Tag Archive | breast cancer

Reality has set in

I’ve been kind of depressed the last few weeks. I don’t know what triggered it. Surgery, the weather, the holidays. I’m sure all the above. When I get like this I either throw myself into work or stay in bed and binge watch TV. I’m not going to lie, I’ve been doing both. Now, I stay in bed with my laptop and work while I binge watch. Fantastic. One of the things that has been weighing on my mind lately is life after Cancer. During treatment it was physical. I was so drugged up I really had no idea what was going on. I would be lying if I said I remembered 2016. It’s like a dream. When I say it was physical, I refer to the treatment and the surgery and radiation, so draining on a physical level. Spending all that time in the gym to keep myself going.

Physically I’m trying to accept some of the aftermaths of 2016. My hair is growing, but it’s not as thick as it was. I still don’t have breasts and never will. The scars are “healing nicely.” I have very mixed feelings about that part still. On one hand, it’s really nice not download having them. I have prosthesis that I wear sometimes and the joy of taking those things off when I get home is wonderful. The scars are ugly and make me sad. It’s a constant reminder of the hell. I don’t feel the least bit attractive, and it’s really hard to feel any sort of sensuality. This is one of those things I’m really trying to work through. The other thing is I don’t have hormones anymore. The big one being estrogen. So this makes any bit of intimacy a challenge, to say the least. So mentally this has been a hard obstacle to get over. I’m going to have the Mona Lisa procedure done after the first of the year and I hear that makes everything better. So that part is temporary. I don’t think that ER/PR positive cancer patients should have to pay for the procedure. I think it should be part of treatment. They take away just about everything that defines you as a woman. Insurance will cover breast reconstruction but they won’t make it so you can have a sex life or not have constant UTIs? Well, that’s great. Obviously having breasts are more important than normal functions. That seems fair. I’m sure I will express my opinion on this matter coming up to people who don’t care. Then there is the pain that still goes on. The bone pain. The kidney pain. The liver pain. The intestinal pain. The hot flashes and all that is getting better, but it’s very strange to be hot and cold at the same time.

With all these physical things I’m dealing with it’s really messing with my mental state. download (3) In addition to all this, I’m trying so hard to accept and get used to, we are in winter, where the sun doesn’t come out. It’s always overcast. So it’s dark and cold. That does not help my mood. And the holidays. Deep down I love the holiday season. But I am in such a place mentally that it’s very confusing. So how the hell am I going to get past this? I mean I know in 2016 I would have my breakdown that I couldn’t do this anymore and then I would be fine. Last night I had a total meltdown and started to think the same way. But then I’m like, You’ve come this far, don’t let THIS beat you.

I wasn’t going to decorate this year, but then I started thinking about it. I need to. I need to be surrounded by things that make me happy (and sad too). I need to look at all these things I made to remind me that I can do things and I am good at things. I’ve spent the last year in the event community and everyone seems so good at the decorating and making things. I mean I look at everyone’s pictures and I’m amazed. I think why can’t I do that kind of thing. Why don’t I have that talent? It’s so easy for me to think I’m not good at stuff. (yes this is part of my downward spiral all related to the above…if you were wondering how this ties in). So as I’m pulling out the Christmas decorations, I’m looking at stuff and I’m like, wow! that’s awesome. I then look through pictures of things I have done and made. And you know, I’m just as good as these other people. And professional pictures can usually make anything look good with the right lighting and angles. (Just say’n)

Okay so while I’m sitting here having my pity party and trying to give myself a pep talk, I’m thinking, how can I get my shit together? Whereas 2016 was physical and I don’t remember anything, 2017 has been very mental and I feel like I’m all over the place. It’s like in 2017 we took all my feelings and emotions and threw them up in the air and download (2) scattered them everywhere. People ask me how I am or how I feel, and of course I say fine, but honestly, I don’t know. So all I know is I have to find a way to keep pushing through. It’s so funny because people forget. When you are going through treatment everyone is pulling for you and then you end treatment and is like…oh….she made it, she’s fine. No, really. I’m not. But hey, thanks for not asking.

I am finding myself going back to some of my old ways. Like I want to try to help people as much as I can. I extend myself and go out of my way to talk to people and be of assistance. Well, I need to stop. I also need to stop caring about what other people think. I do have to say 2016 was great for that…I didn’t give two shits about anyone or anything, or how they felt. Wasn’t important. So as I come out of the fog, I’m starting to care again. Maybe I should write a post: Things I learned from Cancer! So, I’m not going to try to help people anymore unless they specifically ask. Obviously, for certain organizations and stuff I will, but not individuals. The biggest thing I learned from my cancer experience is 1. put yourself first. 2. who cares what people say or think. I quite enjoyed not being part of the drama. Life is too short to waste energy on people who don’t give a shit.

I’m hoping that things start to balance out a little more in 2018. I’m not asking for complete normalcy because that’s just not going to happen. I have to realize that there are still some things that are not forever. After I have this procedure that should make the world of difference and one less issue to deal with. (Mona Lisa Touch….look it up. if you are going through Menopause or have had a full hysterectomy or you have gone through cancer treatment look into this. I’ve heard amazing life changing stories! And yes I will give a full report once I’m done!) That will be one down. I really need to get back to the gym. I think my lack of energy and depression has to do with my la download (1) ck of exercise lately. I’m at about 85% from my last surgery (Had oophorectomy so I could stop taking the Lupron shots and be less miserable) So that will help with that. The breast thing. I’m just going to have to deal and embrace it. If you are asking…”why don’t you just have reconstruction done if it bothers you so much?” Well…I’ve heard a lot of stories about it and I’m choosing the lesser of the two evils. I don’t have any extra skin so they would have to graph it and the expanders and the possibility of tubes again, and the pain. No thanks. I’ve heard and seen some pretty awful horror stories about reconstruction after double mastectomy and I will NEVER volunteer to have a surgery done that could cause more problems than not.

Okay so I know where I need to be and how to get there. Now it’s a matter of following through. But as usual….I got this!

Back on Track!

Sep19

Of course, now that I’ve committed myself to getting my self together and back on track, this means I’ll probably be posting a lot more. Yay! More blog activity! I’m starting all this with baby steps. And again, I’m trying to learn from the past 20 months! I have always had an issue of having this all or nothing type of attitude. Which helps with some things, but doesn’t always work for others. If I’ve learned one thing with me, it doesn’t work with food or exercise. The patterns I have noticed: I decide I’m going to start eating “right” so I go full force, no sugar, no white flour, no processed. I eat meat, vegetables, and fruit. (Wait! am I allowed to have meat…they said that’s bad for you too!) I typically go strong for 2 weeks. Then something happens and I have 1 cheat meal. Which then turns into a cheat day….weekend….week…month…you see how that works. So step one for me is that I’m not going to say I CAN’T have something. I have learned with my personality if I deprive myself of something it’s like a challenge….that little voice inside me says… “oh yea? watch this!” And I reach a point and go overboard. Cue in rummaging the cabinets for butter and powdered sugar to make icing!

Okay, so how does one find that balance to still eat healthy and not totally go off the deep end? Honestly, I am the type of person who needs structure in their lives. I thrive off of it. If I don’t have a plan or roadmap I get lost. Look! Shiney things! So I have to

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decide what I’m going to eat in advance, write it down beforehand and check it off as I do it. I know all the journals are blank and the instructions that I always thought was that you write down what you actually put in your mouth. Well good for you if you have that kind of self-control. Personally, I do not. Therefore I need a whole special set of rules…because well…I’m special…my mother told me that! My rules are to get that new journal and fill in what I’m going to eat the night before or that morning. I’m not going to pretend that I can fill this out the beginning of the week because I know that by Thursday I’m not going to feel like grilled chicken, so I’m going to try to plan the day’s meals as close to that day as possible. The only thing I’m not like that with is breakfast. For some reason, I can have the same exact breakfast every day for a month and it doesn’t bother me. Sometimes the same with lunch. But when it comes to dinner. I don’t know…I get all finicky! Dinner is my problem meal. The first step to solving this is knowing that the problem exists!

Now. I know I’m going to sit down the end of the day (or first thing in the morning…when my schedule allows) and plan out my eating plan for the day. How am I going to decide what I’m going to eat? This is where things get tricky. I would love to say that I’m not a picky eater and I’ll eat about anything. That would be a lie. I’m not crazy about steak unless it’s a tenderloin, I only like chicken cooked a certain way. Not a fan of vegetables, but I do like salad. I LOVE bread and butter. And I love anything in a cream sauce. As you can see I’m predisposed to bad eating habits just based on my likes and dislikes. This means I have to plan and work a little harder. Also with any relationship, there is going to have to be some give and take. I think that sounds fair. th (5)

When planning my meals I’m mostly going for balance. I’m going to be more concerned with the nutritional aspect of what I’m eating rather than the overall calories. Are the calories still going to be a factor…of course, but not to the extent as I have in the past. We are going to go a little off topic here for a minute. A perfect example of why I can’t do the “points” system or calories. Years ago I was on Weight Watchers and I could have 22 points a day. Great! So the way my mind works is how can I maximize the amount of food for the points. I gave up eating real food for junk. I found that I could have 22 meringue cookies for 4 points. Score! So I ate a lot of meringue cookies during that time, and I didn’t lose any weight. Yes, there were weeks I ate nothing but meringue cookies and wine. I was still within my points so…what’s the problem? I did the same thing with calories and the low-fat diet. All I’m going to say is gummy bears and jelly beans. Now you know a little of how my mind works. So no more points and no more calories (really).

I was having a discussion with my son, who seems to have a really good grasp on nutrition and exercise, and he was explaining Macros to me. Okay…. He sent me to this website that IIFYM-How-to-calculate-macros-square explained how all the macro stuff works. In short, my body needs a certain amount of nutrition to function properly. Well, duh, I knew that….I just chose not to listen. So he then sent me to the IIFYM site and said: “start there.” (not I’m not in any way affiliated with or have ever purchased anything from them. You can do a search and use any macros calculator. I’ve actually downloaded an app for my phone to check as well) You put in your information and they calculate how many calories you should eat and what percentage your macros should be. Well okay! We have the beginnings of a roadmap. For those who are going…”I’m not following…what are macros?” Macros are the percentage of Carbs, Fat, and Protein you eat. (in Weigh Watchers defense, this is what the points system is based on along with fiber…I just found a loophole to eat what I want! I need to be held responsible for real numbers!)

Okay so now I know what my macros should be AND how many calories I need. See…you really aren’t going to get away with forgoing the calorie thing. In my opinion, if you are eating the proper percentage of macros and not going off and eating a bunch of high fat and sugar you are going to come in close to your calorie goal. Most of the time! There are always exceptions and that’s why I’m still going to keep an eye on it….I’m just not putting all my focus on calories, but macros. See? Now because I just spent all this time in treatment and I’m taking certain medications I personally need to make sure I’m getting enough vitamin D. So nutrients are another aspect of this little roadmap that I’m going to be keeping an eye on. The whole basis of this is just not about making sure I don’t eat too many calories and I exercise enough. I mean yes this is a fact and plays a role in the whole weight loss plan but, I’m not JUST concerned about losing WEIGHT! I’m working on my overall health. So I need to pay attention to the amounts of nutrients and types of nutrients going into my body. iifym

Nutrition and food is the part I struggle with the most. I have my macros calculator and my daily eating menu. I plan what I’m going to eat prior to putting anything in my mouth. I check off as I consume what is on my list. And then at the end of the day, I enter it all into MyFitnessPal (no don’t work with them either, just the app I use). This will show me where I landed with my macros and nutrition for the day. I look at it and see what I could improve on and then plan for the next day.

Now that I have the food thing figured out. We move on to exercise. Again. I tend to overdo it and go in full force. Again, what I have learned the last 20 months is to listen to your body. Just recently I decided I was going to add a little weight and reps to my upper body workout. Well, I must have done an exercise I haven’t tried since surgery and totally jacked up my shoulder. Yeah…don’t do that! It’s okay to start out slow. It’s okay to not do all the reps and all sets and all the weight at first! Listen to your body! Start out slow. Add slowly. Same thing with cardio. Geeze…work up to that. After surgery, I started walking. Every week I would walk a little longer and a little further. Then I started to add in some running. I would walk and then jog for 30 seconds. I slowly built up and after a year I’m up to running 2 miles without stopping. (not every day though! Haven’t reached that goal yet!) I eventually added weights. Very slowly. I do yoga once a week (should do it more) I stretch, swim, dance, hike and anything else I feel like! The most important thing I’ve found with exercise is to find something you like to do. YOU like to do! If you don’t like it, you won’t do it. balance-rings

I have gone through a thing where I’m exercising 5 days a week and I can’t figure out why I’m not losing weight. Well, the one thing I’ve learned with weight loss and getting healthy is you need ALL components of health. Nutrition is number 1. I don’t care what anyone says if you aren’t putting the right fuel into your body nothing is going to go right. (I could go on about this and disease and a multitude of other topics, but I’ll save it) The second thing is stress management and sleep. I’m going to throw mental health in here..but it could totally be on its own. If you aren’t allowing your body to rest and recover, again it’s not going to help anything. And finally, exercise. Excercise will help with the stress and sleep part (in theory, again…I could take off on a rant here). But you need to strengthen your muscles, bones and keep your body moving. I didn’t mention water so I’ll throw it in here. Drink lots of water!!! I truly believe weight loss and overall health needs all 3 of these to get the results I’m looking for. It is so beyond just losing weight. It’s about overall health and not just a number on the scale.

Whew! There is so much to this! No wonder everyone wants to find a quick fix to health!

Disclaimer: Because we live in the world we live in today, I don’t want anyone to get their feathers ruffled. I am not a doctor or a nutritionist or have any training in any type of health field. I am expressing what I have learned through other professionals and my own experience. These are just my views and am not suggesting anyone follow anything that I have written without the consent of your healthcare professional (doctors, nutritionists etc.) Everything that I have written is my own personal thoughts and experiences. Please consult a doctor or health care professional before you attempt any diet or exercise program.

What Next

Dec27

I’ve been sitting here the last few days trying to figure out what my next steps are. What exactly it is I need to do and what I want to do. I was told at one point to look at this as having a blank slate. So I sit here staring at a blank slate wondering what my first stroke will be. I may be over thinking this. I feel like whatever color I choose or shape I create will define the remainder of my life. Logically I know this isn’t true. But I think I’m putting unnecessary pressure on myself to make sure I do everything just right. It’s like I want this next chapter to be perfect. I know that isn’t right. If I have learned anything I should go in with 3 paint brushes in each hand all different colors and just go nuts. Of course, that’s kind of how I’ve always lived my life it seems. I’ve never had a specific direction. I’ve always just flown by the seat of my pants and wait to see where things take me. I’ve never had a plan. Which is just crazy for someone who seems to always be planning something. So I’ve been really taking a look at my life and myself. It’s been hard to look at myself from an outside point of view. Being totally objective. Being without personal emotional attachment.

Through treatment, I had been in a bit of a daze. I just went and did what I was told. I didn’t have to think too much about what to do and where I was going. The only thing I needed to know and be aware of is getting through all of it. My whole thought process was very simple, “whatever needs to be done to get this out of my body and make sure it never comes back…let’s do that.” It was all very simple. The drugs from chemo really affected my brain function. Surgery really messed with my mental state. Radiation wore me down mentally and physically. I sit here a month and a half after everything slowly coming out of all this fog. I still have trouble verbally communicating. I have the thought in my head but I can’t think of all the words I’m supposed to use. Sometimes I can’t think of the order the words are supposed to be in. It’s like my brain and verbal function is not connected sometimes. Other things I have issues with are planning and multitasking. I purposely decided to cook specific things this holiday season because cooking, I have found, helps with all those functions. I have to plan it out and then do things in a specific order and at a specific time. That has helped. Of course, if something goes wrong I panic and then I lose my ability to communicate and reason. On the up side, it has shown me exactly where my weaknesses are and what I need to work on. I’ve been doing a lot of word games to try to help this. I also found some other games that help with order and reasoning.

Physically, I go back and forth between extreme fatigue and wanting to run a marathon. The physical part I’m not as concerned about. I go and work out at least 3-4 times a week at this point. I run, walk, swim and stretch. Coming up here soon I’ll be upping the work outs a bit more. Weights for my upper body are a tricky thing yet. I tried but I have to be very careful. If I do too much my whole upper body swells. I figured the swimming will help the upper body some. And I did start to do planks. Eventually, my upper body will be strong enough to start adding weights on dry land. But for now, we keep it in the water.

I’m trying to look at things as positively and realistically as possible. If I were to say 2017 is going to be a fabulous year and there will be nothing but good things happening I would be delusional. I look at 2016 as the year of being torn down. This means 2017 is the year to rebuild. It’s not going to be easy. There are going to be some roadblocks (there always are). It’s going to be a tough road. Another battle…a different battle. I have to set realistic expectations of myself. Just like “oh treatments over now, it’s done and you can go back to your life” isn’t a reality (although how nice would that be). In reality, it’s “now that treatment is over what the hell am I left with here and how can I make this work.” The major problem that I’m finding is my mental state. This is my biggest hurdle. I find that I don’t seem to care about the same things as much as I did before. My priorities have shifted. The question is have they shifted so much that I’m not going to be able to function. I think there is a balance I have to develop.

For 2017 there are going to be a lot of changes. I want to say I’m never going to look back, but sometimes you have to look back to see how far you have come. I think the key is to not dwell on the past. Look fondly at the experience regardless of what that experience was. Remember the lessons you have learned from it, extract anything that could be useful for a current situation or one you are faced with, and then let it go and move on. Never dwell on the negative and get lost in the details of what happened. I don’t want to live there again. I’m hoping that each year will get easier. Right now appointments are every 3 months. As they become every 6 months and hopefully every year I will be able to relax and find my new place in this life and create things I never thought were possible. Whatever….Right now I have to try to figure out how to live with this cloud over my head. Maybe someday that will go away too.

First Day of the Rest of My life

Nov8

Well…yesterday was my last radiation session. I was doing good emotionally…then I stopped in the Chemo lounge like I usually do to say hi to everyone. And I lost it. Luckily the Social Worker was there. So I asked her if we could talk a bit. Sunday I had a complete mental breakdown. I had decided I wasn’t going to finish and just quit. (yes with one session left…I’m such a rebel). She explained to me that it is completely normal. Some people after treatment go back to work after everything (or just continue to work) and like 3 months later it hits them like a ton of bricks. In my case, I don’t have a job to continue or go back to. When I got to Montana the plan was to set up house and then get a job and start over. But this got in the way. So between the pressure of selling the house last year, and then moving and then getting diagnosed, I folded. I was to a point where I didnt’ HAVE to be strong anymore. As I explained to her, throughout this process I would have my little hissy fit and cry for like 5-10 minutes and then shake it off and deal again. There was that little voice in my head that would tell me to knock it off and woman up and get back in there. Sunday, that little voice wasn’t there. It just let me go. So after talking to her it really helped to hear that it’s okay. That I’m normal. That I need to look at this as an opportunity to do whatever I want. I have a totally blank slate to work with. And yes it can be scary…but it can also be exciting. She told me to write down everything I like to do. What I want out of life. Then go and find things to try. Take a class or go to some club meeting. I have absolutely nothing to lose. My little voice is back…he is tired…but he is back. So after treatment we went and had a beer at the place we had a beer the day I was diagnosed. Seemed fitting.

Last night I started a new sleep anti-anxiety medication Trazodone (Desyrel). I’m not sure how I feel about this one. I took it at 8:30 and about 20 minutes later I felt like I was floating. Then I was out like a rock. Woke up at midnight. Went back to sleep for 2 hours and then was up from about 2:30 to 4:00am. Went back to sleep until 5:15am. Stayed up for about an hour and then went back to sleep again, woke up about 9:00am. Now the first 3 hours no dreams, I was out. Then the next 2 hours I had crazy dreams. I mean at one point I had no idea what was real and what was the dream. I was having dreams within dreams. I mean in my dream I woke up and was telling my husband about the crazy dreams I had. It got a little better the last few hours…normal kind of dreams but very vivid. It’s almost like everything that I fear or that has happened that bothers me came out in my dreams. I’ll see how it goes tonight. I was a little groggy when I finally woke up…but if the dreams don’t calm down we are going to have to change this med. I mean I don’t mind vivid…and sometimes they can be entertaining…but some stuff is just down right scary!

Today was my first day on Aromasin (Exemestane). So far so good. Took it at 9:30. Didn’t have my first hot flash until 3:45. That’s doable. I don’t expect I’ll start feeling anything terribly different the first day…if I feel any different at all. I mean a lot of the side effects are the same as the Lupron I’m already on, so they may just intensify a bit and I won’t notice….(let’s hope for that).

I was also supposed to just sit here all day and just watch TV. That was the plan. I was going to be a total bum! Well…I went downstairs and ended up starting on my craft room. Mind you, I haven’t had the energy since we moved in to get to it. So just about everything is still in boxes. I have to figure out a shelving system of where I’m going to put all this stuff! I also organized all the CD’s we have. You know, made sure the right CD was in the right case. And then proceeded to put them in a box since no one really uses CDs anymore. But it was fun to see what we have!

So my plan is to finish setting up my craft room. Then make some stuff. Look to see if there are any classes on anything I might be interested in. Keep an eye on the job boards to see what is out there. I have kinda been doing this since I got here so that won’t really be any different. I’m going to see how I feel the first of the year and maybe register with the staffing agency in town do some temporary work for a bit, maybe part time until I find something I like to do that they will give me money for.

My goal is to move forward and not look back….there really isn’t anything I need back there. I’ve spent the last week mentally preparing myself for LIFE AFTER CANCER. Well, here we are. We have broken me down to rock bottom mentally and physically. And this is how we start to make a Diva…

No going topless for a year!

Nov4

My skin seems to be holding up so Monday will be my very last radiation treatment. It also will be the very end of the treatment trilogy. (Chemo, surgery, radiation). Monday I start on my 10-year stint of meds. whoo hoo. I’m excited. But the radiation nurse gave me this information hand-out of how to take care of the radiation site and what to expect for the next month. In the section for “Skin”, it says that “you should protect the treated area from the sun for at least a year.” I’m glad they told me because I could totally see me walking around without a shirt on everywhere over the next year. Then I just thought about the men with prostate cancer….no junk in the sun….

I also met with the nutritionist. That was good. I’m glad I did that. Of course, the oncology department has their own nutritional team…why wouldn’t they. So we figured out how many calories I should eat in a day. In the 1500 range. She explained the plate method to me. Which is: Divide your plate in half. One-half is non-starchy vegetables. Then divide the other half in half and you have your starchy foods and then protein. And off to the side, you have your fruit. plate

Now I won’t be eating anything out of a can because well…anything canned is bad in my mind so I can’t change that. She said to stay away from any “Diet” or eating plan that tells you to cut out a food group. Unless you have a food allergy or some sort of intolerance to a food or food group….it’s not off limits. Focus your plate on vegetables and then having starches (whole grain) and protein as the sides. Eat whole foods. Eat small meals throughout the day….at least 4. Breakfast, lunch, Dinner, Snack. And you can add a second snack if it keeps you from eating too much. But always have a fruit/vegetable and a protein with each meal. (And never listen to Dr. Oz.) There is no evidence that anything you ingest will change the pH of your body. If you are drinking enough water and eating properly, your body will regulate your pH level. So baking soda, AC Vinegar….all that….unless it just makes you feel better taking it or keeps you from eating more (which is most likely just the water you are drinking fills you up). So YES to potatoes! Yes to whole wheat pasta! Yes to brown rice! And I don’t have to give up chocolate.

So that solves that issue in my life. Add exercise 3-4 times a week and I should be good to go. OH…and do not weigh myself every day. In fact…weigh yourself once a month if you must….but keep track of your progress by doing measurements. I do measurements every week too…but I have to stop worrying about that number. So I’m going to find a dress I want to be able to fit into and put that out and hide the scale!

I feel like I’m starting to get a good base for my new normal. It all goes down on Monday! Did I mention the medication I’m on says it highly recommends that you do not consume alcohol? Well, I don’t think every now and then is going to kill me. But my days of hitting the bottle of wine days are over. Which really isn’t a huge deal, I suppose. I haven’t had much to drink the last 10 months anyway….haven’t been able to. But I had a shot of amaretto in some black coffee the other day that was just fabulous. Normally, I have it in a cup of cappuccino. They didn’t have cappuccino, so I made do. OMG. It was just enough sweet. THAT will end up being my treat when I drink!

Preparing for The New Normal

Nov3

I’ve spent a lot of today doing research on this new medication I’m going to be starting on Monday. Talking to the Doctors, the Pharmacists, reading medical papers. I started reading people’s experiences, but I don’t know how crazy or truthful these testimonies are…I mean, perception is different for everyone. Everyone’s situation is different, and everyone reacts differently to things, so it really isn’t helping me. Whatever side effects I get, I will just have to deal with them. I had a total mental breakdown today after talking to the pharmacist….she’s a cancer survivor and she doesn’t candy coat things. Which is good.

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I’m meeting with the nutritionist tomorrow after my radiation treatment. Going to figure out the eating portion of my new normal. See what I’m going to avoid and eat more of. That should be interesting. Then I have to set up an appointment with the trainer at the gym to see what the best plan of attack is on that end. It’s going to be quite the challenge because I’m fighting against a lot of things. I have to strengthen my bones since I have osteopenia. I have joint and muscle pain from the Lupron already, and it may get worse when I start the Aromasin. There are also the energy levels, and trying to keep my metabolism up. So I am really going to have to force myself. I have been doing that already through radiation fatigue. I like to think I’m a little ahead of the game on that front.

One of the things I’m trying desperately to do is focus on myself. I’ve deleted my Facebook account at this point to make sure I don’t go on to peek. I know there is nothing going on there that could possibly contribute to my happiness or well-being. Although there are a few people who I really do enjoy their posts…I’ve got some characters as friends. But I’m trying to stay off my phone and all social media. This is the only social media I’m allowed on right now. I figure once I get myself set and I feel mentally and physically strong, and get into a good solid routine, I will go back on.

preparing4

So my big challenges to keep healthy and going are going to be diet, exercise, and sleep. Gee, that’s totally different than what I’ve been trying to work on for the last 20 years of my life. Stakes are a little higher, and it’s kind of not an option now. Before, I had the option of eating healthy and exercising, and not getting all stressed. Now…not so much.

But I have wanted to change my life and get healthy…obviously, it took this whole ordeal to get me to actually do it. So much drama!!! (In retrospect, I should have asked for something a little less invasive)

Because I’m Fabulous!

Nov2

I met with my Medical Oncologist today. I’m going to start on Aromasin (Exemestane) on Monday. I take the Lupron shots every 6 months. This shot shuts my ovaries down so I don’t produce any estrogen. The adrenal glands still produce hormones so the Aromasin will stop this production of estrogen. This should ensure that this cancer that is estrogen driven can’t redevelop or do anything. I will be on these two medications for the next 10 years. So the Lupron forces me into menopause. Because there is no test to see when exactly my body will go into menopause for real, they are doing 10 years….by that time my body should have hit the natural menopause state. Interesting stuff right? Now the Aromasin is a bit on the harsh side. Most people get put on Tamoxifen which has fewer side effects but isn’t as effective for my type of cancer. But if I can’t tolerate the Aromasin I’ll get switched over to the Tamoxifen. If I can tolerate the Aromasin I may end up getting my ovaries removed so I don’t have to do the Lupron shot anymore. That would be one less medication to take. We’ll see how it goes. (just like Christmas…going to be quite the surprise!)

We are also stopping my Ativan (Lorazepam) for insomnia since it has seemed to stop working. We are going to change it up and going to Desyrel (Trazodone) we’ll see how that works out for me. It’s supposed to not only help me sleep at night but help with any mood swings due to all the lack of hormones in my body. We’ll see how that works out. YAY Drugs!

At this appointment, my oncologist tells me now that I’m pretty much done with treatment that not everyone who goes through the rigorous aggressive course of treat fab ment I took makes it. I honestly didn’t know how to take that? I mean that’s kinda scary. I have to think she meant that they had to break the treatment up some or change chemo drugs. Go me. Wow. Oh. I honestly have no idea how to react to that. Just glad I didn’t know the odds before hand.
She checked out the lumps that have been bugging me the last few weeks. I developed some bb sized lumps in my chest so when I found them a few weeks back my heart just sunk. She said they were probably nothing but we would keep an eye on them. The odds of any cancer developing at this point is about impossible. But again, we would check them to see if they have changed in 6 weeks when I go back.

After this appointment, I went to Support Group. Lately, I can only stay for the first 1/2 hour since I have to go to radiation. Well, there is a new member. She had been diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer 12 years ago. She had a lumpectomy and was good. A few months ago it came back as metastatic breast cancer – Stage IV. My heart just hurts for her. She was so strong to come to support group and to announce that you have Stage IV cancer has to be just one of the hardest things in the world to do. I just wanted to hug her. While not curable, it is treatable. She’ll go on an oral chemo to keep it under control…..And I was just sitting there freaking out that this new medication said that I could lose my hair. So I’m no longer freaking out about the possibility of losing my hair again or have it thin. This is why they make wigs. So be it if it happens. Again something brought me down to the reality of the whole situation and to just be thankful to be alive. I also thought: I’m sure glad I made the decision to have a double mastectomy vs. just the single. I mean they said that the odds of it coming back in another breast were slim to none. I was like yeah, it was a slim to none chance I got it in the first place so….I’d rather go through this once then have to go through it twice. But hey..there is no guarantee something else won’t develop down the line. So I think I’ll just enjoy the time I have here and deal with whatever comes when it does.

Then I went to radiation. #30 #2 of the booster. 3 more left. I’ve resorted to gang signs in the count-down. But the chest is looking pretty bad ass at this point. It’s getting quite impressive. Met with the Radiology Oncologist. I told her about the bb sized lumps and she checked them out and said it was just scar tissue and effects to the tissue from radiation. Nothing to worry about. But again she said that we would keep an eye on it over time when we did CT scans. Because you know I get to do those every 6 months now. So if anything develops from here on out we will catch it pretty quick. But she wants to see me again on Friday to check the status of my skin to see if we will do the last radiation treatment on Monday or just end it on Friday. They are pretty impressed that I haven’t had to take a break with radiation. Most people have to take a few weeks off about half way through. It’s because I’m just that fucking amazing….really.

Now I’m not usually the type of person that boasts about myself…I’m actually very modest….even though I joke a lot about the whole Fabulous thing. But you know I think for this I’m going to make an exception. Don’t worry…I won’t let it get to my head and I’ll only do it for a few days. :)

Oh. The downside of all this anti-hormone nonsense….my drinking days are pretty much over. I suppose it’s okay. I had a good run. And any more when I have wine or beer I feel like crap after just 1…so be it.

The Hair – The Journey.

Nov1

First day of Chemo 2/23/16

Just got port in few days prior to this 3/5/16.

Hair starting to thin 3/7/16. Best to keep it braided…it was a HOT MESS! Literally one day it just started coming out in lumps

Hair really thinning 3/15/16. This was obviously NOT a good day. Chemo was starting to get pretty rough at this point. And let me point out my head hurt from my hair coming out.

Got it shaved 3/30/16. Fuck that noise! Taking control of the situation.

Then it just fell out all over the place.. At least it was little hairs…..Just about gone 4/30/16. During this time there are no face shots of me bald because we had also just bought a house, moved and something had to give…so this is as good as that got.

5/30/16 next to the last day of Chemo – Losing eyebrows and eyelashes. The last few months were pretty rough. I should have taken a picture of my hands. They were brown and peeling…it was crazy.

6/30/16 a few days after surgery. I felt like one of those hairless cats….Looked like one too!!!! A month after chemo stopped and not a strand of hair on my body. These were probably some of the darkest days. 1 month post chemo

7/30/16 starting to come back. These were my weekly visits to the surgeon days. 2 months post chemo

8/30/16 Actual Hair coming in…feeling pretty bad ass about it. 3 months post chemo

9/30/16 Finally stopped wearing the scarf on my head. 4 months post chemo

10/27/16 Almost done with Radiation. Hair at strange awkward stage. 5 months post chemo

11/7/16 Last day of Radiation. Last day of Treatment

11/30/2016 6 months post Chemo. (Wednesdays we wear pink)

12/29/16. 7 months since last day of chemo. I’m at headband stage because I can now put things in my hair and they stay!

1/31/17 – 8 months since Chemo. Finally got it colored today! No cut though….

2/28/17. 9 months since Chemo. Hair looks darker than it really is here. Bad lighting!

3/30/17 10 months since Chemo. And 1 year since I got my head shaved! Still haven’t gotten it trimmed or anything…just colored. I am wearing a headband so it’s pulled back. But kinda feeling like a hippie.

4/30/17 11 months since chemo. I can almost braid parts of it. It’s out of control and crazy. I have not gotten anything trimmed or cut yet. Still not sure I’ll ever cut it again. The thickness is a little less than it was before but not real noticeable. It’s getting better. Still really curly. I actually blow it out to straighten it. I’ll have to get a “natural” picture. But nice to not have to really use a curling iron yet.

Bring it.

Nov1

After 28 full radiation sessions which consisted of the lymph nodes and the entire left chest area, the last 5 are right to the scar and that’s it. So there is a new cut out and new positions for this. The cut out is the shape of my scar and they put it down real close with a barrier between the machine and my skin. Then ZAP! So 29 down, 4 to go.

I’m kinda glad we are done with under my armpit for the lymph nodes because it’s really kinda gnarly looking at this point. And yes it hurts like a motherfucker. So I just have to keep my scar area from getting all blistery and shit, and I’m home free.

Tomorrow I see both my Medical and Radiology oncologists. So the Medical oncologist is first…we are going to put me on some more medications to help stop hormones. Really? Because I’m such a joy and a half already. It will be interesting to see what side effects I get from that one. It’s like Christmas….you just never know what gift lies ahead with all these treatments. And then with Radiology she is going to look at my skin to see if we end Friday or Monday. And to let me know when my follow-up appointment with her is. Because you know they don’t just drop you…oh no…you are in it for life. At least I will only have to go in every 6 months to see everyone.

I didn’t go to the gym yesterday and I didn’t go today. There’s a 90% chance I won’t go tomorrow either. I’m sticking to stretching and keeping it low until my skin heals under my arm and chest. I tried to work out without moving my arm, but you see then there is this sweat thing that happens and boy does that not feel good. So laying low for a week isn’t going to kill me. Nothing is really working out as I planned…but I should be used to it by now. Oh and since I didn’t get to partake in Halloween candy yesterday I got a bite-sized peanut butter cup from the Chemo Lab (Because it’s the day after a holiday and they always have candy in there!) Then I stopped at the Drugstore to get some aloe. (LOL….yeah..lame drug store…) and ended up getting 5 tiny tootsie rolls, 5 Hershey’s kisses and a tootsie pop (cherry). I think that’s way better than my plan to stop by Dairy Queen for a Blizzard (and get sick from it)

I’ve also come to the point where my positivity has evolved. I used to be all “I got this!” “Gooooooo me!” “WARRIOR!” “FIGHT CANCER AND EVERYTHING ELSE!!!!” “AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH” Yeah, whatever. Now I’m like “eh…whatever happens happens and I’m just going to stay on my own mat.” It seems of all the treatments radiation is the one to wear me down and be all like…fuck it….doesn’t matter. Now don’t get me wrong…don’t take my lack of enthusiasm for giving up or not being strong. I now just wait to see what is thrown at me and with a deep sigh under my breath “bring it.”

The Home Stretch

Oct30

stretch

Tomorrow is the last full dose of radiation treatment. It’s the last one to my lymph nodes. The remaining 5 are boosts to the tumor site. I’ve been very emotional the last week over all this. I mean I’m ecstatic that I’m down to the end. I’m excited about rebuilding myself both physically and mentally. But at the same time, I’m scared to death of what comes next. The possibility of it all coming back. The being alone again. All the cheerleaders have stopped. All the support ceases. You have beat cancer and now you must pick up all your pieces and start over and figure out what to do with them all.

People have been very interesting through this journey. From the people who dissapear because they don’t know what to say, to the people who you are just like…shut up while you can still save yourself. I get it, unless you have been through it it’s a crap shoot. Unless you really know the person you really don’t know what to say. I have one relative who from day one has been there. He was at a lost at first and we talked about it. But he knows me so he knew what he could and shouldn’t say. He knew for the most part to just talk to me like a person and update me on what is going on. Talk about the same things we have always talked about. He’s one of the only people who realized I was still me. And he would ask me questions about the cancer. He wanted to understand and know everything. Now I had a few close friends who have been the same way, and I appreciate these people more than they will ever know.

Now I have had conversations with people who just don’t get it. They don’t know the facts, they don’t want to know the facts, they have no concept of this journey, and they don’t want to know about it. They assume they know. Knowing someone who has had cancer or having a relative or friend who is in the industry in some way shape or form does not make you the expert on it. I mean my husband is a pathology supervisor. He diagnosis all the lumps and bumps for a living. I don’t claim to know what he knows. And he never having cancer doesn’t claim to know what I know. On the good side we have helped eachother understand from eachother’s point of view. So that has been good. But I digress. If you have never actually been thorugh it, choose your advice and thoughts and knowledge of the subject with caution. But like they say…opinions are like assholes…everyone has one.

My issue is that when someone says something that is untrue (or talking out of their ass) it stays with me. It eats at me. I dwell on it. My mind won’t rest for days because of it. So what I need to do is stop listening to people who have their opinion. I mean it’s great that they have one, but doesn’t mean it’s correct. I need to just nod and take it with a grain of salt and then just let it go. Thats the part I have a hard time with. Letting things go from my mind. THIS will be the hardest part of the Project me phase. How to not let people get in your head. This has always been an issue with me so I suppose it’s another reason I’m down this path….I’m my own worst enemy.

So outside of that the radiation site is probably a 2nd degree burn at this point. They had mentioned taking a break at one point, but since I was so close to being done we are just going to go ahead and move forward. I have some creams to put on to help. But besides the skin burning I have a pain inside which I’m sure is more things waking up and going “oh shit.” We have put physical thereapy on hold until my skin heals up. I go back on the 17th of November. Just one last check up and go over exercises that I’m going to continue on without them and then they will discharge me there.

epic Fatigue has been up and down. For the most part I’m able to get in 3-4 days at the gym. So I do my cardio for 35 minutes then some core strenthening and then stretching. Once I’m done with radiation and my energy comes up a bit I’m going to start yoga a few times a week. Once I get the core stronger and my full range of motion back then I’ll add weights. All this working out though radiation is just to keep my energy up so I can make it through. I’m not trying to get buff or anything at this point. This whole process is just going to be baby steps. Slow and steady. And just stay on my own mat.

I’ll say it again I’m sure but, a huge shout out to my rock in life and the one who has been there with me and has gotten me through the darkest of days, my husband. And to my cousin who is more like a brother to me who has been there with me, who needed to learn as much as he could, to keep me laughing and take my mind off of things when I needed it most. To my Aunt and Uncle who came to see me. Two of my oldest friends who are my sounding boards that listen to my rants about anything and everything. And all my other friends and family who have supported me to keep my spirits up through all this craziness. (Coloring books, oragami, water bottles, blankets, tote bags,TastyKakes, scarves, hats, cards, inspirational books, fuzzy pajamas, and other goodes) I love you all. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart….I couldn’t have done it all without you.

Making of a Diva

Reclaiming of the Inner Diva