Tag Archive | life after cancer

Reality has set in

Dec2

I’ve been kind of depressed the last few weeks. I don’t know what triggered it. Surgery, the weather, the holidays. I’m sure all the above. When I get like this I either throw myself into work or stay in bed and binge watch TV. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been doing both. Now, I stay in bed with my laptop and work while I binge watch. Fantastic.  One of the things that has been weighing on my mind lately is life after Cancer. During treatment it was physical. I was so drugged up I really had no idea what was going on. I would be lying if I said I remembered 2016. It’s like a dream. When I say it was physical, I refer to the treatment and the surgery and radiation, so draining on a physical level. Spending all that time in the gym to keep myself going.

Physically I’m trying to accept some of the aftermaths of 2016. My hair is growing, but it’s not as thick as it was. I still don’t have breasts and never will. The scars are “healing nicely.” I have very mixed feelings about that part still. On one hand, it’s really nice not downloadhaving them. I have prosthesis that I wear sometimes and the joy of taking those things off when I get home is wonderful. The scars are ugly and make me sad. It’s a constant reminder of the hell. I don’t feel the least bit attractive, and it’s really hard to feel any sort of sensuality. This is one of those things I’m really trying to work through. The other thing is I don’t have hormones anymore. The big one being estrogen. So this makes any bit of intimacy a challenge, to say the least. So mentally this has been a hard obstacle to get over. I’m going to have the Mona Lisa procedure done after the first of the year and I hear that makes everything better. So that part is temporary. I don’t think that ER/PR positive cancer patients should have to pay for the procedure. I think it should be part of treatment. They take away just about everything that defines you as a woman. Insurance will cover breast reconstruction but they won’t make it so you can have a sex life or not have constant UTIs? Well, that’s great. Obviously having breasts are more important than normal functions. That seems fair. I’m sure I will express my opinion on this matter coming up to people who don’t care. Then there is the pain that still goes on. The bone pain. The kidney pain. The liver pain. The intestinal pain. The hot flashes and all that is getting better, but it’s very strange to be hot and cold at the same time.

With all these physical things I’m dealing with it’s really messing with my mental state. download (3)In addition to all this, I’m trying so hard to accept and get used to, we are in winter, where the sun doesn’t come out. It’s always overcast. So it’s dark and cold. That does not help my mood. And the holidays. Deep down I love the holiday season. But I am in such a place mentally that it’s very confusing. So how the hell am I going to get past this? I mean I know in 2016 I would have my breakdown that I couldn’t do this anymore and then I would be fine. Last night I had a total meltdown and started to think the same way. But then I’m like, You’ve come this far, don’t let THIS beat you.

I wasn’t going to decorate this year, but then I started thinking about it. I need to. I need to be surrounded by things that make me happy (and sad too). I need to look at all these things I made to remind me that I can do things and I am good at things. I’ve spent the last year in the event community and everyone seems so good at the decorating and making things. I mean I look at everyone’s pictures and I’m amazed. I think why can’t I do that kind of thing. Why don’t I have that talent? It’s so easy for me to think I’m not good at stuff. (yes this is part of my downward spiral all related to the above…if you were wondering how this ties in). So as I’m pulling out the Christmas decorations, I’m looking at stuff and I’m like, wow! that’s awesome. I then look through pictures of things I have done and made. And you know, I’m just as good as these other people. And professional pictures can usually make anything look good with the right lighting and angles. (Just say’n)

Okay so while I’m sitting here having my pity party and trying to give myself a pep talk, I’m thinking, how can I get my shit together? Whereas 2016 was physical and I don’t remember anything, 2017 has been very mental and I feel like I’m all over the place. It’s like in 2017 we took all my feelings and emotions and threw them up in the air and download (2)scattered them everywhere. People ask me how I am or how I feel, and of course I say fine, but honestly, I don’t know. So all I know is I have to find a way to keep pushing through. It’s so funny because people forget. When you are going through treatment everyone is pulling for you and then you end treatment and is like…oh….she made it, she’s fine. No, really. I’m not. But hey, thanks for not asking.

I am finding myself going back to some of my old ways. Like I want to try to help people as much as I can. I extend myself and go out of my way to talk to people and be of assistance. Well, I need to stop. I also need to stop caring about what other people think. I do have to say 2016 was great for that…I didn’t give two shits about anyone or anything, or how they felt. Wasn’t important. So as I come out of the fog, I’m starting to care again. Maybe I should write a post: Things I learned from Cancer! So, I’m not going to try to help people anymore unless they specifically ask. Obviously, for certain organizations and stuff I will, but not individuals. The biggest thing I learned from my cancer experience is 1. put yourself first. 2. who cares what people say or think. I quite enjoyed not being part of the drama. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t give a shit.

I’m hoping that things start to balance out a little more in 2018. I’m not asking for complete normalcy because that’s just not going to happen. I have to realize that there are still some things that are not forever. After I have this procedure that should make the world of difference and one less issue to deal with. (Mona Lisa Touch….look it up. if you are going through Menopause or have had a full hysterectomy or you have gone through cancer treatment look into this. I’ve heard amazing life changing stories! And yes I will give a full report once I’m done!) That will be one down. I really need to get back to the gym. I think my lack of energy and depression has to do with my ladownload (1)ck of exercise lately. I’m at about 85% from my last surgery (Had oophorectomy so I could stop taking the Lupron shots and be less miserable) So that will help with that. The breast thing. I’m just going to have to deal and embrace it. If you are asking…”why don’t you just have reconstruction done if it bothers you so much?” Well…I’ve heard a lot of stories about it and I’m choosing the lesser of the two evils. I don’t have any extra skin so they would have to graph it and the expanders and the possibility of tubes again, and the pain. No thanks. I’ve heard and seen some pretty awful horror stories about reconstruction after double mastectomy and I will NEVER volunteer to have a surgery done that could cause more problems than not.

Okay so I know where I need to be and how to get there. Now it’s a matter of following through. But as usual….I got this!

Back on Track!

Sep19

Of course, now that I’ve committed myself to getting my self together and back on track, this means I’ll probably be posting a lot more. Yay! More blog activity! I’m starting all this with baby steps. And again, I’m trying to learn from the past 20 months! I have always had an issue of having this all or nothing type of attitude. Which helps with some things, but doesn’t always work for others. If I’ve learned one thing with me, it doesn’t work with food or exercise. The patterns I have noticed: I decide I’m going to start eating “right” so I go full force, no sugar, no white flour, no processed. I eat meat, vegetables, and fruit. (Wait! am I allowed to have meat…they said that’s bad for you too!) I typically go strong for 2 weeks. Then something happens and I have 1 cheat meal. Which then turns into a cheat day….weekend….week…month…you see how that works. So step one for me is that I’m not going to say I CAN’T have something. I have learned with my personality if I deprive myself of something it’s like a challenge….that little voice inside me says… “oh yea? watch this!” And I reach a point and go overboard. Cue in rummaging the cabinets for butter and powdered sugar to make icing!

Okay, so how does one find that balance to still eat healthy and not totally go off the deep end? Honestly, I am the type of person who needs structure in their lives. I thrive off of it. If I don’t have a plan or roadmap I get lost. Look! Shiney things! So I have to

healthy-diet

decide what I’m going to eat in advance, write it down beforehand and check it off as I do it. I know all the journals are blank and the instructions that I always thought was that you write down what you actually put in your mouth. Well good for you if you have that kind of self-control. Personally, I do not. Therefore I need a whole special set of rules…because well…I’m special…my mother told me that! My rules are to get that new journal and fill in what I’m going to eat the night before or that morning. I’m not going to pretend that I can fill this out the beginning of the week because I know that by Thursday I’m not going to feel like grilled chicken, so I’m going to try to plan the day’s meals as close to that day as possible. The only thing I’m not like that with is breakfast. For some reason, I can have the same exact breakfast every day for a month and it doesn’t bother me. Sometimes the same with lunch. But when it comes to dinner. I don’t know…I get all finicky! Dinner is my problem meal. The first step to solving this is knowing that the problem exists!

 

 

Now. I know I’m going to sit down the end of the day (or first thing in the morning…when my schedule allows) and plan out my eating plan for the day.  How am I going to decide what I’m going to eat? This is where things get tricky. I would love to say that I’m not a picky eater and I’ll eat about anything. That would be a lie. I’m not crazy about steak unless it’s a tenderloin, I only like chicken cooked a certain way. Not a fan of vegetables, but I do like salad. I LOVE bread and butter. And I love anything in a cream sauce. As you can see I’m predisposed to bad eating habits just based on my likes and dislikes. This means I have to plan and work a little harder. Also with any relationship, there is going to have to be some give and take. I think that sounds fair.th (5)

 

 

 

 

When planning my meals I’m mostly going for balance. I’m going to be more concerned with the nutritional aspect of what I’m eating rather than the overall calories. Are the calories still going to be a factor…of course, but not to the extent as I have in the past. We are going to go a little off topic here for a minute. A perfect example of why I can’t do the “points” system or calories. Years ago I was on Weight Watchers and I could have 22 points a day. Great! So the way my mind works is how can I maximize the amount of food for the points. I gave up eating real food for junk. I found that I could have 22 meringue cookies for 4 points. Score! So I ate a lot of meringue cookies during that time, and I didn’t lose any weight. Yes, there were weeks I ate nothing but meringue cookies and wine. I was still within my points so…what’s the problem? I did the same thing with calories and the low-fat diet. All I’m going to say is gummy bears and jelly beans.  Now you know a little of how my mind works. So no more points and no more calories (really).

 

I was having a discussion with my son, who seems to have a really good grasp on nutrition and exercise, and he was explaining Macros to me. Okay…. He sent me to this website thatIIFYM-How-to-calculate-macros-square explained how all the macro stuff works. In short, my body needs a certain amount of nutrition to function properly. Well, duh, I knew that….I just chose not to listen. So he then sent me to the IIFYM site and said: “start there.” (not I’m not in any way affiliated with or have ever purchased anything from them. You can do a search and use any macros calculator. I’ve actually downloaded an app for my phone to check as well) You put in your information and they calculate how many calories you should eat and what percentage your macros should be. Well okay! We have the beginnings of a roadmap. For those who are going…”I’m not following…what are macros?”  Macros are the percentage of Carbs, Fat, and Protein you eat. (in Weigh Watchers defense, this is what the points system is based on along with fiber…I just found a loophole to eat what I want! I need to be held responsible for real numbers!)

 

Okay so now I know what my macros should be AND how many calories I need. See…you really aren’t going to get away with forgoing the calorie thing. In my opinion, if you are eating the proper percentage of macros and not going off and eating a bunch of high fat and sugar you are going to come in close to your calorie goal. Most of the time! There are always exceptions and that’s why I’m still going to keep an eye on it….I’m just not putting all my focus on calories, but macros. See? Now because I just spent all this time in treatment and I’m taking certain medications I personally need to make sure I’m getting enough vitamin D. So nutrients are another aspect of this little roadmap that I’m going to be keeping an eye on. The whole basis of this is just not about making sure I don’t eat too many calories and I exercise enough. I mean yes this is a fact and plays a role in the whole weight loss plan but, I’m not JUST concerned about losing WEIGHT! I’m working on my overall health. So I need to pay attention to the amounts of nutrients and types of nutrients going into my body.iifym

Nutrition and food is the part I struggle with the most. I have my macros calculator and my daily eating menu. I plan what I’m going to eat prior to putting anything in my mouth. I check off as I consume what is on my list. And then at the end of the day, I enter it all into MyFitnessPal (no don’t work with them either, just the app I use). This will show me where I landed with my macros and nutrition for the day. I look at it and see what I could improve on and then plan for the next day.

Now that I have the food thing figured out. We move on to exercise. Again. I tend to overdo it and go in full force. Again, what I have learned the last 20 months is to listen to your body. Just recently I decided I was going to add a little weight and reps to my upper body workout. Well, I must have done an exercise I haven’t tried since surgery and totally jacked up my shoulder. Yeah…don’t do that! It’s okay to start out slow. It’s okay to not do all the reps and all sets and all the weight at first! Listen to your body! Start out slow. Add slowly. Same thing with cardio. Geeze…work up to that. After surgery, I started walking. Every week I would walk a little longer and a little further. Then I started to add in some running. I would walk and then jog for 30 seconds. I slowly built up and after a year I’m up to running 2 miles without stopping. (not every day though! Haven’t reached that goal yet!) I eventually added weights. Very slowly. I do yoga once a week (should do it more) I stretch, swim, dance, hike and anything else I feel like! The most important thing I’ve found with exercise is to find something you like to do. YOU like to do! If you don’t like it, you won’t do it. balance-rings

I have gone through a thing where I’m exercising 5 days a week and I can’t figure out why I’m not losing weight. Well, the one thing I’ve learned with weight loss and getting healthy is you need ALL components of health. Nutrition is number 1. I don’t care what anyone says if you aren’t putting the right fuel into your body nothing is going to go right. (I could go on about this and disease and a multitude of other topics, but I’ll save it) The second thing is stress management and sleep. I’m going to throw mental health in here..but it could totally be on its own. If you aren’t allowing your body to rest and recover, again it’s not going to help anything. And finally, exercise. Excercise will help with the stress and sleep part (in theory, again…I could take off on a rant here). But you need to strengthen your muscles, bones and keep your body moving.  I didn’t mention water so I’ll throw it in here. Drink lots of water!!! I truly believe weight loss and overall health needs all 3 of these to get the results I’m looking for. It is so beyond just losing weight. It’s about overall health and not just a number on the scale.

Whew! There is so much to this! No wonder everyone wants to find a quick fix to health!

Disclaimer: Because we live in the world we live in today, I don’t want anyone to get their feathers ruffled. I am not a doctor or a nutritionist or have any training in any type of health field. I am expressing what I have learned through other professionals and my own experience. These are just my views and am not suggesting anyone follow anything that I have written without the consent of your healthcare professional (doctors, nutritionists etc.) Everything that I have written is my own personal thoughts and experiences. Please consult a doctor or health care professional before you attempt any diet or exercise program.