breath, your legs hurt and you just sit there on ponder if it’s worth it. Then you realize that you have come this far and you have no choice but to continue and complete this journey. When you finally make it to the top, your legs are shaking, your chest hurts but you have a renewed sense of accomplishment. You rest and take it easy for a bit. You enjoy the view. You soak up the success of your accomplishment. But it is short lived and now you must move on and continue to complete the journey. You must go downhill.

Down is much easier than up, right? I mean it will go quicker. Well, down has its own set of challenges. It may be easier in some ways, but you are still exhausted and worn down from the up journey. You have to pace yourself and try not to get too ambitious. You have a tendency to want to get it over with as fast as you can. But if you go too fast you risk tripping over rocks or stumps and possibly falling and really hurting yourself. There are times when you still need to stop to get your bearings. So you constantly remind yourself to pace yourself and take it easy.

When you finally come to the end, your legs are burning, you are beyond exhausted and are unable to move for days afterward. You are beyond relieved that the hike is over. You have a sense of accomplishment but look back at each section that was troublesome for you and how you got through it. You rest and plan your next adventure.

Now that we got the first hike of the season out of the way, I think from here on out I’m going to stick to shorter, less elevated hills. Let’s hope I can mimic that in life as well.

Happy Anniversary!

Jun29

One year ago today I had my double mastectomy. I didn’t think I would get emotional, and then the “on this day” post came up on the Facebook feed. As I was reading the updates and words of encouragement, and them my first response out of surgery “Nastiiieeee, yay crackers.”, I started to ponder the feelings and emotions from that day. I have to say I had never been so terrified in my life. The entire experience is kind of a blur. I remember the tears rolling down my face and trying not to panic as they put me under. So many different thoughts and emotions and then just being numb. I remember waking up in my room, not having remembered a thing from being in the recovery room. I remember how sick I felt and how I had never experienced pain like this before. I remember feeling like I hit rock bottom. Hairless, flat chested and unable to think straight. Tubes hanging out of my sides and unable to feel anything, physically and emotionally. People trying to comfort me but there was no comfort to be had. Feeling like everything was taken away from me. The realization that I was literally going to have to rebuild myself from the ground up.

If ever there was a darkest time in my life, this would be that time. Only those who have gone through this can relate, although others would tell me about their surgeries and time in the hospital. And those people who reassured me that I would have reconstruction before I knew it so it wasn’t that big of a deal. The jokes about all this to get a new set of boobs. Realizing how utterly ignorant people were.

So here I am 1 year later. I am still not a candidate for reconstruction. And I’m really okay with it. I still have numbness where the scars are and the surrounding area. I still get pains in my chest and under my arms. I still freak out with feeling the clips and scar tissue wondering for a brief moment if I’m going to have to face round two.

The psychological part of all this is getting better. I’m getting used to my new body and rolling with the changes of new normal. I still don’t have the upper body strength or range of motion I once had, but I’m working on it and it all gets better every day. I do yoga once a week (which I really need to do it more). I’ve started to lift weights (about 20 lbs). I’ve had a few setbacks over the last year, but I’m definitely better than I was! I would estimate that I’m at about 75% at this point. (physically and mentally)

I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t talk about any of this anymore. I’m trying not to dwell in the past. Now I’m not saying that I will ever forget any of this, I am just trying to move forward. When I was going through everything I was very open about every step. Now I find myself keeping much if it to myself. This last year has been a very exhausting journey personally. I think I’m not sharing as much because I don’t want to use it as a crutch and people just get sick and tired of hearing about it. But mostly because it’s been such a personal growth experience for me.

The further away it gets the less real it seems to have been. I know over the years, people will forget. People will never realize the impact and the pain and the struggle. There are still times when I feel so completely alone because of all of this. The friends and family that have fizzled away. Those who are bothered that I’m not quite the same person as I once was. Those who can’t understand why I sometimes get quiet and lose myself in thought. Why sometimes I think about it and just break down because it is still so overwhelming.

So I will celebrate the anniversaries over the years, and look back to remember the struggle and how far I have come. I will celebrate how I overcame so much in one year. I will celebrate how it has shaped me emotionally and physically. And I will celebrate being alive.